"YUK ! What's that disgusting smell ?" Shirley demanded forcefully as she lit the grill above her mountainous pile of reeking red onions and finely sliced mature cheddar cheese she'd placed upon a slice of late dated 50/50 Warburtons finest and which she'd forgotten to light ten minutes before because some missing items from 'Click And Collect' had distracted her !
"I have no idea !" I said but then I barely smell anything these days so I genuinely had no idea and anyway didn't care as I was watching a mechanic replace the brake lines on a Rolls Royce whose interior had been COMPLETELY destroyed by racoons !
"It's GROSS !" she continued, and how CAN you carry on watching 'no marks' people doing brainless stuff on cars you'll never own ?"
I had no answer to that and so stayed silent rather than start an argument about Scandi Noirs !
"It's got to be YOU ! What have you got on ?" She can be a bit intimidating when her bloods up...it rarely isn't !
"Nothing ! Pears soap if anything !" I wheedled.
"Did you use hand gel at Asda ?" she demanded, staring with hatred at my hands !
"Yes !" I stuttered, "I mean no, it was Poundland !"
"Well that explains it then, the cheapskates ! Never use it again OK ?
"OK!" and I tried to continue to watch my programme whilst looking at her because she doesn't like NOT being looked at when she's talking !
"Tea's gone up a penny !" she huffed and tutted as she walked her singed feast through to her morning settee !
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