No doctor has quite worked out what is actually wrong with me in the last many years but stuff like raised blood pressure, gallstones, a hiatus hernia and quite serious life threatening heart conditions have all been investigated and chemicals prescribed which allow me to carry on writing this garbage and make thousands of more purses and more importantly survive to annoy !
Three hours after a particularly large serving of Shirley's beef caserole, roast potatoes, carrots and parsnips which I was too full to finish a suspected stomach ulcer which is YET to be proven saw me in distress with very dreadful breathing problems and a blood pressure reading of 217/117 which was so high that it required immediate A&E treatment !
So Shirley thrust a toothbrush and a virtually empty tube of toothpaste into my already stuffed coat and didn't cry or appear in any way moved as I was driven off !
Gemma must have thought her father a complete idiot when he asked the receptionist if he could use the toilet before sitting down and I think I must have been pretty much out of it because I can only vaguely remember asking !
Masked up in casualty and with a triage nurse confirming my home monitor reading I was sat in a spacious area that I think might have been especially peopled with nutters to keep me entertained for the three and a half hours I was there amongst and one of them !
No-one spoke, except some of those nutters, jabbering to themselves as I read and re-read a TV screen headline, 'Firm confirms it's sold more vehicles but with less profit this year' as it slid continuously across the bottom of a large screen that also recommended 'STAY IN AND WORK OUT' and permanently showed 'WAITING TIME TWO HOURS' !'
Very little happened; almost no activity took place...a body here and a body there were called and disappeared but no-one new came in once I'd arrived at 10pm !
An overweight elderly man in shorts with a cut knee irritated everyone for two hours until he disappeared by working his way very slowly backwards in the wheelchair he'd been sat in by removing one slipper and sock and using the big toe of his uninjured leg to thrust himself one inch at a time out of the building and then back in again ! I refused to catch his eye as I didn't want another friend for life like so many others I've managed to pick up along the way !
Some sat jiggling up and down and others burst out laughing at nothing whilst black clothed 'SECURITY' officers wandered in and out to go to the toilet or collect a paper cup of coffee from a vending machine off limits to the public !
And so I waited for my arm to be emptied of blood for tests and was sent out to wait again with a canula left inserted in case I collapsed, my mobile phone totally beyond my comprehension lying idle in my lap after I had REALLY tried and failed to connect it to the NHS network so I could keep my unworried sleeping wife up to speed !
I mean, I REALLY tried but I never carry a phone and had NO idea of what my password is, what the maiden name of my mother's favourite aunt's mother-in-law was or which of a hundred 'data sliders' to operate but I now see that it cost me TWO QUID to fail to use the pay as you go monster that I'm forced to carry in case I die and need to phone for help !
I now wish I'd thought about what to wear that would have eased me smoothly through my visit and the tests but I didn't so here's what NOT to wear....A thick coat with stuffed pockets on top of what looks like a road mender's 'gilet', on top of TWO woollen jumpers, on top of a long sleeved Rohan shirt, on top of a T shirt !
Each time I was summed for another test I had to remove everything and the staff must have thought I lived on the streets, especially when stuff started falling out of my pockets and onto the floor.....like the toothbrush I didn't recognise !
"OH GOD !" I thought, "please don't let her have sent me with the one that sits at the far end of the shelf that I use to bleach the taps and clean the plug holes !" and which I didn't need because I got sent home !
And I do believe I heard quite a disappointed sounding hissed, "Oh Bugger !" coming from beneath an upstairs bedroom as I walked back in at 2:06am but I didn't mention it !
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