I don't use anything on this Blog so whatever the regulations are, they don't apply to me ! I DON'T pass on information or even have contact with anyone or anything ! NO ONE EVER comments on ANY of my 200 Blogs anyway and that COULD be because I and/or the Blogs are just too boring, or I've pressed something that I have no clue about and prevented commenting !
As far as I'm concerned my Blog is written to make my wife laugh so the rest of you are a bonus and I hope some of you at least smile at it occasionally !
Oh and I don't earn anything from it or allow advertisers access to it so I guess it'll probably be safe from whatever Europe is attempting to make us safe from !
Next Blog....Surving a holiday on an isolated Scottish Island with fifteen relatives....if I survive !
Friday 25 May 2018
Saturday 19 May 2018
SALLY...PART 200 ! 48 LOST HOURS !
"It's time to man up and pull yourself together !" Shirley said, whipping my quilt off me at 6:40am and pulling me back towards consciousness after an almighty forty eight hour dose of food poisoning which SOMETHING or SOMEONE gave me along with a heavy head cold !
At least I can see today and my head doesn't feel like it's being pounded by a sledge hammer !
"You won't be able to drive into Newcastle to watch Dylan march as the parking'll be impossible so I'll wrap up some toilet wipes and you'll just have to get off the bus and find a public toilet if you're that desperate !" she continued lovingly !
"I need some bread so get dressed and go and get me some but you'd better make it white and I suppose I'll have to eat it too as the last thing you need is roughage !" she called out as I emptied last night's wee pot, rinsed it and sprayed it and everything else I'd touched with anti-virus spray !
Heh and what ARE the 0.01% of bacteria and viruses it can't kill and where are they lurking ?
The wee pot ?
Oh, well, that's what I now have to use in 'MY' bedroom instead of going to the bathroom at night because even walking totally silently wakes Shirley who has finally hit a 'negative' sleep pattern after year upon year of telling me, "Well that was THE worst night's sleep yet !"
Although whenever I'm awake at night all I hear is evidence that she is soundly asleep !
So what gave it to me....what brought about that feeling in the abdomen that everyone knows ?
The chicken pies cooked and eaten in a rush before Hugo arrived ?
The slightly wet and only warmed through scampi ?
The overwhelming fumes from the block paving sealant I'd spent two days using !
Not to find myself in a position of never getting fed again I'll go with the fumes !
At least I can see today and my head doesn't feel like it's being pounded by a sledge hammer !
"You won't be able to drive into Newcastle to watch Dylan march as the parking'll be impossible so I'll wrap up some toilet wipes and you'll just have to get off the bus and find a public toilet if you're that desperate !" she continued lovingly !
"I need some bread so get dressed and go and get me some but you'd better make it white and I suppose I'll have to eat it too as the last thing you need is roughage !" she called out as I emptied last night's wee pot, rinsed it and sprayed it and everything else I'd touched with anti-virus spray !
Heh and what ARE the 0.01% of bacteria and viruses it can't kill and where are they lurking ?
The wee pot ?
Oh, well, that's what I now have to use in 'MY' bedroom instead of going to the bathroom at night because even walking totally silently wakes Shirley who has finally hit a 'negative' sleep pattern after year upon year of telling me, "Well that was THE worst night's sleep yet !"
Although whenever I'm awake at night all I hear is evidence that she is soundly asleep !
So what gave it to me....what brought about that feeling in the abdomen that everyone knows ?
The chicken pies cooked and eaten in a rush before Hugo arrived ?
The slightly wet and only warmed through scampi ?
The overwhelming fumes from the block paving sealant I'd spent two days using !
Not to find myself in a position of never getting fed again I'll go with the fumes !
Saturday 12 May 2018
SALLY...Part 199. I CAN ONLY DO WRONG !
I AM NOT PUBLISHING ANY PHOTOS OF THE DAMAGED PART...I'm just making that clear from the start to avoid any disappointment later on !
There was a fearful thump, a scream and silence for a second two nights ago when Shirley stepped into the buttoned up quilt cover that was draped too near the floor and tripped herself so suddenly that she didn't get the chance to thrust out a hand to save herself and crashed down onto the sharp corner of the central heating radiator at the end of our bed !
By the time I had slowly looked up, closed my book, stood up, brushed the crumbs off my lap onto the floor, checked my hair in the mirror, been to the toilet and got to her the pain was roaring through her body and there was nothing I could do to help except to be there...which she has never liked so I went away though alert to her needs as and when they arose !
I was told NOT to phone for an ambulance or stand staring as only time would sort things out so I did nothing !
At six the next morning I was woken by the sound of her setting out the very heavy patio table and chairs after turning them it over from their winter position which would have strained MY back but made no comment when I staggered through, bleary eyed and exhausted from lying worrying about her all night to find her bent over scraping the orange jelly mould off the aging veranda timbers !
The extensive bruising over the surface of her extremely ample boob which took the greater part of the force and probably prevented her ribs breaking was clearly apparent when I was eventually allowed to see it, the first time in forty five years that I have ever seen any part of her body naked and it coloured up concerningly during yesterday, her breathing became very painful and coughing was agony but still I daren't suggest she saw a medic !
I offered to cook lunch and dinner but was prevented from doing so by the words, "I wouldn't eat ANYTHING you cooked if I was dying !",so fed myself and sat watching her starve !
This all came to a head last night when as she was going to bed she came through to me and said, "Is this what you call washing up ?" as she thrust an unwashed up teaspoon under my nose, "It was in with the washing up to the left of the sink !"
"The washing up", I replied, "as you know is and has always been to the right of the sink on the draining board and that spoon was in my unwashed up apple strudle and cream dish to the left !"
"Well why ISN'T it washed up?"
So I went through my getting up ritual again and turned the hot tap on and waited for the hot water to come through, using those few seconds to squeee an invisibly small amount of washing up liquid into the dish.
"FAR TOO MUCH washing up liquid !" she growled, "No wonder half the bottle's gone today and you don't need hot water, tepid will do !"
"What, for cream ?" I asked timorously !
"YES, for cream and watch you don't splash water onto the back of the sink or if you do wipe it up and make sure you've wiped the work surface or the ants will be all over it eating the sugar you're bound to have spilled !"
I did what I could as well as I could, knowing that I would be brought a streaked dish and spoon the next morning and told to leave everything to her in the future....which I happily will !
The truth is that until yesterday when I HAD to do it I NEVER did do the washing up or the cooking or the tidying as I ALWAYS did them wrong !
ALWAYS !
And I'm left wondering whether I am the only useless man on Earth ?
There was a fearful thump, a scream and silence for a second two nights ago when Shirley stepped into the buttoned up quilt cover that was draped too near the floor and tripped herself so suddenly that she didn't get the chance to thrust out a hand to save herself and crashed down onto the sharp corner of the central heating radiator at the end of our bed !
By the time I had slowly looked up, closed my book, stood up, brushed the crumbs off my lap onto the floor, checked my hair in the mirror, been to the toilet and got to her the pain was roaring through her body and there was nothing I could do to help except to be there...which she has never liked so I went away though alert to her needs as and when they arose !
I was told NOT to phone for an ambulance or stand staring as only time would sort things out so I did nothing !
At six the next morning I was woken by the sound of her setting out the very heavy patio table and chairs after turning them it over from their winter position which would have strained MY back but made no comment when I staggered through, bleary eyed and exhausted from lying worrying about her all night to find her bent over scraping the orange jelly mould off the aging veranda timbers !
The extensive bruising over the surface of her extremely ample boob which took the greater part of the force and probably prevented her ribs breaking was clearly apparent when I was eventually allowed to see it, the first time in forty five years that I have ever seen any part of her body naked and it coloured up concerningly during yesterday, her breathing became very painful and coughing was agony but still I daren't suggest she saw a medic !
I offered to cook lunch and dinner but was prevented from doing so by the words, "I wouldn't eat ANYTHING you cooked if I was dying !",so fed myself and sat watching her starve !
This all came to a head last night when as she was going to bed she came through to me and said, "Is this what you call washing up ?" as she thrust an unwashed up teaspoon under my nose, "It was in with the washing up to the left of the sink !"
"The washing up", I replied, "as you know is and has always been to the right of the sink on the draining board and that spoon was in my unwashed up apple strudle and cream dish to the left !"
"Well why ISN'T it washed up?"
So I went through my getting up ritual again and turned the hot tap on and waited for the hot water to come through, using those few seconds to squeee an invisibly small amount of washing up liquid into the dish.
"FAR TOO MUCH washing up liquid !" she growled, "No wonder half the bottle's gone today and you don't need hot water, tepid will do !"
"What, for cream ?" I asked timorously !
"YES, for cream and watch you don't splash water onto the back of the sink or if you do wipe it up and make sure you've wiped the work surface or the ants will be all over it eating the sugar you're bound to have spilled !"
I did what I could as well as I could, knowing that I would be brought a streaked dish and spoon the next morning and told to leave everything to her in the future....which I happily will !
The truth is that until yesterday when I HAD to do it I NEVER did do the washing up or the cooking or the tidying as I ALWAYS did them wrong !
ALWAYS !
And I'm left wondering whether I am the only useless man on Earth ?
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