Sally-Part 139 . WHAT HAPPENED TO THE THORNTONS DAD ?

Today I discovered that two adults CAN be mentally broken whilst trying to work out how an 'Induction' oven works in a holiday home !

I MENTIONED OUR PROBLEM TO THE OWNER ! HE LOOKED GUILTY AND  MUMBLED AN APOLOGY ! HE KNEW !

Shirley discovered a converted railway signal box close to the Lake District and booked a few days here without thinking about me and how exhausted I'd be travelling so far from home and now, jet-lagged and up after a deep sleep following a harrowing seventy mile saunter I find myself on the edge of a nervous breakdown having been driven close to insanity by an electrical device !

THE PERFECT HIDEAWAY FOR TWO ! NO NOT FOUR WITH TWO ON A SOFA BED UPSTAIRS EVEN THOUGH THEY SAY IT IS AS THE TOILET'S NEXT TO THE ONLY BEDROOM DOWNSTAIRS ! SORRY !

I was upstairs, surrounded by the ghosts of long dead signalmen and their levers, shut in by a heavy fire door and still in a stupor when my tinnitised ears vaguely heard something being shouted at me about a 'potato's feelings' !

I waited like all men for the third summons before shuffling to the door which I failed to open and instead wrenched my wrist tendons because I hadn't yet discovered that fire-doors need seizure-inducing amounts of energy to open them !

"Did you call ?"

"Three bloody times you deaf idiot ! I can't use these stupid potato peelers that you have to pull towards you ! They're alright for carrots but not potatoes, especially these stupidly small ones so can you take over !"

I took the award-winning triangular shaped nightmare and taking the tops off only three fingers completed the job of peeling four small potatoes in well under an hour !

Then for the hob, an 'induction' thing without any instructions for the touch switches a three year old could operate !

We searched the drawers, the cupboards, the oven, the two hugely over-packed visitor-attraction files which contained instructions for every other gadget and the dishwasher several times without any luck and as we grew weaker from repetitively climbing and descending the steep stairs finally found them sitting by the hob !

SO what you do is touch an etched sensor for two seconds which unlocks another set of sensors before deciding which ring you want to work by touching another sensor for two seconds and choosing a number between 1 and 9 !

You then have ten seconds to press another sensor for God knows what reason before the thing automatically turns itself off and you have to do it all again !

Occasionally the chosen ring would flare red for a second before going black again and neither Shirley nor I had a clue what we were supposed to do !

As we clung weeping to each other with the now overcooked fish in a bag dried to a crisp in the microwave and the pre-microwaved broccoli (I've just been imformed it was cabbage !) growing steadily colder the hob suddenly kicked back into life for another second before once more going off which it then did repeatedly for the ten minutes it took to cook and mash the little bleeders !

I sunk in gratitude into my seat, opened the free bottle of red wine which tasted of harshness rather than the 'smoked oak' and 'vanilla ovetures' the label promised before we ate in exhausted silence !

Because I have no WiFi here, have left my guitar at home and without sufficient padding on my rear end can't sit on the rock hard kitchen chairs to write this Blog I have since sat on a leather settee through four episodes of Coronation Street and Emmerdale which are indistinguishable from one another, staring up angry nostrils as the characters lie there way through the supposed lives of people who spend their torrid waking hours in a pub in a permanent state of aggressive confrontation with each other, eventually sleeping with every other person in their communities, whether of the opposite or the same sex before being killed by a crashing plane, drowning after losing control of their cars and plunging into a canal at three miles an hour or burning to a crisp at the hands of an arsonist !

Shirley, lying over on the other settee with a now empty box of Thornton's chocolates on her chest who watches this tosh snored her way through the lot !

Sally-part 138.MY SCRUMPTIOUS FULL BODIED FULL ENGLISH BREAKFAST VERSUS SHIRLEY'S DRIED UP YUK !

FULLY BOOKED AND UNDERSTANDABLY SO ! THE CONVERTED SIGNAL BOX WE RENTED AND THE SETTING FOR A TERRIBLE BREAKFAST !

There's nothing like a hearty fry up to start the day properly and using just slightly less than a litre of Virgin Olive Oil I can rapidly produce a feast for four that leaves my guests drooling grease down their chins and begging for a top up of tea to help wash down their Oxford Thick Cut Marmalade on toast !

The secret is of course in the timing, so bringing a giant frying pan half full of oil to smoking hot I drop in par-boiled sliced potatoes to saute before adding the sausages, then the onions and then the mushrooms, allowing them to swim and sizzle for a while before moving them to one side to get the tomatoes and the bacon going !

Once done I spoon them into a sieve and let them drip for ten minutes before pouring the mountain of splendour onto a huge serving platter and sliding that into a hot oven before lowering several slices of bread into the pan to fry in the flavoured oil residue and frying two eggs per person without forgetting the eight slices of buttered toast and pots of tea and coffee !

Yesterday, before going out for a drive Shirley decided that SHE would cook us a breakfast, commenting that she would do it as she'd only brought a couple of thimblefuls of oil to both cook and prepare salads with and she couldn't imagine what sort of mess I'd create if I was let loose !

SHIRLEY ALWAYS MARKS HER EXTRA VIRGIN OLIVE OIL BOTTLES ! HERE YOU CAN SEE HOW MUCH SHE USED FOR TWO FRY-UPS AND THREE SALADS !

Shirley was as supple as a snake in our youth but now suffers from a collapsed pelvic girdle and pubic tendons or some such ailment which means that for the first three hours each day she can only stand for no more than three minutes without letting out great yelps of pain when she moves !

She also suffers from her condition for the remaining thirteen hours of her waking day which is apparently why she spends so much time sitting reading about Josh Groban on her laptop !

I felt really guilty sitting reading as she prepared breakfast, letting out grunts and gasps of pain !

"Sit down for goodness sake and let me do it !" I thought without actually saying it as saying it would have annoyed her !

Now, the 'induction' hob is a nightmare to operate and neither of us have mastered it so I was of no help whatsoever as Shirley failed to get the ring to maintain the required heat to actually fry an egg rather than eventually warm it to the consistency of a second world war lorry tyre !

TECHNOLOGY BEYOND THE LIMIT OF OUR COMBINED BRAINPOWER !

I CHALLENGE ANYONE TO MAKE SENSE OF THIS !

She managed to bake the sausages in no oil at all, even regularly emptying out the tasty oil which slowly leaked out of them, reducing them to a withered state resembling what I think my penis will look like ten years after I've died !

The baby tomatoes and sliced onions which supplied the only flavours were slightly heated in the oven and WERE chewable if you bit down really firmly !

I had just finished my morning mug of coffee which I'd let go cold before I'd started eating and daren't have another one before our outing as I knew Shirley tends to get slightly irritated whenever I have to pull into a layby for a pee !

OH WHY DID I NOT SAVE SOME COFFEE ? IT MIGHT HAVE HELPED ME SWALLOW THE UNSWALLOWABLE !

So I ate dry, if not very dry, sipping on a small glass of warmed through water to prevent the agony of 'an attack' when my diaphragm goes into spasm as I swallow the first mouthfuls of any meal Shirley cooks !

My thinly buttocked backside ached because I was sat squeezed tightly onto a hard, sharp-edged right-angled wooden chair unable to breathe or move and not daring to push the table away from me a little because 1. It would have screamed along the floor annoying Shirley, 2. With restricted width in the narrow kitchen Shirley wouldn't have been able to get into the fridge which would have annoyed her and 3. Doing anything annoys Shirley !

Without tomato sauce, which apparently I forgot to bring, the tasteless and altogether horrible meal took some bravery to chomp through though eventually I discovered that spreading unutterably unbuttery 'Utterly Butterly' on my barely toasted slabs of compressed white sawdust made it all just edible ! ( The bread was barely toasted because Shirley dreaded setting off the unreachable smoke alarm which was screwed to the ceiling ten feet up ! )

THE SMOKE ALARM THAT NEVER WENT OFF !

I thanked her for my meal which annoyed her and held the rucksack open as she piled in several dozen essential items like her spare shoes, spare spare shoes and her now wrecked silk scarf torn to blazes by the velcro tabs on her Goretex coat, bottle of frozen water which would gradually melt and soak everything else, anti-thigh rub gel, a single packet of crushed 'cheap' Asda crisps and her apple, a single boiled sweet each and my fun size chocolate bar !

I COULD HAVE EATEN A TASTY BREAST FROM ONE OF THESE FREE RANGE BEAUTIES RIGHT OUTSIDE MY FRONT DOOR !

Now TODAY with only a bowl of porridge for breakfast we walked a mile around a National Trust parkland soaked in stinking sheep's urine before wending our way to Pooley Bridge for a two and a half hour nightmare for me on a Lake Cruise which would see me green with seasickness however smooth the water ! (Fortunately the wind was too cold and we stayed on land !)

On the way we passed a magnificent Country Pub which offered 'Home Made Food' and I suggested stopping there for some lunch .

" Home Made Food !" she scoffed, " I would have thought that that was the last thing you wanted after yesterday's breakfast !"

And of course she was right ! Why would any man choose 'Home Made' when he'd spent a life eating indegestible meals cooked at home with resentment ?

ONLY JOKING ! Shirley IS a slightly reluctant chef but produces delicious meals all the same ! PHEW !

Well referring back to my 'suggesting' the pub, anyone who has read any of my blogs knows that it's a waste of breath for me to 'suggest' ANYTHING !

My 'suggestions' are invariably rejected as Shirley has long decided on a plan of action and today she had already chosen  Granny Dowbekin's Cafe, described on Tripadvisor as superb !

We stood outside the place whilst I was read each item and 'advised' that I wouldn't eat any of them especially the MEAT AND POTATO PIE as it was bound to have gristle in it ! BUT we did go in and we ate MAGNIFICENTLY without ANY gristle at all and it was SO tasty with the best pastry I've ever eaten ! In fact I had a corner piece and the thick crust was like a cake and I ended up picking it up in my fingers to finish it off ! YUM YUM !

And their heavenly Bread And Butter Pudding was the finest I'd ever eaten as well, although Shirley looked less than impressed with what she called "A School Dinner and what I ate every Saturday when I worked at Woolworth's !" before falling thankfully silent and WOLFING down every last scrap !

The staff were really top class and friendly and I will add my opinion onto Tripadvisor too !

So well done Granny's, I can't wait to eat at your place again and I have not eaten a thing since lunch and you might have noticed that when I paid the bill Shirley peeped around my back and asked for a slice of Lemon Drizzle Cake to take home which now eight hours after the meal we have just eaten and was delicious too !

Finally, when I say 'WE' she parsimoniously and VERY reluctantly passed me three unbelievably tiny tip-of-a-teaspoon teasers !

Sally-Part 137. STRUTH !

FORTY YEARS AGO NO ONE WOULD HAVE BET A PENNY ON US STILL BEING TOGETHER AND BEST FRIENDS !

STRUTH !

it was about 10am and I was trying to think hard about what the nub of my problem is, which is why nobody likes me when my thoughts were broken into by quite an impatient,"D'you prefer your egg whole or 'omeletted' ?" shouted through with just a touch of irritation !

"Omeletted please ! Or whatever's easiest and puts least pressure on your aching hip seeing as you won't let me cook breakfast for you because of the mess you say I'll leave !" replied to with just the right amount of humility to really annoy her !

"Well you wanted it whole the other day !", returned with slightly more irritation !

"Then whole'll be fine thanks !", replied with just a touch of hope of a friendly acceptance !

"Plain bread or toasted !", even MORE irritated !

"Plain please!" sung rather than said in the hope of dispelling any residual tension !

Then quicker than any top chef could make a cup of tea I was shouted at, "Move your thing ! Move your thing ! Your bloody laptop ! MOVE IT !" as the plate was thrust under my face before I'd finished writing my first word !

I started eating absent-mindedly but still managed to think that I ought to express some gratitude so I mumbled, "Delicious thanks!"

"You WHAT?"

"I said 'DELICIOUS! THANKS!"

"And I didn't use a DROP of oil, unlike the pint of my best Virgin Olive Oil that you would have wasted and I suppose you'll want a drink or have you got one?" she snorted, impatient to get back to yet more of the daily thousands of Josh Groban reports !

"Got one thanks!" noting my mug was all but empty but not wanting to annoy her further and deciding that I'd wait and quietly go in and make one for myself once she was out of the kitchen !

"I can smell pepper!" she suddenly called!

"Smell WHAT ?" I replied trying to show interest !

"Pepper, PEPPER ! You deaf idiot !"

"Uhm!" I thought."I remember once reading that smelling rubber can signify an impending heart attack but pepper?"

Could smelling pepper also actually signify an impending heart attack I wondered with not a little hope quickening my heartbeat !

Sally-part 136. NAKED HERO RESCUES TERRIFIED WILD CAT !

I was finally off Facebook and in bed reading Jack Dee's miserable account of his life and trying not to die laughing with Shirley's nightie stuffed up my T-shirt and lying on her side of the bed to get it to the right temperature for her as we are away from home looking after Dalai and Lama who are two cats born to hate each other with passion and there are no hot water bottles in this place !

DALAI THE OBESE CAT ON THE LEFT WHO EATS ALL HER OWN 'OBESITY MANAGEMENT' FOOD AND THEN LICKS THE TASTY JELLY OFF LAMA'S MUCH NICER TREATS ! This is not 'THE'window !

Dalai is ridiculously fat and has to have a glass of water placed on the floor by the bed so she can have a drink during the night ! The glass used to be placed under the bed so that she could drink in private but the company who moved my son's belongings to this new house broke the bed frame and Jonathan and I, well me really, further broke it when trying to reassemble it and now the mattress is on the floor until I get Jay's permission to drill a few holes through the outside of the otherwise flush-fitted timbers and use attractive bolts to put it together again. That's not a hard decision for a man to make BUT the lady of the house is a bit distraught about my despoiling the 'lines' !

GOD ! It's only a bed but Jay's a theatrical costumiere and insists on perfection and she's a bit wary of me as some shelves I previously put up for her fell off the wall and fixing her shower switch I reconnected the wires which also operated the bathroom fan the wrong way round which left them showering in freezing water in an Arctic blast !

Oh ! And then there was the incident when I connected their washing machine and dishwasher together and misunderstood which hose went where so their dishes got washed with water that had just washed their clothes !

Anyway, there I was drifting off to sleep having read the same sentence eight times when Shirley let out a scream and rushed in to get me, " David ! Come quickly ! There's a strange cat on the windowsill in the other bedroom ! This came out as 'DAVID!COMEQUICKLYTHERE'SASTRANGECATONTHEWINDOWSILLINTHEOTHERBEDROOM!

I tore out of bed pulling her nightie out of my T-shirt and without waiting to gather my thoughts ran through to the room where standing in full view of anyone wanting to see a todger from the street I peeped around the half drawn curtain to see little more than a half grown young cat sitting on the towel kindly positioned on the window sill for Dalai or Lama to sit comfortably on to view the world !

With Shirley half-hysterical with fear and firing a continual barrage of questions at me as to how it got there and her terror transferring immediately to me via the cat I held out a friendly hand to calm the beast down !

It YOWLED and climbed vertically up the rectangularly timbered  window, spitting and growling from just under the ceiling loudly enough to make the hair stand up on the head of a brave man, let alone me !

Still, I continued with, "There now, Puss Puss Puss after grabbing a blanket and climbing onto the windowsill to effect a rescue!"

It probably didn't help that Shirley was still going on a bit which unnerved me even a little more !

So standing with my old man pressed hard against the glass and reaching up for a hissing, spitting terrified creature I threw the blanket over it and in a dramatic leap grabbed it behind it's front legs, landing on the floor and running to the stairs in one gracefully athletic move !

The cat's four sets of claws were flailing at my nakedness and how I managed to drop it as it fought for it's life to escape the cover without it tearing my old man off I'll never know !

It flew through the house and out of the cat flap in the blink of an eye leaving the other two cats staring wild eyed after it !

I climbed back, well fell down into bed where I wasn't told that I'd once again been a hero !

I suppose I could have just 'Shooed' it out !

Last time it was a bat and you can read about that in Part 29 !

Sally-Part 135. I'VE SEEN YOUR OFFTAKES AND I WEEP FOR ALL OF YOU ON A SALARY ?

IN THE DAYS BEFORE I DISCOVERED THAT I WAS ONE DAY GOING TO GROW OLD !

I've spent my entire working life as a self-employed man, earning just about enough to pay a mortgage for twenty five years and bring up three kids. Life was a bottomless pit into which I poured all my earnings and had I chosen to pay for Designer clothes for my brats I would have ended up in enormous debt !

In fact, had I not had a clever wife who explained Mr. McCawber's Law to me I would have ended up in debtor's jail with my Range Rover repossessed ! I have not done so primarily because it was put to me that eight miles to a gallon was not a very clever idea and so I drive a sensible diesel car that even gets pointed at and laughed at by children and looks like it was designed for a hunchback !

I have put a sign in the back window which says ' THIS IS NOT A MOTABILITY VEHICLE AND I DID NOT GET GIVEN IT UNDER A THOROUGHLY ABUSED GOVERNMENT SCHEME ! I OWN IT !' but it hasn't helped matters much !

Of course my Peugeot Partner Tepee is a perfectly good car though I'm sure that when I come to part-ex it for a new one in six months I'll have some thug of a salesman sucking his teeth and telling me that had it not been for my original colour choice of dark puke the car would have been worth considerably more !

Anyway, when my time for retirement came a couple of months ago I was informed that after forty five years of paying my 'stamp' I'd receive £110 per week and HOW, I would like to know, am I supposed to live on THAT ?

Of course Shirley gets some more on top for having worked two full years sometime in pre-history for which we are grateful and we could just about manage on that if we stopped eating and wasting fuel on heating, I mean ANY heating !

"SO what about a private pension? " I hear you shout !

Well, a brother of mine who worked in the industry offered me a commission-free one when I was forty which promised me £80 per week if I paid £50 a month for twenty five years .That monthly figure was three quarters of my mortgage then so if you could imagine yourselves paying out an additional monthly lump for twenty five years on top of your horrendous mortgage or rent payments now then you'll understand the pain !

But it was MUCH worse than that. His company's documents suggested that as it's predicted value of my £80 would have the buying power of the equivalent of £12 by the then day's standards I might like to consider upping my payments by a multiple of ten !

Well it was quite out of the question and I'm only glad that I'm able to carry on working full time and have actually never been busier !

But I genuinely weep for all of you in well paid jobs for I have seen your offtakes ! Quite dispiritingly scandalous !

Sally-part 134. THREE AND A HALF WEEKS FUSSING OVER TWO SPOILT CATS !

THEIR MAJESTIES DALAI...........

AND LAMA ! FUNNY THAT AS THEIR OWNERS HAVE GONE TO NEPAL !

Shirley has come in for a lot of stick throughout my entire Blog and she loves it !

No stick and I don't hear her laughing !

She is of course NOT the nightmare I make her out to be but a kind, long-suffering wife who will do anything for her children like give them my money or send me round to babysit or insist that I  go on holiday with them and without her !

Other men might suspect that she's playing away or at least up to something but I've caught no-one on the secret CCTV cameras I've installed, listened in to no suspicious calls on her bugged mobile, seen nothing on her laptop history which I check when she's asleep and found zilch in her diary, bag or pockets which I search every couple of days so I think she's just sick of me and wants time on her own to catch up on missed omnibuses of Coronation Street, Emmerdale and that Scandinavian Thriller that scares her witless and leads to her terrifying episodes of 'sleep paralysis' when she wakes in the early hours unable to breathe because a large Black man wearing a clown's suit is sitting on her chest ! ( See Part 115...Threatened With Death In Oban ! )

When my oldest son Jonathan and his new wife Jay asked Shirley months ago if she was available to pop into their house some six miles from us to feed their cats whilst they went on Honeymoon for nearly a month Shirley baulked and said she would do it occasionally if we weren't in Scotland at our place once the weather warmed up but that they would have to pay someone else to come in .

THE SUNSET FROM OUR SCOTTISH VERANDA !

I knew my wife well enough to expect her to do EXACTLY what she has done and that's to move into their house for the entire duration so that she could fuss over the two things even more than Jay does !

They are fed like Kings, watched over if they want to go outside and have their twin toilets cleaned out as soon as they've used them !

I go home to work after having a walk on the sea front and return at seven to buy another gorgeous Indian takeaway for supper ! 

ONE MINUTE FROM OUR TEMPORARY QUARTERS ! THAT'S ST.MARY'S LIGHTHOUSE, WHITLEY BAY .

In fact it's like a holiday for us too but with me being able to attend to my business at the same time !

THIS IS THE VIEW FROM MY STALL AT NEWCASTLE'S QUAYSIDE SUNDAY MARKET !

Now this IS a great way to live !

Sally Part 133. AN ANONYMOUSLY GREY MAN SPEAKS OUT ! If that's alright with you dear ?

Shirley uses me as her mouthpiece and battering ram when she's too scared to complain about something herself, which is several times a day and that's why people think she's always so sweetly patient and uncomplaining and that I am miserable !

She'll be sat with 'THAT LOOK' boring into the back of my skull! The look that ALL married men know whilst I stand with knees knocking facing up to some Harridan who really hates her job and me !

And that's why the WORLD thinks old men are miserable.....because they've been forced to humiliate themselves under orders from their  'BOSS' !

 Men like me are really calm and relaxed and I don't care about anything until a kick in the kidneys sends me sallying forth to put some foul receptionist in their place !

Take yesterday at Wallington Hall, one of Northumberland's most beautiful 18th century gardens which The National Trust has taken over and turned into a tourist attraction .

EVEN IN EARLY FEBRUARY THE SUN CAN MAKE THINGS LOOK GREAT !

After an hour's route march when it's impossible for me at six feet high to keep up with my fivefooter's mad dash, we like to have a cup of tea and a shortcake biscuit in the cafe !

She WON'T wait whilst I compose my photos and rushes on, often gently 'encouraging' me to quicken my pace a little !

Being mostly deaf, or so SHE thinks I pretend not to hear these hurlings and I ignore the looks of contempt for me from other women as they pass, delighted to have heard the yell ! Their husbands, without their wives seeing, generally pat me kindly on the arm and give me one of those looks which mean 'we're all in the same boat mate !'

Actually what we really like is a mug of coffee and the mightiest slab of cake each !

Shirley ALWAYS chooses the wrong cake and I end up having to swap and eat her dried up Chocolate Gateau whilst she gobbles up my deliciously moist Lemon Drizzle cake ! And I'm told how much I'm obviously enjoying it too as it blasts apart each time I try to stick a fork in it !

Despite not being poor we always get our card stamped which gives us, " One drink free for every nine bought !"

SEE ! I AM TELLING THE TRUTH ! A COMPLETED CARD WHICH HAS COST ME ABOUT TWENTY QUID !

THE CALM BEFORE THE STORM !

As she thrust the card at me with the instruction to not forget to get my 'stamp' we entered the place and I was ushered forward to the counter whilst she set off to try out several tables before settling for the one furthest away from anyone middle class or mothers and fathers with children or worse than that, middle class mothers or fathers with children !

Shirley knew that I was about to get the ninth symbol stamped and 'advised' me to get the super luxury huge mug of chocolate with extra marshmallows and cocoa powder for myself despite knowing that I only wanted a pot of tea  !

" My good woman!" I said authoritatively to the servant behind the cash desk, " As you will see, my card is about to have it's ninth symbol stamped ! Therefore if I pay for my good lady's filter coffee at one pound ninety pence first then I will have my gut busting mug of  two pounds fifty pence Chocolate Supreme for free !"

She didn't even sigh as after a lifetime's dealing with greedy well-heeled pensioners she simply sneered, "CHEAPEST one's free....Sir ! You'll have to pay for the Chocolate !" and rang up the £2:50 !

AND HERE IT IS ! YOU CAN'T ACTUALLY DRINK THE CHOCOLATE THROUGH THE MARSHMALLOWS AS THEY FORM AN IMPENETRABLE BARRIER AGAINST YOUR LIPS !

I loudly demanded to speak to someone in authority but was denied access and straightened my bristling back as I strode off tutting loudly and staring fixedly at Shirley who was desperately trying to look like she wasn't with me !

The room was silent with all eyes turned to me and all hearing aids turned to full volume to catch my humiliation !

OH PLEASE JUST LET ME SIT AND ADMIRE THE VIEW !

We're members of The National Trust which means we can visit any of hundreds of properties FREE once we'd paid our annual subscription of £90.

But did WE pay £90 ? OH NO ! Shirley who scans the Universe for loopholes and bargains discovered that if we took out SCOTTISH membership we could get it for £40 !

I have no idea why but we have to pretend to be Scottish wherever we go in England and I have to wear a kilt with my dreadfully skinny legs and when my sister-in-law from Spain illegally borrows my card her Spanish husband also has to talk with a Scottish accent which must confuse those slightly superior checkers at the gates !

I have DEMANDED all sorts of things at my wife's behest .

I have two specialities : getting hotel rooms changed about six times before we find one that she can spend a holiday week in or even just a single night if it's a Travelodge £10 'value deal' booked seven months in advance..... and returning wrongly priced items or invisibly bruised fruit to Tesco's 'Customer Service' counter !

When almost any issue is troubling her she will have a rant during which it is IMPOSSIBLE to get a word in and then just before her wildly swinging eyeballs burst, will growl and then attack me with , "Well ! You're not saying much ! Has the cat got your tongue or are you not man enough to have an opinion of your own ?"

Even if I do have an opinion which is completely at odds with hers and that is presuming I even care about what she's gone on about I will ALWAYS take the coward's route out and agree absolutely with her and express outrage at the matter !

Were I to DARE to disagree.....well it's not worth contemplating so I don't !

So if you see me in a hotel dining room or a restaurant you'll notice that like all the other husbands sat with their wives I'll be greyly silent and toying with my food, not daring to look up at all the other greyly silent and toying men !

If you do see a couple chatting and laughing, well they've just met on the internet and it'll only be a matter of time before the man joins our club !

AMERICAN READERS ! NORTHUMBERLAND, ENGLAND REALLY IS BEAUTIFUL !

Sally-Part 132. GOD I HATE OLD MEN !

Last year I joined my local Sports Centre to take advantage of an 80p over fifties reduction in the cost of a sauna and steam room ! Their scheme was falsely named Nifty At Fifty, a loathsome title for a load of lazy, grizzly old gits !

I went a few times but fell out with the staff who refused to serve me a Cappuccino for my free cup of coffee because they said I was out too early and should wait for the trolley with it's flask of yuk if I wanted a drink !

But I returned today and wished I hadn't !

I suppose old men are miserable all round the world but this lot were just depressingly dreadful and I sat surprisingly silent whilst they tore every issue to pieces !

Not one kind word ! Not one item that interested them or gave them any desire to discuss something interesting !

Just moan, moan, moan with the F word thrown in like bullets coming out a machine gun and not one man was under eighty !

I got up and walked out, went and had a fourth shower and slipped into the sauna where another set of even more angry men were at it again !

Actually, one man walked in and he was asked if he was OK and he replied and I'm not joking, " No actually I'm not ! I've had a camera up my backside and one down my throat ! My blood pressure's too high and they told me I haven't got Parkinson's after all but 'Boxer's Spurnt' so I've been on the wrong medication for years !"

I'm not sure what the second word was because they were all talking in the broadest Geordie but it meant he was 'Punch Drunk' !

I couldn't take any more as they each started retelling their own Sigmoidoscopy tales and this time I  got changed and left !

I bought Shirley a present on the way home of a packet of soft-centred humbugs and giving them to her promised I would NEVER EVER say another negative thing !

Doesn't mean I can't write them though !

And it doesn't mean I wouldn't have liked to have joined in as I agreed with every word they said !

Sally-Part 131. THE BEST BIRTHDAY PRESENT A MAN COULD EVER RECEIVE !

MY OWN PORTABLE TOILET ! YIPPEE !

Shirley wouldn't tell me what she was getting me for my 65th birthday two days ago !

Not even a hint !

Then the doorbell chimed out 'God Save Our Gracious Queen' and I opened the door to find a man just lifting this down from the back of his wagon !

You see for forty years we've only had one toilet and Shirley thought that as I got older if I had this in the garage then I wouldn't have to go upstairs any more which irritated her greatly every time I would walk in front of her, disturbing her whilst she was watching Omnibuses of Coronation Street, Emmerdale or The Bridge !

Thanks darling but how will you empty it with your bad back ?

Sally-Part 130. A SIMPLE HAIRCUT !

Yesterday after several weeks of being told I looked like our local tramp Mr.Smelly I went to have my hair cut at the shop Blyth Smartens, opposite our local football club Blyth Spartans .
I sat waiting for five minutes trying to look working class and ordinary by reading a really downmarket newspaper called The Sun .
I was hoping that the male owner of the place would finish first rather than the woman assistant as he's funny and very friendly but then I looked at his hair which was frankly a collapsed short Mohican with smart businessman overtones and thought that if he did that to me it would take two years to grow out at the sluggish rate my hair now grows !
But then I got the woman who didn't seal my neck properly, probably because it's too skinny and when she asked what I wanted she answered her question herself ! " Just a trim ? Ears cut around or not ?"
What's "Ears cut around?" I asked and she explained something technical that I didn't understand so I just said " Whatever YOU think looks best but please don't cut a straight line at the back across my real hair line as I know it's higher than any other man in the whole world and will make me look like the inmate of a mental ward !"
 She didn't smile !
Just pulled back a little harder on my 'cape' making me choke !
I had taken my glasses off so was as blind as a bat but sensed a general disapproval within her of having to 'do' me !
" Can I ask" she sneered, " Who normally cuts your hair !"
"Me !" I replied with pride in my voice, " Why? "
" Because it's AWFUL ! This bits an inch and a half longer than this bit, there's a bald spot here, this line at the back slopes down and this one slopes up ! Am I the first one to mention it ?"
" My wife happens to think that I do a brilliant job, better than ANY Barber ! And it's not only because I save six quid doing it myself ! She says that I'm a wonder and she'll never understand how a man can cut the back of his head blind so well staring into a flat mirror without his glasses on !"
I started to suspect that my wife might have said things to me that weren't completely true just to save that six quid and to stop me wasting time going to town where I could have met other women and had a fry up in The Tudor Restaurant ! ( SEE Part110:  How do wives just KNOW ?).
The hair cut continued in total silence and I never even got asked whether I was still working or where I was going on holiday ! It was THAT bad !
Still she did a good job and I made a grandiose and totally patronising gesture when I gave her a pound tip bowing my head slightly and saying, " Thank you my good woman and please take this and buy yourself something wonderful " !
She looked from the pound coin to me and back again several times and said nothing !
She couldn't bring herself to brush me down and just stood there with her eyes closed as I put my coat on and swept out of the silent shop itching terribly !
I think I heard a roar of laughter and several swear words relating to a body part that men don't have as I got into my car......... or it could have been my imagination !

Sally-Part 129. I THINK I'VE BEEN THE SUBJECT OF HOMOPHOBIA !

WHOEVER THIS ANGEL WAS SHE INSISTED ON SIGNING MY PETITION ABOUT THERE BEING TOO MUCH FEMALE FLESH ON SHOW

Let's get this straight from the beginning.....I'm straight !

I am a heterosexual male who has spent his entire life staring at women and wanting to take them out to dine and regale them with my enchanting tales about myself before letting them take me back to their place where they would beg me to bestow on them a solid three minutes of splendour after which they would cradle my sleeping head in their arms and thank God for their good fortune !

Is that straight enough ?

I am not what anyone would call a pretty man and certainly do not put myself out there hoping to attract the attention of other men !

Is THAT straight enough ?

I have been known to retch at the sight of sheer female ugliness but THAT is natural and not a sign of Gayness !

I did once draw up a petition against there being too much female flesh on show at my market but that was because of the number of young, fat, cellulited buttocks and thighs, both short and tall wearing very very high cut-off shorts at a music festival ! (see photo !)

What I think I'm trying to establish here is that at no time do I think I look or try to come over as Gay !

So I wondered yesterday about an incident that happened at market just before Christmas a few weeks ago.

Two of the friendliest stall holders who have now left Newcastle WERE Gay and I thought of them as no more than genuine friends and great blokes who were both very funny, well educated and charming ! It was always a pleasure to see them and I was really sad when they left !

One of their mothers accompanied by a man came up to me and introduced herself and handed me a Christmas card from her son and his Fiance .

It was a gesture that touched me deeply as I am generally really unlikeable and over the years have never before had anyone send me a Christmas card !

BUT....and here's the point, the man she was with stood well apart during the exchange, did not say hello or communicate with me in any way and I think I now know why !

He obviously thought that I was one of those aging and revoltingly predatory Gay men considered responsible by the world at large for the corruption of the young !

In other words he silently treated me with contempt and loathing because he just took it that I was a Gay !

I have come to the conclusion that I was at the receiving end of a Homophobic reaction and I want to know who I can talk to about this with regards to taking legal steps to sue for defamation of character !

Or is it all in my mind ?

Perhaps he wasn't with her at all !

Sally-Part 128 . MY NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS ! ( To be added to ! )

I  AM GOING TO TRY TO BE LESS IRRITATING TO SHIRLEY  FROM NOW ON THOUGH IT'S A BIT LATE FOR THAT AND I AM GOING TO TRY NOT TO HATE THE FOLLOWING THIS YEAR OR LET THEM TURN MY STOMACH..........

 Every single television chef !

Charity Appeals !

Faye Dunnaway's present teeth which I think she must share with Sharon Osborne !

'Celebrities' !

'Experts' !

News reporters standing in the middle of nowhere with nothing going on wittering on about the fact that there's nothing going on !

News reporters especially when they are so-called special correspondents like "Our flood correspondent " etc.

Old people !
Old people with walking sticks or Zimmer frames !
Old people who walk slowly and get in my way !
Old people who choke on their food in restaurants when they're sitting anywhere near me !
Old people who go to old people's special cinema shows and keep asking their partners what the actors say !
Old men who wear cut-offs !

Electric Wheelchair Drivers !

Electric Wheelchair Drivers in Supermarkets even more !

Able-Bodied Motability car drivers and especially the ones who park on double yellows with a car full of family who all get out and go for a leisurely shop with their bellies resting on their supermarket trolley handles !

Slightly skewiffed Motability drivers who are perfectly capable of living a normal life but have decided to milk the system ! They mostly park in a disabled bay, get out, put an unused walking stick over their forearms and march off lighting a cigarette before adopting a slight limp once they've remembered the DSS might be watching !

Vacuum cleaner's flex !

In fact, any flex !

Stephen Fry, Jimmy Carr,  their hideous cronies and the audiences who laugh at them !

All Chat Show hosts !

Kirsty Allsop !

Gary Barlow !

Louis Walsh and ALL other plastically enhanced  sad old idiots  !

Adverts !

The Paralympic Games which I can't watch without making dribbling noises and laughing my head off  !

Classic FM !

Every  DJ on every other Radio Station  !

ALL morning television presenters except Naga Minchetti !

My brothers !

My car which is really very good but looks like a Motability one !

You've Been Framed !

My legs ! Actually I don't think that they are THAT bad ! but I've been made to feel that they are horrible and so I won't wear shorts or cut-offs in public !

Men who wear shorts or cut-offs in public !

Men over nineteen with hair styles and 'fashionable' clothes !

Fat women in high heels and short skirts !

Botoxed women !

Shaven Havens !

Twerking !

That'll do to start with !

Sally-Part 127. ANOTHER NEW LIFE !

AUNTY GEMMA'S IN LOVE !

ALL SECOND COUSIN JAIME NEEDS IS THE RIGHT WOMAN AS HE'S A NATURAL !

" HELLO UNCLE JAIME ! BET THAT SURPRISED YOU !"

BRAND NEW, UNNAMED AND HANDSOME !

HE HAS NO IDEA HOW LOVED HE'S GOING TO BE !

Yesterday evening, Christmas Eve, I became a Grandfather for the third time when Janny produced her yet unnamed boy bunny out of her hat, aided by a scalpel-wielding surgeon and a day-long epidural !

SENT PACKING WITHIN 24 HOURS ! HIS GRANDMA SPENT AT LEAST A WEEK ON THE WARD !

And now I'm going to peel a mountain of spuds !

Funny thing......life !

Sally-part 126. "THEY WEREN'T ALLOWED TO WHAT ?" A BLOG WITHOUT PHOTOS ! BY LAW !

Yes Illinois, I know I haven't written a Blog for weeks but I have been and am just so busy making leather bags and purses for my stall that that's all I do for every waking minute of every day !

But yesterday I went to my eight year old's Nativity Play and my goat was got !

I had to sign a form that made me promise not to publish any photos or videos I took to the internet !

WHY ?

Well it's something to do with preventing divorced or separated or social-service-removed parents perhaps seeing their child on screen when they're not supposed to know where they are or some other codswallop !

WHAT ?

Or perhaps it's because pedophiles might be scanning all the Nativity Play films put on Facebook to catch a glimpse of a plastic doll !

Who knows but it drives me MAD !

One of life's great pleasures is watching your children and grandchildren taking part in these things and naturally you want to photo and video everything and show everyone and you CAN'T !

I'm so scared of having accusations of molestation fired at me that I hardly lift my eyes from the floor in case some over-zealous teacher or CCTV camera spies me watching somebody else's child sing !

So here's the solution...firstly dress all the children in large brown paper bags with tiny eye holes and then do the same with the audience or better still cancel all Nativity Plays or even better than that force ALL adults to be sterilized so that no-one can ever have children and then there won't be any need for schools and Nativity Plays !

Of course spacemen from another Planet will one day arrive here and try to work out why the human race suddenly ceased to exist !

Well I'm going to print out this Blog and seal it in a 'time-capsule' in my back garden with a big arrow  pointing at the burial spot  with a shovel placed conveniently nearby and they'll find it and if you can spare a moment you can just see the scene in your mind's eye....there'll be a group of them standing around listening to one of them reading this and they all be saying, " Are you serious ? Is this a joke ? They weren't allowed to WHAT ?

Sally-Part 125. THE BEST BONFIRE NIGHT EVER !

Dylan, my eight year old grandson and the boy I carried everywhere on my shoulders for his first six years was brought to me at market by his mother last Sunday so that she could have a night in a luxury hotel to celebrate her fifth wedding anniversary to her second husband.

He, Dylan and not the husband, though...... has become surly and argumentative and is now quite frankly more of a pain than a pleasure and thinks that any money he takes at my stall is HIS !

He slept at mine that night and argued his way through plates of food, gallons of his grandma's orange juice and a refusal to go to bed at a decent time !

It was Bonfire night on Blyth Harbour and we just managed to get there two minutes before the start of one of the most awe-inspiring experiences of my life !

By chance we stood about a hundred yards from the crowd in what turned out to be the very spot beneath where the fireworks exploded and no trip to see the hour long New Year's Firework Celebration in London could equal standing for twenty minutes in what seemed to be the epicentre of scores of exploding stars !

The sights and ear-splitting sounds were tremendous and we stood with about a dozen others in HELL before staggering back to our cars in silence because we were totally deafened by it all !

I'm not about to reveal exactly where we stood as we don't want hordes of you spoiling our view next year !

Talking to four parents of eight year olds in the playground the next morning I discovered that their children all also argue that black is white, say, "Whatever!" to any suggestions they make, refuse to go to bed at a decent time, take ages to get dressed, are ridiculously capable on their Ipads, extremely intelligent in class, continue to grow at a prodigious rate and have all become quite intolerable to live with, just like my grandson !

My taking him to school and being in the playground has become rare these days as he insists on going to school on his own and if you watch him swaggering there you'll see that he's got his jacket open, his hands in his pockets and the look of a sneering Mafia Boss about him !

He generally then approaches the first girl he sees and tickles her under the chin !

And they LET him !

And yet he still likes being read to sleep, mayonnaise squirted in individual blobs on his two eggy breads at breakfast and being made a bed in my room to watch my Shrek DVD from !

He won't be cuddled or kissed any more and it dawned on me that when his mother Gemma once asked me why we stopped kissing her at eight, she was exactly the same natured and it wasn't us who stopped kissing her !

In other words, he's growing up, just like all children do and is shifting into the next stage like scuba diving and windsurfing in Egypt .

And that's where we were last week, in a beach front hotel with views over the Red Sea and as much food and drink as you could desire !

Dylan did indeed learn to scuba dive and windsurf and took to them both without any trouble at all as well as quadbiking in the desert !

BUT despite his maturity and abilities way beyond anything I would have been capable of at his age he still wanted to be read to sleep !

So each night, worn out by the day's activities, he would lie and listen to Roald Dahl's 'The BFG' for about five minutes before we were BOTH sound asleep!

Well nothing's changed there then because that's exactly what used to happen when I read to my own children thirty years ago except then it was only me who fell asleep !

Sally-Part 124. NANNYING AGAIN IN EGYPT !

I am in pain from a pulled muscle at the bottom of my back caused by lifting my bag in the wrong way when I played golf yesterday and now I can barely stand up and so am going to spend the day sitting and being waited upon !

What darling ? I do that anyway ? That IS true actually !

It's really pathetic to watch me try to stand and walk and I now feel guilty about making Shirley cook my meals when her similar attacks have left her shouting out in an agony of Tourettian expletives !

FLYING OVER KOS GOING TO BOREDOM !

BORING !

BORING !

BORING !

BORING !

TEDIOUS !

BORING !

WHO COULD BE BOTHERED ?

JUST GET ME HOME !

A week ago today I was about to leave the 35*C heat of The Middle East and was facing a two hour wait in the airport before a six hour flight and then another one hour queue in England for passport control ! Yes ONE HOUR !

I was left on my own for half an hour in  a huge hall in Sharm airport whilst the others went to stare aghast at the ridiculously high prices in the Duty Free shop and order five slices of the most expensive pizza in the world !

I watched an armed guard standing nearby talking to two others about something seemingly important and with each of them talking earnestly into their walkie-talkies .

Suddenly they all started searching each of the three desks that stood in a row before them without finding whatever they were looking for and then staring at me and making me feel very insecure as the terminal is so large that I was literally sitting vulnerably on my own !

The boss one motioned an underling over to me with a very slight upward movement of his face and I felt immediately very unsafe and uncomfortable !

I sat up trying to look as undangerous as I could and as friendly as possible as the man motioned with his eyes towards the paper aeroplane I had made for my grandchildren and which we'd been flying around !

It was obvious from his actions of pretending to fly it that they wanted it !

I gave it to him not believing that I was about to watch three armed men playing aeroplanes and breathed again for the first time in three minutes !

He took it back to the others where the boss unfolded it and used it to write notes on as he talked into his phone !

Yes they had no spare paper in Sharm Airport !

The three men then went their separate ways leaving my aeroplane unfolded on the desk.

I knew that the children would wonder where their aeroplane was when they got back but daren't touch it until one of the guards walked back and I found myself thanking him for MY piece of paper !

I got it back though !

I have already refused to go on holiday with them again on the grounds that I was barely needed and I can't take the sun which burnt me on contact and made sunbathing unbearable but the real reason is that I can't stand the thought of spending another two weeks in such a beautiful place !

Sally-Part 123. TAKE ME NOW GOD !

I am shortly going to reach my 65th birthday which is ridiculous in itself and I woke up thinking about my seemingly total lack of achievements !

I have a very few 'O' levels which took three attempts anyway and no 'A' levels, no Degree and no qualifications of any sort !

And yet by marrying a woman who had all these and was prepared to go out to work even whilst pregnant whilst I did very little I eventually got round to the position I'm now in which is being busier than anyone would believe by selling my own home-made leather bags and purses at just one weekly Sunday market !

I own my own home and have no debts whatsoever AND money in the bank !

BUT am I in a worse position than those who have all the qualifications imaginable, big houses, fast cars, second, third and even foreign homes, time-shares, investment portfolios and money pouring in from private pensions ?

Well the obvious answer is YES but actually I'm not and here's why :

I have been able to choose my working hours, go on holiday whenever I wanted, watch my children play in sports matches and been available as their taxi service when others have NOT !

Our real problem is having watched our parents die realising that our own time is rapidly running out and the end isn't that too far away, always hoping we can remain fit until the plug is pulled !

What I face is no different to what the richest and most successful people in the world face and many of them will have left a trail of emotional devastation for their children who would have led lonely lives shut away in some grotty boarding school.

I look at my own three and can't honestly say that they are happy with their lot despite a great education and Degrees and excellent jobs !

So actually I haven't done too badly and my kids will have to sort themselves out !

MY END !

PS. It's November the seventh and I've just read an invitation in Aldi's magazine to "Extend the Christmas spirit into your bathroom with our range of festive toilet rolls !"

Take me now God !

Sally-Part 122. A QUADBIKING NIGHTMARE IN EGYPT !

I COULDN'T FIND A BURKHA SO I WORE THIS !

THE BUS TRIP TO OUR EXECUTION IN THE MIDDLE OF ABSOLUTELY NOWHERE !

AFTER FIVE SECONDS I WAS ALREADY WELL BEHIND !

THE ONLY TREE IN EGYPT !

WE SURVIVED AND ESCAPED !

I went Quadbiking in the Egyptian desert last week and I have never done a more pointless, more uncomfortably painful or boring thing !

I only went because I had once again allowed myself to be coerced into being my lazy daughter Gemma's nanny for the third time so that she and her whatever number husband could go scuba diving on day long boat trips or lie by one of the pools smoking one of those Hubbly Bubbly glass things and drinking vast amounts of 'local' vodka whilst I went mad trying to control her two feral children !

So after five days of mindless snorkelling watching myriads of multicoloured fish in every shape and size you could imagine in the transparent Red Sea under a clear blue sky, swimming in one of our hotel's ten beautiful pools, drinking and eating more than my skinny little body had room for and groaning as I was unable to avoid seeing the shameless young Russian beauties who cavorted all day around the pools and on the beach or who ate their meals in the dining room still dressed in their micro bikinis, I accepted the chance to escape !

I felt terribly sorry for my son-in-law who being so much younger than me looked tormented as he sensibly decided not to discuss what he'd seen with his wife ! He did however catch my eye a couple of times and I believe I heard barely stifled whimpers and saw steam coming out his ears on several occasions !

Frankly now that I've done it I'd rather have been forced to watch monstrously ugly and hairy female Russian shot-putters sunbathing in micro bikinis in the birthing position; a sight I ran into at every turn amongst the gorgeous, than have had to get on one of those absolutely dreadful motorbikes !

Why do the people who live in abject poverty in a super-heated fly-blown corrugated dust bowl think that soft Westerners want to pay good money for an hour or two of excruciating awfulness ?

There were a few highlights, not including the best thing of all which was when it finished!

The first was after five minutes when driving in agony at the back of our group at speeds up to ten miles an hour I saw a shack appearing through my slitted eyes and the whirlwind of choking dust and prayed that it was the halfway point where we'd stop for a drink !

For once I really wanted to be short changed and be ordered off the bikes as the ride was finished but no it was still just the start!

And we didn't stop for a well-deserved drink ! It WAS just an abandoned shack or more probably someone's home !

It took me some time to realise that I had to accelerate beyond ten miles an hour to smooth out the apalling hammering my backside was getting and stand up when I hit the largest boulders so that my legs could absorb the worst of the collision forces!

The four other bikes were miles ahead of me and how the two with children on their fronts managed I'll never know !

Apparently, Daniel, 3 and tied to his Dad with a Bedouin scarf fell asleep even as his helmet continuously whacked his father in the chest !

And Dylan, riding shotgun to Jaime loved every second !

Our guide who incidentally rode the entire trip standing up on one side of his bike eventually stopped us after an eternity at the ONLY tree in Egypt and getting us to dismount lined us all up in it's shade where we were immediately covered by nasty biting flies !

Of course I'd had to nip off for a wee as soon as we stopped as my kidneys had had such a pounding that they'd vibrated their entire contents into my bruised bladder !

Ahmed, our leader said in his heavily accented English, "Now my friends, I want you to trust me ! Do you trust me my friends ? Will you all shut your eyes for me ?"

( Sound of shuffling feet and mumbled  " I'm not shutting my eyes to get machine gunned in this Godforsaken place !" )

"Come my friends, shut your eyes ! I have a special treat for you !"

( Sound of more shuffling feet and more nervous mumblings enhanced by the sounds of the release of intestinal gases not already released by the ride ! )

"I promise that you will be amazed ! And you Daniel (3) my friend, shut your eyes too !"

I hoped they'd shoot Daniel first so he wouldn't have to see our heads blown to smithereens !

I squinted my eyes and pressed play on my video camera and worked out how to fall on it so that the NATO soldiers finding our bodies would be able to see what had happened !

Then we heard, "When I count to three I want you all to shout 'EGYPT !" as loudly as you can ! So ONE TWO THREE.....EGYPT !"

We shouted and opened our eyes and heard a faint echo !

"There ! Do you hear my it friends ?...an ECHO ! Let's do it again ! ONE TWO THREE.....EGYPT !"

I don't want to swear but for ***** sake, do these people think they're dealing with morons ? Don't they know that we have echoes in our own countries ?

We remounted and staggered on towards an abandoned settlement where one emaciated camel with a couple of tatty bits of coloured wool attached to it's saddle was tied to a stake and an equally emaciated slave served us overpriced Coke and a miraculous drink called TEA (again I repeat 'for ***** sake' !) where our guide kept leaping on the poor devil and beating him up whilst the poor lad laughed in terror ! (That's true!)(( Very much like I did at school when I was regularly beaten up by the school bully !))

Here our guide apologised for boring us with his life history after telling us about his attempts to escape from Egypt into Italy via Libya where the Libyan soldiers repeatedly electrocuted him and beat him up for a year before throwing him back across the border !

He showed us the appalling scars on his body where they'd taped the electrodes, though thankfully we were not treated to a view of his testicles and he continued with his history for another hour !

We eventually decided to make a break for it and ran for our bikes and tore back to the base camp where we whipped off our facemasks and helmets and dived for our bus which we threw ourselves onto laughing hysterically about electrocutions in the Libyan desert and desperately wishing we had been THERE and not where we were !

And THEN another man came on our bus and made us buy photos of ourselves as souvenirs !

NEVER AGAIN !