I have three children and my youngest lost the toss with his siblings to see who had to have us over for Christmas Dinner this year !
I had barely got through the front door when Janny said, "Can you put Toby in the car and take him for a drive to get him to sleep and then sit with him for an hour until he wakes up ?"
He's two and terrible !
As it turned out he screamed blue murder and wouldn't let me dress him or take him out of the house so at least I got my lunch first before I swooped him up under protest and buckled him in, wrapped in a thick blanket.....he was asleep before we had turned the first corner !
So I drove for ten minutes, returned to the house and sat freezing and sleeping myself until Janny opened the door and handed me in a mug of tea and her mobile phone for me to read the papers on although she hadn't changed the script from Thai back into English which made things difficult !
Anyway, the day was got through and when I got home just now I really fancied a couple of pieces of a gift I'd got, some Marks and Spencers chocolate covered honeycomb which was too hard to bite and too big to eat in one go so taking an ordinary knife and a cereal bowl I cracked the first bit with too much force and it EXPLODED, turned to dust and covered every surface in the kitchen but knowing that I had only thirty seconds to clear up the mess before Shirley came in having changed from her hot house wear into our somewhat cooler house wear I did a remarkable job silently, screaming, "Fuck, Fuck FUCK !" under my breath !
I stuffed the remaining whole piece into my mouth and sat there looking nonchalantly innocent or tried to but I couldn't shut my mouth and slurp started to drool out of me and into the dish, puddling revoltingly until I'd melted it enough to chomp down on !
Enter the eagle eyed one !
"WHAT IS THIS !" she demanded, spotting the last hundred or so fragments that had avoided my panic !
"Oh it could be a bit of this honeycomb that broke up a bit when I hit it gently !" I replied, lisping gurglingly through a pool of sticky saliva that lay under my tongue and coated my teeth and roof !
"And is that what I've just trodden in too ?" she growled, staring at her chocolate encrusted foot !
"Oh did a bit fall on the floor too ? Sorry !" I said through a mouthful of mixture that I wouldn't be able to swallow for several more minutes !
"And WHAT is in the bottom of this dish ?" she demanded as she swept it away to wash it up without recognising a small pond of uncontrollable slurp lying there !
"It's the honeycomb melted a bit." I lied unconvincingly !
Well Shirley, if you've read this you will now know what it was !
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