SALLY....PART 259....I AM NOW FULL OF SELF LOATHING !

 

Jonathan phoned me last week to ask if I still loved Mon Cheri Liquer Chocolates as he knew that I had sadly let myself down by buying EIGHT boxes of Thorntons chocolates for my birthday treat which I THOUGHT had hard ones in them but which ALL turned out to be absolutely YUK....like the ones nobody eats from the tin of Christmas Quality Street until two weeks later when they become desperate !

"How can anyone NOT love them ?" I replied !

"Well I haven't got you any but I have found something very close at M&S and I've bought you six boxes !"

"Lovely ! They'll do !"

Let me tell you this...they are GORGEOUS and I can eat all twenty one in a box in two sessions and now, not one week later I've just started my fifth box !

And that's after experimenting this afternoon with a number of  Chocolate Bourbons to see how long I could dunk one in hot coffee before it fell to pieces and I was left holding a soggy tip ! The answer was six seconds !

I am disgusted with myself but not as disgusted as my wife who is even more enraged because I never put on an ounce and my annual blood tests all come back with 'EXCELLENT' marks, despite my having been just one decimal point short of type two diabetes for the last ten years !

And the Thorntons ?

Shirley's had the lot !

SALLY...PART 258...TODAY I ATE A SUCKED CRUMPET !

 

Above is a shot of Toby's father at the same sort of horrible stage his son now is !

Sometimes hunger just gets the better of me and waiting for more than two hours for my daughter in law to get home with a Chinese takeaway was too much for a man who had only had a dish of Rice Krispies half a day before !

Toby, two, had demanded a buttered crumpet when he got home from nursery and I watched in disgust as he drooled whilst sucking the hot butter out of pieces of the thing whilst chewing and then spitting out the solid leftovers !

I would have made myself one but his was the last in the packet and for some reason Shirley seemed to forget that I would be starving and had offered me nothing, assuring me that a meal was on its way !

Then Toby got given a Yum Yum which he also chewed and spat out the plain dough remains after ingesting all the tasty sweet bits !

By then my legs had gone weak and shaky and I couldn't stand the hunger pangs any more so I grabbed the young child's leftovers and stuffed them greedily down my throat before anyone could stop me and I felt much better for it !

Now no-one's talking to me because they were SO disgusted by my behaviour....and frankly...so am I !

SALLY....PART 257....I AM SICK AND TIRED OF LOSING AT SCRABBLE...D'YOU HEAR ME ? SICK OF IT !

 

I dread hearing the words, "Come and get your daily drubbing !" which today came earlier than expected so I hadn't even mentally prepared myself for my ritual humiliation !

And I'M the one who reads and writes whilst all SHE ever does is listen endlessly all night and then to the repeats all day of Steven Nolan and his phone-in wingeing losers !

She tries to soften me up with, "The tide's going to turn, I can feel it and as I only had twelve seconds sleep and fifteen wees last night whilst you snored your way through nine solid hours, my brain is completely done in and I can't think any more !"

Needless to say, the tide DIDN'T turn today and I'm not expecting it ever to again !

So anyway, here's my real face at the top and then the one the public see, below, when I masterfully give the impression that life's just fine ! And note who's cooking my tea because she feels guilty for being superior ! Here she had demanded 3 minutes 45 seconds on my stopwatch and was saying, "Did you here me you deaf idiot, three minutes forty five or your curry will be ruined ?"

Of course I'd heard her but I carry on my deaf act so I don't get asked to do stuff because I'm a LOT cleverer than she thinks I am !

And here is one side of the score sheet showing 18 circled wins for HER and one boxed one for me !

I'm surprised she hasn't steamed off that franked stamp for me to use on a parcel !

SALLY...PART 256...JUST TRY OPENING YOUR DRIVER'S DOOR WITH YOUR LEFT HAND !

 

The new Highway Code laws came into force today and here's the first cyclist I knocked off his bike as he road down the centre of the road at 3mph on his way to the shops...thankfully without a child sat behind him !

These include advice to cyclists to ride in the middle of the lane they would have ridden to the left of !

This will lead to millions of them being screamed at, hooted at and mown down !

Drivers now have to open their doors with their left hands in order that they will be facing backwards and be more able to see approaching cyclists !

I'M NOT MAKING THIS UP !

Try it !

I can't do it because I have a STEERING WHEEL in the way and when I did try it I had to squash the right hand side of my face up against my window before the door flew open and I fell out of the car into the path of an oncoming cyclist !

As I said, try it !

Then there's having to give way to pedestrians crossing the road when you're turning left !

Drivers now have to stop to let them cross which will result in vehiocles piling into the back of them !

Mark my words, this arrant nonsense is going to lead to mayhem, drivers going barmy being forced by law to sit at 3mph behind self-righteous cyclists hogging the centre of the car lanes, fines and judges forced to waste their time imprisoning perfectly decent drivers who will have infringed yet more nonsenical laws !

See you in prison soon chaps !

SALLY....PART 255....AND THEN I WENT AND TOOK MYSELF SOMEWHERE !

 

I haven't driven on a motorway for close to twenty years but today I had to get to the south of Leeds on a business trip and left just after 7am taking sandwiches, a flask, a blanket in case I broke down or got caught in a snowdrift and my wife's mobile phone so I could get talked there by Google Maps Sat Nav...except I couldn't get the voice to speak to me because I am just so technically useless !

Anyway I'm a man and don't need sat nav or maps !

I didn't take MY phone because it only had 5% charge in it after being charged all night !

Yes it WAS plugged in...it just didn't charge !

It's almost impossible to believe how crowded the roads are these days and the first twenty miles was a crawl through roadworks, in the dark with dangerously narrow lanes, at fifty or would have been if anyone had bothered going over forty...something I simply don't understand !

Despite it being dry the road surface was wet, if not muddy the whole way and my freshly filled washer bottle finally ran out after a hundred miles as I drove through the filthiest conditions I have ever driven through, made worse by a blinding sun after it rose at 8:45, as lorry after lorry covered me in brown road spray !

And what a nightmare trying to read road signs in order to cross over to the M62/M621 but I miraculously managed it , only taking the wrong exit off a local roundabout at the last moment because of the conditions !

Then the journey back with the sun behind and the road surface now dry was a doddle or would have been if drivers hadn't resolutely clung to the middle lane doing sixty instead of moving over into the slow lane, ignoring my constant flashing headlights and non-stop hooting as I passed, pointing to the slow lane before swerving in front of them to demonstrate where they should be...all to no avail !

Each one looked at me with complete bewilderment in their eyes and stayed right where they were ! 

Note, I haven't mentioned gender as there were a few old men too ! 

And if diesel at £1:49 a litre wasn't expensive enough, on the motorway it was £1:68....daylight robbery !

Finally, I actually washed the car by hand once I'd got back which means it's had three washes in eight years !

SALLY....PART 254....I CAN'T TAKE ME ANYWHERE !

Lloyds Bank gives us a dozen free cinema tickets every year, possibly to make up for the appallingly, embarrassingly low interest rate they pay us for letting them lend our money out to others at appallingly, embarrassingly high interest rates !

Last night Shirley suddenly said something about it being a shame that we hadn't used them as they were about to go out of date so looking up to see what might tempt us we discovered West Side Story would be starting in forty minutes but as she couldn't bear the thought of sitting in a crowded auditorium with a face mask on she persuaded me to form a vanguard and sus it out on my own !

There were ten others in the vast hall and I sat in a posh seat stuffing the bag of sweets that I'd been sent with to stop me spending twenty quid on a dried up hot dog and a monstrously large bucket of tasteless popcorn washed down with two litres of Coke like everyone else has when they go to the pictures !

I somehow got through the interminable adverts and trailers without falling too deeply asleep and reached for my first sweet as the main attraction started.

My hand kept bumping against a large bag of tightly bound something in the sweet bag that irritated me beyond words and after demolishing a hundred mint imperials and twenty humbugs I yanked it out to see what was in it, hopefully some toast or a cold sausage I was thinking as I struggled to open a plastic bag rolled solid with a nasty sharp rubber band preventing it spilling its contents !

I was probably swearing quite audibly as the band snapped off and whacked into my face and snorting in fury as I unrolled whatever it was, only to find that there was absolutely nothing in the bag at all....NOTHING !

"Oh how funny Shirley !" I muttered, "Very amusing !"

I still had two and a quarter hours to go, I was STARVING and my stomach was growling, disturbing the nearest couple who were sitting about thirty feet from me !

Boy it certainly warmed up as I sat in my Tshirt, shirt, three jumpers and my winter coat, so warm in fact that I was sweating by the end and couldn't wait to get out !

The full horror of what had actually happened revealed itself this morning when I put my coat on and discovered that the entire front of it was CAKED in chocolate that had melted off  the chocolate peanuts that I had poured out of the already opened bag and straight onto myself without realising it because I had held the bag upside down !

No wonder the usherettes looked astonished, shocked and horrified when I raised my trilby to them on my way out and bid them a good evening !

SALLY....PART 253....MY MOBILE PHONE NEARLY GOT ME KILLED WHILST DRIVING !

 

Everyone knows that I HATE mobile phones and refuse to buy one or carry one but somehow a child donated one and I'm forced to carry it in case I die so that whoever finds me can ring my wife who doesn't drive and won't be able to come and sort things out !

But it's got worse recently as she now tracks me and I really hate that because obviously at 72 I'm likely to be out on the razzle and would be bound to lie about it when I got home having been careful to remove all traces of blonde hairs from my clothing and any lingering perfume too !

I'm not stupid !

On my drive home this evening along the Western bypass having left home twelve hours before to go to market where I and my stock once again got soaked and then after three hours babysitting and conscietiously sitting behind a van doing 48 instead of the 50 the never ending road works permit I had my radio playing something soothing when it occured to me, and I chuckled to myself silently at the thought, to take a different route home to see if I got spotted and closely questioned and had I pulled out without checking my overtaking mirror to overtake the slow idiot in front of me before pulling off to take the Sandy Lane road I would have been wiped off the face of the earth by a police Volvo XC90 which appeared from absolutely nowhere doing at least a hundred and twenty and going too fast for me to hear its siren or focus on its very tiny blue flashing lights !

I didn't pull out with or without looking and didn't die but five minutes later the same vehicle or its twin but this time without lights or siren roared past me again doing the same speed !

So you see if I had been wiped out and the police had found my mobile phone they and everyone else would have undoubtedly thought I been on it, probably phoning ahead to make sure my tea was on and been terribly critical of me and both sympathetic and supportive of my wife whose actual fault my death would have been !

I don't think I can win, do you ?

SALLY....PART 252....I JUST DON'T GET WH SMITHS BUSINESS MODEL !

I walked into WH Smiths in The Metro Centre with my eight year old grandson Hugo this evening,  a boy who could spend hours and hours in every shop examining the merchandise !

There was only one employee in the vastness and THOUSANDS of overpriced items begging to be stolen !

There wasn't even an assistant on a till as it's yet another of those self-service places which always trip me up or need an adult to come and check my age when I scan a 'dangerous' item like correction fluid which apparently schoolchildren used to buy to sniff themselves high on !

Hugo picked up every one of the several hundred pens in open containers and tried them on a pad, remarking to me how much each one was his favourite but at £3:99 per pen I wasn't buying !

What he got was the cheapest item in the shop, a pencil with all the times tables printed on it, perfect for cheating eight year olds to hide up their sleeves during a test, which I was SO tempted to nick but restrained myself as I didn't want to risk getting nicked as I had purposefully left my mobile phone at home because I WILL NOT BE TRACKED so couldn't have phoned to get someone to pick up the child !

Anyway £1:50 didn't seem TOO much and we made our way to the checkout where I failed to press, 'NO BAGS' and also failed to inform the machine that I would be paying with cash for my purchase and so stood there looking like the old twerp I refuse not to look like ! Even my £1:50 which I had payed into the cash slot was returned to me because of that omission !

Thank Goodness I had Hugo with me !

There were no other customers in the shop, not even that row of seedy looking people who stand reading the magazines for free and I'm left wondering how a business can survive without customers when the rent and overheads must be sky high and the prices are ridiculous ?

I bet WH Smith don't survive another five years !

SALLY....PART 251....SURELY THIS TITANIC MUST ALSO SINK ?

 I once wasted forty quid by buying PLAY IT TODAY, a piano course which came in forty issues at £1 each fortnight !

It was or I was rubbish and I quickly gave up trying to learn to play ! Twenty years later I gave it to my daughter who did a bit better than me before she gave up too !

I am occasionally reminded of my folly by my wife who still thinks forty quid a fortune but how, I wonder, would she react if I insisted on building a replica of The Titanic which at £9:99 a fortnight for 140 issues of kit and magazine will add up to ONE THOUSAND FOUR HUNDRED POUNDS !

Yes, someone out there in publishing land has decided that punters will shell out £1,400 to build a model of The Titanic over a period of SIX YEARS !

Or have I got my maths wrong ? No I haven't !

The advert for it keeps appearing so I presume someone must think that it'll sell like hot cakes whereas I feel it will sink like a stone !

Actually I have got a bit of the maths wrong because some months you get FOUR issues and with issue 130 you get a FREE display case !

If anyone does finish their model then if you send me a photograph of you standing beside it...and it will be about four feet long... I will get Hugo to sign a limited edition print of his Titanic drawing for you to frame and hang proudly above it !

SALLY....PART 250.... CHRISTMAS DAY WAS GOING REASONABLY WELL UNTIL I GOT HOME !

 

I have three children and my youngest lost the toss with his siblings to see who had to have us over for Christmas Dinner this year !

I had barely got through the front door when Janny said, "Can you put Toby in the car and take him for a drive to get him to sleep and then sit with him for an hour until he wakes up ?"

 He's two and terrible !

As it turned out he screamed blue murder and wouldn't let me dress him or take him out of the house so at least I got my lunch first before I swooped him up under protest and buckled him in, wrapped in a thick blanket.....he was asleep before we had turned the first corner !

So I drove for ten minutes, returned to the house and sat freezing and sleeping myself until Janny opened the door and handed me in a mug of tea and her mobile phone for me to read the papers on although she hadn't changed the script from Thai back into English which made things difficult !

Anyway, the day was got through and when I got home just now I really fancied a couple of pieces of a gift I'd got, some Marks and Spencers chocolate covered honeycomb which was too hard to bite and too big to eat in one go so taking an ordinary knife and a cereal bowl I cracked the first bit with too much force and it EXPLODED, turned to dust and covered every surface in the kitchen but knowing that I had only thirty seconds to clear up the mess before Shirley came in having changed from her hot house wear into our somewhat cooler house wear I did a remarkable job silently, screaming, "Fuck, Fuck FUCK !" under my breath !

I stuffed the remaining whole piece into my mouth and sat there looking nonchalantly innocent or tried to but I couldn't shut my mouth and slurp started to drool out of me and into the dish, puddling revoltingly until I'd melted it enough to chomp down on !

Enter the eagle eyed one !

"WHAT IS THIS !" she demanded, spotting the last hundred or so fragments that had avoided my panic !

"Oh it could be a bit of this honeycomb that broke up a bit when I hit it gently !" I replied, lisping gurglingly through a pool of  sticky saliva that lay under my tongue and coated my teeth and roof !

"And is that what I've just trodden in too ?" she growled, staring at her chocolate encrusted foot !

"Oh did a bit fall on the floor too ? Sorry !" I said through a mouthful of mixture that I wouldn't be able to swallow for several more minutes !

"And WHAT is in the bottom of this dish ?" she demanded as she swept it away to wash it up without recognising a small pond of uncontrollable slurp lying there !

"It's the honeycomb melted a bit." I lied unconvincingly !

Well Shirley, if you've read this you will now know what it was !

 

SALLY....PART 249....I'M NOT HAVING IT I TELL YOU...I'M NOT HAVING IT !

 "Can you take this with you ?" It wasn't really a question, more of a getting told what to do thing, as I was handed 'my' mobile phone as I was setting out by bike looking like a stupid Christmas tree with the bobble on my 'woollen' hat bobbling ridiculously happily as if the man beneath it was happy which he wasn't and never is and now never will be again !

I don't actually own a mobile phone that I've signed up for and refuse to as I loathe the intrusion into a life that no-one is slightly interested in !

But our offspring have handed them on when the technology that supported them originally became so outdated that they were of no further use to them....so mine's the pink one and Shirley's is the red one and I am now forced to carry mine when I take the two and seven year olds to the Metro Centre in case I die and the stranger who finds me can look up the emergency numbers and phone a family member of mine who will only be concerned about the children and not me, once they've worked their way through my wallet which is tied to my belt so I don't leave it in a shop !

Anyway so I cycled to the chemist to collect Shirley's statins....YES ! She's finally having to take a drug !....and on the way back, as I was cycling across the field the town's fog horn went off which was odd, I thought on top of what I was already thinking about my next Facebook posting, as the day was clear....and it annoyed me and all the women out walking their dogs as the sound became more shrill and insistent and they were all staring at ME, tutting and shaking their heads at each other !

Eventually it dawned though my skull that the sound was coming from inside my poacher's pocket and was from the phone which was sitting under my facemask and Shirley's bag of drugs and that meant stopping the bike in the middle of the enemy who stared at me even more ferociously whilst I grabbed the bag, dropped my facemask in the mud and brought out the by now screaming phone into which I punched the easily forgotten code but which WOULDN'T stop making its racket !

By now the dogs were all howling in unison with the STUPID bell tones wailing out of the speaker and so I stuffed the idiot machine back into my pocket and doing my privates an injury as I bent down too quickly to pick up my three month old soiled mask which probably has more germs embedded in it than an old first world war gangrene dressing, launched myself homeward !

I arrived back flustered to be met at the door by a triumphant wife exclaiming, "I could see you the whole way there and back again !"

Well I'm not having it I tell you...I'm NOT being traced and followed...I'm just NOT !

My daughter traces her husband and I think it's the final straw !

"Oh look !", she'll say to her mother, "He's in Screwfix !"

"Ooh !" her mother replies, "I could do with seeing what your father gets up to ! Set mine up for me will you ?"

So here I am, the final barrier gone. No chance of lying ever again !

Not that I've got anything to hide....but if I did....................................................

SALLY....PART 248....SO I LATHERED HER FACE WITH SHAVING FOAM AND SHARPENED THE CUT THROAT RAZOR ON THE STROP !

 

When I was about twenty one and had moved to Brighton I suddenly got an urge to become a medic and was offered an initial place as a nursing auxiliary to see if I was basically suited to things.

Let me first explain what an auxilliary nurse is...they are nothing...they have no qualifications or medical knowledge and are essentially skivvies.

It wasn't long before I was doggy paddling cluelessly in a world I had no idea existed but having sat nuns on bedpans, cleaned up doubly incontinent patients and packed out gaping bedsores I felt ready to face just about anything after two hours on the job and was very relaxed about ending my shift in A&E.

I was summoned to a cubicle to attend two surgeons who were assessing a young woman with appendicitis and whilst they were playing their part lower down her body I stood at the top end reassuring her that everything was going to be fine, like I'd seen nurses do on Emergency Ward 10 !

I was probably thinking about getting to the beach to sleep and sunbathe after work when my daydream was interrupted by one of the surgeons saying, "Right nurse, we're going to operate straight away so will you shave this charming young lady and change her into a gown ?" Surgeons always call people 'charming'...I think it must be a part of their training.

I looked closely at her face and and holding both my hands open towards it in a sort of doubting way and screwing up my face into a ''Are you sure ?' questioning way motioned at her perfectly smooth skin and with disbelief in my voice said, "Shave her doctor ?"

"Yes please, that's what I said !" he replied a little tersely I thought but my role was not really to question a doctor even when I was at a loss, so I lathered her face with shaving foam and sharpened the cut throat razor on the strop and was just about to grip the end of her nose and start the job when an extremely angry man shouted, "STOP ! What do you think you're doing nurse ?"

"You said shave her Sir, did I misshear you ?"

"How long have you been a nurse, nurse ?", he barked, staring at his colleague in disbelief who stood stock still with his jaw dropped nearly to the floor !

"This is my first night Sir but I'm pretty sure I won't mangle a simple shave !"

"Stop what you're doing and get out you complete idiot ! Go to Matron NOW and tell her I said you're sacked and you're NEVER darken these doors again !"

I didn't actually go to the Matron but simply walked back to my locker, took my slightly stained white jacket off and flung it in there before returning in some confusion to my bedsit which was overrun with mice and picking up the local paper started to look through the jobs section to see if there was anything else that might suit me better.

"AHA !" I said out loud after my eyes alighted on, "Leather worker wanted...no experience necessary !", I think I'll give that a go next....and here I am, fifty years later, still with no real experience, a leather worker and Leader of a virtually unknown Facebook photographic group called 'THE LEAST SUCCESSFUL PHOTOGRAPHIC GROUP EVER !'

SALLY....PART 247....SORRY BUT I'M EXPECTING MY CHINESE DELIVERY !

 "Do our tyres really come from China now ?", I thought as I drove away from a back street tyre place after being refused a puncture repair whilst I waited !

You see, couple of mornings ago, Friday it was, we had to get somewhere within a time limit and looking out I noticed the car was sitting on the drive with a completely flat front tyre so I jacked the car up and put on the spare before heading to town to get things repaired.

No woman could have undone the nuts or released the spare from its cradle no matter how tough they might be; only brute strength would suffice and yes I was sure it was completely airless and couldn't be driven down to town on as it was hinted I might be able to do !

And yes I DID know that it hadn't been flat when I drove yesterday as I would have noticed the sudden collapse of the front left of the vehicle, the steering wheel being yanked out of my hand and the sound and smell of a tyre getting shredded; a question I answered remarkably calmly I thought !

"Shouldn't you phone ahead first, just in case they can't do it and if they can't, what happens if we set out and get another puncture ?" Perfectly reasonable questions but I'm a man and drove off after saying, "Leave it to me !"

So at the first of the four tyre places in town the man working on his own for one of the major brands said, "Not 'til next week as I'm on my own !" so I set off for the next which was an independent with one man standing ticking off a list of all the tyres he had.

"Can you repair a puncture whilst I wait ?" I asked, certain he'd jump to it.

"No mate, my Chinese order is due in !"

"Oh OK !" I said, jumping back in and quickly reversing my car out of his back lane so I wouldn't block the wagon from China he was expecting !

And as I drove off I was just thinking, "I wonder how long it takes a man to drive a load of tyres from China and how many must he deliver to make it worth his while ?" when I spotted a Chinese man presumably from a Chinese Takeaway on a bike with a food 'Hot Box' on his back cutting across behind me and shooting up the lane I'd just left !

Well I didn't go back and tell the tyre man about my misunderstanding because he would have thought I was a twat and drove on to the third tyre nationally known place instead which had a car park full of waiting vehicles and every ramp with a car on it !

Still nothing ventured, nothing gained and parking in the disabled bay I limped in, grasped the counter and repeated my request in a breathless voice !

The four men gathered around a computer console looked at each other and one of them said, "I can do it for you if you'll sit down over there." and handing me a hot chocolate and a Computer magazine (don't ask me) had the job done in twenty minutes !

And I almost forgot to limp back out to my car !

Here's the three inch nail that had fortunately not gone through a side wall or that would have been a new tyre !

SALLY....PART 246....."DAVID ! IF THAT'S A BABY SNAIL ON THE KITCHEN CUPBOARD THEN WE'VE GOT REAL PROBLEMS !"

 
I like to wake up a bit before I hear about the latest crisis and I WAS on my way to put the kettle on when I was overtaken and presented with a bank bag containing a piece of tissue that had been used to wipe out the frying pan before it was washed up and then used to lift a 'baby snail' from the face of the kitchen cupboard !

"There's a baby snail in that tissue !" I was informed !

The top of the bank bag had been turned over in the way that bank bags mystifyingly can be, sealing in the creature !

"I don't know HOW it got there unless you walked it in on your outdoor shoes when you swept up the garden leaves two days ago !"

Of course I take my outdoor shoes off at the door when I come in so carrying a baby snail in on them seemed a bit improbable but then woodlice can suddenly appear trudging across the middle of the lounge carpet and our floors are concrete so there's another mystery !

I made my coffee and sat down to investigate, gingerly opening the sealed up bag !

"It was 5am and dark when I came down for a cup of tea when I woke for the sixteenth time after NOT sleeping barely a wink for the seven thousandth night in a row so it might not actually be a snail but if it is you're going to have to do something about it !"

I wondered which expert I would have to call in to repel an invasion of baby snails as I opened up the tissue revealing a small dried out coffee granule which was possibly once a splash !

"It's a splash !" I said confidently and slightly relieved !

"But what if it hadn't been, what would you have done about it ?"

That we'll never know !

SALLY....PART 245....UPROAR AT THE DENTIST !

 

"NO ! DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING !" I shouted at an old woman who'd been forced to stand outside for a quarter of an hour after arriving for her appointment far too early, as she pressed the button on the Waiting Room hand gel dispenser which had a boldly printed sign beside it saying, 'Do NOT use this until told to by a member of staff !'

It really does !

She ignored me and used it anyway and none of the reception staff even noticed anything out of the ordinary except for an old man wearing an ancient browning-at-the-edges face mask seemingly suffering from Tourettes !

I eventually got escorted upstairs for my treatment and as one now has to put one's face mask back on after removing it for the dentist to do his work I did as instructed and followed the nurse back downstairs to be let out, or at least started to !

Unfortunately, after seeing the nurse squirt gel one-handed from the dispenser outside the treatment room and thinking that I ought to do the same I pressed up one handedly, as she had done ten seconds before, but instead of a little squirt to cleanse myself the entire body shot upwards and plummeted to the carpet, ejecting its entire contents into a fan shaped disaster zone with the bracket parts that once held it to the wall crashing down beside it !

She angel-like said, "Oh my goodness !" or something similar and I shouted out, "OH FOR GOD'S SAKE HOW DID THAT HAPPEN ?" !

Everyone came running, including my dentist, all expecting to see my body at the bottom of the stairs !

"Oh I'm SO sorry nurse, here let me help you clean it up !" I begged, desperate to make amends !

And she, as calm as calm could be asked me to leave the job to her and ushered me downstairs and saw me out before shutting the door behind me.....quite forcefully I thought at the time !

It was only after I'd made two more calls that I got back in the car and spotted the mountain of gel still sitting on my left shoe and asked God to eradicate what they'd thought they'd seen from the brains of the people in the shops I'd subsequently dealt with and who'd said nothing but HAD backed away from me !

SALLY....PART 244. I GAVE UP LOOKING FOR THE BABY PLUM TOMATOES AND FRIED SOME GRAPES INSTEAD !

YES THOSE ARE GRAPES !

 In the interest of food preservation and storage Shirley hit on a brilliant way to reuse old plastic bread wrappers and frozen fruit bags !

This system works fine for her because HER brain knows what she has put in which and where she has stored the items for extra longevity !

Me ? I haven't got a clue but to help out a bit now that she has a severe cut in a fingertip I took over the washing up whilst we were away this week and even cooked my own breakfast AND chopped up some hefty vegetables to make a perfect soup to boot !

I could just about find the bacon without too much trouble as it was in a virtually transparent extra bread bag although it was slightly hidden under a small tub of Lurpak which she had refilled from a larger one left at home !

Did I mention that the fridge in our static caravan...did I even mention we were staying in our static?...is only high enough for a very small person to see into unless you get down on your knees and frankly even a circus dwarf would also have to get down on her knees to be able to see into it without giving herself backache !

So once the bacon was nicely spitting all over the hob I bent down to get the plum tomatoes that I knew we'd bought and thus started a fruitless search, unwrapping frozen fruit bags containg cheese, humus, onions, cream, radishes and blueberry muffins but no tomatoes !

I stupidly searched the freezer where frozen foods were double wrapped in the cast off bags of totally different foodstuffs and found nothing red and having once repacked the tiny overfilled space in a bad mood and therefore wrong order I stood up with my sciatica killing me and looked in the eight biscuit tins that also really irritate me when I'm looking for a biscuit !

I'd left the gas on too high and the bacon was about to turn into charcoal having spread its fat right across the draining board and turned the remaining oil black when in a temper I opened the bread cupboard and spotted a box of grapes and desperate for something to sweeten the burnt offerings threw a handful into the pan and LO, the tomatoes were sitting by the cooker where I had forgotten I'd put them before I started cooking and so they went in too to be followed by an egg which I managed to fry until it was hard and a piece of bread which I fried to destruction....and jolly nice it all was too !

Anyway when we got home and I unpacked I found this bag of frozen raspberries in the boot and wasn't in the least bit surprised when I looked inside and found two small bottles of water !

NOW WHAT'S IN HERE ?

SALLY...PART 243 ! OK SHE IS BETTER THAN ME !

It's taken fifty years, all but one year, for me to admit that Shirley is superior to me and it took today's game of Scrabble to finally get me to admit it !

I am NOT a stupid man and however badly she's doing she will always come racing past me in her last two or three turns, leaving me inconsolably depressed and her smirking as she answers another twenty or so 'pings' on top of the fifty she's already answered !

Today she didn't wait so long and having cursed me for using all my seven letters not only for the opening go but for the next go too...unheard of really...she then put on her Stormtrooper's boots and got a sevener herself and then JERKS on a triple word !

I know this won't mean a lot to anyone who doesn't play but I am deeply wounded and full of loathing as she wins all but a very few games...but then I do dread it when she IS losing because she can get VERY angry and throw her letter holder at the board and leave me to get my own supper !

LOCKDOWN is ending soon isn't it !

SALLY....PART 242. STOP TALKING RIGHT NOW OR I WILL PUT A KNIFE TO YOUR THROAT !

 

I adore my eleven year old grandson Daniel !

He's a complete genius and seems to genuinely understand quantum and nuclear physics to the point where he can explain it to me as if HE'S 72 and I'M 11 !

His mother has brought her boys up with a full knowledge of the workings of the human body in such an open and honest way which I would never have done and didn't do, waiting for them to ask questions which I then told them to go and ask their mother but as no-one seems to agree with me these days about keeping children as innocent as possible for as long as possible I must be in the wrong....or am I ?

My father was a Doctor and he never had THAT talk with any of his five sons and we all survived happily in complete ignorance of anything above a lady's ankle and so did my sons !

Learning what you needed to know about life behind the bike sheds has served boys well for generations and I don't see why things should change now !

Sadly I never found anyone to take ME behind the bike sheds so my knowledge has remained at ankle height my entire life !

Anyway today I posted this photo of two frogs in an embrace and my daughter showed it to her son without realising it showed frogs having sex !

He said, "Why are you showing me a picture of frogs having sex ?" and she replied, "I don't think they have sex, he just squirts over the eggs !" And HE replied, " Stop talking now or I will put a knife to your throat !"

She's a midwife without an edit button which she might have inherited from me and he's going to grow up weird !

 

SALLY....PART 241. "TROUBLE WITH YOUR OWLS MR. NASH ?"

I must admit that my hearing is not what it was and so when I was asked this morning whether I was having trouble with my owls I had to stop and think about that for a second !

The lady who asked me was speaking from behind her facemask and spoke in a quiet voice heavily laden with Geordie which I might have found hard to understand if she hadn't had a mask on and I could have seen her lips moving !

I looked beeseechingly first at her and then at the ceiling and then at her friend and then back to her before saying, "Owls ? I don't have any and wasn't planning on getting any so why do you ask ?"

Her friend groaned, as did the lady who then spoke louder and clearer to this evidently STUPID old man !

"I said BOWELS MR NASH, BOWELS !"

I then remembered I was lying on an examination bed about to have a CT Colonagraphy treat and tutting in a way I hoped she'd think meant that I was trying to bring humour to my terror replied, "Oh BOWELS ? No but then that's for you to find out isn't it ?"

The next few minutes were not the most pleasant I've ever experienced as enough carbon dioxide to launch several hot air balloons was 'introduced' to an unmentionable part of my body and I went very quiet for quite a while !

SALLY...PART 240....AND SO THE TESTS BEGIN !

 Tomorrow I'm going to have an endoscopy to see what's causing whatever problems I've been having and when I checked the letter this morning I read the word 'Gastrology' and thought that that meant sticking the tube up from the other end so I phoned the ward and said, remarkably sneerily, "Do you know what I'm having tomorrow ?" as if I was talking to an idiot and the receptionist said with genuinely undisgused kindness, the sort reserved for scared ancient idiots, "Yes of course, we are going to have a look down your throat into your stomach." 

"Ah so 'Gastrology' doesn't mean coming up from the other direction ?"

"No it doesn't Jonathan, you're having that next week...a CT Colonoscopy."

Only professionals call me by my real first name as I can't be bothered trying to explain why no-one else calls me by it !

"Right, I was just checking !" I stuttered holding my fist between my teeth to stop myself bursting into tears, "I'll see you tomorrow then!"

And yes I HAD read the enclosed leaflet that described EXACTLY what they would be doing !

Must be nerves then !

SALLY....PART 239. AN HOUR LATER AND I STILL CAN'T FIND THE PITTAS !

 I'm having to cook for myself today because Shirley's reacted a bit to yesterday's jab and taken to her bed...which is no longer our bed because of my snoring so I'm now in the boxroom because were I to sleep in the other main bedroom she says I'd wake the neighbours up !

It's raining too hard to go to the shop to buy some bread so she suggested I had cheese on pitta rather than cheese on toast and that's where today's problems began !

You will barely find an ornament in the house and certainly no collections as Shirley can't stand either BUT she's got a thing about old bread and frozen fruit bags which she saves by the hundred and uses to keep opened packets of other foodstuffs in...including packets of pitta breads !

She said they were in the freezer but I'm now frozen to the bone having had to look inside every reused bag and I still can't find the things !

And now I'm REALLY starving !

GET UP AND COME DOWN....PLEASE ! 

POST SCRIPT....Shirley DID get up and came down to INSTANTLY put her hands on the pittas which were inside another pitta bag....of course !

And I ended up with some lovely scran that she wouldn't touch !

SALLY....PART 238. IS IT TIME TO WRITE THOSE FINAL LETTERS ?

 "It's all too late and you should have done it before !" I thought to myself when I was sitting in A&E with a cannula in my arm expecting my head and heart block up ort explode,"You should have written each important person in your life a farewell letter !"

But d'you know what, it's several days later and I have done nothing about them and can't bring myself to start so you'll all have to wait until I'm REALLY ill !

SALLY...Part 237. I DON'T KNOW WHOSE TOOTHBRUSH SHIRLEY PACKED ME OFF TO HOSPITAL WITH !

 No doctor has quite worked out what is actually wrong with me in the last many years but stuff like raised blood pressure, gallstones, a hiatus hernia and quite serious life threatening heart conditions have all been investigated and chemicals prescribed which allow me to carry on writing this garbage and make thousands of more purses and more importantly survive to annoy !

Three hours after a particularly large serving of Shirley's beef caserole, roast potatoes, carrots and parsnips which I was too full to finish a suspected stomach ulcer which is YET to be proven saw me in distress with very dreadful breathing problems and a blood pressure reading of 217/117 which was so high that it  required immediate A&E treatment !

So Shirley thrust a toothbrush and a virtually empty tube of toothpaste into my already stuffed coat and didn't cry or appear in any way moved as I was driven off !

Gemma must have thought her father a complete idiot when he asked the receptionist if he could use the toilet before sitting down and I think I must have been pretty much out of it because I can only vaguely remember asking !

Masked up in casualty and with a triage nurse confirming my home monitor reading I was sat in a spacious area that I think might have been especially peopled with nutters to keep me entertained for the three and a half hours I was there amongst and one of them !

No-one spoke, except some of those nutters, jabbering to themselves as I read and re-read a TV screen headline, 'Firm confirms it's sold more vehicles but with less profit this year' as it slid continuously across the bottom of a large screen that also recommended 'STAY IN AND WORK OUT' and permanently showed 'WAITING TIME TWO HOURS' !'

Very little happened; almost no activity took place...a body here and a body there were called and disappeared but no-one new came in once I'd arrived at 10pm !

An overweight elderly man in shorts with a cut knee irritated everyone for two hours until he disappeared by working his way very slowly backwards in the wheelchair he'd been sat in by removing one slipper and sock and using the big toe of his uninjured leg to thrust himself one inch at a time out of the building and then back in again ! I refused to catch his eye as I didn't want another friend for life like so many others I've managed to pick up along the way !

Some sat jiggling up and down and others burst out laughing at nothing whilst black clothed 'SECURITY' officers wandered in and out to go to the toilet or collect a paper cup of coffee from a vending machine off limits to the public !

And so I waited for my arm to be emptied of blood for tests and was sent out to wait again with a canula left inserted in case I collapsed, my mobile phone totally beyond my comprehension lying idle in my lap after I had REALLY tried and failed to connect it to the NHS network so I could keep my unworried sleeping wife up to speed !

I mean, I REALLY tried but I never carry a phone and had NO idea of what my password is, what the maiden name of my mother's favourite aunt's mother-in-law was or which of a hundred 'data sliders' to operate but I now see that it cost me TWO QUID to fail to use the pay as you go monster that I'm forced to carry in case I die and need to phone for help !

I now wish I'd thought about what to wear that would have eased me smoothly through my visit and the tests but I didn't so here's what NOT to wear....A thick coat with stuffed pockets on top of what looks like a road mender's 'gilet', on top of TWO woollen jumpers, on top of a long sleeved Rohan shirt, on top of a T shirt !

Each time I was summed for another test I had to remove everything and the staff must have thought I lived on the streets, especially when stuff started falling out of my pockets and onto the floor.....like the toothbrush I didn't recognise !

"OH GOD !" I thought, "please don't let her have sent me with the one that sits at the far end of the shelf that I use to bleach the taps and clean the plug holes !" and which I didn't need because I got sent home !

And I do believe I heard quite a disappointed sounding hissed, "Oh Bugger !" coming from beneath an upstairs bedroom as I walked back in at 2:06am but I didn't mention it !

SALLY....PART 236. I CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW !

 

The photo has NOTHING to do with what follows !

I was just rinsing my eight plates, four forks, three knives, a couple of spoons, a pair of spatulii and a mug after washing them up following my cooked breakfast of three rashers of bacon, four plum tomatoes, an egg, half a slice of delicious fried bread crust and a mug of coffee which all in had taken only slightly less than two hours to cook and eat when Shirley appeared tutting at my shoulder !

"What on earth is all the noise why eight plates and all the cutlery I've only been on the phone for three hours and note that you would have hardly heard MY voice and the racket has been diabolical oh my god the smell is awful how much washing up liquid did you use because you only need a drop and you don't need an entire kettle of boiling water so I'm going to show you how to wash up properly tomorrow" (You don't need punctuation when someone doesn't stop to take a breath !)

I think I'll set my alarm for early though I doubt whether I'll need to as I'm already feeling quite excited and probably won't sleep tonight !

SALLY....PART235. TURN YOUR HEATER BACK ON AND SOD OFF BACK TO YOUR ROOM !

 Once I had a forty foot long shipping container filled it's entire length with leather offcuts that a couple of furniture factories were desperate to get rid of and which I eventually gave away to schools and colleges once I realised that paying rent for storage was getting too expensive.

The container went.

Then over the years the factories shut and I was left with just one supplier and since the first lockdown I've not been allowed in to collect anything and so I have continued working until I'd used up every last scrap until I ended up with a massive pile of work waiting for the zips to arrive from the far east before I can finish it !

I then spent a few weeks painting watercolours which I mount onto gift cards and have been selling for years but after painting 200 I ran out of paint and so really my workshop, built as an extension to my house became obsolete and a week ago I was persuaded to turn off the heating and set up my keyboards in the main house in the alcove addition to the kitchen but I seem to have become an irritant and this morning heard the words in the title !

What had I done ? What had I said ? How can a man sitting quietly watching 80 episodes (and counting) of Spiral and occasionally writing on facebook annoy anyone ?

It's not as if I don't cheerfully do the washing up and sacrifice myself to a daily drubbing at Scrabble is it ?

SALLY....PART 234. HAS IT COME TO THIS ?

NO WORD WAS SPOKEN BUT THE ATMOSPHERE CRACKLED !

 Having meekly accepted my new LOCKDOWN role of washer up I was summoned to the sink's plughole last night where an errant sweetcorn kernel was pointed at wordlessly by a wife with a disappointed look !

SALLY...PART 233. "SHIRLEY ! HURRY, I'M STUCK !"

 

Oh for the days when my limbs did what I wanted them to without pain !

Yesterday I got warned that a plastic golf ball which had mysteriously appeared was about to block the downpipe in the inset gutter on my flat roof extension and as I don't have a ladder to climb UP to the roof I have to climb out of an upstairs bedroom window every few months to clear the thing of the build up of sludge that comes from nowhere !

So, I would open the window and using the child toilet step that Shirley still uses and which has doubled as a vomit catcher for when various children have been drunk or grandchildren poorly I'd nip up onto the windowsill with my right foot, bringing my left foot up to it and passed it and out of the window whilst dropping down to sit on the sill at the same time throwing my right foot and leg out into space !

Sounds complicated but it wasn't and relied on suppleness in the joints !

Yesterday, I couldn't even get my right foot up let alone my left !

"Get a chair and put another one out on the roof !" I was advised but I'm a man and knew better !

Somehow having rejected or failed at sensible solutions I ended up with my left leg over my head lying immovably on the windowsill with the rest of me on the roof some distance below !

I was STUCK and hadn't the strength to pull it out or push it back !

"SHIRLEY !" I bellowed as my ball and socket joint started to dislocate, "Can you come up and help me.....NOW !"

She arrived slowly having not been disturbed cooking my dinner or washing up because lockdown has led to her having contempt for the ordinary conventions of marriage and collapsed laughing at my predicament !

"What do you want me to do ?" she asked.

Many black and other inappropriate thoughts went through my mind before I answered, "Lift my foot and push it towards me !"

Well she has bad shoulders and aching arms these days, not that you'd believe it by the sounds coming out from the kitchen every morning as she chops a mountain of red onions and cheddar cheese into fragments with the speed and strength of a demented woodpecker drilling into a tree after grubs before piling it onto her toast and sticking it under the lowest possible heat of the grill for about an hour until I hear, "OH SHIT !" because she forgot all about it whilst answering her daughter's and her sister's 'Facebook Notifications' and it is all reduced to a very thin blackened biscuit....which she STILL won't give me !

Anyway, she doesn't really like any physical contact with my feet and her first attempts were pathetic !

Nothing moved accept my ball joint slightly, on its way out and so I urged her to put a bit more muscle into it !

"For God's sake PUSH AND LIFT, I'm DYING !" which she finally did, resentfully, and my heel fell out and landed with a thud as a round of applause and cheering reached us from the throng of neighbours who had collected by their back doors when they'd first heard my shouts and who you'd think had never seen two seventy year olds yelling at each other and arguing about a stuck leg after a lifetime of the wife's embittered disappointment with her husband !

I MUST buy a ladder !

 

 

SALLY...PART 232. I CAN'T ACTUALLY REMEMBER EATING !

Did I eat and if so when did I eat what I can't remember eating ?

Did I have breakfast before I went to school and if I did who gave it to me and what was it ?

I know I was collected for lunch but what was I given before being taken back to school ?

I think I probably ate crumbs as I had no flesh on my bones and nor did my brothers until the youngest came along when I was ten and my mother took advantage of the newly opened Wimpy Bar and fattened him up on them and he went on to develop ulcerative colitis !

I remember sugar sandwiches ! Brilliant for a growing child eh ? And in a doctors house too ! Mind you my father had no breakfast, a cup of milky coffee at eleven after surgery and nothing until my mother eventually somehow managed to conjure up a plate of roast potatoes and cabbage at about eight in the evening which he mashed together into a mountain and ate with no meat whatsoever and probably whilst smoking one of the forty plus Players cigarettes he smoked every day and ruined my lungs with !

I have a keen sense of a treat being getting taken to a Southend on Sea cafe where we ate buttered toast washed down with Coca Cola !

So that's my childhood neatly set out in food for you !

There was no fish, no bacon, no Full English or kedgeree or anything containing goodness but I do remember that my father developed a large paunch so was he secretly eating out ?

I don't know but I DO know that when Shirley says that I MUST remember more, I DON'T !

Right so let's carry on next time with more things I have no memory of !

SALLY...PART 231....IT'S TIME TO START TELLING THE TRUTH !

 

Shirley said I should leave the following generations at least a glimpse into what my childhood was really like so here goes !

I was born in Forest Gate in North East London in January 1949, the third of five sons of the local NHS Doctor whose practice was based in the front room of our house, a room we never entered unless it was for injections from a huge glass syringe and monstrous needle that got used for everyone and which lay in a cracked enamal dish covered in disinfectant when it wasn't causing terror !

These, you must bear in mind are my very hazy recollections !

My mother basically lived in 'the cloisters', the family name for a covered walkway between our house and the neighbours which contained hugely long coat racks with every coat that had ever been owned hanging mouldering from them and which were still there in 2001 when we sold the house, a stinking gas geezer, a washing machine with a mangle on top, three huge Dublin sinks with open drains under them and a HORRIBLE toilet at the end with an old fashioned virtually unflushable cistern high up near the ceiling which I dreaded having to visit !

Along the route to the toilet were two ancient wooden multiple washing lines that were always full of dripping clothing and sheets and which were raised and lowered by ropes that passed through rusted squealing pulleys and which were tied to the wall on double ended hooks you never see these days !

The floor seemed to be perpetually full of baskets of laundry and the sinks full of soaking clothing with the taps running permanently to rinse every trace of life from the fibres !

My mother stood losing control of this empire until it was time to take a break and prepare the meals that were inedibly unpleasant and scarred my infant mind !

I think this autobiography is going to take some time to write !

 

SALLY...PART 230. "YUK ! WHAT'S THAT DISGUSTING SMELL ?"

 "YUK ! What's that disgusting smell ?" Shirley demanded forcefully as she lit the grill above her mountainous pile of reeking red onions and finely sliced mature cheddar cheese she'd placed upon a slice of late dated 50/50 Warburtons finest and which she'd forgotten to light ten minutes before because some missing items from 'Click And Collect' had distracted her !

"I have no idea !" I said but then I barely smell anything these days so I genuinely had no idea and anyway didn't care as I was watching a mechanic replace the brake lines on a Rolls Royce whose interior had been COMPLETELY destroyed by racoons !

"It's GROSS !" she continued, and how CAN you carry on watching 'no marks' people doing brainless stuff on cars you'll never own ?" 

I had no answer to that and so stayed silent rather than start an argument about Scandi Noirs !

"It's got to be YOU ! What have you got on ?" She can be a bit intimidating when her bloods up...it rarely isn't !

"Nothing ! Pears soap if anything !" I wheedled.

"Did you use hand gel at Asda ?" she demanded, staring with hatred at my hands !

"Yes !" I stuttered, "I mean no, it was Poundland !"

"Well that explains it then, the cheapskates ! Never use it again OK ?

"OK!" and I tried to continue to watch my programme whilst looking at her because she doesn't like NOT being looked at when she's talking !

"Tea's gone up a penny !" she huffed and tutted as she walked her singed feast through to her morning settee !

SALLY...PART 229. WHY CAN'T I JUST STOP LYING TO SHIRLEY ?

 Perhaps it was my broken camera that woke me at 4am today, knowing that I'd have to find some way to justify buying a new one but as I'd buttered up my wife pretty well over the last few days with any number of pathetic sighs, general sadnesses, listlessness, making my own late night peanut butter sandwiches, eating my Marmite crisps in my room so that the smell didn't revolt her and offering to wash up the airfryer, I was sure I could pull it off !

"Don't even think of going until you've phoned them to make sure that they have the exact camera you think you saw there but I'm telling you this you didn't because why would PC World offer such a huge discount without advertising it on the internet oh no is an 0348 number free and use my phone not yours god why don't these people have a phone number right let me check again give me that number TZ100 well it says £539 in Amateur Photographer so how come you say you saw it for £249 you were obviously looking at a completely different model and anyway if it was the model you were looking at three days ago the offer won't still be on and you will have wasted six miles of diesel so just forget it !"

YES...NOT A BREATH TAKEN THERE !

It is actually impossible to talk to anyone at Currys PC World so I defiantly went and my camera WAS there and it WAS discounted and I DID buy it !

Keeping my face looking defeated once I got home has always been a problem when lying to my wife as my body goes into weird spasms as I fight to keep my face downcast !

"Well you were right ! What a waste of time and I can only apologise for not listening to you in the first place !" I groaned world wearily as she smirked in triumph !

"So what do you have to say now eh ? £249 for a TZ100, you must have imagined it ! Now stop sulking and get the front bush trimmed !"

It was at that point that happiness broke through and I produced my new toy !

"You are an arse !" She said with half an eye on the Scrabble box as she prepared herself for her next overwhelming victory !

SALLY...PART 228 ! "TURN THE LIGHT OFF OR IT'LL SEE US !"

SADLY NO PHOTOS !

ACTUALLY, WHY SPOIL THINGS ? JUST STRIP US MENTALLY WHILST READING THE FOLLOWING STORY !

When I went up to bed last night I quickly became aware of one of those HUGE lazy black flies which flew into Shirley's large round paper lantern which has hung a little dustily from the ceiling rose for the last twenty years so I hatched a cunning plan !

I climbed, wearing my outdoor shoes, onto her pristine bed and carefully eased the wire from behind those nasty sharp wire things that hold it and slid back onto the floor and towards the window to shake it out...but forgot that to open the window I would first have to open the very stiff, very old secondary glazing that I bought second hand very cheaply and fitted myself thirty years ago !

So using ALL my strength on the almost immovable sliding part I moved it aside only to be faced with a LOCKED main window which I'd fitted with one of those almost useless locks that any burglar could get through in ten seconds and into which you insert a key to unwind it but I did it, opened the window and held the lampshade outside and felt the wind from not only the fly's wings as it flew back into the house but also the wind from a Daddy Long Legs and a moth which seized the opportunity to get in to investigate our very old mercury filled long life light bulb Asda sold us for 10p fifteen years ago because we were brainwashed into doing our bit for energy conservation and which gives out a depressingly low level of light !

I still thought it a good idea to give the lampshade a shake to get rid of the dust and watched in horror as great clouds of it came away for a good five minutes and the paper disintegrated before my eyes, leaving me holding the metal bit hanging on by a thread !

Having said goodnight to my wife who was still downstairs I called out as I descended the stairs to warn her I was returning because she HATES me returning once I have said goodnight and left the room....no I don't know why either !

I explained the problem but lied about the fly being gone and went through to my room to sellotape the totally wrecked shade with slightly less than an entire roll of Poundland's worst ever tape !

Twenty minutes later I retraced my steps, passing my wife who was delaying going to bed because she knew she wouldn't be able to sleep for more than an hour and twenty minutes once she went as her waking hours are now approaching twenty two hours, not counting the many naps she has during the day !

The fly was nowhere to be seen and I prayed it had left of it's own accord and went to my bed to read before nodding off for my customary nine hours !

Shirley must have come up at some point because I was awakened by the scream of death and leapt naked to save her !

She too was naked....in the bathroom and pointing hysterically at the blackened window where the fly apparently was but which I couldn't see because I'm rubbish at seeing black things against black things !

"It's THERE you idiot !" she screamed, quivering behind me and pointing as far as I couldn't see, at nothing !

"Turn the light off or it'll see us !"

I briefly wondered if she was worried that a large and lazy black fly might vomit at the sight of two naked seventy year olds looking for him with the light off !

I was too tired to argue or try to fathom out that bit of logic !

"KILL IT, you useless man, it's THERE !", pointing somewhere else ! "No THERE !", pointing somewhere else again !

I soon became disoriented as her screams, the fly's non-appearance and exhaustion started to overwhelm me !

"Can you just get out of here and let me do what a man has to do Shirley ?" I pleaded !

"No because you're blind and deaf and nothing without me...THERE IT IS ! KKKIIILLLLLL IIIITTT !!!!"

And finally I smote it a stunning flick with my personal towel and it lay dazed between the grandchildren's toothbrushes !

"Grab it ! Squash it ! KILL IT !" she cried out again and I did so in six pieces of toilet paper as I don't like the sound or feel of popping flies and went to throw the carcass out of the window !

"NNNNOOOO ! Do not open the window you idiot, you'll let them all in ! Put it down the toilet !"

So I did and flushed but the thing's body remained floating on the water until I'd flushed it again !

I staggered to my bed and as I lay there heard Shirley flushing the toilet three more times which she'll note when she checks the water usage on the water meter shortly !

And then this morning I noticed the Daddy Long Legs lying drowned in the bathroom sink beside Shirley's flannel and chose not to mention it to her after I'd thrown it out !

SALLY...PART 227 ! SHIRLEY CALLED OUT, "DON'T FORGET, NO UNSOCIAL DISTANCING !"

"AND HE'S ON HOW MANY TABLETS ?" A FRIEND AND MY WIFE HAVING A GOOD LAUGH AT MY EXPENSE !

Although I'm still working flattish out there's no question that I have put on weight just under my chest and above my hips !

I don't yet have what even polite people call a 'gunt', a term not too hard to work out and Joe Wicks has been of no use whatsoever in preventing its appearance so I have taken matters into my own hands by cycling at least a mile a day and doing so slowly so as not to tire myself out !

Today I went to the chemist to get my stuff and I'm pretty sure it's that stuff given to me to keep me alive that is killing me...statins being the latest...even the former head of heart surgery and a pioneer in transplants with whom I played golf refused to take them !

As I set off I heard the familiar sound of the front patio doors squawking open and knew that more instructions were about to be given !

"NO unsocial distancing and don't go in if anyone else is in as I need you to carry on earning !" is what I might have heard if I had listened but as I didn't I'm only guessing !

I cycled along my road which had no cars in it or people on the pavement, cut through to the tarmac paths that lead across the playing fields, seeing no-one, cut through to the next main road which was deserted, shot up to the shop which had no-one outside or in it, padlocked my old unattractive, relunctantly donated small man's bike to the same fence from which Shirley had had her beautiful gold unpadlocked ladies bicycle stolen from on the morning of 9/11 and carefully looked around me, noting that there wasn't a soul to be seen !

I entered the shop where a terrified looking assistant came forward with my bag and demanded my postcode from behind several clear plastic face shields, and several yards behind a huge plastic shield fitted around the counter and which oddly finished halfway across the shop thereby negating any protective purpose it might have served !

She dropped my order onto the counter and ran back to her solitary work station, a tiny cramped place where SIX assistants normally stand shoulder to shoulder ALL day long and shouted, "NOW GET OUT ! SHOO ! QUICKLY !"

I sauntered to the door wearing a casual sneer, exited, saw no-one, mounted my steed, rode the entire way home without seeing another human and found my wife, startled by my speedy return, wiping the remains of her daily red onion and cheese on toast off her almost non existent lips which both she and I have found to be THE perfect foodstuff for guaranteeing social distancing betwen us !

"GOOD GOD you were quick ! Did you stay socially undistanced ?"

"It's socially DIStanced and yes I did and there wasn't even a dog walker out !"

"Get the Scrabble out then...it's time for your thrashing !"

And she won for the seventh out of the last eight times !

SALLY...PART 226 ! DANIEL THE TEN YEAR OLD ARACHNOPHOBE, TECHNICALLY, NEVER SHUTS UP !

HEADBUTTA AGED THREE AND WHO NOW AGED TEN HASN'T 'ACCIDENTALLY' HEADBUTTED ANYONE AT SCHOOL FOR MONTHS, ONLY BECAUSE SCHOOL'S SHUT !

You have to go into a yogic state of mind if you are to survive a session with Daniel, 10, who technically (his favourite word apart from 'yeh ?' when he's describing something, ANYTHING, to whoever will listen to him !) never shuts up so I took a deep breath before opening his front door to collect him for a bike ride yesterday afternoon !

HIS LOVE OF PEPPERAMI STARTED EARLY !

I DID NOT go in because of this STUPID virus thing and simply called out his name, "Daniel, are you coming for a bike ride ? Daniel ! DANIEL ! DDAANNIIEELL !"

"I'm just getting dressed !" he called from a long way away.

"It's FOUR O'CLOCK, why aren't you dressed ?"

"I've been doing my homework !"

Now if one good thing has emerged from the schools being shut it's the fact that Daniel's HUGE brain has not been getting him into detention and he hasn't 'accidentally' headbutted any other child for several months now and instead has produced work of a remarkably HIGH standard on his own !

He appeared in his porch with an UPTURNED pint glass and a bit of scrunched up paper.

"What's that for Daniel ?"

"There's a spider under my trainer and I'm an arachnophobe !" he said, pushing the shoe with one foot outstretched, at which a REALLY fast small spider ran straight back under it !

He simply couldn't coordinate his brain, his foot and his two hands to catch the thing so I said, "Put the paper down as it's no use to man or beast, get your glass down near the trainer and as you move it quickly trap the spider under it." which he did easily and then carefully slid a card under it and carried the creature safely outside to a bush where he triumphantly released it having told me he was an arachnophobe a hundred times during the operation !

I BET HE COULDN'T HAVE DEALT WITH THE ONE IN MY GARAGE !

He then led me two miles to the beach, talking the whole time about cat based simulated war games, not stopping to take a breath as he leapt off sand dunes, smashed rocks and didn't seem bothered by the fact that I repeatedly fell asleep whilst doing my best to follow his detailed descriptions !

I seem to remember that the cats were naked and the female ones held their spears over their 'centreealised parts' !

DANIEL TALKING NON STOP AT THE SAME AS LEAPING !

He wouldn't eat a Jaffa Cake or packet of crisps I'd taken for a picnic and he wouldn't accept my money to go into a shop on the way to get some sweets because he's determined to cut his body fat down from 6%, or perhaps not let it rise above it, and he wants to get his stomach muscles 'ripped' although he had eaten three bread sticks and two pepperami for lunch !

"That's not a proper lunch Daniel !"

"Well normally I cook myself an omelette but I was too busy and forgot !"

He was probably painting yet more of the hundred War Hammer models he's made !

TALKED TO DEATH AND DEFEATED BY THE FIVE YEAR OLD CHESS MASTER WHO REFUSED TO USE A BOARD !

He's TEN for God's sake and I really want to be around to see what he becomes, perhaps a politician as he already resembles one of my least liked Ministers, Michael Gove !

NOTHING IS BEYOND THIS BOY AS YOU CAN SEE FROM THIS MODEL OF THE EIFFEL TOWER WHICH HE BUILT AND WIRED UP WITHOUT ANY HELP !