Shirley is a reluctant cook but what she does cook is almost always delicious and I tell her so even though she then generally tells me to get stuffed !
After all, I know which side my bread is buttered on !
Despite being a decade or so beyond most men's retirement age I still work from 8am 'til 11pm most days and was hard at it yesterday when I was summoned for my lunch, two chicken pies, leeks and mashed potatoes which come from a cleverly frozen package !
I instantly stop doing whatever it is I am doing and scuttle through to the kitchen and try to not let my chair squeal on the oaken floor as I take my place at the bottom of the table !
I sat turning on my laptop as quietly as I could as even pressing a key lightly can cause irritation and jumped as Shirley yowled in shock, swore like one of the actors on the American Murder Series she watches and grabbed at an airborne chicken pie which landed in the washing up bowl which was thankfully mostly empty !
"Move that bloody machine back before I wrap it round your head !" she roared as she slammed the plate down in front of me hard enough to break the table let alone the china ! "And don't tell me you're hungry again today or I WILL kill you !"
She then also slammed a small glass of water down beside the plate which mostly emptied onto the plate after leaping about two feet into the air !
I ate every scrap and not out of fear before rising to rinse the gravy slime from the plate before it set hard but didn't go as far as actually washing the thing as I would only have left some microscopically tiny particle somewhere which would have got me bellowed at !
Some time later I'm afraid I DID get bellowed at as Shirley found a pile of mashed potato in the sink !
She thrust the perfectly white lump of mash under my nose and scoffed !
"I heard you at the sink you little sneak, washing your dinner away ! You must know that you should NEVER wash food down the sink as it rots in the pipes and it'll be YOU who has to pay for the men to come and dig up your room to get at the drains !"
"I did NOT wash any food down the sink Shirley as I ate every scrap !"
"But unlike you I am not as deaf as a post and heard you doing it !"
"Shirley, I was simply trying to get in your good books by rinsing a small amount of congealed gravy off my plate before it set as hard as concrete !"
"Well you'll NEVER do that so just admit it ! I'm not stupid ! I HEARD you !"
"Shirley, I DID NOT SCRAPE MASHED POTATO INTO THE SINK AND FOR A START THERE'S NO GRAVY ON IT !"
"OH DEAR GOD I'M MARRIED TO A LIAR !"
And with that she disappeared and my weakened heart flashed through another hundred ventricular
ectopics without actually killing me !
Some time later my door opened quietly and not with the usual YANK !
"Erm, I might have been mistaken." she almost whispered !
"Oh REALLY ? And what has brought you to this conclusion ?"
"Well you know when I shouted out ? The steam from one of your pies had shot out and scalded my hand as as I tried to put it on your plate it flew across the worktop and I think it might have scalped the top of the mashed potato which I now realise was what was in the sink as I did notice that the pile I had spooned out had gone strangely flat."
"So are you saying that you might NOT have heard me emptying food down the sink and that I won't have to pay for men to dig up my workroom floor and that I'm NOT a liar ?"
"yes", she said very quietly !
"Well if that's an apology I accept it !"
And with her usual look of defiance somewhat less defiant she returned to her next murder !
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