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| ACTUALLY, WHY SPOIL THINGS ? JUST STRIP US MENTALLY WHILST READING THE FOLLOWING STORY ! |
When I went up to bed last night I quickly became aware of one of those HUGE lazy black flies which flew into Shirley's large round paper lantern which has hung a little dustily from the ceiling rose for the last twenty years so I hatched a cunning plan !
I climbed, wearing my outdoor shoes, onto her pristine bed and carefully eased the wire from behind those nasty sharp wire things that hold it and slid back onto the floor and towards the window to shake it out...but forgot that to open the window I would first have to open the very stiff, very old secondary glazing that I bought second hand very cheaply and fitted myself thirty years ago !
So using ALL my strength on the almost immovable sliding part I moved it aside only to be faced with a LOCKED main window which I'd fitted with one of those almost useless locks that any burglar could get through in ten seconds and into which you insert a key to unwind it but I did it, opened the window and held the lampshade outside and felt the wind from not only the fly's wings as it flew back into the house but also the wind from a Daddy Long Legs and a moth which seized the opportunity to get in to investigate our very old mercury filled long life light bulb Asda sold us for 10p fifteen years ago because we were brainwashed into doing our bit for energy conservation and which gives out a depressingly low level of light !
I still thought it a good idea to give the lampshade a shake to get rid of the dust and watched in horror as great clouds of it came away for a good five minutes and the paper disintegrated before my eyes, leaving me holding the metal bit hanging on by a thread !
Having said goodnight to my wife who was still downstairs I called out as I descended the stairs to warn her I was returning because she HATES me returning once I have said goodnight and left the room....no I don't know why either !
I explained the problem but lied about the fly being gone and went through to my room to sellotape the totally wrecked shade with slightly less than an entire roll of Poundland's worst ever tape !
Twenty minutes later I retraced my steps, passing my wife who was delaying going to bed because she knew she wouldn't be able to sleep for more than an hour and twenty minutes once she went as her waking hours are now approaching twenty two hours, not counting the many naps she has during the day !
The fly was nowhere to be seen and I prayed it had left of it's own accord and went to my bed to read before nodding off for my customary nine hours !
Shirley must have come up at some point because I was awakened by the scream of death and leapt naked to save her !
She too was naked....in the bathroom and pointing hysterically at the blackened window where the fly apparently was but which I couldn't see because I'm rubbish at seeing black things against black things !
"It's THERE you idiot !" she screamed, quivering behind me and pointing as far as I couldn't see, at nothing !
"Turn the light off or it'll see us !"
I briefly wondered if she was worried that a large and lazy black fly might vomit at the sight of two naked seventy year olds looking for him with the light off !
I was too tired to argue or try to fathom out that bit of logic !
"KILL IT, you useless man, it's THERE !", pointing somewhere else ! "No THERE !", pointing somewhere else again !
I soon became disoriented as her screams, the fly's non-appearance and exhaustion started to overwhelm me !
"Can you just get out of here and let me do what a man has to do Shirley ?" I pleaded !
"No because you're blind and deaf and nothing without me...THERE IT IS ! KKKIIILLLLLL IIIITTT !!!!"
And finally I smote it a stunning flick with my personal towel and it lay dazed between the grandchildren's toothbrushes !
"Grab it ! Squash it ! KILL IT !" she cried out again and I did so in six pieces of toilet paper as I don't like the sound or feel of popping flies and went to throw the carcass out of the window !
"NNNNOOOO ! Do not open the window you idiot, you'll let them all in ! Put it down the toilet !"
So I did and flushed but the thing's body remained floating on the water until I'd flushed it again !
I staggered to my bed and as I lay there heard Shirley flushing the toilet three more times which she'll note when she checks the water usage on the water meter shortly !
And then this morning I noticed the Daddy Long Legs lying drowned in the bathroom sink beside Shirley's flannel and chose not to mention it to her after I'd thrown it out !
