Sally-Part 118. HOWICK HALL IN NORTHUMBERLAND NEVER FAILS TO AMAZE ME !

It's only a forty minute drive from here to one of the most extraordinarily beautiful gardens in the world and here are some photos I took there a couple of weeks ago !

This magnificent creature looks like it's got a witches hat on but just look at those amazing antennae !

And here they are again as large as I can make them ! Go on someone, without mentioning God, explain them to me !

Wherever you look !

Nature's having a laugh isn't it ?

Do many people look closely at a Hydrangea ?

Splendour in the Bog Garden

As you can tell from the shadows, we left our visit 'til late so that the tea room would be empty ! I did not know  this lady !

And the light's just right ! Bugger ! There she is AGAIN !

Thing wouldn't get out the way !

You've got to remember to look up as well !

A bit blurred but I was a bit overwhelmed by it all !

For goodness sake !

And this !

And don't overlook the humble little weeds !

And finally, this is for the gardener who shouted at me on another visit when I HAD NOT stepped on his flower bed..." THIS IS YOU THIS IS ! "

Sally-Part 117. STRUTH ! WHY ARE WOMEN SO IRRITABLE AND IMPATIENT OR IS IT MY FAULT ?

STRUTH !

SHE BEGGED ME TO MARRY HER SO SHE COULD HAVE SOMEONE TO FEED !

I was trying to think hard about what the nub of my problem is when my thoughts were broken open by, "D'you prefer your egg whole or 'omeletted' ?" shouted through with just a touch of irritation !

"Omeletted please ! Or whatever's easiest and puts least pressure on your aching hip seeing as you won't let me cook breakfast for you because of the mess you say I'll leave !" replied to with just the right amount of humility to really annoy her !

"Well you wanted it whole the other day !", returned with slightly more irritation !

"Then whole'll be fine thanks !", replied with hope of a friendly acceptance !

"Plain bread or toasted !", even MORE irritated !

"Plain please!" sung rather than said in the hope of dispelling any residual tension !

"Move your thing ! Move your thing !" as the plate was thrust under my face before I'd finished writing this !

"Delicious thanks!"

"You what?"

"I said 'DELICIOUS THANKS!"

"And I didn't use a drop of oil, unlike you and I suppose you'll want a drink or have you got one?"

"Got one thanks!" noting my mug was all but empty but not wanting to annoy her further !

I'll go in and make myself one when she's out of the kitchen !

"I can smell pepper!" she suddenly called out !

"Uhm!" I thought, "I remember once reading that smelling rubber can signify an impending heart attack but pepper?"

Could it actually signify an impending heart attack I wondered without worrying !

Sally-Part 116. THE DAY I UNFRIENDED EVERYONE ON FACEBOOK BUT MARY ANT !

If I am as irritating as I've been told then there will be a collective sigh of relief as last night I UNFRIENDED everyone on Facebook except Mary Ant who loves my photos !

I'VE NEVER MET MARY BUT I THINK I'D RECOGNISE HER !

I wonder if everyone will be so insulted that they don't see the funny side of me destroying the one thing that I have enjoyed hugely for nearly two years !

I wonder if anyone will put in another FRIEND REQUEST !

Talk about cutting off your nose to spite your face !

Sally-part 115. THREATENED WITH DEATH IN OBAN

THE DAY I WAS NEARLY MURDERED IN OBAN !


The car was right down on it's springs as we lurched into Oban, laden with enough food to feed an army for a month let alone just ourselves for a week but we still had more to get and with ONLY three hours to go before the ferry left Shirley was in a panic to get into Tescos with both of us pushing trolleys !

Now I seriously HATE shopping and HATE it even more if I have to do it with Shirley !

On my own, I'm a whirlwind with my list marked up to show which items are likely to be grouped in which aisles before I rush round missing almost everything I've been after and ordered NOT to forget, having to dash back ten alleys for a packet of mint tea and rapidly becoming exasperated !

Then my shouting down an aisle for help from a non-existent shop assistant starts and at heaven to give me strength and then the deliberate crashing of my trolley into those infuriating wheelchair-adapted trolleys which grind their way painfully slowly along the aisles, poorly manhandled by idiots who can't reach anything anyway and hardly have the strength to wheel themselves let alone a trolley with eight two litre bottles of Lucozade and five of Irn Bru, a white loaf and a packet of bacon in it !

Once I'm really wound up I start having face-offs with those menaces in their own electric 'mobility' scooters who, perfectly able to walk unaided but too lazy to, swoop along at speeds regardless of the safety of others, coming to a neck-snapping dead stop so that their lazy and able-bodied drivers can leap up and grab whatever it is they want before jumping back onboard and tearing off to the next block !

These infernal things are now thankfully banned in Benidorm, not that I spend any time there but MIGHT just move there now that I know this !

And don't get me started on those grossly fat people who, exhausted by burning the energy required to simply rasp enough air into their lungs to get them on their feet then hoist their distended bellies over the trolley handle and into the child-seat space before taking the weight of their hippopotomas-sized shoulders on their elbows which resting on the handle edges then exert such downward pressure on the rear wheels that it breaks the bearings and ruins the trolleys for us mere mortals !

And whatever mountain of unhealthy options they buy, they too top it all off with multi-packs of Coca Cola or it's cheaper supermarket alternatives and blame their grossness on their hormones !

Now where was I ? Ah yes , shopping with Shirley !

If Shirley was King and didn't spend ten hours ordering her shopping on the internet, the world of shopping would run like clockwork !

There would be no idling in front of luscious displays of exotic fruits or lingering at the Haagen Daas fridge or salivating at the delicatessen counter !

Actually I generally just dawdle, yawning and staring at other women, apparently with some kind of sickening 'Gay' smile fixed on my face !

What on earth is a 'Gay' smile Shirley ?

No, shopping would become a regimented, hated thing that had to be got through as quickly as possible with utilitarian products flung rapidly into the trolley without breaking step UNTIL the Lemon Drizzle Cake section where all would grind to a halt and ten perfectly good cakes would be removed from the shelf (and NEVER replaced tidily unless I do it!) so that the one at the back with the longest date and hopefully untouched by the great unwashed could be minutely examined and selected !

Of course ! I've nearly forgotten to mention the barked instruction, "If you see anything you want put it in the trolley cos I can't read your mind and you can put that back cos you're not wasting money on Cadburys double chocolate eclairs when Tescos do their own cheap version in a multi-bag!"

And THEN to the checkout !

Whichever one I choose WILL be the wrong one !

As, for example happened in Oban where I selected the one with no customers and a jolly looking fat assistant !

After our long and tiring journey I knew that Shirley would be slightly less patient than usual and I rapidly and as quietly as possible transferred the mountain of products to the counter ready to rush to her side once the scanning had occured and she'd corrected the cashier who'd not noticed the 'REDUCED' sign on one of the multitude of 'REDUCED' items, to take from her the instantly packed carriers which had to be stacked in exactly the right way so as not to crush her cake !

The jolly looking fat assistant failed to read the warning signs and pleasently remarked on something inane !

Shirley, normally reticent with strangers said something about the journey and the lack of sleep she'd had worrying about the ferry and food and I chipped in about her regular nightmare of being murdered by a man wearing a clown suit sitting on her chest !

Unfortunately I had no idea that the cashier was the world's foremost expert on 'Sleep Paralysis' which according to her spiritualist beliefs had something to do with the soul leaving the body and then returning to it !

I sensed that Shirley would have preferred to simply pack and slap her and me round the face before getting out rather than have to listen to the woman's twaddle but there was little chance of escape for ten minutes or more !

Back in the car I was threatened with being murdered if I even looked at a cashier again and I have since spent three days being told to NEVER EVER say a word to ANYONE else in public when she is there!

EVER !

This tale has been long enough without my mentioning what happens when the Tesco's van man dares to deliver a 'short date' on an item and Shirley has to phone South Africa to complain !

Sally-Part114 . PEDIE AND JEN MACNEILL NOT TO MENTION A FEW OTHER MUSICAL GENIUSES !

BLURRED I KNOW ! BUT THIS WAS THE MAN IN ACTION LAST WEEK AND SHOWS HIM SMILING

KEIR JOHNSTON..ANOTHER OUTSTANDINGLY TALENTED MUSICIAN !

AND JEN ! NOW READ ON !

The one person who changed my life in a single stroke will HATE me for talking about him !

He is Donald 'Pedie' MacNeill of Colonsay, a man who has composed some of the most beautiful songs ever written !

And here I must mention my absolute favourite, 'Gentle Man' which you can listen to on his double CD 'WINTER SUN' and 'HALF HEBRIDEAN' and more of his songs are on his other CD 'Family Life'.

Pedie is a raconteur and wit and songwriter who weaves stories and paints feelings in three dimensions with words and music !

I was on Colonsay in 2008 when he and his friend Keith Johnston organised the first Music Festival, a three day extravaganza of talent that I never knew existed.

Pedie opened the first night, before the 'Real' stars arrived and his playing and singing started me on a course where all I really now want to do is play and sing too, even if I don't have a grain of his talent !

I sat in on the afternoon session when he made his family cry and quite a few others get a lump in their throats when he sung 'Wet Day Love Song' !

I want that power and I've had a tiny bit of it twice ! Once when a lone female voice called out " Beautiful!" after I'd sung 'Invisible' by Boo Hewerdine in a pub in Gatehouse of Fleet and once in Newcastle a couple of weeks ago when I sung Dylan's 'Simple Twist Of Fate' to an audience of fifty and got a huge round of applause that actually made me humble !

Anyway, Pedie wasn't the only performer as his daughters and friends and Keir Johnston, another young Islander who is equally brilliant also joined in during the two hours that I loved without admitting to anyone that I thought that I HATED 'Folk Music' !

Well, there wasn't a single man or woman with sticking out teeth and their fingers in their ears emitting strangled cries from the backs of their throats with all the sound coming down their mostly blocked noses and dressed in tucked in socks and clogs or wellies carrying staves with bells on and with straggly pony tails behind the men's bald spots held by dirty rubber bands or bag ladies with knee-length unkempt hair, crochetted cardigans' hand-quilted floor-length charity shop dresses and banging tambourines which were the highly prejudiced thoughts I reluctantly entered the hall with !

I have since discovered the amazing talents of people like LAU and Karine Polwart and they don't have a single carrier bag between them !

I know I've mentioned Karine in another blog about her but I think it's worth telling the tale again of one of my greatest unworthy moments when in complete ignorance of who she was, I turned to her when she had just sat beside me on the Hotel settee as I watched a man giving a guitar lesson and asked her if she had anything to do with music ! DOH ! The man was her brilliant brother Stephen and together with the third member of their trio, Inge Thompson performed an unforgettable set that night ! Karine, for those who don't know her is one of the most acclaimed singer/songwriters in Scotland if not the world !

But one other person delighted me that first night with her enthusiasm and overwhelming love of people and life together with her brilliantly entertaining talent and that was Pedie's daughter Jen . I sat and watched and listened and along with everyone else in the hall adored her !

It was the same feeling you get watching a top ballet company performing Swan Lake or Romeo and Juliet accompanied by a fifty piece orchestra !

In Pedie's own words, it 'stirs the soul' !

Pedie, incredibly talented as he is, is a miserable bugger born with a reluctance to accept praise or answer questions without suspecting non-existent ulterior motives, whereas Jen is dynamic and smiles all the time and is completely open and FUNNY !

See her off stage and she is surrounded by friends and howling with unsuppressed laughter and she never shuts up for a minute !

I notice such things !

I've thought from the first moment I saw them performing together that they should have their own TV programme, a sort of Transatlantic Sessions with one on Mogadon and the other on Speed !

What Pedie doesn't know is that I would be honoured to sit at his feet and learn from a MASTER !

Sally-Part 113. ANOTHER TENSION FILLED JOURNEY TO COLONSAY !

This is what happens in my marriage !

When you have to catch a ferry to Colonsay off the west coast of Scotland at 5pm and the port of departure is two hundred and thirty one miles from home, you know you must leave by 6am for fear that according to Shirley's calculations allowing only eleven hours at an average of about nineteen miles per hour means the ship will have long left harbour as you screech to a halt at the dropped barrier !

Of course she will have included stops in that time, like my having to have three wees in the middle of nowhere but always as six coachloads of nuns pass by fainting and to buy a pastie !

The tension that sets in at least three months before the date will lead to our complete inability to sleep the night before, causing not a small amount of frustration between us !

Much of the pressure comes from trying to work out what to pack for just over a week of relatively rough living, which at home would mean two pairs of pants, two shirts and similarly small amounts of other clothing but for holiday means for some unfathomable reason that we both pack ten entire outfits, plus four pairs of shoes each, a pair of wellies each and a pair of walking boots each and in my case a pair of 'DIVING SHOES' but as I'm not a diver I don't know why I even own them !

Shirley also packs a trunk laden with anti-thigh-rub-gels, sun creams graded up to the total blockage of even the moon's rays, up to twenty pairs of walking shoes and sandals all bearing stickers declaring their suitability for various terrains, a choice of two beach tents and a windbreak, a shooting stick, a portapotti because she won't use public toilets and most importantly her two visors with huge overhanging peaks, one of which I've had to sew a patch on to cover the 'LANZAROTE' badge for fear of anyone seeing it and thinking us a member of the lower classes and not forgetting the full size army rucksack that has shortened my life by several years which I have to wear, bent over double following her carrying whatever she thinks she might need for a visit to a beach somewhere !

Then of course there's a separate suitcase to carry all sorts of preventative medicines that neither of us ever take !

Well I don't anyway !

And don't even ask about the seven tons of ready meals and long life milk that have been gathering dust and blocking the kitchen for weeks prior to departure !

Poor Shirley barely sleeps as it is and according to her daily morning reports, often for no more than ten minutes, lying sleepless for hours at a time beside a man who snores like a beached walrus and whenever I stagger downstairs at 8:30 after a solid eight hours, she has been sitting bleary eyed at the laptop since 5 checking on thousands of other women's thoughts on whether Josh Groban's likely to get married in the next thirty years!

Yes readers, Shirley who accuses me of being obsessed by Facebook and my blog has Josh staring out of her wallpaper page and has concert tickets with his face embossed on them from all of his concerts as her bookmarks and has her 'Josh Groban Golden Ticket' stuffed into another painting's frame in our dining room !

Truth be told though that after working a fifteen hour day I collapse into bed drunk with fatigue only to be kept awake by the piercing tone of her radio which she listens to all night at a level which drives me mad because I can't quite make out what the sports commentators on Five Live are saying !

And why Five Live when she hates all sport ?

I daren't ask !

Of course these days I fall asleep within five seconds only to be woken immediately by, "Great so I'm just talking to myself am I you selfish bastard after all I've ever done for you like all your lovingly prepared meals I spend hours cooking whilst you spend all day in your room on facebook which nobody reads and writing your blog which is just a waste of time you pig!"

So I have to apologise and pretend I wasn't asleep but just choking and try and sound sympathetic and interested in things I'm not interested in until I judge it's OK to drift off again before I'm elbowed in the ribs to wake up to find her flexing various parts of herself at me demanding them to be massaged or having to climb out of bed without my glasses on and without putting on the light which would attract in hundreds of moths through the wide open windows, to search for and get rid of a Daddy Long Legs that's just dive-bombed her face !

By now it was approaching 3am and I kept getting told to "Go to SLEEP or we'll never get up in the morning !" !

And if I'm absolutely honest "NO!" gets shouted quite a lot too ! By me, of course !

We left about two minutes after we were supposed to with a certain tension in the atmosphere caused by my insisting on needing to wash and shave before downing a minute dish of Cheerios to a torrent of "Hurry UP or we'll miss the ferry !" ringing in my still sleeping ears !

In truth it was really eight o'clock when we left and we arrived south of Edinburgh at Pathead at 10:15 with me desperate for one of the local bakery's chicken pies !

By the way, PARTH HEAD, which is how I would pronounce it is actually pronounced P'THEED but I digress......

I jumped out the car and ran across the major highway whilst trying to remember the barked instruction, "don't get me anything and how you can possibly be hungry already is beyond me and don't waste money on a coffee as it'll only make you need another wee and we're late enough as it is!"

I returned and ate beneath a torrent of insults about my greed ! "you deserve to die of a heart attack who's ever heard of a man needing to eat a chicken pie at half past ten and you can save me a bit at the end no not that much and eat that lump first and HURRY UP!"

I ate about three quarters of it before it was snatched out of my hand, devoured with gusto and before I was instructed to go back and buy another ! "and see if they've got an empire biscuit as well!"

I opened my door and was getting out when I just couldn't resist growling, " I really HATE you Shirley!"

She grabbed my jumper and pulled me back in and with a look of real hurt on her face said, "Why? I don't understand ! Why would you say such a thing even if it was meant to be a joke ?"

I didn't answer, pulled away and got out to get her pie, leaving her all scrunched up and withdrawn with a furrowed forehead, scratching her head and looking like she had no idea why I'd said what I did !

Needless to say we drove off ten minutes later with Shirley full of pie and desperate for a coffee !

Sally-Part112.TWO GEORDIES WAITING TO DIE AFTER EATING TOADSTOOLS ON COLONSAY !

MAGIC MUSHROOMS !

My oldest son has developed an interest in fungi and when he and my other son Julian joined Shirley and me on Colonsay last week he spent quite a lot of time examining as many varieties of them as he could find !

" WHAT D'YOU RECKON JONNY, EDIBLE OR DEADLY ? " "WELL JULES WITH MY EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE I RECKON WE CAN TAKE 'EM HOME AND FRY 'EM UP WITH GARLIC AND RED WINE !"

We played a great deal of golf when the weather permitted and this also allowed his chosen field of study to benefit as cow pats are a particularly healthy environment for toadstools to flourish !

"WHAT DO YOU RECKON JULIAN, MUSHROOMS OR TOADSTOOLS ? " " I HAVE NO IDEA JONNY ! HOW DO YOU TELL THE DIFFERENCE ?"

But then suddenly on the far side of the airstrip-divided golf course I spotted some unusually large mushrooms and we went to investigate and were we surprised !

"WELL JULIAN, I THINK MUSHROOMS GROW ON GRASS AND TOADSTOOLS GROW IN COW POO OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT !" " OH JONNY, YOU ARE SO CLEVER ! I'M GLAD THAT YOU'RE MY BIG BROTHER!"

Jonathan, with his wide-ranging knowledge of the entire Universe quickly identified them as edible and selected the four fattest ones for lunch !

"GOOD JOB THE ISLAND'S DOCTOR IDENTIFIED THEM AS EDIBLE EH JULES ? LET'S GET IN THE KITCHEN AND GET COOKING !"

We didn't pick them then but first played the final seven holes before getting in the car and driving back through flooded muddy tracks to collect them before calling in at the Island shop for garlic and wine after showing them to the Doctor who agreed that they were field mushrooms and perfectly safe to eat !

"YOUSE GET THE PAN ON JULES AN I'LL GAN ON WITH THE CHOPPIN LIKE ! I'SE RECKON ON FOWER HOOLE CLOVES SHUD DEE IT LIKE ! GAWD THAT REEKS LIKE DIVEN'T IT ?"

The boys set to cooking them, filling the house with the stench of far too much garlic before sitting down in the garden to eat their bounty, watched by their mother and I who both refused to touch them in fear of a grotesque death !

" GET THEM THINGS OOT OF MY HOOSE ! AH DIVVENT NA WHAT YOUSE THINKS YOUSE DOIN BRINGIN THEM BACK HEEAR ! THEMS'LL KILL YOUSE STOWERN DEED LIKE, YER PAIRS OF FOOWELLS !"

Well they didn't die but it looks like a worrying time for them as they waited to !

" HEH JULES ! TRY TEE LOOK LIKE YURS NOT DYIN OF GARLIC STENCH ! OOH AN IS THEMS PINEAPPLE PIES FOR PUDDIN ? LUSH ! YEE WANTS SOME DA ? NOAH ? WELL JUST YEES WATCH JULES AN I SCOFF THE LOT LIKE !"

"PHWOAR! WAS THAT YOUSE LIKE JULES ? THAT REALLY STINKS !" " YE NARS THAT DOCTOR SAYS LIKE THAT THEY WAS EDIBLE ? WELL I THINK I'M DYIN JONNY !"

Sally-Part 111. KEITH RUTHERFORD OF COLONSAY IS THE BEST POSTMAN IN THE WORLD !

KEITH RUTHERFORD IS THE NICEST MAN IN THE WORLD !

I've already written in my Blog Part 64 about 'Walter Williams The Most Honest Man In The World' who lives on the tiny Hebridean Island of Colonsay !

You can see the photo of him accepting my trophy by visiting Blog 64 !

At the age of eighty he has worked his socks off all his life and continues to plough his croft which is also home to hundreds of 'found' golf balls proudly displayed in ranks of attractiveness in his enormous barn !

He earned his title after returning a 'magic' golf ball to me which I'd told him I'd lost and which flashed on and off for twenty seconds once you'd hit it and was perfect for playing with at night !

Needless to say I didn't tell him what it could do or I'd never have seen it again !

If you dare to approach his barn you'll be greeted by a sign planted on it's approach warning "DOGS WILL BE SHOT!"

The man himself will then appear unshaven from his cottage wearing the same red boiler suit he's worn non-stop for several years and his wellies and invite you to buy some of his glorious eggs for only the price, if you're English, of a King's ransom !

Walter is, of course, as soft as clarts and has eaten more than his fair share of my biscuits !

But there is yet another man who plays a major part at the heart of the Island !

You'll find him wedged behind the smallest Post Office counter in the world, almost overwhelmed by ancient files, books of stamps and mountains of ancient rubber bands, some as old as the Post Office itself !

Keith Rutherford and his ready grin for everyone is goodness and gentleness personified and once he's collected and sorted the post from the ferry can often be seen delivering it at midnight !

He waves a welcome at everyone whenever he's on his rounds and if the author of Postman Pat DIDN'T use him as the model for his books I'll eat my hat !

He is generosity itself and although reticent to break up any of his magnificent collections of stuff, one year let me help myself to several of the more decayed of several hundred wooden pallets he had amassed in his stockyard and although he didn't go as far as helping me saw them up for my frozen cottage's fire, did lend me a saw with only half it's teeth missing to carry out the back-breaking task !

His gentlest of jibes of, "Why don't you just do what everyone else does and buy some coal?" illicited only a grin and a grunt from this one-time boy scout !

Keith has never offered me any of his mountain of rubber bands but he has SHOWN me them and dated many of them with a wistful tear in his eye of good times remembered !

The highlight of another tour he took me on was a view of the sixty watt lightbulb he had removed from his former home in Nottingham and which had continued to burn brightly in the storage room behind the Post Office throughout the thirty years since he'd taken on the mantle of Postmaster !

Not everyone gets to see these things but I think he honours me because I regularly buy another one of his collection of postcards of hugely horned Highland Bulls at every visit which he comments on in his wonderfully laconic dismissive voice by saying, " I wouldn't still be open if it wasn't for people like you !"

Keith used to run the attached shop until about five years ago and my children loved nothing more on a wet day than to spread out amongst the shelves playing a version of 'TOP TRUMPS' but using long-expired 'SELL BY' dates to score points !

I think the record was about fifteen years for a tin of Heinz's Chicken And Mushroom Pie !

But I've saved mentioning his greatest collection 'til last.....his amazing cardboard boxes which fill every spare room and cubby hole in his house and several broken down cars as well !

You can clearly see one of his older ones in my photo, sitting on the counter, rather moth-eaten and bearing the stains of many years useful service !

A couple of years ago I witnessed at first hand Keith finding himself in the almost impossible position of being asked by an elderly lady Islander as to whether he had any spare boxes suitable for using to send a gift in .

"A BOX ?" he choked, "A BOX ? What sort of A BOX ?"

" Well just a wee box for a fragile gift for my great grandaughter ." she replied, a little put off her stroke by his suddenly surprisingly slightly aggressive tone !

" Well I don't know if I have any but if you wait there I'll take a look !"

He could then be heard muttering to himself in his storeroom, growling things like, " Well she's not having that one or that one or that one or that one and definitely not this one ! "

Eventually he emerged flustered holding against his chest and delicately nestled in the palm of one hand whilst stroking it with the other, a box so small that it could only have been used to hold a hundred or so business cards and reluctantly offered it up with a raised exasperated eyebrow saying " Will this do ?" to the confused old dear who had obviously never asked for one before !

She said, "I WAS hoping for something slightly larger Keith, about the size of a shoebox if you could take another look !"

" Well I'm sorry ! " he replied a tad harshly, "this is all I can spare but I can sell you some wrapping paper instead !"

Which is what he did and looking at me, tutted and shook his head in disbelief at her gall as she arthritically limped out of the shop !

The TRUTH is that everyone REALLY loves Keith and hopes he never retires !

And I asked his permission before writing this !