SALLY....PART 242. STOP TALKING RIGHT NOW OR I WILL PUT A KNIFE TO YOUR THROAT !

 

I adore my eleven year old grandson Daniel !

He's a complete genius and seems to genuinely understand quantum and nuclear physics to the point where he can explain it to me as if HE'S 72 and I'M 11 !

His mother has brought her boys up with a full knowledge of the workings of the human body in such an open and honest way which I would never have done and didn't do, waiting for them to ask questions which I then told them to go and ask their mother but as no-one seems to agree with me these days about keeping children as innocent as possible for as long as possible I must be in the wrong....or am I ?

My father was a Doctor and he never had THAT talk with any of his five sons and we all survived happily in complete ignorance of anything above a lady's ankle and so did my sons !

Learning what you needed to know about life behind the bike sheds has served boys well for generations and I don't see why things should change now !

Sadly I never found anyone to take ME behind the bike sheds so my knowledge has remained at ankle height my entire life !

Anyway today I posted this photo of two frogs in an embrace and my daughter showed it to her son without realising it showed frogs having sex !

He said, "Why are you showing me a picture of frogs having sex ?" and she replied, "I don't think they have sex, he just squirts over the eggs !" And HE replied, " Stop talking now or I will put a knife to your throat !"

She's a midwife without an edit button which she might have inherited from me and he's going to grow up weird !

 

SALLY....PART 241. "TROUBLE WITH YOUR OWLS MR. NASH ?"

I must admit that my hearing is not what it was and so when I was asked this morning whether I was having trouble with my owls I had to stop and think about that for a second !

The lady who asked me was speaking from behind her facemask and spoke in a quiet voice heavily laden with Geordie which I might have found hard to understand if she hadn't had a mask on and I could have seen her lips moving !

I looked beeseechingly first at her and then at the ceiling and then at her friend and then back to her before saying, "Owls ? I don't have any and wasn't planning on getting any so why do you ask ?"

Her friend groaned, as did the lady who then spoke louder and clearer to this evidently STUPID old man !

"I said BOWELS MR NASH, BOWELS !"

I then remembered I was lying on an examination bed about to have a CT Colonagraphy treat and tutting in a way I hoped she'd think meant that I was trying to bring humour to my terror replied, "Oh BOWELS ? No but then that's for you to find out isn't it ?"

The next few minutes were not the most pleasant I've ever experienced as enough carbon dioxide to launch several hot air balloons was 'introduced' to an unmentionable part of my body and I went very quiet for quite a while !

SALLY...PART 240....AND SO THE TESTS BEGIN !

 Tomorrow I'm going to have an endoscopy to see what's causing whatever problems I've been having and when I checked the letter this morning I read the word 'Gastrology' and thought that that meant sticking the tube up from the other end so I phoned the ward and said, remarkably sneerily, "Do you know what I'm having tomorrow ?" as if I was talking to an idiot and the receptionist said with genuinely undisgused kindness, the sort reserved for scared ancient idiots, "Yes of course, we are going to have a look down your throat into your stomach." 

"Ah so 'Gastrology' doesn't mean coming up from the other direction ?"

"No it doesn't Jonathan, you're having that next week...a CT Colonoscopy."

Only professionals call me by my real first name as I can't be bothered trying to explain why no-one else calls me by it !

"Right, I was just checking !" I stuttered holding my fist between my teeth to stop myself bursting into tears, "I'll see you tomorrow then!"

And yes I HAD read the enclosed leaflet that described EXACTLY what they would be doing !

Must be nerves then !

SALLY....PART 239. AN HOUR LATER AND I STILL CAN'T FIND THE PITTAS !

 I'm having to cook for myself today because Shirley's reacted a bit to yesterday's jab and taken to her bed...which is no longer our bed because of my snoring so I'm now in the boxroom because were I to sleep in the other main bedroom she says I'd wake the neighbours up !

It's raining too hard to go to the shop to buy some bread so she suggested I had cheese on pitta rather than cheese on toast and that's where today's problems began !

You will barely find an ornament in the house and certainly no collections as Shirley can't stand either BUT she's got a thing about old bread and frozen fruit bags which she saves by the hundred and uses to keep opened packets of other foodstuffs in...including packets of pitta breads !

She said they were in the freezer but I'm now frozen to the bone having had to look inside every reused bag and I still can't find the things !

And now I'm REALLY starving !

GET UP AND COME DOWN....PLEASE ! 

POST SCRIPT....Shirley DID get up and came down to INSTANTLY put her hands on the pittas which were inside another pitta bag....of course !

And I ended up with some lovely scran that she wouldn't touch !

SALLY....PART 238. IS IT TIME TO WRITE THOSE FINAL LETTERS ?

 "It's all too late and you should have done it before !" I thought to myself when I was sitting in A&E with a cannula in my arm expecting my head and heart block up ort explode,"You should have written each important person in your life a farewell letter !"

But d'you know what, it's several days later and I have done nothing about them and can't bring myself to start so you'll all have to wait until I'm REALLY ill !