I SO looked forward to seeing the live beaming of Swan Lake tonight, especially as I was going on my own due to Shirley's coughing fits preventing her accompanying me !
The problem with going anywhere with my wife is that NOTHING suits her, whether it's a cinema seat or an armless chair in a restaurant, the position of the table in said establishment or basically having to mix with other humans !
We tend to go at least half an hour early so that she can change tables or seats several times whilst at the same time growling at me not to introduce her to anyone I might happen to know !
So yesterday she told me NOT to buy her a ticket for the Ballet as she feared 'SUDDEN ONSET COUGHING FITS' during the performance caused by dust coming off the seats, the actual height of her seat above ground level, her proximity to other humans or the three week old cough that keeps grumbling on !
So I looked forward to a frictionless evening during which I could chat to people I knew and/or complete strangers !
But today she felt better so she came with me to a converted church where raked seating should have provided an uninterrupted view...except for the fact that the architect got his sums wrong and he put the screen too low down so we both had THE tallest people in town sat blockng our view !
I recognised several people but felt it best to ignore them and I think that they were under the same orders as I was ! What is it about women and their choice of the wrong husband ?
I moved right along the row where I had a splendid view, pushing past Lucinda who was so large she couldn't stand up or move her legs because she was wedged into her seat !
Lucinda's friend, whose name I couldn't catch because Lucinda's voice was one of those tremendously deep bossy ones, couldn't or wouldn't move either !
Lucinda sneezed extremely loudly several times during the three hours we were there and immediately after loudly blew what sounded like nosefuls of thick green endless gunge into her hanky making me and several others around her, including I would imagine her friend, feel nauseous, to the point of retching some small amounts of our dinners back into our mouths !
Lucinda's other hugely irritating fault was her voicing of her opinion after each solo, like, "GOOD LINE WHAT ? I SAID GOOD LINE, HIM, THAT DANCER CHAPPIE ! HER HANDS ARE GOOD ! I SAID HER HANDS ARE GOOD ! HAVE YOU SEEN MY THIRD TUB ?"
Lucinda was obviously once a Colonial lady who was used to bellowing at her late husband and her servants !
Shirley joined me after the interval because she couldn't stand the man and his ever moving head blocking her view and to get away from Lucinda !
Lucinda also changed seats with her friend and sat next to me where her overwhelmingly large thigh pressed under our mutual armrest and hard up against my skinny little thigh, rapidly killing all feeling in that leg !
Her other problem was the size of her backside which she displayed at the end of the show when she bent down after she'd stood up to pick up her empty ice cream tubs from the floor, thereby revealing several layers of slightly discoloured underwear !
She continued to do this with other peoples tubs and beer glasses and I only stopped staring at her hideousness when my wife insisted that I pushed her out of our way, not an easy task, so we could get to the chip shop before it shut...which we failed because it WAS shut...just !
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