SALLY...Part 196. ONLY A FOOL CRITICIZES HIS WIFE !

PERHAPS I WAS A BIT HASTY !

It all began around midday yesterday when my wife, deeply absorbed in yet another twelve part Scandi-noir opened my door and groaned, "You might have noticed that I'm not cooking anymore, so if you're hungry you'll have to sort yourself out !"
"OK." I said drily between clenched teeth and over the sound of a bubblingly empty stomach !
"Does that mean you ARE hungry but are too lazy to get off your backside and do something about it ?"
"No." I squeaked from my sewing machine chair from where I was involved in finishing off fourteen market traders money belts, seven large tool rolls and two pencil rolls ! "I'm not hungry at all !" as I bravely held my head high despite feeling faint from lack of food !
She returned to her Kindle, or was it her Asus or was it her Pavilion, each of which she has propped up in front of her whilst watching three things at once AND talking via the internet to either her sister or her daughter simultaneously in the way that only a woman can !
Two minutes later my door was forcefully pulled open again !
"Right, I suppose you ARE hungry though how you can possibly be when you only had your Shredded Wheat an hour ago is beyond me so what do you want ?"
"No really, I'm fine." I wheedled, trying my best not to irritate her: a skill I have failed to hone to a fine art !
"I could do you a couple of pears that are on the turn and need eating but I'm NOT cooking !" she sneered !
"Yes you said and the pears would be just fine !" I replied pleasantly !
They were there in a flash, washed, cored and cut with as little love as any pair of pears could have been prepared with and she was away, also in a flash but not before my eagle eye had spotted a black bit unremoved and unappetising !
"Shirley !" I somehow found the courage to call out, "You have left a black bit on the end of one of the pear quarters !"

MY MOTHER WOULDN'T HAVE SERVED ME THIS !

That, in hindsight, was a mistake !
She returned in a flash, blasting the words, "WHAT ? WHAT ?" at my quivering shoulders ! "Where's a 'BLACK BIT' ?"
"The..the..the..there ." I mewled.
" THAT almost invisible mark is where I pulled the stalk out and is completely edible ! GOD have you ever seen what I leave of a pear and without pathetically coreing it first you wimp ?"
"Yes." I whispered, "The stalk."
"EXACTLY ! THE STALK ! God, if your accolytes knew what a pathetic man I married they would leave your Photographic Groups in DROVES ! DROVES I tell you ! What's it called now ?"
"I did done well." I ventured timidly
"WHAT ?" she bellowed
"I did done well" I ventured even more timidly.
"What does that mean ? It's RUBBISH !"
"I thought it was funny."
"FUNNY ? You wouldn't know FUNNY if it smacked you in the FACE ! What is self-delusion like is what I'd like to know 'cos you are SERIOUSLY self-delusional ! Now I insist that you take a photo of that 'BLACK BIT' and put it on your, what is it, Oh yes your pathetic, 'I DID DONE WELL' and see if any of THEM think it's funny !"

OK, I SHOULD HAVE KEPT MY MOUTH SHUT !

This hilarious banter carried on for a few more moments until she turned and stumbled over the same raised doorstep that separates my room from the rest of the house that she's stumbled over for the last thirty years and went back to get terrified by yet another diabolical murder !

Oh we do make each other laugh !