SALLY...PART 227 ! SHIRLEY CALLED OUT, "DON'T FORGET, NO UNSOCIAL DISTANCING !"

"AND HE'S ON HOW MANY TABLETS ?" A FRIEND AND MY WIFE HAVING A GOOD LAUGH AT MY EXPENSE !

Although I'm still working flattish out there's no question that I have put on weight just under my chest and above my hips !

I don't yet have what even polite people call a 'gunt', a term not too hard to work out and Joe Wicks has been of no use whatsoever in preventing its appearance so I have taken matters into my own hands by cycling at least a mile a day and doing so slowly so as not to tire myself out !

Today I went to the chemist to get my stuff and I'm pretty sure it's that stuff given to me to keep me alive that is killing me...statins being the latest...even the former head of heart surgery and a pioneer in transplants with whom I played golf refused to take them !

As I set off I heard the familiar sound of the front patio doors squawking open and knew that more instructions were about to be given !

"NO unsocial distancing and don't go in if anyone else is in as I need you to carry on earning !" is what I might have heard if I had listened but as I didn't I'm only guessing !

I cycled along my road which had no cars in it or people on the pavement, cut through to the tarmac paths that lead across the playing fields, seeing no-one, cut through to the next main road which was deserted, shot up to the shop which had no-one outside or in it, padlocked my old unattractive, relunctantly donated small man's bike to the same fence from which Shirley had had her beautiful gold unpadlocked ladies bicycle stolen from on the morning of 9/11 and carefully looked around me, noting that there wasn't a soul to be seen !

I entered the shop where a terrified looking assistant came forward with my bag and demanded my postcode from behind several clear plastic face shields, and several yards behind a huge plastic shield fitted around the counter and which oddly finished halfway across the shop thereby negating any protective purpose it might have served !

She dropped my order onto the counter and ran back to her solitary work station, a tiny cramped place where SIX assistants normally stand shoulder to shoulder ALL day long and shouted, "NOW GET OUT ! SHOO ! QUICKLY !"

I sauntered to the door wearing a casual sneer, exited, saw no-one, mounted my steed, rode the entire way home without seeing another human and found my wife, startled by my speedy return, wiping the remains of her daily red onion and cheese on toast off her almost non existent lips which both she and I have found to be THE perfect foodstuff for guaranteeing social distancing betwen us !

"GOOD GOD you were quick ! Did you stay socially undistanced ?"

"It's socially DIStanced and yes I did and there wasn't even a dog walker out !"

"Get the Scrabble out then...it's time for your thrashing !"

And she won for the seventh out of the last eight times !

SALLY...PART 226 ! DANIEL THE TEN YEAR OLD ARACHNOPHOBE, TECHNICALLY, NEVER SHUTS UP !

HEADBUTTA AGED THREE AND WHO NOW AGED TEN HASN'T 'ACCIDENTALLY' HEADBUTTED ANYONE AT SCHOOL FOR MONTHS, ONLY BECAUSE SCHOOL'S SHUT !

You have to go into a yogic state of mind if you are to survive a session with Daniel, 10, who technically (his favourite word apart from 'yeh ?' when he's describing something, ANYTHING, to whoever will listen to him !) never shuts up so I took a deep breath before opening his front door to collect him for a bike ride yesterday afternoon !

HIS LOVE OF PEPPERAMI STARTED EARLY !

I DID NOT go in because of this STUPID virus thing and simply called out his name, "Daniel, are you coming for a bike ride ? Daniel ! DANIEL ! DDAANNIIEELL !"

"I'm just getting dressed !" he called from a long way away.

"It's FOUR O'CLOCK, why aren't you dressed ?"

"I've been doing my homework !"

Now if one good thing has emerged from the schools being shut it's the fact that Daniel's HUGE brain has not been getting him into detention and he hasn't 'accidentally' headbutted any other child for several months now and instead has produced work of a remarkably HIGH standard on his own !

He appeared in his porch with an UPTURNED pint glass and a bit of scrunched up paper.

"What's that for Daniel ?"

"There's a spider under my trainer and I'm an arachnophobe !" he said, pushing the shoe with one foot outstretched, at which a REALLY fast small spider ran straight back under it !

He simply couldn't coordinate his brain, his foot and his two hands to catch the thing so I said, "Put the paper down as it's no use to man or beast, get your glass down near the trainer and as you move it quickly trap the spider under it." which he did easily and then carefully slid a card under it and carried the creature safely outside to a bush where he triumphantly released it having told me he was an arachnophobe a hundred times during the operation !

I BET HE COULDN'T HAVE DEALT WITH THE ONE IN MY GARAGE !

He then led me two miles to the beach, talking the whole time about cat based simulated war games, not stopping to take a breath as he leapt off sand dunes, smashed rocks and didn't seem bothered by the fact that I repeatedly fell asleep whilst doing my best to follow his detailed descriptions !

I seem to remember that the cats were naked and the female ones held their spears over their 'centreealised parts' !

DANIEL TALKING NON STOP AT THE SAME AS LEAPING !

He wouldn't eat a Jaffa Cake or packet of crisps I'd taken for a picnic and he wouldn't accept my money to go into a shop on the way to get some sweets because he's determined to cut his body fat down from 6%, or perhaps not let it rise above it, and he wants to get his stomach muscles 'ripped' although he had eaten three bread sticks and two pepperami for lunch !

"That's not a proper lunch Daniel !"

"Well normally I cook myself an omelette but I was too busy and forgot !"

He was probably painting yet more of the hundred War Hammer models he's made !

TALKED TO DEATH AND DEFEATED BY THE FIVE YEAR OLD CHESS MASTER WHO REFUSED TO USE A BOARD !

He's TEN for God's sake and I really want to be around to see what he becomes, perhaps a politician as he already resembles one of my least liked Ministers, Michael Gove !

NOTHING IS BEYOND THIS BOY AS YOU CAN SEE FROM THIS MODEL OF THE EIFFEL TOWER WHICH HE BUILT AND WIRED UP WITHOUT ANY HELP !

SALLY...PART 225. SHIRLEY'S FALLEN OFF HER BIKE AGAIN !

It's only two years since her last fall and that one was caused by her trying to ride over soaking wet, slippery as ice railway tracks set into the cobbles at the harbour over a hundred years ago !

I wasn't there as I'd had to get back for some reason that now totally escapes me but when she got home, battered and bruised she said it was so instant that she hadn't even been able to put out a hand and went straight down onto one side leading to months of pain and even a visit to the doctors after about six weeks !

Fortunately her injuries did not prevent her from cooking my dinners otherwise I'd have starved to death by now !

Apparently two men stood nearby saw the whole thing and DIDN'T even help her up or ask her if she was alright which was SO kind of them !

So last night as we idled home from the beach along a sixfoot wide tarmac path with me in my customary Prince Philip position just behind her and unable to understand a word she was muttering between her clamped jaws....and I don't need to be behind her on a bike not to understand what she mutters to me between her clamped jaws....I was suddenly aware that her front wheel had fallen off the path and leapt down a quarter of an inch cliff onto the grass and as if in slow motion this was followed by the slowest crash you have ever seen as first one leg went out to rebalance her and then the other, with the bike twisting beneath her throwing her off to the left, that is back onto the path where she landed on her hands, one knee and then sort of gently onto her right cheek as gravity and momentum took over !

I leapt off my steed and was at her side before all her body parts had stopped rebounding against one another, reminding me of a wave breaking against a sea wall !

I got her up and sat her back on her saddle after checking that there were no bones sticking out of anywhere and off we went with her saying, "I must have stopped concentrating for a second there when I was telling you something and anyway it's not stiff enough !"

"What isn't ?"

""My handlebars or the wheel or something ! My old bike that was stolen from outside the Co-op on the day of  9/11 was much stiffer !"

"I'll have a look tomorrow !"

"Don't bother ! I'm never riding a bike again !"

"But what if we go out and buy you a new one tomorrow when all the non-essential shops reopen after the lockdown !"

"No we won't because I'm never going into a shop again !"

"Why not ?"

"Because I NEVER go shopping because I always send you with your little lists and your trolley and haven't been in one for twenty years and I'm not starting again now just to catch the virus !"

"The virus has gone !"

"Oh, you're an expert now are you ?"

"No but I just know...you'll see !"

"You're an idiot !"

"There is that !" I said, wondering how bonkers she would go if I turned up with a new bike for her...and a helmet !