This is what happens in my marriage !
When you have to catch a ferry to Colonsay off the west coast of Scotland at 5pm and the port of departure is two hundred and thirty one miles from home, you know you must leave by 6am for fear that according to Shirley's calculations allowing only eleven hours at an average of about nineteen miles per hour means the ship will have long left harbour as you screech to a halt at the dropped barrier !
Of course she will have included stops in that time, like my having to have three wees in the middle of nowhere but always as six coachloads of nuns pass by fainting and to buy a pastie !
The tension that sets in at least three months before the date will lead to our complete inability to sleep the night before, causing not a small amount of frustration between us !
Much of the pressure comes from trying to work out what to pack for just over a week of relatively rough living, which at home would mean two pairs of pants, two shirts and similarly small amounts of other clothing but for holiday means for some unfathomable reason that we both pack ten entire outfits, plus four pairs of shoes each, a pair of wellies each and a pair of walking boots each and in my case a pair of 'DIVING SHOES' but as I'm not a diver I don't know why I even own them !
Shirley also packs a trunk laden with anti-thigh-rub-gels, sun creams graded up to the total blockage of even the moon's rays, up to twenty pairs of walking shoes and sandals all bearing stickers declaring their suitability for various terrains, a choice of two beach tents and a windbreak, a shooting stick, a portapotti because she won't use public toilets and most importantly her two visors with huge overhanging peaks, one of which I've had to sew a patch on to cover the 'LANZAROTE' badge for fear of anyone seeing it and thinking us a member of the lower classes and not forgetting the full size army rucksack that has shortened my life by several years which I have to wear, bent over double following her carrying whatever she thinks she might need for a visit to a beach somewhere !
Then of course there's a separate suitcase to carry all sorts of preventative medicines that neither of us ever take !
Well I don't anyway !
And don't even ask about the seven tons of ready meals and long life milk that have been gathering dust and blocking the kitchen for weeks prior to departure !
Poor Shirley barely sleeps as it is and according to her daily morning reports, often for no more than ten minutes, lying sleepless for hours at a time beside a man who snores like a beached walrus and whenever I stagger downstairs at 8:30 after a solid eight hours, she has been sitting bleary eyed at the laptop since 5 checking on thousands of other women's thoughts on whether Josh Groban's likely to get married in the next thirty years!
Yes readers, Shirley who accuses me of being obsessed by Facebook and my blog has Josh staring out of her wallpaper page and has concert tickets with his face embossed on them from all of his concerts as her bookmarks and has her 'Josh Groban Golden Ticket' stuffed into another painting's frame in our dining room !
Truth be told though that after working a fifteen hour day I collapse into bed drunk with fatigue only to be kept awake by the piercing tone of her radio which she listens to all night at a level which drives me mad because I can't quite make out what the sports commentators on Five Live are saying !
And why Five Live when she hates all sport ?
I daren't ask !
Of course these days I fall asleep within five seconds only to be woken immediately by, "Great so I'm just talking to myself am I you selfish bastard after all I've ever done for you like all your lovingly prepared meals I spend hours cooking whilst you spend all day in your room on facebook which nobody reads and writing your blog which is just a waste of time you pig!"
So I have to apologise and pretend I wasn't asleep but just choking and try and sound sympathetic and interested in things I'm not interested in until I judge it's OK to drift off again before I'm elbowed in the ribs to wake up to find her flexing various parts of herself at me demanding them to be massaged or having to climb out of bed without my glasses on and without putting on the light which would attract in hundreds of moths through the wide open windows, to search for and get rid of a Daddy Long Legs that's just dive-bombed her face !
By now it was approaching 3am and I kept getting told to "Go to SLEEP or we'll never get up in the morning !" !
And if I'm absolutely honest "NO!" gets shouted quite a lot too ! By me, of course !
We left about two minutes after we were supposed to with a certain tension in the atmosphere caused by my insisting on needing to wash and shave before downing a minute dish of Cheerios to a torrent of "Hurry UP or we'll miss the ferry !" ringing in my still sleeping ears !
In truth it was really eight o'clock when we left and we arrived south of Edinburgh at Pathead at 10:15 with me desperate for one of the local bakery's chicken pies !
By the way, PARTH HEAD, which is how I would pronounce it is actually pronounced P'THEED but I digress......
I jumped out the car and ran across the major highway whilst trying to remember the barked instruction, "don't get me anything and how you can possibly be hungry already is beyond me and don't waste money on a coffee as it'll only make you need another wee and we're late enough as it is!"
I returned and ate beneath a torrent of insults about my greed ! "you deserve to die of a heart attack who's ever heard of a man needing to eat a chicken pie at half past ten and you can save me a bit at the end no not that much and eat that lump first and HURRY UP!"
I ate about three quarters of it before it was snatched out of my hand, devoured with gusto and before I was instructed to go back and buy another ! "and see if they've got an empire biscuit as well!"
I opened my door and was getting out when I just couldn't resist growling, " I really HATE you Shirley!"
She grabbed my jumper and pulled me back in and with a look of real hurt on her face said, "Why? I don't understand ! Why would you say such a thing even if it was meant to be a joke ?"
I didn't answer, pulled away and got out to get her pie, leaving her all scrunched up and withdrawn with a furrowed forehead, scratching her head and looking like she had no idea why I'd said what I did !
Needless to say we drove off ten minutes later with Shirley full of pie and desperate for a coffee !
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