My friend is in his late forties and last week I struggled to pull the truth out of him after a man more of my age went skipping off triumphantly after being given a little blue tablet by another man who, in his early thirties, supplied him and my friend !
The thirty year old apparently takes a double dose though what a Doctor would say about it I wouldn't care to think !
My friend tried one for the first time a week before and he had a DISASTER !
About twenty minutes after swallowing it he started to feel oddly overheated, his face flushed, his head felt 'funny', he felt extremely irritable and he found himself the owner of a stonking WEAPON !
But then his companion asked him something completely reasonable and he blew up at her for no reason he could explain and THAT ruined the atmosphere somewhat !
So, as no apology was accepted he found himself almost in tears and desperate for an antidote for which there is none !
The lady apparently then reluctantly accepted his grovelling and normal relations followed which even he admitted went on for far too long, to the point where she reached for her book to read behind his head and he later collapsed with a terrible pain in his lower back which he still had a week later, during which NO 'relations' were even remotely possible for him !
When he spoke to me there was no triumph in his tale, no bragging and his face was still flushed after eight days so there has to be a moral to this story doesn't there ?
Thursday 15 March 2018
Tuesday 13 March 2018
SALLY...PART 194. I DONE A BAD MURDER !!
Lying is never acceptable and although I didn't actually lie this morning I didn't tell the truth either, which is pathetic !
My grandson Dylan cooked a delicious chicken stirfry last night and despite being only twelve he made a great job of it !
I did the washing up and although we're staying at my daughter's house we never use the dishwasher which to us is an abomination and represents the height of decadence and laziness !
This morning I got it in the neck when Shirley put the washing up away and I must say somewhat over dramatically thrust a serving spoon in my face and pointed at the tiny bit of 'SOY SAUCE' still clinging to an edge !
"Might as well have done it myself!" she muttered as pieces of cutlery hit their respective compartments unnecessarily forcefully, I thought silently !
I chose not to tell her that it WASN'T Soy Sauce at all but Douwe Egbert's coffee !
You see, when I came down at 7am to put the kettle on I reached for that nasty nasty vacuum sealed jar they sell their granules in and grabbed for the top which instead of remaining stubbornly in place shot off like a rocket with a mountain of granules shooting out of the jar and landing in a heap on the damp worktop which I cleared with said spoon before inadequately rinsing it....obviously !
Had I told her what I'd done I'd have been in even more trouble for not having properly sealed the jar the previous evening !
OH and the disturbingly large lump in my neck which I've known about for a month and told no-one about, which I thought spelled the beginning of the end turned out to be nothing more than a common lipoma according to the Ultrasound I had this afternoon !
My grandson Dylan cooked a delicious chicken stirfry last night and despite being only twelve he made a great job of it !
I did the washing up and although we're staying at my daughter's house we never use the dishwasher which to us is an abomination and represents the height of decadence and laziness !
This morning I got it in the neck when Shirley put the washing up away and I must say somewhat over dramatically thrust a serving spoon in my face and pointed at the tiny bit of 'SOY SAUCE' still clinging to an edge !
"Might as well have done it myself!" she muttered as pieces of cutlery hit their respective compartments unnecessarily forcefully, I thought silently !
I chose not to tell her that it WASN'T Soy Sauce at all but Douwe Egbert's coffee !
You see, when I came down at 7am to put the kettle on I reached for that nasty nasty vacuum sealed jar they sell their granules in and grabbed for the top which instead of remaining stubbornly in place shot off like a rocket with a mountain of granules shooting out of the jar and landing in a heap on the damp worktop which I cleared with said spoon before inadequately rinsing it....obviously !
Had I told her what I'd done I'd have been in even more trouble for not having properly sealed the jar the previous evening !
OH and the disturbingly large lump in my neck which I've known about for a month and told no-one about, which I thought spelled the beginning of the end turned out to be nothing more than a common lipoma according to the Ultrasound I had this afternoon !
Friday 9 March 2018
SALLY...PART 193. "DAVID ! I'VE LEFT THE ELECTRIC TOOTHBRUSH CHARGER PLUGGED IN !"
Leaving for a three hour drive at 11am on the first warm, sunny day we'd had since arriving two days before to go back to BABYSIT a four year old until midnight might seem like going that one step too far to help your children,especially when you're SIXTY NINE but that's what we were doing when all hell struck !
Half an hour into the journey and already tired because I'd repacked the car, Hoovered the place and drained it off in case another cold blast hits in the next month, Shirley suddenly grabbed her head in her hands and let out the howl to beat all howls !
A shot of adrenalin surged through my body in response as I imagined the sort of devastating heart attack she must have just had and my right foot twitched sending my speed rocketing at least two mph beyond the thirty miles an hour she insists I stick to on major roads !
I was looking for a layby to stop in to administer the first aid her attack seemed to warrant when she whimpered, "David, I think I've left the toothbrush charger plugged in !"
"AND ?" I replied.
"I left the toothbrush in the bathroom !", she groaned.
"AND ?" I requizzed.
"What if the charger overheats and catches fire and burns the place down ?"
"It's made by ORAL B and if a single ORAL B toothbrush charger had EVER caught fire and burned a place down ORAL B as a company would be finished, so stop worrying ! There's no current going through the thing so it can't heat up let alone overheat !"
"I'm going to have to phone Gemma !"
"Gemma, it's Mum and I think I've left the toothbrush charger plugged in without the toothbrush on it and we haven't got time to go back as we're babysitting this aftenoon ! Do you think I should phone someone and pay the thirty five pound call out charge for someone to go in and have a look ?"
"Oh I can't risk that in case they see the carrier bag Dad placed over the kitchen extractor fan to stop the gale blasting through and OH GOD, they'll see the plastic bag he put over the smoke detector when I made my toast this morning and the forensic team are bound to see the solidified pool of plastic under where the smoke detector had been and our insurance will be null and void so what do you think ?"
"WHAT TWO AMPS ! Is that a LOT ? David, the tothbrush charger uses two amps ! I'm going to have to text Julian !"
"Julian's texted back to tell me to stop being so stupid because something not connected to its charger means neither it nor the charger can overheat and/or catch fire and you're doing thirty two !"
"And I bet you've already forgotten that you need to bring an 'invisible' plaster to put over that loose nail and the tape to put round the short piece of lagging pipe you put around the bed leg to stop me stubbing my toe on when I come back from the bathroom in the dead of night, haven't you ? Oh and the candle for greasing the curtain rails !"
"Right we'll have to make sure we have a list of things to do before we leave in the future and I'm putting YOU in charge of that !"
She fell back in a half faint with her eyes closed and sucked on my three quarters eaten apple core that she always finishes off when we're driving and I let my speed creep up to thirty five, which you would have thought would have been enough to stop all the hooting and flashing lights from behind but didn't !
Half an hour into the journey and already tired because I'd repacked the car, Hoovered the place and drained it off in case another cold blast hits in the next month, Shirley suddenly grabbed her head in her hands and let out the howl to beat all howls !
A shot of adrenalin surged through my body in response as I imagined the sort of devastating heart attack she must have just had and my right foot twitched sending my speed rocketing at least two mph beyond the thirty miles an hour she insists I stick to on major roads !
I was looking for a layby to stop in to administer the first aid her attack seemed to warrant when she whimpered, "David, I think I've left the toothbrush charger plugged in !"
"AND ?" I replied.
"I left the toothbrush in the bathroom !", she groaned.
"AND ?" I requizzed.
"What if the charger overheats and catches fire and burns the place down ?"
"It's made by ORAL B and if a single ORAL B toothbrush charger had EVER caught fire and burned a place down ORAL B as a company would be finished, so stop worrying ! There's no current going through the thing so it can't heat up let alone overheat !"
"I'm going to have to phone Gemma !"
"Gemma, it's Mum and I think I've left the toothbrush charger plugged in without the toothbrush on it and we haven't got time to go back as we're babysitting this aftenoon ! Do you think I should phone someone and pay the thirty five pound call out charge for someone to go in and have a look ?"
"Oh I can't risk that in case they see the carrier bag Dad placed over the kitchen extractor fan to stop the gale blasting through and OH GOD, they'll see the plastic bag he put over the smoke detector when I made my toast this morning and the forensic team are bound to see the solidified pool of plastic under where the smoke detector had been and our insurance will be null and void so what do you think ?"
"WHAT TWO AMPS ! Is that a LOT ? David, the tothbrush charger uses two amps ! I'm going to have to text Julian !"
"Julian's texted back to tell me to stop being so stupid because something not connected to its charger means neither it nor the charger can overheat and/or catch fire and you're doing thirty two !"
"And I bet you've already forgotten that you need to bring an 'invisible' plaster to put over that loose nail and the tape to put round the short piece of lagging pipe you put around the bed leg to stop me stubbing my toe on when I come back from the bathroom in the dead of night, haven't you ? Oh and the candle for greasing the curtain rails !"
"Right we'll have to make sure we have a list of things to do before we leave in the future and I'm putting YOU in charge of that !"
She fell back in a half faint with her eyes closed and sucked on my three quarters eaten apple core that she always finishes off when we're driving and I let my speed creep up to thirty five, which you would have thought would have been enough to stop all the hooting and flashing lights from behind but didn't !
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