Yesterday after several weeks of being told I looked like our local tramp Mr.Smelly I went to have my hair cut at the shop Blyth Smartens, opposite our local football club Blyth Spartans .
I sat waiting for five minutes trying to look working class and ordinary by reading a really downmarket newspaper called The Sun .
I was hoping that the male owner of the place would finish first rather than the woman assistant as he's funny and very friendly but then I looked at his hair which was frankly a collapsed short Mohican with smart businessman overtones and thought that if he did that to me it would take two years to grow out at the sluggish rate my hair now grows !
But then I got the woman who didn't seal my neck properly, probably because it's too skinny and when she asked what I wanted she answered her question herself ! " Just a trim ? Ears cut around or not ?"
What's "Ears cut around?" I asked and she explained something technical that I didn't understand so I just said " Whatever YOU think looks best but please don't cut a straight line at the back across my real hair line as I know it's higher than any other man in the whole world and will make me look like the inmate of a mental ward !"
She didn't smile !
Just pulled back a little harder on my 'cape' making me choke !
I had taken my glasses off so was as blind as a bat but sensed a general disapproval within her of having to 'do' me !
" Can I ask" she sneered, " Who normally cuts your hair !"
"Me !" I replied with pride in my voice, " Why? "
" Because it's AWFUL ! This bits an inch and a half longer than this bit, there's a bald spot here, this line at the back slopes down and this one slopes up ! Am I the first one to mention it ?"
" My wife happens to think that I do a brilliant job, better than ANY Barber ! And it's not only because I save six quid doing it myself ! She says that I'm a wonder and she'll never understand how a man can cut the back of his head blind so well staring into a flat mirror without his glasses on !"
I started to suspect that my wife might have said things to me that weren't completely true just to save that six quid and to stop me wasting time going to town where I could have met other women and had a fry up in The Tudor Restaurant ! ( SEE Part110: How do wives just KNOW ?).
The hair cut continued in total silence and I never even got asked whether I was still working or where I was going on holiday ! It was THAT bad !
Still she did a good job and I made a grandiose and totally patronising gesture when I gave her a pound tip bowing my head slightly and saying, " Thank you my good woman and please take this and buy yourself something wonderful " !
She looked from the pound coin to me and back again several times and said nothing !
She couldn't bring herself to brush me down and just stood there with her eyes closed as I put my coat on and swept out of the silent shop itching terribly !
I think I heard a roar of laughter and several swear words relating to a body part that men don't have as I got into my car......... or it could have been my imagination !
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