SALLY...PART 232. I CAN'T ACTUALLY REMEMBER EATING !

Did I eat and if so when did I eat what I can't remember eating ?

Did I have breakfast before I went to school and if I did who gave it to me and what was it ?

I know I was collected for lunch but what was I given before being taken back to school ?

I think I probably ate crumbs as I had no flesh on my bones and nor did my brothers until the youngest came along when I was ten and my mother took advantage of the newly opened Wimpy Bar and fattened him up on them and he went on to develop ulcerative colitis !

I remember sugar sandwiches ! Brilliant for a growing child eh ? And in a doctors house too ! Mind you my father had no breakfast, a cup of milky coffee at eleven after surgery and nothing until my mother eventually somehow managed to conjure up a plate of roast potatoes and cabbage at about eight in the evening which he mashed together into a mountain and ate with no meat whatsoever and probably whilst smoking one of the forty plus Players cigarettes he smoked every day and ruined my lungs with !

I have a keen sense of a treat being getting taken to a Southend on Sea cafe where we ate buttered toast washed down with Coca Cola !

So that's my childhood neatly set out in food for you !

There was no fish, no bacon, no Full English or kedgeree or anything containing goodness but I do remember that my father developed a large paunch so was he secretly eating out ?

I don't know but I DO know that when Shirley says that I MUST remember more, I DON'T !

Right so let's carry on next time with more things I have no memory of !

SALLY...PART 231....IT'S TIME TO START TELLING THE TRUTH !

 

Shirley said I should leave the following generations at least a glimpse into what my childhood was really like so here goes !

I was born in Forest Gate in North East London in January 1949, the third of five sons of the local NHS Doctor whose practice was based in the front room of our house, a room we never entered unless it was for injections from a huge glass syringe and monstrous needle that got used for everyone and which lay in a cracked enamal dish covered in disinfectant when it wasn't causing terror !

These, you must bear in mind are my very hazy recollections !

My mother basically lived in 'the cloisters', the family name for a covered walkway between our house and the neighbours which contained hugely long coat racks with every coat that had ever been owned hanging mouldering from them and which were still there in 2001 when we sold the house, a stinking gas geezer, a washing machine with a mangle on top, three huge Dublin sinks with open drains under them and a HORRIBLE toilet at the end with an old fashioned virtually unflushable cistern high up near the ceiling which I dreaded having to visit !

Along the route to the toilet were two ancient wooden multiple washing lines that were always full of dripping clothing and sheets and which were raised and lowered by ropes that passed through rusted squealing pulleys and which were tied to the wall on double ended hooks you never see these days !

The floor seemed to be perpetually full of baskets of laundry and the sinks full of soaking clothing with the taps running permanently to rinse every trace of life from the fibres !

My mother stood losing control of this empire until it was time to take a break and prepare the meals that were inedibly unpleasant and scarred my infant mind !

I think this autobiography is going to take some time to write !

 

SALLY...PART 230. "YUK ! WHAT'S THAT DISGUSTING SMELL ?"

 "YUK ! What's that disgusting smell ?" Shirley demanded forcefully as she lit the grill above her mountainous pile of reeking red onions and finely sliced mature cheddar cheese she'd placed upon a slice of late dated 50/50 Warburtons finest and which she'd forgotten to light ten minutes before because some missing items from 'Click And Collect' had distracted her !

"I have no idea !" I said but then I barely smell anything these days so I genuinely had no idea and anyway didn't care as I was watching a mechanic replace the brake lines on a Rolls Royce whose interior had been COMPLETELY destroyed by racoons !

"It's GROSS !" she continued, and how CAN you carry on watching 'no marks' people doing brainless stuff on cars you'll never own ?" 

I had no answer to that and so stayed silent rather than start an argument about Scandi Noirs !

"It's got to be YOU ! What have you got on ?" She can be a bit intimidating when her bloods up...it rarely isn't !

"Nothing ! Pears soap if anything !" I wheedled.

"Did you use hand gel at Asda ?" she demanded, staring with hatred at my hands !

"Yes !" I stuttered, "I mean no, it was Poundland !"

"Well that explains it then, the cheapskates ! Never use it again OK ?

"OK!" and I tried to continue to watch my programme whilst looking at her because she doesn't like NOT being looked at when she's talking !

"Tea's gone up a penny !" she huffed and tutted as she walked her singed feast through to her morning settee !

SALLY...PART 229. WHY CAN'T I JUST STOP LYING TO SHIRLEY ?

 Perhaps it was my broken camera that woke me at 4am today, knowing that I'd have to find some way to justify buying a new one but as I'd buttered up my wife pretty well over the last few days with any number of pathetic sighs, general sadnesses, listlessness, making my own late night peanut butter sandwiches, eating my Marmite crisps in my room so that the smell didn't revolt her and offering to wash up the airfryer, I was sure I could pull it off !

"Don't even think of going until you've phoned them to make sure that they have the exact camera you think you saw there but I'm telling you this you didn't because why would PC World offer such a huge discount without advertising it on the internet oh no is an 0348 number free and use my phone not yours god why don't these people have a phone number right let me check again give me that number TZ100 well it says £539 in Amateur Photographer so how come you say you saw it for £249 you were obviously looking at a completely different model and anyway if it was the model you were looking at three days ago the offer won't still be on and you will have wasted six miles of diesel so just forget it !"

YES...NOT A BREATH TAKEN THERE !

It is actually impossible to talk to anyone at Currys PC World so I defiantly went and my camera WAS there and it WAS discounted and I DID buy it !

Keeping my face looking defeated once I got home has always been a problem when lying to my wife as my body goes into weird spasms as I fight to keep my face downcast !

"Well you were right ! What a waste of time and I can only apologise for not listening to you in the first place !" I groaned world wearily as she smirked in triumph !

"So what do you have to say now eh ? £249 for a TZ100, you must have imagined it ! Now stop sulking and get the front bush trimmed !"

It was at that point that happiness broke through and I produced my new toy !

"You are an arse !" She said with half an eye on the Scrabble box as she prepared herself for her next overwhelming victory !

SALLY...PART 228 ! "TURN THE LIGHT OFF OR IT'LL SEE US !"

SADLY NO PHOTOS !

ACTUALLY, WHY SPOIL THINGS ? JUST STRIP US MENTALLY WHILST READING THE FOLLOWING STORY !

When I went up to bed last night I quickly became aware of one of those HUGE lazy black flies which flew into Shirley's large round paper lantern which has hung a little dustily from the ceiling rose for the last twenty years so I hatched a cunning plan !

I climbed, wearing my outdoor shoes, onto her pristine bed and carefully eased the wire from behind those nasty sharp wire things that hold it and slid back onto the floor and towards the window to shake it out...but forgot that to open the window I would first have to open the very stiff, very old secondary glazing that I bought second hand very cheaply and fitted myself thirty years ago !

So using ALL my strength on the almost immovable sliding part I moved it aside only to be faced with a LOCKED main window which I'd fitted with one of those almost useless locks that any burglar could get through in ten seconds and into which you insert a key to unwind it but I did it, opened the window and held the lampshade outside and felt the wind from not only the fly's wings as it flew back into the house but also the wind from a Daddy Long Legs and a moth which seized the opportunity to get in to investigate our very old mercury filled long life light bulb Asda sold us for 10p fifteen years ago because we were brainwashed into doing our bit for energy conservation and which gives out a depressingly low level of light !

I still thought it a good idea to give the lampshade a shake to get rid of the dust and watched in horror as great clouds of it came away for a good five minutes and the paper disintegrated before my eyes, leaving me holding the metal bit hanging on by a thread !

Having said goodnight to my wife who was still downstairs I called out as I descended the stairs to warn her I was returning because she HATES me returning once I have said goodnight and left the room....no I don't know why either !

I explained the problem but lied about the fly being gone and went through to my room to sellotape the totally wrecked shade with slightly less than an entire roll of Poundland's worst ever tape !

Twenty minutes later I retraced my steps, passing my wife who was delaying going to bed because she knew she wouldn't be able to sleep for more than an hour and twenty minutes once she went as her waking hours are now approaching twenty two hours, not counting the many naps she has during the day !

The fly was nowhere to be seen and I prayed it had left of it's own accord and went to my bed to read before nodding off for my customary nine hours !

Shirley must have come up at some point because I was awakened by the scream of death and leapt naked to save her !

She too was naked....in the bathroom and pointing hysterically at the blackened window where the fly apparently was but which I couldn't see because I'm rubbish at seeing black things against black things !

"It's THERE you idiot !" she screamed, quivering behind me and pointing as far as I couldn't see, at nothing !

"Turn the light off or it'll see us !"

I briefly wondered if she was worried that a large and lazy black fly might vomit at the sight of two naked seventy year olds looking for him with the light off !

I was too tired to argue or try to fathom out that bit of logic !

"KILL IT, you useless man, it's THERE !", pointing somewhere else ! "No THERE !", pointing somewhere else again !

I soon became disoriented as her screams, the fly's non-appearance and exhaustion started to overwhelm me !

"Can you just get out of here and let me do what a man has to do Shirley ?" I pleaded !

"No because you're blind and deaf and nothing without me...THERE IT IS ! KKKIIILLLLLL IIIITTT !!!!"

And finally I smote it a stunning flick with my personal towel and it lay dazed between the grandchildren's toothbrushes !

"Grab it ! Squash it ! KILL IT !" she cried out again and I did so in six pieces of toilet paper as I don't like the sound or feel of popping flies and went to throw the carcass out of the window !

"NNNNOOOO ! Do not open the window you idiot, you'll let them all in ! Put it down the toilet !"

So I did and flushed but the thing's body remained floating on the water until I'd flushed it again !

I staggered to my bed and as I lay there heard Shirley flushing the toilet three more times which she'll note when she checks the water usage on the water meter shortly !

And then this morning I noticed the Daddy Long Legs lying drowned in the bathroom sink beside Shirley's flannel and chose not to mention it to her after I'd thrown it out !

SALLY...PART 227 ! SHIRLEY CALLED OUT, "DON'T FORGET, NO UNSOCIAL DISTANCING !"

"AND HE'S ON HOW MANY TABLETS ?" A FRIEND AND MY WIFE HAVING A GOOD LAUGH AT MY EXPENSE !

Although I'm still working flattish out there's no question that I have put on weight just under my chest and above my hips !

I don't yet have what even polite people call a 'gunt', a term not too hard to work out and Joe Wicks has been of no use whatsoever in preventing its appearance so I have taken matters into my own hands by cycling at least a mile a day and doing so slowly so as not to tire myself out !

Today I went to the chemist to get my stuff and I'm pretty sure it's that stuff given to me to keep me alive that is killing me...statins being the latest...even the former head of heart surgery and a pioneer in transplants with whom I played golf refused to take them !

As I set off I heard the familiar sound of the front patio doors squawking open and knew that more instructions were about to be given !

"NO unsocial distancing and don't go in if anyone else is in as I need you to carry on earning !" is what I might have heard if I had listened but as I didn't I'm only guessing !

I cycled along my road which had no cars in it or people on the pavement, cut through to the tarmac paths that lead across the playing fields, seeing no-one, cut through to the next main road which was deserted, shot up to the shop which had no-one outside or in it, padlocked my old unattractive, relunctantly donated small man's bike to the same fence from which Shirley had had her beautiful gold unpadlocked ladies bicycle stolen from on the morning of 9/11 and carefully looked around me, noting that there wasn't a soul to be seen !

I entered the shop where a terrified looking assistant came forward with my bag and demanded my postcode from behind several clear plastic face shields, and several yards behind a huge plastic shield fitted around the counter and which oddly finished halfway across the shop thereby negating any protective purpose it might have served !

She dropped my order onto the counter and ran back to her solitary work station, a tiny cramped place where SIX assistants normally stand shoulder to shoulder ALL day long and shouted, "NOW GET OUT ! SHOO ! QUICKLY !"

I sauntered to the door wearing a casual sneer, exited, saw no-one, mounted my steed, rode the entire way home without seeing another human and found my wife, startled by my speedy return, wiping the remains of her daily red onion and cheese on toast off her almost non existent lips which both she and I have found to be THE perfect foodstuff for guaranteeing social distancing betwen us !

"GOOD GOD you were quick ! Did you stay socially undistanced ?"

"It's socially DIStanced and yes I did and there wasn't even a dog walker out !"

"Get the Scrabble out then...it's time for your thrashing !"

And she won for the seventh out of the last eight times !

SALLY...PART 226 ! DANIEL THE TEN YEAR OLD ARACHNOPHOBE, TECHNICALLY, NEVER SHUTS UP !

HEADBUTTA AGED THREE AND WHO NOW AGED TEN HASN'T 'ACCIDENTALLY' HEADBUTTED ANYONE AT SCHOOL FOR MONTHS, ONLY BECAUSE SCHOOL'S SHUT !

You have to go into a yogic state of mind if you are to survive a session with Daniel, 10, who technically (his favourite word apart from 'yeh ?' when he's describing something, ANYTHING, to whoever will listen to him !) never shuts up so I took a deep breath before opening his front door to collect him for a bike ride yesterday afternoon !

HIS LOVE OF PEPPERAMI STARTED EARLY !

I DID NOT go in because of this STUPID virus thing and simply called out his name, "Daniel, are you coming for a bike ride ? Daniel ! DANIEL ! DDAANNIIEELL !"

"I'm just getting dressed !" he called from a long way away.

"It's FOUR O'CLOCK, why aren't you dressed ?"

"I've been doing my homework !"

Now if one good thing has emerged from the schools being shut it's the fact that Daniel's HUGE brain has not been getting him into detention and he hasn't 'accidentally' headbutted any other child for several months now and instead has produced work of a remarkably HIGH standard on his own !

He appeared in his porch with an UPTURNED pint glass and a bit of scrunched up paper.

"What's that for Daniel ?"

"There's a spider under my trainer and I'm an arachnophobe !" he said, pushing the shoe with one foot outstretched, at which a REALLY fast small spider ran straight back under it !

He simply couldn't coordinate his brain, his foot and his two hands to catch the thing so I said, "Put the paper down as it's no use to man or beast, get your glass down near the trainer and as you move it quickly trap the spider under it." which he did easily and then carefully slid a card under it and carried the creature safely outside to a bush where he triumphantly released it having told me he was an arachnophobe a hundred times during the operation !

I BET HE COULDN'T HAVE DEALT WITH THE ONE IN MY GARAGE !

He then led me two miles to the beach, talking the whole time about cat based simulated war games, not stopping to take a breath as he leapt off sand dunes, smashed rocks and didn't seem bothered by the fact that I repeatedly fell asleep whilst doing my best to follow his detailed descriptions !

I seem to remember that the cats were naked and the female ones held their spears over their 'centreealised parts' !

DANIEL TALKING NON STOP AT THE SAME AS LEAPING !

He wouldn't eat a Jaffa Cake or packet of crisps I'd taken for a picnic and he wouldn't accept my money to go into a shop on the way to get some sweets because he's determined to cut his body fat down from 6%, or perhaps not let it rise above it, and he wants to get his stomach muscles 'ripped' although he had eaten three bread sticks and two pepperami for lunch !

"That's not a proper lunch Daniel !"

"Well normally I cook myself an omelette but I was too busy and forgot !"

He was probably painting yet more of the hundred War Hammer models he's made !

TALKED TO DEATH AND DEFEATED BY THE FIVE YEAR OLD CHESS MASTER WHO REFUSED TO USE A BOARD !

He's TEN for God's sake and I really want to be around to see what he becomes, perhaps a politician as he already resembles one of my least liked Ministers, Michael Gove !

NOTHING IS BEYOND THIS BOY AS YOU CAN SEE FROM THIS MODEL OF THE EIFFEL TOWER WHICH HE BUILT AND WIRED UP WITHOUT ANY HELP !

SALLY...PART 225. SHIRLEY'S FALLEN OFF HER BIKE AGAIN !

It's only two years since her last fall and that one was caused by her trying to ride over soaking wet, slippery as ice railway tracks set into the cobbles at the harbour over a hundred years ago !

I wasn't there as I'd had to get back for some reason that now totally escapes me but when she got home, battered and bruised she said it was so instant that she hadn't even been able to put out a hand and went straight down onto one side leading to months of pain and even a visit to the doctors after about six weeks !

Fortunately her injuries did not prevent her from cooking my dinners otherwise I'd have starved to death by now !

Apparently two men stood nearby saw the whole thing and DIDN'T even help her up or ask her if she was alright which was SO kind of them !

So last night as we idled home from the beach along a sixfoot wide tarmac path with me in my customary Prince Philip position just behind her and unable to understand a word she was muttering between her clamped jaws....and I don't need to be behind her on a bike not to understand what she mutters to me between her clamped jaws....I was suddenly aware that her front wheel had fallen off the path and leapt down a quarter of an inch cliff onto the grass and as if in slow motion this was followed by the slowest crash you have ever seen as first one leg went out to rebalance her and then the other, with the bike twisting beneath her throwing her off to the left, that is back onto the path where she landed on her hands, one knee and then sort of gently onto her right cheek as gravity and momentum took over !

I leapt off my steed and was at her side before all her body parts had stopped rebounding against one another, reminding me of a wave breaking against a sea wall !

I got her up and sat her back on her saddle after checking that there were no bones sticking out of anywhere and off we went with her saying, "I must have stopped concentrating for a second there when I was telling you something and anyway it's not stiff enough !"

"What isn't ?"

""My handlebars or the wheel or something ! My old bike that was stolen from outside the Co-op on the day of  9/11 was much stiffer !"

"I'll have a look tomorrow !"

"Don't bother ! I'm never riding a bike again !"

"But what if we go out and buy you a new one tomorrow when all the non-essential shops reopen after the lockdown !"

"No we won't because I'm never going into a shop again !"

"Why not ?"

"Because I NEVER go shopping because I always send you with your little lists and your trolley and haven't been in one for twenty years and I'm not starting again now just to catch the virus !"

"The virus has gone !"

"Oh, you're an expert now are you ?"

"No but I just know...you'll see !"

"You're an idiot !"

"There is that !" I said, wondering how bonkers she would go if I turned up with a new bike for her...and a helmet !

ANOTHER CARD TRICK FROM THE CELLAR GONE SLIGHTLY WRONG !

SALLY...PART 224. THE LOCKDOWN AS SEEN FROM A BLACKBIRD'S NEST !

YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO BELIEVE  THAT THE NEST IS IN THE BUSH BESIDE THE TRAMPOLINE !

May 11th 2020. Day 77

I haven't stepped out of my house since this self isolation started except to drive to my daughter's house in the first couple of days to pick up some shopping left outside her front door and you might expect us to be going off our heads but we're NOT...honestly !

WAITING TO BE PLANTED OUT

We're tanned because we've had weeks of hot sun and sat or laid in our completely sheltered garden soaking up the sunshine !

CORNFLOWERS AT THEIR BEST !

I eventually stopped working because I wanted to learn the piano and I can now play it brilliantly, as far as I'm concerned, so I was a bit shocked when Shirley walked into my room last night at nine and shouted, "FOR GOD'S SAKE GET BACK TO WORK !" and stormed out shouting to the moon, "If I have to listen to you playing 'To A Wild Rose', 'The Swan' or 'Fur Fucking Elise' once more I WILL go mad !"

I knew in my heart that she was right and returned to my table and picked up my Stanley knife before immediately putting it down again because I'd forgotten to do my ten minutes of 'Joe Wicks' or my ten minutes of chest expanders either !

ONE OF THE MINUTE JUMPING SPIDERS THAT LIVE ON THE BRICKWORK

Sat once again today in our red hot garden I thrashed her at our daily dose of excitement, a game of Scrabble, aware that the female blackbird nesting in the bush flew straight at us whenever she left her nest to seek food for her babies, apparently determined to scare us off whereas the male flew off avoiding us completely.

HERE'S THE FATHER STARING US OUT, IMPERCEPTIVELY SHAKING HIS HEAD IN WONDER AS WE SAT ARGUING ABOUT NOTHING  !

"HE'S been gone a long time !" Shirley said, irritated by my sitting there with my trigger finger poised waiting to take a slowmo of the bird's comings and goings.

"He's probably having a chat !" I quipped light heartedly.

"Why do you always have to say something stupid ?" I was asked and not for the first time.

"I was just being funny !" I replied.

"Well you're not !" she said and not for the first time either !

" If  I hadn't done the dirty on your brother forty nine years ago when you turned up sniffing around on my doorstep with your tight blue trousers with the large red fly buttons on the outside we wouldn't be sat here arguing now !" she sighed.

"Correct, if I hadn't done the dirty by nicking you from my brother the moment I set eyes on you you'd be sitting here with my brother instead !"

"Hm !" she said, quite annoyed, knowing if only she could admit it that she'd made the right choice !

MEANWHILE...down the garden the lady blackbird said to her husband, "Those two ! Do they EVER stop bickering ? If there's another lockdown next year I'm not nesting in THIS garden again so you'd better keep your eyes open for somewhere else d'you hear ?"

"Yes dear", he replied, vomitting up some partially digested worms for the chicks !

SALLY...PART 223. THERE ARE NONE SO BLIND........

I had to return to my Dispensing Optician today to ask him why my left eye is off a bit and he demonstrated to me that with one lens fine and one with a little cataract building up they could only make one eye perfect whilst the other remained a little hazy at long distances !

"It's all to do with the cataract not allowing an image to focus on the retina !" he said, illustrating his words with a similar drawing to mine.

The clear lens at the top allows the image to focus onto the retina whereas the cataract in the lower sketch won't allow a sharp image to focus on the retina but just in front of it ! My readings of 66 and 675 mean NOTHING to me !

Anyway I showed this sketch to my wife this evening once I'd got her to briefly look up from the latest ScandiNoir !

"Are you saying that the pupil is a hole ?" she asked, with her eyes on her screen !

Shirley didn't know that the pupil was a hole that light rays passed through !

 "Yes !" I replied incredulously.
 
"I never knew that !"

"You never knew that the pupil was a hole that light passed through ?"

"No."

"Well how did you think that light got through to your retina ?"

"I don't know, I've never thought about it !"

I am now back in my room and it occured to me that when we first met I pointed romantically at the full moon as we lay on Brighton beach listening to waves breaking on the shore and said, "I think he's smiling down on us tonight !"

"There's a man in the moon looking at us ?" my then girlfriend asked !

"Who's looking down at us ?" she said, sitting up and destroying the atmosphere I'd spent at least a minute building up !

"The man in the moon !" I murmured, urging her to return to a more comfortable prone position !

"There's a man in the moon looking at US ?" she asked, refusing to lie back down !

"Of course there's a man in the moon, look, there he is !"

"Well I've never seen HIM before !" she said after putting on her glasses which I didn't know she needed !

I could have walked away but I had other things on my mind !

My wife continued to watch her programme and I went back to sewing THIRTY SEVEN wallets !

SALLY...PART 222 ! COOKING MY OWN BREAKFAST !

Waiting for an untrackable parcel of zips is a pain as my doorbell is INSIDE my porch so no one knows it's there and Shirley can't STAND having to keep an eye and ear open for a man who doesn't realise that our doorbell is hidden so I had to cook my own breakfast today and how hard can that be ?

Ignoring all dictated recommendations I poured FAR too much oil into the smallest frying pan, heated it up FAR too high and then threw three frozen thick Richmond sausages into it without first pricking them which of course is impossible to do when they are as hard as iron !

Amazing how far boiling oil can travel isn't it ?

I then opened the window and fanned furiously to get the worst of the smoke out and reached for four tomatoes which I couldn't be bothered to slice and threw THEM in with the sausages too !

Amazing the force an unsliced tomato thrown into a mixture of boiling oil and sausage fat can explode with isn't it ?

I then used wet tea towels to seal the gaps in the door that divided the kithchen from the lounge where my wife's now muffled shouts were coming from !

I next carefully opened the tin of baked beans that we had been hoarding for when Coronavirus strikes and found that had I read the label I would have seen that sausages were a part of the contents so I carefully spooned them out into a dish and covered them with a few spare beans, covered the whole lot with a tea plate and put it in the fridge ready for a snack later and microwaved just a portion of beans for FAR too long in a dish without a lid on it and as quietly as possible wiped out the inside surfaces of the machine whilst whistling loudly enough to disguise what I was doing!

Unfortunately if there's ONE thing that Shirley can't stand it's me whistling and her demand for me to cease did NOT sound very muffled !

Now anyone can fry an egg can't they ? Yes of course they can and mine was PERFECT because I'm not stupid !

Nor did I burn the two slices of toast THAT badly before joining Shirley in the lounge to eat whilst she continued to stare out of the window cursing any vehicle that drove into our road that wasn't 'our' delivery van !

In my man's mind I'm a good washer upper and even did the dry fryer or whatever it's called that Shirley had left in the sink unwashed because her thumbs, behind her knees and somewhere else I'd rather not mention and she doesn't want me to mention hurt !

Some time later I heard any number of tuts and got called back into the kitchen to be shown dried egg on my plate and dried fish on the dry fryer and told not to bother washing up ever again unless I could change my ways and do it as well as a woman can !

Some time later, 12:45 to be precise, when hunger drove Shirley into the kitchen to chop yet MORE onions to pile onto her cheese on toast that she had to eat as I was still too full to share a frozen curry she heard a faint banging on the door which turned out to be my zips which were about to be taken back to the depot for a second time because the man couldn't get a response from us or any of the neighbours !

I scrawled something on his phone screen that couldn't be used in a court of law to identify me as the recipient and we both sank onto the settee, exhausted by the day's tension !

That's me and my wife not me and the delivery driver !

SALLY...PART 221...1917..WHEN SOMETHING IS THAT BAD LISTEN TO ME...DON'T GO OK ?

I went on my own to see the critically acclaimed film 1917 this afternoon !

Shirley didn't want to go and although she suggest I waited until I could take Dylan, 14. I told her that there was no way I could relax and enjoy a serious film with him eating beside me for two hours solid because that is what he does at the cinema !

Actually everyone seems to these days and I suppose they have to if they are to maintain their morbid obesities !

I instantly sensed amateurism, that is within one minute and hated every following stupid CGI moment in it...so DON'T GO...OK ?

Bombs do NOT land and explode two feet behind, beside or in front of you and leave you running, they blow you to pieces and aeroplanes do not crash at your feet and leave you to go the well for a helmetful of water !

You do NOT jump into a river in full spate, get carried hundreds of yards downstream, come up for air for the fifieth time and three quarters dead go over a two hundred foot waterfall flowing at a similar rate to Niagara Falls in full spate, come up again and swim leisurely to the riverbank before climbing over a hundred rotting corpses and start running again after joining in a particularly annoying hymn about someone's MOTHER whilst your heavy twill uniform miraculously dries out...DO YOU ?

That might very well be my last visit to the flicks !

SALLY...Part 220. THE INVISIBLE MAN !

A SUPERFAN turned up today and was in the early throes of worshipping me when my wife walked into my room and started chatting to her and LIKE MAGIC, I became invisible !

It's not the first time this has happened as whenever more than one woman gathers around me I disappear !

It's not only women that have this effect as whenever my family visit I also could be non-existent !

My daughter and her mother totally talk right through me even when I have a valid point to make though neither of them obviously thinks so and my daughter always seems particularly keen to point out why no-one WANTS to listen to me !

The other day I ended up jumping up and down and screaming at them to shut up and listen to what I had to say, as I was a human with his own mind and opinions...but they simply carried on talking to each other...as if I was dead and didn't exist...actually simply as if I didn't exist and had never existed !

My sons also consider my views an irrelevance as does the entire rest of the world...but back to women !

I watch groups of them, especially Hen Parties, all talking and laughing at the same time walking towards my stall and try and spot which one is actually listening to any of the others or if it's only two which one can stop talking for long enough to hear what her friend is saying and I never succeed !

ARE any of you listening ?

Oh and my grandchildren don't even hear me speak unless I'm asking them if they want some sweets !

I generally get all this out of my system by going to market and talking about myself ALL day without caring whether anyone is listening or not which they're not...it's GREAT therapy and has so far kept me away from standing on street corners waving my fist and shouting at passing traffic !

Unfortunately I decided not to go to market today as the weather forecast was bad and this has led to a backwash of tension that is NOT good and whilst I was busy changing Shirley's bike's rear wheel inner tube hoping to somehow get into her good books and what a fool I am to even try, I heard the familiar COMMAND reverberating through three walls, "GET THAT BLOG OFF or at least change the bit about people you KNOW you can't insult ! What were you thinking of ? "

So I've removed that bit !

"And why is the butter out and not put away ?"

"Because it's empty, scraped clean to within an nanomillimetre of its life !"

"Not in my book it's not !"

Ah is that the rain approaching ?

I bloody well hope so !

SALLY...PART 219 ! MAN WASHES UP TEASPOON !

I mostly do NOTHING in my kitchen apart from making a mug of coffee because A) I have a relentless work schedule in my next door workshop and B) Shirley or my children could never STAND to eat anything I ever tried to cook and C) I use every implement in the place just to boil an egg and D) I use too much hot water to wash up and then don't stand the cutlery the right way up or the plates leaning the right way so I stay out !

HOWEVER, this morning I had to go and pick up Daniel who I'd been told knew how to turn his dishwasher on but dishwashers irritate me as I think that they make naturally lazy people even lazier !

Even Daniel at ten has no patience with me but DID show me how to place the soap in the slot and pour some rinsing aid into its pot !

He's clever but I still washed up my coffee mug and teaspoon in his sink as I'm pretty sure he would have criticised me if I hadn't !

I LIKE washing up and rinsing things PROPERLY and it's the same with ironing...I ENJOY it...and I enjoy HOOVERING, especially the EDGES !

I wouldn't even mind using a mangle which has no place in a modern home and which I remember watching my frazzled mother use, Sally of the Blog title, struggling to turn the handle as she wrecked her five sons' clothes in it !

I don't mind cleaning the toilet or the tiles or the mould that regularly reappears on the bathroom grouting, for which I keep an old toothbrush at the extreme left hand edge of the bathroom windowsill and it is a toothbrush that led to a bit of tension early this morning !

My own toothbrush sits on its own just to the right of the mould removal toothbrush and Shirley used MINE to clean around the base of the taps which is MY job !

I didn't mean to grab it out of her hand quite so aggressively and pointlessly as I wouldn't be using it again and this resulted in some quite beastly name calling and general tantrums as my explanation of which is the cleaning toothbrush didn't sink in and wasn't helped by the fact that there were two other old toothbrushes in the cleaning toothbrushes position !

I had NO proper answer to her questions of why I hadn't thrown the other two out and why I hadn't cleaned around the bottom of the taps in the first place which would have saved her having to do a job which wasn't hers to do !

She then threw 'Michael' back in my face and told me to get back to him before my life turned bleak once I'd been off Facebook for over five minutes !

She went back to bed because she now only sleeps for a minute and a half most nights, including getting up for three if not four wees during that time and I slyly went and cooked myself an eggy bread which I only burnt on one side !

Just as I had finished eating and gathered the twenty items I'd used to take to the sink Shirley reappeared, more irritable with me than ever because the noise of the spatula being placed quietly on the glued together cooking implement dish had woken her up and ordered me to get out as she couldn't bear to see the mess I'd make or pull out the settee and insert the bent handle to pull open the meter cupboard door to check the electric meter to see how much  electricity I'd use boiling three kettles for the washing up !

So now things have calmed down and I can get back to work before being summoned through for my daily thrashing at Scrabble !

SALLY...Part 218. THE BLOODY HUNT REVISITED ! https://davidnashleather.blogspot.com/2012/02/interludethats-all-i-need-bloody-hunt.html

THE SIGN MIGHT HAVE BEEN ALTERED SLIGHTLY BUT THE POSE IS GENUINE AS WE WAITED FOR NO ONCOMING TRAFFIC TO PASS AND THE LIGHTS TO CHANGE !

It's years since Shirley was terrified by the sound of The Hunt hurtling along the lane we were walking up back to the town on Lindisfarne and although The Hunt turned out to be a crowing cockerel and a yappy Jack Russell she was nervous as we set out on a freezing walk around the castle and back up a different lane !

BLINDING LIGHT AND A CRUEL WIND !

She wanted to walk even further, like a couple more miles but I went all brave and God knows where I dug that out of and insisted on a shortcut !

ALREADY QUITE SOME WAY AHEAD OF ME !

She's ALWAYS walked further than necessary or than is sensible for someone who generally doesn't do much long distance walking or anything else very physical as a rule and I dread things once I see her reading from her list of requirements and watch in horror as she gathers enough stuff to last a month in the Antarctic which I'm going to have to carry in an SAS sized rucksack as I plod wearily after her as she strides along in her Brasher boots whilst I struggle after her dressed in cheap unwaterproofed trainers through which I can feel every tiny pebble !

THE RECEPTION COMMITTEE LINED UP READY TO WELCOME THE FISHERMAN HOME !

As the gap between us grows longer and her demands fade thankfully into thin air I find myself staring at her quite short legs and wonder how she does it...she actually, at five feet, walks faster than I can at six feet !

I was skirting a beach when the unbelieveable happened, a REAL hunting horn blared out and I, normally calm, jumped out of my skin and ran forwards to catch my wife before she fainted clean away but she didn't appear terror struck because she realised that the blast was actually her incoming message alert tone on her ancient Iphone 4 which she had stuffed into my chest pocket !

I BELIEVE HE FELT LIKE ME !

It didn't help that I was wearing ear muffs and a thick woollen hat pulled right down to my eyebrows which made it impossible for me to place the sound accurately and also made it impossible for any passing woman to EVER fancy me ! Actually, wearing long white woollen gloves under my ski gloves and which stuck out creating a particularly uncool look also ensured no passing woman would fancy me, as did my second hand Wrangler jeans that have a waist band that continually slips down my backside adding to my overall look of something even a dog wouldn't drag in !

NO WIND ? WELL WHAT'S THAT THEN.....WITH BAMBURGH CASTLE IN THE BACKGROUND !

I bravely refused to sit on a damp beach whilst she reapplied her anti thigh rub gel and turned for home down a lane that lay under several feet of mud and puddles and slopped my way back to the Mead shop where I discovered that 'Dark' Mead is delicious and added several bottles to the rucksack that had rubbed great welts into my shoulders and staggered back to the car and watched in horror as my wife, now running with sweat in the -1*C, to her, heatwave and that I was shivering in, reached for the atlas, intent on finding somewhere else to go !

YES, I HAD TO PLODGE THROUGH THIS IN CHEAP THIN UNWATERPROOFED TRAINERS WHILST MY WIFE MARCHED CONFIDENTLY AND DRILY ALONG IN HER BRASHER BOOTS !

I'M REALLY HAPPY JUST TO LOOK AT LINDIFARNE FROM MY CAFE TABLE IN 'THE BARN AT BEAL' !

SALLY..PART 217. A FIRST TIME FOR EVERYTHING

24 PENCILS THREADED THROUGH THE 96 SLOTS I CUT INDIVIDUALLY !

I kind of have to write this one in honour of an anonymous American woman who did something VERY special today at market !

She bought this pencil roll and they're not cheap and disappeared with it. Less than an hour later she returned, holding it out to me and I assumed she didn't want it or wanted to change it for another colour and asked her if she wanted her money back.

She said "No, I want you to take it back and give it to someone of your choosing free of charge !" and off she went...just like that !

Well I waited for some single child to give it too but none came along and I eventually chose an Indonesian student who had spent about twenty minutes going through my stock of sixty designs before choosing a few to buy.

She didn't really seem to believe my story...and who would...but was delighted to accept the gift !

As I ask all students what they are studying it turned out by pure coincidence that she was one of my son's Law Students so hopefully he'll get to hear about his father's generosity except of course it wasn't mine at all !

Is this an American 'thing' or was the woman just one in a billion I wonder !

A WONDERFUL GESTURE IF YOU EVER GET TO READ THIS YOUNG LADY !

SALLY...Part 216. DESCENDING INTO HIDEOUSNESS !

Taken a few weeks ago !

Sometimes, well occasionally over the last forty five years and always without meaning to, I say the wrong thing to my wife, thinking that she is bound to agree with me and today was no exception !

She had remarked on something to do with her face as seen on a recent photograph, perhaps the way her chin looked double or the wrinkles around her mouth and the bags under her eyes made her look like a woman far older than she really is !

I have issues of my own too like how shrivelled I now look, how people treat me as if I'm invisible, unimportant and stupid and so I responded with what I considered to be empathy, stupidly seeking a longed for approval which is something rarer than hens teeth in my life...."Yes I know !" I said, "It's all part of our descent into hideousness isn't it ?"

The journey we were on then continued in silence and I now really wish those words had stayed unsaid as I'm having to cook for myself for some reason I simply don't understand and the atmosphere has turned decidedly frosty !

What did I say ? What did I say ?

SALLY...PART 215. HOW CAN ANYONE BE THIS TECHNOLOGICALLY INCOMPETENT !

PRETENDING I OWNED MORE THAN A TEN POUND PIECE OF USELESSNESS FROM ARGOS !

A son gave me his old IPhone 4 with 3G and said I could use it when away to Hot Spot my WiFi Data from my phone to my laptop or something like that !

Now everyone knows that I DO have a phone, a PAY AS YOU GO one with very little or NO credit on or battery charge in it somewhere which I NEVER use and which cost £10 from Argos and is there for me to call for help from should I die so handing me the equivalent of Nuclear Power Staion with NO instructions as to how to operate it was bound to cause problems !

Utterly, UTTERLY flummoxed I managed to phone the Vodaphone helpline and after only a dozen or so options managed to get through to a humAn in a far off land who I simply couldn't understand because each of the people I spoke to spoke English with the wrong inflections and emphasis and although I had somehow managed to put things on speakerphone I simply didn't know what to swipe up or down or sideways or click on !

The first bloke even called me JENNIFER after asking for my full name which is Jonathan and I don't think that they will have recorded my enquiry for training purposes as much as for a good laugh !

"Look !" I shouted after half an hour of profuse sweating and the use of swear words I never knew I knew, "I just want to be able to use my laptop so what must I do to connect my phone to it ?"

"I am juzz doin tings at dizz end Meester Jennifer and den ahmer goin ta ring hoff and den awhill fone you back in teen minits hokay to zees eef da problem his goin daway hokay ?"

I screamed something else unrepeatable and slammed the receiver down or would have had it been a real phone, a proper one...with a dial !

He phoned back an hour later and believe it or not I was in the bathroom which is where I have to go to get ANYONE to phone me back....the very moment I have taken up residence !

"Ellos Meester Jennifers, his dat do ? His heverytin workin now ?"

"NO !"

"HOKAY, I is tranfurrin you to dee teknikal department now Meester Jennifers !" and off he went leaving me staring at the horrible thing in my hand !

Eventually...EVENTUALLY....after I had topped up my balance from £1:56 to £6:66 I got on and took a look at a very few things when my phone pinged and a message said 'You have now used up 493 MBs of you 500MBs daily allowance'

WHAT ? WHAT ? I hadn't been on more than a blink so I phoned them back and got told tht 500MBs was NOTHING so I gave up and wept and wept as I haven't wept since I was about five !

SALLY...PART 214. AND FINALLY AFTER TWENTY YEARS THE 'LANZAROTE' VISOR IS NO MORE !

JUST A GLIMPSE OF SUN IN THE TOP LAKE !

Is it me or is it still winter ?

Even Shirley's wrapped in a blanket as she lays controlling the world from her Ipad...but wait, was that a glimmer of sunshine on one of the several weather charts she'd consulted before deciding whether we would go to Cragside for a restricted walk around at 2pm ?

I am inundated with orders for money pockets from the hundreds of Showmen who refuse to buy from anyone else and insist on mine so I don't care if we don't go...ANYWHERE...but somehow manage to show enthusiasm for the six hour round trip !

As I toiled away I heard the nut mix being poured into the Chinese takeaway container and could smell the rousing stench of eggs being boiled ready for the sandwiches that I would be genuinely grateful for as I collapsed with exhaustion whilst struggling to keep up with her as she route marched me for mile upon mile carrying an even heavier rucksack than usual !

My swollen ankles and calves, breathlessness and general exhaustion don't seem to bother her as much as they bother me as she piles even more stuff that she won't need into her ex SAS rucksack !

"Drive round first and park up at the car parks I point out !" she barked, Captain Mainwaring like !

It's a six mile single track circuit with 15MPH signs every few yards and there were no overtaking areas at all as we fell in irritably behind a dozen elderly drivers doing just under the 15 !

"Right pull in here, I can't stand it any more !" she urged only 100 yards into the drive, "I'm starving and I've only had my cereal so far, unlike you who've had cereal AND toast !"

So I stopped, about two feet short apparently so had to start up again and inch forward until I was told to forget it and drive on to the next rest area where she ate and reluctantly handed me a half round whilst reaching for the bottle of water she had filled at home.

"Oh GOD, I forgot to pack the water and that's what comes of having too much to do and think about to make sure YOU'VE got YOUR food and forgetting about myself ! We'll just have to carry on to the car park with toilets and I'll have to find something for you to fill with water as I know you can't eat without having an attack ! Can't you just squeeze a drink out of this pear ?"

MY PORTAL TO OTHER WORLDS (and not the vagina my wife said it looked like !)

Some wives might have apologised at this point but I have grown to unexpect this !

We drove on and parked for the third time. I didn't mind as the walk we would have done without water was all uphill and completely unenjoyable but Shirley has places she HAS to visit, like OCD really ! She would have reached the bench about ten minutes before me and fallen immediately asleep AND woken up several times before I'd arrived and then as I'd collapsed beside her, jumped to her feet and demanded, "Right, let's go !"

"Do you not carry a bottle of water in here ?" she asked staring into a box that quite clearly DIDN'T have a bottle in it !

"Right, I'll empty the nutmix into this carrier bag...hold it...WIDER....now go and fill it after rinsing it out PROPERLY and HURRY UP, I want to get to the next car park before the old pegs take up all the spaces !

I SUSPOECTED AS MUCH BUT DIDN'T LIKE TO SAY !

I suspected that the water in such far flung places would be undrinkable but my thoughts on the matter were dismissed perfunctorily but guess what....I was RIGHT !

"Right drive on and we'll get a drink at the booth !"

WHICH WAS SHUT !

"Did you see me put the water in the rucksack !"

"I wasn't watching !" and I'm certainly not brave enough to question whether she had or not !

Finally after a short walk around the top lake we staggered into the cafe for a pot of tea for one, for two, a scone with cream and jam to share....which they'd run out of....and two cups and saucers, two knives and two serviettes and a hidden table in the corner to hide our meanness in !

But Shirley took pity on the washers up and made me return the knives and serviettes, two plates and one cup and saucer so we shared one cup or rather I got the occasional sip whilst she downed the rest because she can drink scalding hot liquids and I can't which is another of the several hundred traits I have which annoy her !

We eventually arrived home with our nerves shredded only to discover the bottle of water had fallen out of the rucksack and lay under the passenger seat.....undrunk....and I got on with the money pockets !

Just before we got home Shirley let out the sort of howl you only normally hear at 'foreign' funerals !

"What is it pet ?" I said Geordily, "Your haemerrhoids playing up again ?"

"NO ! It's my Lanzarote visor ! I've left it hanging on the back of the toilet door at the cafe and I'll be lost without it !"

"Do you want me turn around and drive the thirty miles back ?"

Shirley NEVER goes back...anywhere !

"No but why didn't you realise I wasn't carrying it when I came back to drink your tea ?"

The truth is that that visor had haunted my life for twenty years, ever since she'd bought it with it's embroidered LANZAROTE across its peak which she'd made me glue a patch over so that her middle class teacher friends and everyone else would never know that we'd once fallen so low as to take a holiday on that working class island in the Canaries !

It was kept, greying and worn at the edges with a streak of ingrained dirt around the headband up on the shelf above the passenger seat in the car and regularly fell off whackin her on the head whenever I accelerated at anything above walking pace !

Now all she has is her gold lamee 'PLAYBOY' one which makes her look even cheaper than the Lanzarote one...but I'd never tell her that....would I ?

SALLY...PART 213. LETTING THE YOUNG ONES EAT OUT ALONE !

My 'EATING OUT' advisor suggested that I didn't go to eat lunch tomorrow with my son and his cousin.

"Leave the young things to eat alone and talk about the subjects that young people talk about these days !" I was advisored !

My son is 45 and his cousin is 43 so what would these 'YOUNG THINGS' possibly have to talk about that was cheerful and wasn't at least on the same level of misery and forlorness as the miseries I would have taken along to bring their spirits down with ?

Anyway, I dare say I would have been expected to foot the bill as usual so that's something to cheer me up...a bit !

SALLY...PART 212. HOW ON EARTH AM I SUPPOSED TO REMEMBER THIS ?

I was just thinking the other morning, whilst cutting out another mountain of purses, about how tranquil married life had finally become after only forty six years when my adrenalin was sent skyrocketing around my body by the sound of a blood curdling scream and the clatter of a teaspoon being dropped onto a kitchen worktop !

"DAVID ! COME HERE !"

"I'M WAITING !"

So adopting my totally fed up look I trudged reluctantly through to where she stood towering below me and awaited....what, I couldn't imagine !

"There's a blob of wet coffee on the inside of the coffee jar because you keep putting a wet spoon into my used tea bag pot and then using it without drying it to make your next coffee and it has to STOP, so from now on I'm going to leave a dry spoon permanently in the coffee jar which you must replace into the jar before using my tea bag spoon to stir your coffee before putting it back into my used tea bag pot OK ?"

"What ?"

" I'm NOT repeating myself !"

I of course instantly forgot and what's more tore a tiny bit of the new Corn Flakes box lid when I opened it this morning although I DID manage to open the inner packet to her preferred width which allows one corn flake to exit it at a time !

I am now working away in my room awaiting the discovery of the tear !

"DAVID ! COME HERE...NOW !"

I guess she's found it !

SALLY...PART 211. I AM NOT GOING FOR A WALK AROUND WALLINGTON HALL !

"Right STOP working, it's 16*C and sunny, you've had a dish of Rice Krispies, I'll do you a box of nuts and make me a sandwich whilst you put the bikes in the Babe Magnet and we'll go and do the cycle path around Wallington Hall before I go mad going nowhere !"

You'll notice that my opinion was not sought !

"GLOVES ?" she spluttered contemptuously as she stared sneeringly at my attire !

"And  a scarf." I said timorously, more to myself than her !

She threw her rucksack overhand at me and the sheer weight of it carried it clean through my outstretched arms and straight into my face !

I daren't cry out for fear of being told to "MAN UP !"

In that rucksack along with her two litres of water, two pre-wet flannels, a spare pair of shoes, a large tube of anti thigh rub gel, two apples, three oranges, an extra large pomegranate, clear spectacles, her phone, her iPad, her sandwich and several boiled sweets for HER was a small box of mixed nuts for me...."Otherwise you'll just be whingeing on about being starving !"

We arrived in dull windy weather with the threat of rain hanging about us like an unwelcome house guest ! You get to an age when ALL house guests are unwelcome !

I untied and removed the bikes which hadn't moved one thousandth of a millimetre despite being forcefully told that they would fall over at every corner, heaved the rucksack onto my back and followed obediently through the endless gates that obstructed the route !

We headed into the dreariest weather imaginable, up slopes that defeated our lowest gears so that we both had to get off and push up dramatic inclines that even the men from The Ordnance Survey wouldn't have been able to detect !

I couldn't see a thing through my glasses because they were covered in a fine mist and couldn't see a thing without them on either as the cloud base was so low that the entire Wallington Estate had disappeared from view !

NOT MY IDEA OF A DAY OUT !

Now those who know my wife know that she doesn't do ANYTHING without checking at least a hundred weather forecasts from around the world before she's even taken her first breath each day so finding myself both hot and cold, exhausted and blind in the middle of I knew not where was not my idea of a day out !

It didn't help having a rubbishy old and heavy mountain bike, given reluctantly by a relative, with no mudguards, a worn out rear tyre and gears that I just can't make work properly but mine was state of the art compared to Shirley's 1960's three speed Sturmey Archer geared (she refuses to use them and cycles strongly in top gear with her fiercely independent Scottish legs) urban ladies example of an accident just waiting to happen which she rode in terror as the narrow, bald tyres had no grip whatsoever and the brakes made no difference as she hurtled down the hair raising slopes at speeds close to three and four miles per hour !

THIS WILL NEVER SEE ANOTHER HILLSIDE !

AND NEITHER WILL THIS !

It didn't help her confidence much either knowing that she had had a terrifying incident at the harbour three weeks before when she tried to ride over a wet railway line and had gone down in an instant heap of severely bruised flesh !

We didn't and I won't wear a helmet as ALL people who do look like utter twerps, especially men of my age and I would rather end up dead in hospital looking good !

We rode alone and didn't see a soul, except for a warden who warned Shirley in a gentle way that there was a road to be crossed in a half mile which required care but it turned out that it was little more than a farm track and he must have thought that we looked like a pair of escaped Care In The Community clients !

So an hour and two miles later we arrived back at the car shattered and starving !

"We'll just grab a mouthful and go for a walk down to Capability Brown's garden." Shirley said, again without referring to my wishes and I defiantly refused !

 "I am NOT going for a walk as I am done in !" I insisted, choking on a burnt almond !

"You ARE !" she retorted swallowing her ham sandwich in one bite, made with ham from a £1 packet of wafer thin chemically enhanced reconstituted meat product from Home Bargains !

"I AM NOT !" I yelled, choking on a burnt cashew !

"YOU ARE !"

"AND I'M TELLING YOU I'M NOT !" I yelled, choking on a walnut half !

So we went !

SALLY...PART 210. THE WRONG PATIENT !

"WHAT'S THAT ?" Shirley shouted, half leaping out of her skin, interrupting her tale of a noisy child running up and down a caravan somewhere we're not at at the moment because of Doctors appointments and grandchildren sitting !

"What's WHAT ?" I responded, all but deaf to anything remotely quiet coming from a different room !

"Oh it's the mobile, quick !" she howled once again half leaping out of her skin at a speed that almost defied belief !

But as she reappeared, grasping the iPhone 3 that one of our children had mothballed several years ago and then given her a month or so ago to replace something REALLY ancient from Nokia and staring myopically at the tiny screen that old technology had yet to improve on, the thing stopped ringing !

Of course 'RINGING' is not what it was doing..it was playing a tune that started quietly and then grew louder !

"Quick, it's the Doctors so it'll be for you ! Come on, leave that bloody computer alone and run upstairs where the reception's better !" and pressing redial she threw the thing at my instantly responsive athleticism !

".....all in this practice are bound by confidentiality....blah blah blah....now press ONE for blah blah blah...TWO for etc etc etc ad infinitum...."

I pressed FOUR for 'ANYTHING ELSE' !

"BLAH BLAH BLAH...how can I help ?"

"Someone just phoned this phone."
"Name ?"
"Nash"
"First name ?"
"David, well Jonathan David actually."
"Date of birth ?"
"The twentieth of January nineteen forty nine." I said, pronouncing things clearly as 20-1-49 has caused confusion in the past !
"How can I help ?"
"YOU just called ME !"
"Let me have a look. What was it about ?"
"How do I know, though I got a copy of a letter from the Cardiac Nurse yesterday, dated eleven days ago informing the doctor of a change of beta blockers."
"Ah ! The doctor's asked why !"
"But the reason is stated on the letter !"

At this point Shirley had run upstairs for the third time with my copy of the letter and the charging plug because the iPhone 3's battery only lasts about ten minutes and so began a struggle of listening to the receptionist whilst trying to work out how to plug the phone's charger into the phone one handed whilst also listening to Shirley telling me stuff which I couldn't concentrate on because the receptionist was also trying to tell me stuff and I was bent double sideways because the wire from the phone to the plug was too short !

"Oh it might be for me !" Shirley suddenly remembered as two weeks before she'd got me to hand in a letter from her optician who wanted the doctor to arrange some tests because he thought he's spotted the signs of a mini stroke on her retina....I didn't know they could do that...did you ?

"Hang on!" I said to the receptionist from my sideways curled position, "Your phone call this morning could have been for my wife...erm Shirley....I can't remember...May the something...same address yes...hang on she's sitting here so can I hand her the phone then I won't have to get her to give you her permission for me to continue talking to you about her...……………………………………..

And it WAS for her and she HADN'T seen the voicemail or something that they'd sent her!

SALLY...PART 209. THAT'LL BE A BIG MAC AND FRIES SUPERSIZED PLEASE !

WHO WOULDN'T BE RELAXED AFTER THIS ?

We were driving back from EXACTLY one hour's frogmarch around the autumnal woods this afternoon when Shirley spotted the 309 stopping outside M&S to where we were heading because we had a '£5 off when you spend £30' voucher !

"I miss the bus journies we used to make when you were banned from driving !" Shirley said a quarter day dreaming and three quarters out of contempt !

I then had to slam on the brakes as some old bloke simply came to a halt right in front of me in the middle of nowhere whilst apparently wondering where he wanted to go !

"What do you mean by you miss the journeys ? You HATED the bus ! You HATED your fellow travellers ! Every journey was a nightmare of delays, suspended services, stinking humans and a fear of missing the bus back ! So what DO you mean ?"

"Well, for a start I didn't have to put up with your driving and your foul temper and your getting lost !"

"What do you mean my foul temper ? You mean when idiots stop in the middle of nowhere like that fool in front of us ? And it wouldn't drive YOU mad if you were a driver ? And what do you mean LOST ?"

"It's a young woman !"

"What do you mean it's a young woman ?" It's an old bloke !

"It's a young woman with shoulder length hair."

"It's an old man with long unwashed grey hair and GOD he's going to stop AGAIN ! Oh for ####'s SAKE ! Just where I was about to turn in to M&S !"

"OH GOD GIVE ME STRENGTH !" I yelled as I turned by mistake, slightly too early into the MacDonald's Car Park !

"Exactly what I was talking about !" Shirley smirked.