I'll send you a list once you've dropped off Toby and got to Aldi as I don't know what I want yet, have you got your phone and is it charged, let me have a look, there's 58% so that should do if you don't use it between now and then, right get going as it's already five minutes since Julian left and he'll be there well before you, have you got 'Jumper' and don't forget Bear's in the shopping trolley we bought for my mother twenty years ago and which she never got to use and even if Julian doesn't want it in his house he's getting it because Toby likes to take Bear for a walk in it, have you got bags ?"
I had already forgotten everything in the above conversation as my front wheels bumped down the kerb !
Anyway, the traffic was hideous but I still I arrived a good ten minutes early, needing a wee although I'd only just had one and decided to wait until I got to Aldi as I thought they would be bound to have a toilet and I can't bear the one that Greggs' customers share with Burger King's and all the people on the A1 who only stop for the toilet !
I got to Aldi really really needing a wee, smirking at the memory of my son's face as he reluctantly loaded the shopping trolley into his boot and was relieved to see that the text message about the shopping only read, 'ALMONDS,NUTS FOR YOU' and shot in, immediately spying NO toilet so grabbed the nuts and headed to the only cashier working and saw to my horror that the woman in front of me was bent double, easing the weight off her top half by resting it on the child's seat over a trolley overfilled with biscuits and at least twenty two litre bottles of cheap Coke !
The sight of all that liquid didn't help my condition but by luck I heard 'We are opening till four for you" come over the speaker system and charged through several pegs to get to the front, paid, shot out and headed for the nearest hedge to relieve myself but there was too much light and too many people around to avoid arrest so I drove home like a demented idiot and threw myself through the door and ran upstairs, dumping the nuts in my wife's hands on the way !
"Where's everything else on the list ?" she called up.
"It only said, 'ALMONDS,NUTS FOR YOU' twice as it happens !" I replied in pain !
"Don't be STUPID !" she shouted back, "I sent a whole list and just once !"
"Hang on, give us a break, I'll be down in a minute !"
"What do you mean it only said 'ALMONDS, NUTS FOR YOU twice ? Give me your phone ! Show me where !"
Whatever I clicked on now read, 'And salad cream'...TWICE !
"It said,'ALMONDS,NUTS FOR YOU' twice when I saw it !"
"Why didn't you press on that message you idiot and the list would have appeared ?"
"I didn't know you had to do that !" I whimpered !
"WHAT ? You didn't know you have to click on a message to see it ? You're PATHETIC ! Now I've got no chocolate cake for tonight's World Cup match !"
"No I didn't know but I'll go back if you want ! I couldn't think AND anyway I didn't have a pound coin for the trolley and if I had had one I wouldn't have managed to get everything without bursting !"
"Don't bother, I'll have a packet of your cheap crisps as you didn't get my posh ones and get yourself sorted out...a text message has to be clicked on !"
"What's a text message ?" I thought as I went through to my room to finish sewing another fifty purses !
