SALLY...PART 223. THERE ARE NONE SO BLIND........

I had to return to my Dispensing Optician today to ask him why my left eye is off a bit and he demonstrated to me that with one lens fine and one with a little cataract building up they could only make one eye perfect whilst the other remained a little hazy at long distances !

"It's all to do with the cataract not allowing an image to focus on the retina !" he said, illustrating his words with a similar drawing to mine.

The clear lens at the top allows the image to focus onto the retina whereas the cataract in the lower sketch won't allow a sharp image to focus on the retina but just in front of it ! My readings of 66 and 675 mean NOTHING to me !

Anyway I showed this sketch to my wife this evening once I'd got her to briefly look up from the latest ScandiNoir !

"Are you saying that the pupil is a hole ?" she asked, with her eyes on her screen !

Shirley didn't know that the pupil was a hole that light rays passed through !

 "Yes !" I replied incredulously.
 
"I never knew that !"

"You never knew that the pupil was a hole that light passed through ?"

"No."

"Well how did you think that light got through to your retina ?"

"I don't know, I've never thought about it !"

I am now back in my room and it occured to me that when we first met I pointed romantically at the full moon as we lay on Brighton beach listening to waves breaking on the shore and said, "I think he's smiling down on us tonight !"

"There's a man in the moon looking at us ?" my then girlfriend asked !

"Who's looking down at us ?" she said, sitting up and destroying the atmosphere I'd spent at least a minute building up !

"The man in the moon !" I murmured, urging her to return to a more comfortable prone position !

"There's a man in the moon looking at US ?" she asked, refusing to lie back down !

"Of course there's a man in the moon, look, there he is !"

"Well I've never seen HIM before !" she said after putting on her glasses which I didn't know she needed !

I could have walked away but I had other things on my mind !

My wife continued to watch her programme and I went back to sewing THIRTY SEVEN wallets !

SALLY...PART 222 ! COOKING MY OWN BREAKFAST !

Waiting for an untrackable parcel of zips is a pain as my doorbell is INSIDE my porch so no one knows it's there and Shirley can't STAND having to keep an eye and ear open for a man who doesn't realise that our doorbell is hidden so I had to cook my own breakfast today and how hard can that be ?

Ignoring all dictated recommendations I poured FAR too much oil into the smallest frying pan, heated it up FAR too high and then threw three frozen thick Richmond sausages into it without first pricking them which of course is impossible to do when they are as hard as iron !

Amazing how far boiling oil can travel isn't it ?

I then opened the window and fanned furiously to get the worst of the smoke out and reached for four tomatoes which I couldn't be bothered to slice and threw THEM in with the sausages too !

Amazing the force an unsliced tomato thrown into a mixture of boiling oil and sausage fat can explode with isn't it ?

I then used wet tea towels to seal the gaps in the door that divided the kithchen from the lounge where my wife's now muffled shouts were coming from !

I next carefully opened the tin of baked beans that we had been hoarding for when Coronavirus strikes and found that had I read the label I would have seen that sausages were a part of the contents so I carefully spooned them out into a dish and covered them with a few spare beans, covered the whole lot with a tea plate and put it in the fridge ready for a snack later and microwaved just a portion of beans for FAR too long in a dish without a lid on it and as quietly as possible wiped out the inside surfaces of the machine whilst whistling loudly enough to disguise what I was doing!

Unfortunately if there's ONE thing that Shirley can't stand it's me whistling and her demand for me to cease did NOT sound very muffled !

Now anyone can fry an egg can't they ? Yes of course they can and mine was PERFECT because I'm not stupid !

Nor did I burn the two slices of toast THAT badly before joining Shirley in the lounge to eat whilst she continued to stare out of the window cursing any vehicle that drove into our road that wasn't 'our' delivery van !

In my man's mind I'm a good washer upper and even did the dry fryer or whatever it's called that Shirley had left in the sink unwashed because her thumbs, behind her knees and somewhere else I'd rather not mention and she doesn't want me to mention hurt !

Some time later I heard any number of tuts and got called back into the kitchen to be shown dried egg on my plate and dried fish on the dry fryer and told not to bother washing up ever again unless I could change my ways and do it as well as a woman can !

Some time later, 12:45 to be precise, when hunger drove Shirley into the kitchen to chop yet MORE onions to pile onto her cheese on toast that she had to eat as I was still too full to share a frozen curry she heard a faint banging on the door which turned out to be my zips which were about to be taken back to the depot for a second time because the man couldn't get a response from us or any of the neighbours !

I scrawled something on his phone screen that couldn't be used in a court of law to identify me as the recipient and we both sank onto the settee, exhausted by the day's tension !

That's me and my wife not me and the delivery driver !

SALLY...PART 221...1917..WHEN SOMETHING IS THAT BAD LISTEN TO ME...DON'T GO OK ?

I went on my own to see the critically acclaimed film 1917 this afternoon !

Shirley didn't want to go and although she suggest I waited until I could take Dylan, 14. I told her that there was no way I could relax and enjoy a serious film with him eating beside me for two hours solid because that is what he does at the cinema !

Actually everyone seems to these days and I suppose they have to if they are to maintain their morbid obesities !

I instantly sensed amateurism, that is within one minute and hated every following stupid CGI moment in it...so DON'T GO...OK ?

Bombs do NOT land and explode two feet behind, beside or in front of you and leave you running, they blow you to pieces and aeroplanes do not crash at your feet and leave you to go the well for a helmetful of water !

You do NOT jump into a river in full spate, get carried hundreds of yards downstream, come up for air for the fifieth time and three quarters dead go over a two hundred foot waterfall flowing at a similar rate to Niagara Falls in full spate, come up again and swim leisurely to the riverbank before climbing over a hundred rotting corpses and start running again after joining in a particularly annoying hymn about someone's MOTHER whilst your heavy twill uniform miraculously dries out...DO YOU ?

That might very well be my last visit to the flicks !

SALLY...Part 220. THE INVISIBLE MAN !

A SUPERFAN turned up today and was in the early throes of worshipping me when my wife walked into my room and started chatting to her and LIKE MAGIC, I became invisible !

It's not the first time this has happened as whenever more than one woman gathers around me I disappear !

It's not only women that have this effect as whenever my family visit I also could be non-existent !

My daughter and her mother totally talk right through me even when I have a valid point to make though neither of them obviously thinks so and my daughter always seems particularly keen to point out why no-one WANTS to listen to me !

The other day I ended up jumping up and down and screaming at them to shut up and listen to what I had to say, as I was a human with his own mind and opinions...but they simply carried on talking to each other...as if I was dead and didn't exist...actually simply as if I didn't exist and had never existed !

My sons also consider my views an irrelevance as does the entire rest of the world...but back to women !

I watch groups of them, especially Hen Parties, all talking and laughing at the same time walking towards my stall and try and spot which one is actually listening to any of the others or if it's only two which one can stop talking for long enough to hear what her friend is saying and I never succeed !

ARE any of you listening ?

Oh and my grandchildren don't even hear me speak unless I'm asking them if they want some sweets !

I generally get all this out of my system by going to market and talking about myself ALL day without caring whether anyone is listening or not which they're not...it's GREAT therapy and has so far kept me away from standing on street corners waving my fist and shouting at passing traffic !

Unfortunately I decided not to go to market today as the weather forecast was bad and this has led to a backwash of tension that is NOT good and whilst I was busy changing Shirley's bike's rear wheel inner tube hoping to somehow get into her good books and what a fool I am to even try, I heard the familiar COMMAND reverberating through three walls, "GET THAT BLOG OFF or at least change the bit about people you KNOW you can't insult ! What were you thinking of ? "

So I've removed that bit !

"And why is the butter out and not put away ?"

"Because it's empty, scraped clean to within an nanomillimetre of its life !"

"Not in my book it's not !"

Ah is that the rain approaching ?

I bloody well hope so !

SALLY...PART 219 ! MAN WASHES UP TEASPOON !

I mostly do NOTHING in my kitchen apart from making a mug of coffee because A) I have a relentless work schedule in my next door workshop and B) Shirley or my children could never STAND to eat anything I ever tried to cook and C) I use every implement in the place just to boil an egg and D) I use too much hot water to wash up and then don't stand the cutlery the right way up or the plates leaning the right way so I stay out !

HOWEVER, this morning I had to go and pick up Daniel who I'd been told knew how to turn his dishwasher on but dishwashers irritate me as I think that they make naturally lazy people even lazier !

Even Daniel at ten has no patience with me but DID show me how to place the soap in the slot and pour some rinsing aid into its pot !

He's clever but I still washed up my coffee mug and teaspoon in his sink as I'm pretty sure he would have criticised me if I hadn't !

I LIKE washing up and rinsing things PROPERLY and it's the same with ironing...I ENJOY it...and I enjoy HOOVERING, especially the EDGES !

I wouldn't even mind using a mangle which has no place in a modern home and which I remember watching my frazzled mother use, Sally of the Blog title, struggling to turn the handle as she wrecked her five sons' clothes in it !

I don't mind cleaning the toilet or the tiles or the mould that regularly reappears on the bathroom grouting, for which I keep an old toothbrush at the extreme left hand edge of the bathroom windowsill and it is a toothbrush that led to a bit of tension early this morning !

My own toothbrush sits on its own just to the right of the mould removal toothbrush and Shirley used MINE to clean around the base of the taps which is MY job !

I didn't mean to grab it out of her hand quite so aggressively and pointlessly as I wouldn't be using it again and this resulted in some quite beastly name calling and general tantrums as my explanation of which is the cleaning toothbrush didn't sink in and wasn't helped by the fact that there were two other old toothbrushes in the cleaning toothbrushes position !

I had NO proper answer to her questions of why I hadn't thrown the other two out and why I hadn't cleaned around the bottom of the taps in the first place which would have saved her having to do a job which wasn't hers to do !

She then threw 'Michael' back in my face and told me to get back to him before my life turned bleak once I'd been off Facebook for over five minutes !

She went back to bed because she now only sleeps for a minute and a half most nights, including getting up for three if not four wees during that time and I slyly went and cooked myself an eggy bread which I only burnt on one side !

Just as I had finished eating and gathered the twenty items I'd used to take to the sink Shirley reappeared, more irritable with me than ever because the noise of the spatula being placed quietly on the glued together cooking implement dish had woken her up and ordered me to get out as she couldn't bear to see the mess I'd make or pull out the settee and insert the bent handle to pull open the meter cupboard door to check the electric meter to see how much  electricity I'd use boiling three kettles for the washing up !

So now things have calmed down and I can get back to work before being summoned through for my daily thrashing at Scrabble !

SALLY...Part 218. THE BLOODY HUNT REVISITED ! https://davidnashleather.blogspot.com/2012/02/interludethats-all-i-need-bloody-hunt.html

THE SIGN MIGHT HAVE BEEN ALTERED SLIGHTLY BUT THE POSE IS GENUINE AS WE WAITED FOR NO ONCOMING TRAFFIC TO PASS AND THE LIGHTS TO CHANGE !

It's years since Shirley was terrified by the sound of The Hunt hurtling along the lane we were walking up back to the town on Lindisfarne and although The Hunt turned out to be a crowing cockerel and a yappy Jack Russell she was nervous as we set out on a freezing walk around the castle and back up a different lane !

BLINDING LIGHT AND A CRUEL WIND !

She wanted to walk even further, like a couple more miles but I went all brave and God knows where I dug that out of and insisted on a shortcut !

ALREADY QUITE SOME WAY AHEAD OF ME !

She's ALWAYS walked further than necessary or than is sensible for someone who generally doesn't do much long distance walking or anything else very physical as a rule and I dread things once I see her reading from her list of requirements and watch in horror as she gathers enough stuff to last a month in the Antarctic which I'm going to have to carry in an SAS sized rucksack as I plod wearily after her as she strides along in her Brasher boots whilst I struggle after her dressed in cheap unwaterproofed trainers through which I can feel every tiny pebble !

THE RECEPTION COMMITTEE LINED UP READY TO WELCOME THE FISHERMAN HOME !

As the gap between us grows longer and her demands fade thankfully into thin air I find myself staring at her quite short legs and wonder how she does it...she actually, at five feet, walks faster than I can at six feet !

I was skirting a beach when the unbelieveable happened, a REAL hunting horn blared out and I, normally calm, jumped out of my skin and ran forwards to catch my wife before she fainted clean away but she didn't appear terror struck because she realised that the blast was actually her incoming message alert tone on her ancient Iphone 4 which she had stuffed into my chest pocket !

I BELIEVE HE FELT LIKE ME !

It didn't help that I was wearing ear muffs and a thick woollen hat pulled right down to my eyebrows which made it impossible for me to place the sound accurately and also made it impossible for any passing woman to EVER fancy me ! Actually, wearing long white woollen gloves under my ski gloves and which stuck out creating a particularly uncool look also ensured no passing woman would fancy me, as did my second hand Wrangler jeans that have a waist band that continually slips down my backside adding to my overall look of something even a dog wouldn't drag in !

NO WIND ? WELL WHAT'S THAT THEN.....WITH BAMBURGH CASTLE IN THE BACKGROUND !

I bravely refused to sit on a damp beach whilst she reapplied her anti thigh rub gel and turned for home down a lane that lay under several feet of mud and puddles and slopped my way back to the Mead shop where I discovered that 'Dark' Mead is delicious and added several bottles to the rucksack that had rubbed great welts into my shoulders and staggered back to the car and watched in horror as my wife, now running with sweat in the -1*C, to her, heatwave and that I was shivering in, reached for the atlas, intent on finding somewhere else to go !

YES, I HAD TO PLODGE THROUGH THIS IN CHEAP THIN UNWATERPROOFED TRAINERS WHILST MY WIFE MARCHED CONFIDENTLY AND DRILY ALONG IN HER BRASHER BOOTS !

I'M REALLY HAPPY JUST TO LOOK AT LINDIFARNE FROM MY CAFE TABLE IN 'THE BARN AT BEAL' !

SALLY..PART 217. A FIRST TIME FOR EVERYTHING

24 PENCILS THREADED THROUGH THE 96 SLOTS I CUT INDIVIDUALLY !

I kind of have to write this one in honour of an anonymous American woman who did something VERY special today at market !

She bought this pencil roll and they're not cheap and disappeared with it. Less than an hour later she returned, holding it out to me and I assumed she didn't want it or wanted to change it for another colour and asked her if she wanted her money back.

She said "No, I want you to take it back and give it to someone of your choosing free of charge !" and off she went...just like that !

Well I waited for some single child to give it too but none came along and I eventually chose an Indonesian student who had spent about twenty minutes going through my stock of sixty designs before choosing a few to buy.

She didn't really seem to believe my story...and who would...but was delighted to accept the gift !

As I ask all students what they are studying it turned out by pure coincidence that she was one of my son's Law Students so hopefully he'll get to hear about his father's generosity except of course it wasn't mine at all !

Is this an American 'thing' or was the woman just one in a billion I wonder !

A WONDERFUL GESTURE IF YOU EVER GET TO READ THIS YOUNG LADY !

SALLY...Part 216. DESCENDING INTO HIDEOUSNESS !

Taken a few weeks ago !

Sometimes, well occasionally over the last forty five years and always without meaning to, I say the wrong thing to my wife, thinking that she is bound to agree with me and today was no exception !

She had remarked on something to do with her face as seen on a recent photograph, perhaps the way her chin looked double or the wrinkles around her mouth and the bags under her eyes made her look like a woman far older than she really is !

I have issues of my own too like how shrivelled I now look, how people treat me as if I'm invisible, unimportant and stupid and so I responded with what I considered to be empathy, stupidly seeking a longed for approval which is something rarer than hens teeth in my life...."Yes I know !" I said, "It's all part of our descent into hideousness isn't it ?"

The journey we were on then continued in silence and I now really wish those words had stayed unsaid as I'm having to cook for myself for some reason I simply don't understand and the atmosphere has turned decidedly frosty !

What did I say ? What did I say ?

SALLY...PART 215. HOW CAN ANYONE BE THIS TECHNOLOGICALLY INCOMPETENT !

PRETENDING I OWNED MORE THAN A TEN POUND PIECE OF USELESSNESS FROM ARGOS !

A son gave me his old IPhone 4 with 3G and said I could use it when away to Hot Spot my WiFi Data from my phone to my laptop or something like that !

Now everyone knows that I DO have a phone, a PAY AS YOU GO one with very little or NO credit on or battery charge in it somewhere which I NEVER use and which cost £10 from Argos and is there for me to call for help from should I die so handing me the equivalent of Nuclear Power Staion with NO instructions as to how to operate it was bound to cause problems !

Utterly, UTTERLY flummoxed I managed to phone the Vodaphone helpline and after only a dozen or so options managed to get through to a humAn in a far off land who I simply couldn't understand because each of the people I spoke to spoke English with the wrong inflections and emphasis and although I had somehow managed to put things on speakerphone I simply didn't know what to swipe up or down or sideways or click on !

The first bloke even called me JENNIFER after asking for my full name which is Jonathan and I don't think that they will have recorded my enquiry for training purposes as much as for a good laugh !

"Look !" I shouted after half an hour of profuse sweating and the use of swear words I never knew I knew, "I just want to be able to use my laptop so what must I do to connect my phone to it ?"

"I am juzz doin tings at dizz end Meester Jennifer and den ahmer goin ta ring hoff and den awhill fone you back in teen minits hokay to zees eef da problem his goin daway hokay ?"

I screamed something else unrepeatable and slammed the receiver down or would have had it been a real phone, a proper one...with a dial !

He phoned back an hour later and believe it or not I was in the bathroom which is where I have to go to get ANYONE to phone me back....the very moment I have taken up residence !

"Ellos Meester Jennifers, his dat do ? His heverytin workin now ?"

"NO !"

"HOKAY, I is tranfurrin you to dee teknikal department now Meester Jennifers !" and off he went leaving me staring at the horrible thing in my hand !

Eventually...EVENTUALLY....after I had topped up my balance from £1:56 to £6:66 I got on and took a look at a very few things when my phone pinged and a message said 'You have now used up 493 MBs of you 500MBs daily allowance'

WHAT ? WHAT ? I hadn't been on more than a blink so I phoned them back and got told tht 500MBs was NOTHING so I gave up and wept and wept as I haven't wept since I was about five !

SALLY...PART 214. AND FINALLY AFTER TWENTY YEARS THE 'LANZAROTE' VISOR IS NO MORE !

JUST A GLIMPSE OF SUN IN THE TOP LAKE !

Is it me or is it still winter ?

Even Shirley's wrapped in a blanket as she lays controlling the world from her Ipad...but wait, was that a glimmer of sunshine on one of the several weather charts she'd consulted before deciding whether we would go to Cragside for a restricted walk around at 2pm ?

I am inundated with orders for money pockets from the hundreds of Showmen who refuse to buy from anyone else and insist on mine so I don't care if we don't go...ANYWHERE...but somehow manage to show enthusiasm for the six hour round trip !

As I toiled away I heard the nut mix being poured into the Chinese takeaway container and could smell the rousing stench of eggs being boiled ready for the sandwiches that I would be genuinely grateful for as I collapsed with exhaustion whilst struggling to keep up with her as she route marched me for mile upon mile carrying an even heavier rucksack than usual !

My swollen ankles and calves, breathlessness and general exhaustion don't seem to bother her as much as they bother me as she piles even more stuff that she won't need into her ex SAS rucksack !

"Drive round first and park up at the car parks I point out !" she barked, Captain Mainwaring like !

It's a six mile single track circuit with 15MPH signs every few yards and there were no overtaking areas at all as we fell in irritably behind a dozen elderly drivers doing just under the 15 !

"Right pull in here, I can't stand it any more !" she urged only 100 yards into the drive, "I'm starving and I've only had my cereal so far, unlike you who've had cereal AND toast !"

So I stopped, about two feet short apparently so had to start up again and inch forward until I was told to forget it and drive on to the next rest area where she ate and reluctantly handed me a half round whilst reaching for the bottle of water she had filled at home.

"Oh GOD, I forgot to pack the water and that's what comes of having too much to do and think about to make sure YOU'VE got YOUR food and forgetting about myself ! We'll just have to carry on to the car park with toilets and I'll have to find something for you to fill with water as I know you can't eat without having an attack ! Can't you just squeeze a drink out of this pear ?"

MY PORTAL TO OTHER WORLDS (and not the vagina my wife said it looked like !)

Some wives might have apologised at this point but I have grown to unexpect this !

We drove on and parked for the third time. I didn't mind as the walk we would have done without water was all uphill and completely unenjoyable but Shirley has places she HAS to visit, like OCD really ! She would have reached the bench about ten minutes before me and fallen immediately asleep AND woken up several times before I'd arrived and then as I'd collapsed beside her, jumped to her feet and demanded, "Right, let's go !"

"Do you not carry a bottle of water in here ?" she asked staring into a box that quite clearly DIDN'T have a bottle in it !

"Right, I'll empty the nutmix into this carrier bag...hold it...WIDER....now go and fill it after rinsing it out PROPERLY and HURRY UP, I want to get to the next car park before the old pegs take up all the spaces !

I SUSPOECTED AS MUCH BUT DIDN'T LIKE TO SAY !

I suspected that the water in such far flung places would be undrinkable but my thoughts on the matter were dismissed perfunctorily but guess what....I was RIGHT !

"Right drive on and we'll get a drink at the booth !"

WHICH WAS SHUT !

"Did you see me put the water in the rucksack !"

"I wasn't watching !" and I'm certainly not brave enough to question whether she had or not !

Finally after a short walk around the top lake we staggered into the cafe for a pot of tea for one, for two, a scone with cream and jam to share....which they'd run out of....and two cups and saucers, two knives and two serviettes and a hidden table in the corner to hide our meanness in !

But Shirley took pity on the washers up and made me return the knives and serviettes, two plates and one cup and saucer so we shared one cup or rather I got the occasional sip whilst she downed the rest because she can drink scalding hot liquids and I can't which is another of the several hundred traits I have which annoy her !

We eventually arrived home with our nerves shredded only to discover the bottle of water had fallen out of the rucksack and lay under the passenger seat.....undrunk....and I got on with the money pockets !

Just before we got home Shirley let out the sort of howl you only normally hear at 'foreign' funerals !

"What is it pet ?" I said Geordily, "Your haemerrhoids playing up again ?"

"NO ! It's my Lanzarote visor ! I've left it hanging on the back of the toilet door at the cafe and I'll be lost without it !"

"Do you want me turn around and drive the thirty miles back ?"

Shirley NEVER goes back...anywhere !

"No but why didn't you realise I wasn't carrying it when I came back to drink your tea ?"

The truth is that that visor had haunted my life for twenty years, ever since she'd bought it with it's embroidered LANZAROTE across its peak which she'd made me glue a patch over so that her middle class teacher friends and everyone else would never know that we'd once fallen so low as to take a holiday on that working class island in the Canaries !

It was kept, greying and worn at the edges with a streak of ingrained dirt around the headband up on the shelf above the passenger seat in the car and regularly fell off whackin her on the head whenever I accelerated at anything above walking pace !

Now all she has is her gold lamee 'PLAYBOY' one which makes her look even cheaper than the Lanzarote one...but I'd never tell her that....would I ?

SALLY...PART 213. LETTING THE YOUNG ONES EAT OUT ALONE !

My 'EATING OUT' advisor suggested that I didn't go to eat lunch tomorrow with my son and his cousin.

"Leave the young things to eat alone and talk about the subjects that young people talk about these days !" I was advisored !

My son is 45 and his cousin is 43 so what would these 'YOUNG THINGS' possibly have to talk about that was cheerful and wasn't at least on the same level of misery and forlorness as the miseries I would have taken along to bring their spirits down with ?

Anyway, I dare say I would have been expected to foot the bill as usual so that's something to cheer me up...a bit !

SALLY...PART 212. HOW ON EARTH AM I SUPPOSED TO REMEMBER THIS ?

I was just thinking the other morning, whilst cutting out another mountain of purses, about how tranquil married life had finally become after only forty six years when my adrenalin was sent skyrocketing around my body by the sound of a blood curdling scream and the clatter of a teaspoon being dropped onto a kitchen worktop !

"DAVID ! COME HERE !"

"I'M WAITING !"

So adopting my totally fed up look I trudged reluctantly through to where she stood towering below me and awaited....what, I couldn't imagine !

"There's a blob of wet coffee on the inside of the coffee jar because you keep putting a wet spoon into my used tea bag pot and then using it without drying it to make your next coffee and it has to STOP, so from now on I'm going to leave a dry spoon permanently in the coffee jar which you must replace into the jar before using my tea bag spoon to stir your coffee before putting it back into my used tea bag pot OK ?"

"What ?"

" I'm NOT repeating myself !"

I of course instantly forgot and what's more tore a tiny bit of the new Corn Flakes box lid when I opened it this morning although I DID manage to open the inner packet to her preferred width which allows one corn flake to exit it at a time !

I am now working away in my room awaiting the discovery of the tear !

"DAVID ! COME HERE...NOW !"

I guess she's found it !

SALLY...PART 211. I AM NOT GOING FOR A WALK AROUND WALLINGTON HALL !

"Right STOP working, it's 16*C and sunny, you've had a dish of Rice Krispies, I'll do you a box of nuts and make me a sandwich whilst you put the bikes in the Babe Magnet and we'll go and do the cycle path around Wallington Hall before I go mad going nowhere !"

You'll notice that my opinion was not sought !

"GLOVES ?" she spluttered contemptuously as she stared sneeringly at my attire !

"And  a scarf." I said timorously, more to myself than her !

She threw her rucksack overhand at me and the sheer weight of it carried it clean through my outstretched arms and straight into my face !

I daren't cry out for fear of being told to "MAN UP !"

In that rucksack along with her two litres of water, two pre-wet flannels, a spare pair of shoes, a large tube of anti thigh rub gel, two apples, three oranges, an extra large pomegranate, clear spectacles, her phone, her iPad, her sandwich and several boiled sweets for HER was a small box of mixed nuts for me...."Otherwise you'll just be whingeing on about being starving !"

We arrived in dull windy weather with the threat of rain hanging about us like an unwelcome house guest ! You get to an age when ALL house guests are unwelcome !

I untied and removed the bikes which hadn't moved one thousandth of a millimetre despite being forcefully told that they would fall over at every corner, heaved the rucksack onto my back and followed obediently through the endless gates that obstructed the route !

We headed into the dreariest weather imaginable, up slopes that defeated our lowest gears so that we both had to get off and push up dramatic inclines that even the men from The Ordnance Survey wouldn't have been able to detect !

I couldn't see a thing through my glasses because they were covered in a fine mist and couldn't see a thing without them on either as the cloud base was so low that the entire Wallington Estate had disappeared from view !

NOT MY IDEA OF A DAY OUT !

Now those who know my wife know that she doesn't do ANYTHING without checking at least a hundred weather forecasts from around the world before she's even taken her first breath each day so finding myself both hot and cold, exhausted and blind in the middle of I knew not where was not my idea of a day out !

It didn't help having a rubbishy old and heavy mountain bike, given reluctantly by a relative, with no mudguards, a worn out rear tyre and gears that I just can't make work properly but mine was state of the art compared to Shirley's 1960's three speed Sturmey Archer geared (she refuses to use them and cycles strongly in top gear with her fiercely independent Scottish legs) urban ladies example of an accident just waiting to happen which she rode in terror as the narrow, bald tyres had no grip whatsoever and the brakes made no difference as she hurtled down the hair raising slopes at speeds close to three and four miles per hour !

THIS WILL NEVER SEE ANOTHER HILLSIDE !

AND NEITHER WILL THIS !

It didn't help her confidence much either knowing that she had had a terrifying incident at the harbour three weeks before when she tried to ride over a wet railway line and had gone down in an instant heap of severely bruised flesh !

We didn't and I won't wear a helmet as ALL people who do look like utter twerps, especially men of my age and I would rather end up dead in hospital looking good !

We rode alone and didn't see a soul, except for a warden who warned Shirley in a gentle way that there was a road to be crossed in a half mile which required care but it turned out that it was little more than a farm track and he must have thought that we looked like a pair of escaped Care In The Community clients !

So an hour and two miles later we arrived back at the car shattered and starving !

"We'll just grab a mouthful and go for a walk down to Capability Brown's garden." Shirley said, again without referring to my wishes and I defiantly refused !

 "I am NOT going for a walk as I am done in !" I insisted, choking on a burnt almond !

"You ARE !" she retorted swallowing her ham sandwich in one bite, made with ham from a £1 packet of wafer thin chemically enhanced reconstituted meat product from Home Bargains !

"I AM NOT !" I yelled, choking on a burnt cashew !

"YOU ARE !"

"AND I'M TELLING YOU I'M NOT !" I yelled, choking on a walnut half !

So we went !

SALLY...PART 210. THE WRONG PATIENT !

"WHAT'S THAT ?" Shirley shouted, half leaping out of her skin, interrupting her tale of a noisy child running up and down a caravan somewhere we're not at at the moment because of Doctors appointments and grandchildren sitting !

"What's WHAT ?" I responded, all but deaf to anything remotely quiet coming from a different room !

"Oh it's the mobile, quick !" she howled once again half leaping out of her skin at a speed that almost defied belief !

But as she reappeared, grasping the iPhone 3 that one of our children had mothballed several years ago and then given her a month or so ago to replace something REALLY ancient from Nokia and staring myopically at the tiny screen that old technology had yet to improve on, the thing stopped ringing !

Of course 'RINGING' is not what it was doing..it was playing a tune that started quietly and then grew louder !

"Quick, it's the Doctors so it'll be for you ! Come on, leave that bloody computer alone and run upstairs where the reception's better !" and pressing redial she threw the thing at my instantly responsive athleticism !

".....all in this practice are bound by confidentiality....blah blah blah....now press ONE for blah blah blah...TWO for etc etc etc ad infinitum...."

I pressed FOUR for 'ANYTHING ELSE' !

"BLAH BLAH BLAH...how can I help ?"

"Someone just phoned this phone."
"Name ?"
"Nash"
"First name ?"
"David, well Jonathan David actually."
"Date of birth ?"
"The twentieth of January nineteen forty nine." I said, pronouncing things clearly as 20-1-49 has caused confusion in the past !
"How can I help ?"
"YOU just called ME !"
"Let me have a look. What was it about ?"
"How do I know, though I got a copy of a letter from the Cardiac Nurse yesterday, dated eleven days ago informing the doctor of a change of beta blockers."
"Ah ! The doctor's asked why !"
"But the reason is stated on the letter !"

At this point Shirley had run upstairs for the third time with my copy of the letter and the charging plug because the iPhone 3's battery only lasts about ten minutes and so began a struggle of listening to the receptionist whilst trying to work out how to plug the phone's charger into the phone one handed whilst also listening to Shirley telling me stuff which I couldn't concentrate on because the receptionist was also trying to tell me stuff and I was bent double sideways because the wire from the phone to the plug was too short !

"Oh it might be for me !" Shirley suddenly remembered as two weeks before she'd got me to hand in a letter from her optician who wanted the doctor to arrange some tests because he thought he's spotted the signs of a mini stroke on her retina....I didn't know they could do that...did you ?

"Hang on!" I said to the receptionist from my sideways curled position, "Your phone call this morning could have been for my wife...erm Shirley....I can't remember...May the something...same address yes...hang on she's sitting here so can I hand her the phone then I won't have to get her to give you her permission for me to continue talking to you about her...……………………………………..

And it WAS for her and she HADN'T seen the voicemail or something that they'd sent her!

SALLY...PART 209. THAT'LL BE A BIG MAC AND FRIES SUPERSIZED PLEASE !

WHO WOULDN'T BE RELAXED AFTER THIS ?

We were driving back from EXACTLY one hour's frogmarch around the autumnal woods this afternoon when Shirley spotted the 309 stopping outside M&S to where we were heading because we had a '£5 off when you spend £30' voucher !

"I miss the bus journies we used to make when you were banned from driving !" Shirley said a quarter day dreaming and three quarters out of contempt !

I then had to slam on the brakes as some old bloke simply came to a halt right in front of me in the middle of nowhere whilst apparently wondering where he wanted to go !

"What do you mean by you miss the journeys ? You HATED the bus ! You HATED your fellow travellers ! Every journey was a nightmare of delays, suspended services, stinking humans and a fear of missing the bus back ! So what DO you mean ?"

"Well, for a start I didn't have to put up with your driving and your foul temper and your getting lost !"

"What do you mean my foul temper ? You mean when idiots stop in the middle of nowhere like that fool in front of us ? And it wouldn't drive YOU mad if you were a driver ? And what do you mean LOST ?"

"It's a young woman !"

"What do you mean it's a young woman ?" It's an old bloke !

"It's a young woman with shoulder length hair."

"It's an old man with long unwashed grey hair and GOD he's going to stop AGAIN ! Oh for ####'s SAKE ! Just where I was about to turn in to M&S !"

"OH GOD GIVE ME STRENGTH !" I yelled as I turned by mistake, slightly too early into the MacDonald's Car Park !

"Exactly what I was talking about !" Shirley smirked.

SALLY...PART 208 ! FOOD IS SOMETHING YOU MOVE FROM THE FREEZER TO THE BIN AFTER PLACING IT BRIEFLY IN FRONT OF CHILDREN !

ET ? NAFF OFF HOME WILL YER ?

I've only had a four year and an eight year old on my own for seven hours but I am now determined to denounce this life and move permanently to a male only retreat in Outer Mongolia !

DON'T TRY MELTING MY HEART BOY !

If I were a woman I would DEMAND to go to work full time after having had my bits and my brain torn asunder by the little horrors !

HUGO AWARDED HIMSELF THIS CADBURY'S CHOCOLATE MOUSSE AFTER EATING JUST THREE SQUARES OF EGGY BREAD FOR BREAKFAST BEFORE ANNOUNCING HIMSELF FULL !

It's a combination of EVERYTHING, from having my hands permanently in the washing up bowl, scurrying around tidying up constantly in case my husband were to come home from work suddenly and think me a lazy pig, the endless questioning, the ENDLESS putting me down and the refusal to eat more than a teaspoonful of any hurriedly thrown together load of junk food !

HUGO NOW GOES NOWHERE WITHOUT HIS SUITCASE ON WHEELS WHICH CONTAINS ONLY HIS I PAD !

I understand ladies WHY you ignore your children so WHY do you want more than ONE of the little turds ?

It's ten hours since I was woken and I've finally sat down on my own for a moment before hearing a shelf of toys hit the deck AGAIN !

Why DO I bother !

If I was A WOMAN and a husband WAS about to arrive home I would be waiting for him to just TRY getting fruity before whacking him over the head with my rolling pin !

I feel that I AM now well and truly in touch with my 'feminine' side !

SALLY...PART 207. NO ONE COULD BE FOOLED BY THIS SURELY ?

THE BLOOD RED MOON LAST NIGHT !

My sister in law was over from Spain with her daughter yesterday so the fridge is now FULL of Marks and Spencer's finest foods !

Even IT, the fridge that is, keeps letting out gasps of surprise at the quality and price of foodstuffs it's never held before and didn't know existed !

I'm sure I heard it say, "What the #### is Haddock Chowder Soup when it's in town ?"

It also means that meal portions are much smaller as a packet with three very thin slices of ham, costing a king's ransom has to be shared between four as does a packet of  five tiny 'Princess Charlotte Water Boiled New England New Potatoes Sluiced In Real Butter' !

Still, we bulked up on a largeish 'Prize Suffolk Radish' each and a 'Lancashire Tenderleaf Lettuce Leaf' which again had to be divided into four !

Everyone praised my wife's culinary skills as she whipped her kitchen scissors across each packet !

Cutting a single small 'Luxury Apple Slice With A French Flour Based Topping' required great skill and we tossed for the raisin, which I won but then had to hand over when my wife gave me one of her looks and I had to pretend that I didn't like raisins anyway !

After our meal my sister in law suddenly announced that there was to be a rare blood red moon between the hours of 8:30 and 10 and that she would very much like to see it.

Well our long hot eight week summer had literally just come to an end and we were experiencing an almighty thunder storm with huge banks of black cumulus clouds releasing lakesful of rain whilst sheets of lightning turned the entire sky varicosed white !

But she didn't understand that the moon would have been BEHIND the clouds and therefore invisible...see Father Ted 'Near and Far Away'...and kept peering out of the drenched patio doors.

Finally, I could stand it no more and grabbed a felt tipped pen and piece of card and bluetacked a blood red moon onto the door and called out, "Remarkably Debbie, the blood red moon IS visible through the cloud !" and she came excitedly running down the lounge with her Iphone in hand, snapping shots and shouting out, "Oh my God, look at it Shirley, it's magnificent !"

This is true and what's more she kept going back for another look !

She is a Professor of Astronomy in her adopted country and I didn't have the heart to tell her what I'd done !

SALLY...PART 206. I THINK MY WIFE SHOULD BE WORRYING MORE ABOUT ME AND LESS ABOUT NADAL !

I returned home from my doctor's a little stunned yesterday afternoon !

Following MONTHS of waiting for appointments and then getting referred on for tests my GP told me yesterday that my left ventricle, the main heart chamber that pumps oxygenated blood through the body is working at 38% !

This is not particularly good and she's put me on beta blockers as well as high blood pressure and anticoagulants as I also have Atrial Fibrilation too which means that the atria have enlarged to compensate for the ventricular ectopics (irregular heart beats) and wall thickening which have been a long standing problem !

And yet I feel and look so well, not that I've ever looked well or felt it either !

So did my wife cradle me and rock me gently and weep over my face ?

NO !

She asked me to step to one side so she could watch Nadal at Wimbledon !

Later on she asked me what had happened at the Doctors and also asked me to look up various categories of life expectancy for men of my age with my condition !

She then asked me to put my Last Will And Testament into her shoulder bag before turning her attention back to the tennis !

SALY...PART 205. WHY DOES MY WIFE CLAIM SHE CAN'T COOK ?

"A SNACK FOR YOU MY DEAR !" SHE SAID SLYLY !

I don't have time to cook and so rely on my wife To feed me at regular intervals which she does marvelously well despite telling me over and over again how much she HATES cooking !

She also apparently hates Hoovering, housework, shopping, flying and sex !

Anyway, this morning at 8:45 my workshop door creaked open and she handed me in...she will not cross the demarcation line between HER space and mine...two sliced juicily ripe nectarines, followed shortly afterwards by a plateful of nigh on totally incinerated hot roasted almonds with pieces of Asda's cheapest 30p a bar milk chocolate melting droolingly all over them !

I WONDER WHY SHE DIDN'T TELL ME THAT THEY CONTAINED CYANIDE !

And HOW delicious were they ?

YUM SCRUNCH that's how !

And she STILL says she can't cook !

She was then rather worried about the effects of eating burnt food and Googled burnt almonds and only told me later that they contain CYANIDE !

Goodbye everyone...Shirley knows where my Will is...in her bag !

SALLY...PART 204. POPPYCOCK !

YES ! THIS IS THE SHOT THAT GOT ME BANNED !

"WHAT have you done, written or posted to get you banned THIS time ?" Shirley snarled a couple of years ago when I got wiped from the Facebook page of a photographic group called Hidden Northumberland .

I was sat, staring shocked and feeling totally humiliated by some Admin's action ! I'd only joined the area's leading Group with it's twenty thousand Membership a couple of weeks before and had been basking in some of the Members enthusiastic response to my shots !

"I simply put on a shot of one of Northumberland's most iconic images and asked, tongue in cheek whether anyone knew where the four Gargoyle heads which had originally been on London Bridge were now on display and they banned me ! ME ! BANNED !"

She didn't even hand me a hanky to blow my nose and wipe away a tear but went straight in for the kill, "Serves you right ! You think you're funny and you're NOT ! How many times have I told you how unfunny you are ? I would have banned you myself ! These people are serious photographers and they don't want the likes of you as a Member ! Now forget it and concentrate on what you're good at which is making leather purses and NOT playing the guitar whilst accompanying your dreadful playing with your diabolical voice !"

Like old Steptoe I smirked to myself and immediately set up my own Facebook Photography Group which after a number of name changes is presently called 'POPPYCOCK' !

It has about four Members who contribute photos and insult me and a few more who simply insult me but it's been such fun that I can't let it go !

SO, if you want an unexpurgated, funny, non-banning, politically incorrect and getting more incorrect with every passing day Group, why not join us ? You don't have to be a photographer but it is after all a photographic Group and I don't care how good or bad your shots are or what the subject matter is...just post them !

SALLY...PART 203. LUCINDA ! YOUR SNEEZING AND HONKING INTO YOUR HANKY HAVE PUT ME OFF EVER GOING OUT AGAIN !

I SO looked forward to seeing the live beaming of Swan Lake tonight, especially as I was going on my own due to Shirley's coughing fits preventing her accompanying me !

The problem with going anywhere with my wife is that NOTHING suits her, whether it's a cinema seat or an armless chair in a restaurant, the position of the table in said establishment or basically having to mix with other humans !

We tend to go at least half an hour early so that she can change tables or seats several times whilst at the same time growling at me not to introduce her to anyone I might happen to know !

So yesterday she told me NOT to buy her a ticket for the Ballet as she feared 'SUDDEN ONSET COUGHING FITS' during the performance caused by dust coming off the seats, the actual height of her seat above ground level, her proximity to other humans or the three week old cough that keeps grumbling on !

So I looked forward to a frictionless evening during which I could chat to people I knew and/or complete strangers !

But today she felt better so she came with me to a converted church where raked seating should have provided an uninterrupted view...except for the fact that the architect got his sums wrong and he put the screen too low down so we both had THE tallest people in town sat blockng our view !

I recognised several people but felt it best to ignore them and I think that they were under the same orders as I was ! What is it about women and their choice of the wrong husband ?

I moved right along the row where I had a splendid view, pushing past Lucinda who was so large she couldn't stand up or move her legs because she was wedged into her seat !

Lucinda's friend, whose name I couldn't catch because Lucinda's voice was one of those tremendously deep bossy ones, couldn't or wouldn't move either !

Lucinda sneezed extremely loudly several times during the three hours we were there and immediately after loudly blew what sounded like nosefuls of thick green endless gunge into her hanky making me and several others around her, including I would imagine her friend, feel nauseous, to the point of retching some small amounts of our dinners back into our mouths !

Lucinda's other hugely irritating fault was her voicing of her opinion after each solo, like, "GOOD LINE WHAT ? I SAID GOOD LINE, HIM, THAT DANCER CHAPPIE ! HER HANDS ARE GOOD ! I SAID HER HANDS ARE GOOD ! HAVE YOU SEEN MY THIRD TUB ?"

Lucinda was obviously once a Colonial lady who was used to bellowing at her late husband and her servants !

Shirley joined me after the interval because she couldn't stand the man and his ever moving head blocking her view and to get away from Lucinda !

Lucinda also changed seats with her friend and sat next to me where her overwhelmingly large thigh pressed under our mutual armrest and hard up against my skinny little thigh, rapidly killing all feeling in that leg !

Her other problem was the size of her backside which she displayed at the end of the show when she bent down after she'd stood up to pick up her empty ice cream tubs from the floor, thereby revealing several layers of slightly discoloured underwear !

She continued to do this with other peoples tubs and beer glasses and I only stopped staring at her hideousness when my wife insisted that I pushed her out of our way, not an easy task, so we could get to the chip shop before it shut...which we failed because it WAS shut...just !

SALLY...PART 202. SHIRLEY ! YOU CAN'T HIT ME ANYMORE !

It's not that she's ever hit me because quite simply, I've never done anything to make her want to !

OK, I might have annoyed her a bit at times which I believe is unusual in itself because my male friends tell me that their wives never get upset with them .

When things get a bit sticky, she normally squeezes her eyes shut and counts silently to ten before opening them and smiling at me in an understanding way.

So what's all this about NOT hitting me then ?

Well I've had to start taking an anticoagulant drug to prevent my dodgy AF ridden heart pumping blood clots to my brain where they would possibly have a small effect on my life.

The trouble with the tablets is that there is no antidote to them and should I have a major bleed after being whacked across the skull by an angry woman I WOULD hemorrhage to death !

I must also avoid getting into fights up the pub, not have a high speed car crash, not fall over or cut my hand open with a Stanley knife !

My Grandson is not allowed to headbutt me or kick me in the shins anymore either !

So I was explaining this to Shirley when we had a drive today and after I said, "Shirley ! You can't hit me anymore !" she dismissed my words with, "I shall hit you if I want to !"

So everyone, anyone, I just want someone who reads this to bear in mind that if my death seems to be surrounded by mysterious circumstances I have probably been hit round the back of the head by my wife whose Crocodile tears WILL be totally false !

Please tell the police !

SALLY...PART 201...THIS EUROPEAN GOOGLE NOTIFICATION STUFF !

I don't use anything on this Blog so whatever the regulations are, they don't apply to me ! I DON'T pass on information or even have contact with anyone or anything ! NO ONE EVER comments on ANY of my 200 Blogs anyway and that COULD be because I and/or the Blogs are just too boring, or I've pressed something that I have no clue about and prevented commenting !

As far as I'm concerned my Blog is written to make my wife laugh so the rest of you are a bonus and I hope some of you at least smile at it occasionally !

Oh and I don't earn anything from it or allow advertisers access to it so I guess it'll probably be safe from whatever Europe is attempting to make us safe from !

Next Blog....Surving a holiday on an isolated Scottish Island with fifteen relatives....if I survive !

SALLY...PART 200 ! 48 LOST HOURS !

"It's time to man up and pull yourself together !" Shirley said, whipping my quilt off me at 6:40am and pulling me back towards consciousness after an almighty forty eight hour dose of food poisoning which SOMETHING or SOMEONE gave me along with a heavy head cold !

At least I can see today and my head doesn't feel like it's being pounded by a sledge hammer !

"You won't be able to drive into Newcastle to watch Dylan march as the parking'll be impossible so I'll wrap up some toilet wipes and you'll just have to get off the bus and find a public toilet if you're that desperate !" she continued lovingly !

"I need some bread so get dressed and go and get me some but you'd better make it white and I suppose I'll have to eat it too as the last thing you need is roughage !" she called out as I emptied last night's wee pot, rinsed it and sprayed it and everything else I'd touched with anti-virus spray !

Heh and what ARE the 0.01% of bacteria and viruses it can't kill and where are they lurking ?

The wee pot ?

Oh, well, that's what I now have to use in 'MY' bedroom instead of going to the bathroom at night because even walking totally silently wakes Shirley who has finally hit a 'negative' sleep pattern after year upon year of telling me, "Well that was THE worst night's sleep yet !"

Although whenever I'm awake at night all I hear is evidence that she is soundly asleep !

So what gave it to me....what brought about that feeling in the abdomen that everyone knows ?

The chicken pies cooked and eaten in a rush before Hugo arrived ?

The slightly wet and only warmed through scampi ?

The overwhelming fumes from the block paving sealant I'd spent two days using !

Not to find myself in a position of never getting fed again I'll go with the fumes !

SALLY...Part 199. I CAN ONLY DO WRONG !

I AM NOT PUBLISHING ANY PHOTOS OF THE DAMAGED PART...I'm just making that clear from the start to avoid any disappointment later on !

There was a fearful thump, a scream and silence for a second two nights ago when Shirley stepped into the buttoned up quilt cover that was draped too near the floor and tripped herself so suddenly that she didn't get the chance to thrust out a hand to save herself and crashed down onto the sharp corner of the central heating radiator at the end of our bed !

By the time I had slowly looked up, closed my book, stood up, brushed the crumbs off my lap onto the floor, checked my hair in the mirror, been to the toilet and got to her the pain was roaring through her body and there was nothing I could do to help except to be there...which she has never liked so I went away though alert to her needs as and when they arose !

I was told NOT to phone for an ambulance or stand staring as only time would sort things out so I did nothing !

At six the next morning I was woken by the sound of her setting out the very heavy patio table and chairs after turning them it over from their winter position which would have strained MY back but made no comment when I staggered through, bleary eyed and exhausted from lying worrying about her all night to find her bent over scraping the orange jelly mould off the aging veranda timbers !

The extensive bruising over the surface of her extremely ample boob which took the greater part of the force and probably prevented her ribs breaking was clearly apparent when I was eventually allowed to see it, the first time in forty five years that I have ever seen any part of her body naked and it coloured up concerningly during yesterday, her breathing became very painful and coughing was agony but still I daren't suggest she saw a medic !

I offered to cook lunch and dinner but was prevented from doing so by the words, "I wouldn't eat ANYTHING you cooked if I was dying !",so fed myself and sat watching her starve !

This all came to a head last night when as she was going to bed she came through to me and said, "Is this what you call washing up ?" as she thrust an unwashed up teaspoon under my nose, "It was in with the washing up to the left of the sink !"

"The washing up", I replied, "as you know is and has always been to the right of the sink on the draining board and that spoon was in my unwashed up apple strudle and cream dish to the left !"

"Well why ISN'T it washed up?"

So I went through my getting up ritual again and turned the hot tap on and waited for the hot water to come through, using those few seconds to squeee an invisibly small amount of washing up liquid into the dish.

"FAR TOO MUCH washing up liquid !" she growled, "No wonder half the bottle's gone today and you don't need hot water, tepid will do !"

"What, for cream ?" I asked timorously !

"YES, for cream and watch you don't splash water onto the back of the sink or if you do wipe it up and make sure you've wiped the work surface or the ants will be all over it eating the sugar you're bound to have spilled !"

I did what I could as well as I could, knowing that I would be brought a streaked dish and spoon the next morning and told to leave everything to her in the future....which I happily will !

The truth is that until yesterday when I HAD to do it I NEVER did do the washing up or the cooking or the tidying as I ALWAYS did them wrong !

ALWAYS !

And I'm left wondering whether I am the only useless man on Earth ?

SALLY...PART 198 ! FORTY FIVE YEARS LATER !

IT WAS APPARENTLY A CARDBOARD CAKE BUT I DON'T REMEMBER !

When my mother told my future wife, "Don't do it darling ! He'll never provide for you !" the night before our wedding, she was not alone in thinking we stood NO chance of making it through forty five weeks let alone forty five years !

Well somehow we did and we probably have no idea how !

We live in the same house we bought forty two years ago and have spent very little time apart !

We have never had a cross word and agree on everything ! Yeah right !

WE DO actually share the same bank account and if there's ONE piece of advice I would pass on it would be to do exactly that ! NO SECRETS !

You'll sleep better !

THE WOMAN WHO TOLD MY FUTURE WIFE NOT TO MARRY ME SEEN HERE WITH ME AND HER OTHER FOUR SONS WHO DON'T WANT TO BE IDENTIFIED AS BEING MY BROTHERS !

I took my new wife on honeymoon to the South Of France in a continuously breaking down Fiat 500 after spending much of our wedding night with an AA man on Dover Docks and that was NOT a good idea ! My mother's words of warning nearly came true !

TRUE ROMANCE ? I'D SAY SO !

And I still make her laugh so that's good !

SALLY...PART 197. I NEARLY GOT APOLOGISED TO YESTERDAY !

Shirley is a reluctant cook but what she does cook is almost always delicious and I tell her so even though she then generally tells me to get stuffed !

After all, I know which side my bread is buttered on !

Despite being a decade or so beyond most men's retirement age I still work from 8am 'til 11pm most days and was hard at it yesterday when I was summoned for my lunch, two chicken pies, leeks and mashed potatoes which come from a cleverly frozen package !

I instantly stop doing whatever it is I am doing and scuttle through to the kitchen and try to not let my chair squeal on the oaken floor as I take my place at the bottom of the table !

I sat turning on my laptop as quietly as I could as even pressing a key lightly can cause irritation and jumped as Shirley yowled in shock, swore like one of the actors on the American Murder Series she watches and grabbed at an airborne chicken pie which landed in the washing up bowl which was thankfully mostly empty !

"Move that bloody machine back before I wrap it round your head !" she roared as she slammed the plate down in front of me hard enough to break the table let alone the china ! "And don't tell me you're hungry again today or I WILL kill you !"

She then also slammed a small glass of water down beside the plate which mostly emptied onto the plate after leaping about two feet into the air !

I ate every scrap and not out of fear before rising to rinse the gravy slime from the plate before it set hard but didn't go as far as actually washing the thing as I would only have left some microscopically tiny particle somewhere which would have got me bellowed at !

Some time later I'm afraid I DID get bellowed at as Shirley found a pile of mashed potato in the sink !

She thrust the perfectly white lump of mash under my nose and scoffed !

"I heard you at the sink you little sneak, washing your dinner away ! You must know that you should NEVER wash food down the sink as it rots in the pipes and it'll be YOU who has to pay for the men to come and dig up your room to get at the drains !"

"I did NOT wash any food down the sink Shirley as I ate every scrap !"

"But unlike you I am not as deaf as a post and heard you doing it !"

"Shirley, I was simply trying to get in your good books by rinsing a small amount of congealed gravy off my plate before it set as hard as concrete !"

"Well you'll NEVER do that so just admit it ! I'm not stupid ! I HEARD you !"

"Shirley, I DID NOT SCRAPE MASHED POTATO INTO THE SINK AND FOR A START THERE'S NO GRAVY ON IT !"

"OH DEAR GOD I'M MARRIED TO A LIAR !"

And with that she disappeared and my weakened heart flashed through another hundred ventricular
ectopics without actually killing me !

Some time later my door opened quietly and not with the usual YANK !

"Erm, I might have been mistaken." she almost whispered !

"Oh REALLY ?  And what has brought you to this conclusion ?"

"Well you know when I shouted out ? The steam from one of your pies had shot out and scalded my hand as as I tried to put it on your plate it flew across the worktop and I think it might have scalped the top of the mashed potato which I now realise was what was in the sink as I did notice that the pile I had spooned out had gone strangely flat."

"So are you saying that you might NOT have heard me emptying food down the sink and that I won't have to pay for men to dig up my workroom floor and that I'm NOT a liar ?"

"yes", she said very quietly !

"Well if that's an apology I accept it !"

And with her usual look of defiance somewhat less defiant she returned to her next murder !

SALLY...Part 196. ONLY A FOOL CRITICIZES HIS WIFE !

PERHAPS I WAS A BIT HASTY !

It all began around midday yesterday when my wife, deeply absorbed in yet another twelve part Scandi-noir opened my door and groaned, "You might have noticed that I'm not cooking anymore, so if you're hungry you'll have to sort yourself out !"
"OK." I said drily between clenched teeth and over the sound of a bubblingly empty stomach !
"Does that mean you ARE hungry but are too lazy to get off your backside and do something about it ?"
"No." I squeaked from my sewing machine chair from where I was involved in finishing off fourteen market traders money belts, seven large tool rolls and two pencil rolls ! "I'm not hungry at all !" as I bravely held my head high despite feeling faint from lack of food !
She returned to her Kindle, or was it her Asus or was it her Pavilion, each of which she has propped up in front of her whilst watching three things at once AND talking via the internet to either her sister or her daughter simultaneously in the way that only a woman can !
Two minutes later my door was forcefully pulled open again !
"Right, I suppose you ARE hungry though how you can possibly be when you only had your Shredded Wheat an hour ago is beyond me so what do you want ?"
"No really, I'm fine." I wheedled, trying my best not to irritate her: a skill I have failed to hone to a fine art !
"I could do you a couple of pears that are on the turn and need eating but I'm NOT cooking !" she sneered !
"Yes you said and the pears would be just fine !" I replied pleasantly !
They were there in a flash, washed, cored and cut with as little love as any pair of pears could have been prepared with and she was away, also in a flash but not before my eagle eye had spotted a black bit unremoved and unappetising !
"Shirley !" I somehow found the courage to call out, "You have left a black bit on the end of one of the pear quarters !"

MY MOTHER WOULDN'T HAVE SERVED ME THIS !

That, in hindsight, was a mistake !
She returned in a flash, blasting the words, "WHAT ? WHAT ?" at my quivering shoulders ! "Where's a 'BLACK BIT' ?"
"The..the..the..there ." I mewled.
" THAT almost invisible mark is where I pulled the stalk out and is completely edible ! GOD have you ever seen what I leave of a pear and without pathetically coreing it first you wimp ?"
"Yes." I whispered, "The stalk."
"EXACTLY ! THE STALK ! God, if your accolytes knew what a pathetic man I married they would leave your Photographic Groups in DROVES ! DROVES I tell you ! What's it called now ?"
"I did done well." I ventured timidly
"WHAT ?" she bellowed
"I did done well" I ventured even more timidly.
"What does that mean ? It's RUBBISH !"
"I thought it was funny."
"FUNNY ? You wouldn't know FUNNY if it smacked you in the FACE ! What is self-delusion like is what I'd like to know 'cos you are SERIOUSLY self-delusional ! Now I insist that you take a photo of that 'BLACK BIT' and put it on your, what is it, Oh yes your pathetic, 'I DID DONE WELL' and see if any of THEM think it's funny !"

OK, I SHOULD HAVE KEPT MY MOUTH SHUT !

This hilarious banter carried on for a few more moments until she turned and stumbled over the same raised doorstep that separates my room from the rest of the house that she's stumbled over for the last thirty years and went back to get terrified by yet another diabolical murder !

Oh we do make each other laugh !