SALLY...PART 222 ! COOKING MY OWN BREAKFAST !

Waiting for an untrackable parcel of zips is a pain as my doorbell is INSIDE my porch so no one knows it's there and Shirley can't STAND having to keep an eye and ear open for a man who doesn't realise that our doorbell is hidden so I had to cook my own breakfast today and how hard can that be ?

Ignoring all dictated recommendations I poured FAR too much oil into the smallest frying pan, heated it up FAR too high and then threw three frozen thick Richmond sausages into it without first pricking them which of course is impossible to do when they are as hard as iron !

Amazing how far boiling oil can travel isn't it ?

I then opened the window and fanned furiously to get the worst of the smoke out and reached for four tomatoes which I couldn't be bothered to slice and threw THEM in with the sausages too !

Amazing the force an unsliced tomato thrown into a mixture of boiling oil and sausage fat can explode with isn't it ?

I then used wet tea towels to seal the gaps in the door that divided the kithchen from the lounge where my wife's now muffled shouts were coming from !

I next carefully opened the tin of baked beans that we had been hoarding for when Coronavirus strikes and found that had I read the label I would have seen that sausages were a part of the contents so I carefully spooned them out into a dish and covered them with a few spare beans, covered the whole lot with a tea plate and put it in the fridge ready for a snack later and microwaved just a portion of beans for FAR too long in a dish without a lid on it and as quietly as possible wiped out the inside surfaces of the machine whilst whistling loudly enough to disguise what I was doing!

Unfortunately if there's ONE thing that Shirley can't stand it's me whistling and her demand for me to cease did NOT sound very muffled !

Now anyone can fry an egg can't they ? Yes of course they can and mine was PERFECT because I'm not stupid !

Nor did I burn the two slices of toast THAT badly before joining Shirley in the lounge to eat whilst she continued to stare out of the window cursing any vehicle that drove into our road that wasn't 'our' delivery van !

In my man's mind I'm a good washer upper and even did the dry fryer or whatever it's called that Shirley had left in the sink unwashed because her thumbs, behind her knees and somewhere else I'd rather not mention and she doesn't want me to mention hurt !

Some time later I heard any number of tuts and got called back into the kitchen to be shown dried egg on my plate and dried fish on the dry fryer and told not to bother washing up ever again unless I could change my ways and do it as well as a woman can !

Some time later, 12:45 to be precise, when hunger drove Shirley into the kitchen to chop yet MORE onions to pile onto her cheese on toast that she had to eat as I was still too full to share a frozen curry she heard a faint banging on the door which turned out to be my zips which were about to be taken back to the depot for a second time because the man couldn't get a response from us or any of the neighbours !

I scrawled something on his phone screen that couldn't be used in a court of law to identify me as the recipient and we both sank onto the settee, exhausted by the day's tension !

That's me and my wife not me and the delivery driver !