SALLY...PART 187. DENTAL IMPRESSIONS TODAY AND THE WORST TEN MINUTES OF MY LIFE !

There is NO preparing yourself for the full horror of a dental impression !

It is HORRIBLE ! And if you think you DON'T have a 'Gagging Reflex' YOU DO !

Don't let anyone tell you otherwise !

Don't believe a word your dentist says !

Breathe slowly and deeply through your mouth whilst having pleasant thoughts ?

TOSH !

And when he takes it out it's just as bad if not WORSE !

Next time I will insist on a General Anaesthetic !

I am going to write two apologetic cards if they print such things...one to my dentist and one to his nurse !

As his 'tool' hit my gagging spot I grabbed his wrist in a vice like grip desperate to force his diabolical 'tray' device out of my mouth but he overcame my force with even greater force and pushed it in further and HELD it there for a full YEAR whilst Nurse Sarah held my other hand and stroked it, urging me to breathe deeply through my nose...which I couldn't because holding my jaws apart shut off those normally quite sizeable passages !

Now retching whilst your being sick is a doddle compared to the retching you'll do when having an impression taken and I'm NOT joking !

As I sat there flailing and retching abominably, fighting against my dentist Mr Williamson's determination, Nurse Sarah kept an iron grip on my left hand whilst strokng it furiously yet gently enough for me to start having disgusting thoughts about her, thoughts that nearly made me miss her gently cooing voice......."Think nice thoughts Mr Nash ! Think of you getting a hole in one on the golf course on a bright sunny day ! Try and imagine lying in a field of daisies whilst your favourite dental nurse lies sleeping beside you ! Try and picture a tinkling stream or puffy clouds over a lake in Switzerland and other lovely things ! Do you know 'High On A Hill Sat A Lonely Goat Herd from The Sound Of Music Mr Nash ? I'll sing it if you hum along ! Come on now Mr Williamson, you whistle the tune for us !"

And that's how we got through the whole DISGUSTING experience...Mr Williamson whistling, Nurse Sarah singing her heart out and me trying to bravely retch in harmony !

It'll be two weeks before I go back to complete my course of treatment and I don't even think I'll let that deeply brain vibrating slow drill thing bother me after today !

SALLY...Part 186. THE TWENTY FIVE QUID UNDER RIM TOILET BRUSH !

YES TWENTY FIVE QUID !

Months ago it was when Shirley came to me HORRIFIED !

"Have you ever been down on your knees and looked up and under the toilet bowl's rim ?" she hurled at me mercilessly !

"Can't say I have pet no !" I answered with trepidation, fearing the worst !

"Well it's DISGUSTING and you're the one who cleans the toilet so SORT IT NOW !"

" I'm just finishing off these purs........

"NOW !"

So up I went obediently and frankly couldn't see what she was on about ! I clean that toilet perfectly every day and have even considered opening my own Public Toilet in my front garden now that England no longer has a single one in any town !

 I could sell Cream Teas whilst people waited or after they'd been and make a fortune !

"Shirley ! You could eat your dinner off my rim !" I said incorrectly !

"No you couldn't you blind fool and as usual I'm going to have to be the one who does something about it !"

So three days of research threw up a twenty five pound under rim model from Tescos and I was told to buy one next time I was near a store.

"TWENTY FIVE QUID FOR A TOILET BRUSH ? ARE YOU MAD ?" I squeaked.

"If that's what they cost then that's what you'll spend you tight fisted git !" she bellowed !

So months later I bought it and took it home triumphantly, adopting a 'Statue Of Liberty' pose as I presented it to my wife, disturbing her greatly as she hadn't finished checking the world's weather reports only ten hours after she'd once again woken at 4am !

"DAH DAAAH !" I roared !

"What is THAT ?" she sneered .

"That my darling is the twenty five quid under rim toilet brush you commanded me to buy months ago !" I replied awaiting her approval.

"Don't be STUPID ! No-one would pay twenty five quid for a toilet brush whether it cleans under the rim or not and I did not 'COMMAND' you to buy anything, never COMMAND you to do anything and certainly not to buy an under rim toilet brush for twenty five quid ! I'm going to have a heart attack and keep youir voice down or the neighbours will hear !" she threw back in my face !

"So you are actually denying that you spent DAYS researching under rim toilet brushes are you ?" I fumed, choking with hatred as I knew she HAD !

"I most certainly did NOT and if you want a good kicking just try carrying on with that tone in your voice !" she snarled, wiping the spittle off her chin with her fetid sleeve !

So that sorted that out and so we went out into the garden for our daily game of Scrabble which today was in the rain !

THIS DAILY GAME KEEPS US SANE !

Several days later and it's GONE !

The nice lady at Tescos gave me my money back without asking why I was returning it which was a pity really because I would have loved to have repeated some of Shirley's choicest swear words when she first saw it !

I hid under a tree at tescos to take this shot as I didn't want anyone to see me and think me weird and report me !

And my next stop was B&Q to replace the 'wrong' jointing sand with the correct jointing sand !