I AM NOT PUBLISHING ANY PHOTOS OF THE DAMAGED PART...I'm just making that clear from the start to avoid any disappointment later on !
There was a fearful thump, a scream and silence for a second two nights ago when Shirley stepped into the buttoned up quilt cover that was draped too near the floor and tripped herself so suddenly that she didn't get the chance to thrust out a hand to save herself and crashed down onto the sharp corner of the central heating radiator at the end of our bed !
By the time I had slowly looked up, closed my book, stood up, brushed the crumbs off my lap onto the floor, checked my hair in the mirror, been to the toilet and got to her the pain was roaring through her body and there was nothing I could do to help except to be there...which she has never liked so I went away though alert to her needs as and when they arose !
I was told NOT to phone for an ambulance or stand staring as only time would sort things out so I did nothing !
At six the next morning I was woken by the sound of her setting out the very heavy patio table and chairs after turning them it over from their winter position which would have strained MY back but made no comment when I staggered through, bleary eyed and exhausted from lying worrying about her all night to find her bent over scraping the orange jelly mould off the aging veranda timbers !
The extensive bruising over the surface of her extremely ample boob which took the greater part of the force and probably prevented her ribs breaking was clearly apparent when I was eventually allowed to see it, the first time in forty five years that I have ever seen any part of her body naked and it coloured up concerningly during yesterday, her breathing became very painful and coughing was agony but still I daren't suggest she saw a medic !
I offered to cook lunch and dinner but was prevented from doing so by the words, "I wouldn't eat ANYTHING you cooked if I was dying !",so fed myself and sat watching her starve !
This all came to a head last night when as she was going to bed she came through to me and said, "Is this what you call washing up ?" as she thrust an unwashed up teaspoon under my nose, "It was in with the washing up to the left of the sink !"
"The washing up", I replied, "as you know is and has always been to the right of the sink on the draining board and that spoon was in my unwashed up apple strudle and cream dish to the left !"
"Well why ISN'T it washed up?"
So I went through my getting up ritual again and turned the hot tap on and waited for the hot water to come through, using those few seconds to squeee an invisibly small amount of washing up liquid into the dish.
"FAR TOO MUCH washing up liquid !" she growled, "No wonder half the bottle's gone today and you don't need hot water, tepid will do !"
"What, for cream ?" I asked timorously !
"YES, for cream and watch you don't splash water onto the back of the sink or if you do wipe it up and make sure you've wiped the work surface or the ants will be all over it eating the sugar you're bound to have spilled !"
I did what I could as well as I could, knowing that I would be brought a streaked dish and spoon the next morning and told to leave everything to her in the future....which I happily will !
The truth is that until yesterday when I HAD to do it I NEVER did do the washing up or the cooking or the tidying as I ALWAYS did them wrong !
ALWAYS !
And I'm left wondering whether I am the only useless man on Earth ?
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