Last year I joined my local Sports Centre to take advantage of an 80p over fifties reduction in the cost of a sauna and steam room ! Their scheme was falsely named Nifty At Fifty, a loathsome title for a load of lazy, grizzly old gits !
I went a few times but fell out with the staff who refused to serve me a Cappuccino for my free cup of coffee because they said I was out too early and should wait for the trolley with it's flask of yuk if I wanted a drink !
But I returned today and wished I hadn't !
I suppose old men are miserable all round the world but this lot were just depressingly dreadful and I sat surprisingly silent whilst they tore every issue to pieces !
Not one kind word ! Not one item that interested them or gave them any desire to discuss something interesting !
Just moan, moan, moan with the F word thrown in like bullets coming out a machine gun and not one man was under eighty !
I got up and walked out, went and had a fourth shower and slipped into the sauna where another set of even more angry men were at it again !
Actually, one man walked in and he was asked if he was OK and he replied and I'm not joking, " No actually I'm not ! I've had a camera up my backside and one down my throat ! My blood pressure's too high and they told me I haven't got Parkinson's after all but 'Boxer's Spurnt' so I've been on the wrong medication for years !"
I'm not sure what the second word was because they were all talking in the broadest Geordie but it meant he was 'Punch Drunk' !
I couldn't take any more as they each started retelling their own Sigmoidoscopy tales and this time I got changed and left !
I bought Shirley a present on the way home of a packet of soft-centred humbugs and giving them to her promised I would NEVER EVER say another negative thing !
Doesn't mean I can't write them though !
And it doesn't mean I wouldn't have liked to have joined in as I agreed with every word they said !
Friday, 31 January 2014
Wednesday, 22 January 2014
Sally-Part 131. THE BEST BIRTHDAY PRESENT A MAN COULD EVER RECEIVE !
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| MY OWN PORTABLE TOILET ! YIPPEE ! |
Not even a hint !
Then the doorbell chimed out 'God Save Our Gracious Queen' and I opened the door to find a man just lifting this down from the back of his wagon !
You see for forty years we've only had one toilet and Shirley thought that as I got older if I had this in the garage then I wouldn't have to go upstairs any more which irritated her greatly every time I would walk in front of her, disturbing her whilst she was watching Omnibuses of Coronation Street, Emmerdale or The Bridge !
Thanks darling but how will you empty it with your bad back ?
Saturday, 18 January 2014
Sally-Part 130. A SIMPLE HAIRCUT !
Yesterday after several weeks of being told I looked like our local tramp Mr.Smelly I went to have my hair cut at the shop Blyth Smartens, opposite our local football club Blyth Spartans .
I sat waiting for five minutes trying to look working class and ordinary by reading a really downmarket newspaper called The Sun .
I was hoping that the male owner of the place would finish first rather than the woman assistant as he's funny and very friendly but then I looked at his hair which was frankly a collapsed short Mohican with smart businessman overtones and thought that if he did that to me it would take two years to grow out at the sluggish rate my hair now grows !
But then I got the woman who didn't seal my neck properly, probably because it's too skinny and when she asked what I wanted she answered her question herself ! " Just a trim ? Ears cut around or not ?"
What's "Ears cut around?" I asked and she explained something technical that I didn't understand so I just said " Whatever YOU think looks best but please don't cut a straight line at the back across my real hair line as I know it's higher than any other man in the whole world and will make me look like the inmate of a mental ward !"
She didn't smile !
Just pulled back a little harder on my 'cape' making me choke !
I had taken my glasses off so was as blind as a bat but sensed a general disapproval within her of having to 'do' me !
" Can I ask" she sneered, " Who normally cuts your hair !"
"Me !" I replied with pride in my voice, " Why? "
" Because it's AWFUL ! This bits an inch and a half longer than this bit, there's a bald spot here, this line at the back slopes down and this one slopes up ! Am I the first one to mention it ?"
" My wife happens to think that I do a brilliant job, better than ANY Barber ! And it's not only because I save six quid doing it myself ! She says that I'm a wonder and she'll never understand how a man can cut the back of his head blind so well staring into a flat mirror without his glasses on !"
I started to suspect that my wife might have said things to me that weren't completely true just to save that six quid and to stop me wasting time going to town where I could have met other women and had a fry up in The Tudor Restaurant ! ( SEE Part110: How do wives just KNOW ?).
The hair cut continued in total silence and I never even got asked whether I was still working or where I was going on holiday ! It was THAT bad !
Still she did a good job and I made a grandiose and totally patronising gesture when I gave her a pound tip bowing my head slightly and saying, " Thank you my good woman and please take this and buy yourself something wonderful " !
She looked from the pound coin to me and back again several times and said nothing !
She couldn't bring herself to brush me down and just stood there with her eyes closed as I put my coat on and swept out of the silent shop itching terribly !
I think I heard a roar of laughter and several swear words relating to a body part that men don't have as I got into my car......... or it could have been my imagination !
I sat waiting for five minutes trying to look working class and ordinary by reading a really downmarket newspaper called The Sun .
I was hoping that the male owner of the place would finish first rather than the woman assistant as he's funny and very friendly but then I looked at his hair which was frankly a collapsed short Mohican with smart businessman overtones and thought that if he did that to me it would take two years to grow out at the sluggish rate my hair now grows !
But then I got the woman who didn't seal my neck properly, probably because it's too skinny and when she asked what I wanted she answered her question herself ! " Just a trim ? Ears cut around or not ?"
What's "Ears cut around?" I asked and she explained something technical that I didn't understand so I just said " Whatever YOU think looks best but please don't cut a straight line at the back across my real hair line as I know it's higher than any other man in the whole world and will make me look like the inmate of a mental ward !"
She didn't smile !
Just pulled back a little harder on my 'cape' making me choke !
I had taken my glasses off so was as blind as a bat but sensed a general disapproval within her of having to 'do' me !
" Can I ask" she sneered, " Who normally cuts your hair !"
"Me !" I replied with pride in my voice, " Why? "
" Because it's AWFUL ! This bits an inch and a half longer than this bit, there's a bald spot here, this line at the back slopes down and this one slopes up ! Am I the first one to mention it ?"
" My wife happens to think that I do a brilliant job, better than ANY Barber ! And it's not only because I save six quid doing it myself ! She says that I'm a wonder and she'll never understand how a man can cut the back of his head blind so well staring into a flat mirror without his glasses on !"
I started to suspect that my wife might have said things to me that weren't completely true just to save that six quid and to stop me wasting time going to town where I could have met other women and had a fry up in The Tudor Restaurant ! ( SEE Part110: How do wives just KNOW ?).
The hair cut continued in total silence and I never even got asked whether I was still working or where I was going on holiday ! It was THAT bad !
Still she did a good job and I made a grandiose and totally patronising gesture when I gave her a pound tip bowing my head slightly and saying, " Thank you my good woman and please take this and buy yourself something wonderful " !
She looked from the pound coin to me and back again several times and said nothing !
She couldn't bring herself to brush me down and just stood there with her eyes closed as I put my coat on and swept out of the silent shop itching terribly !
I think I heard a roar of laughter and several swear words relating to a body part that men don't have as I got into my car......... or it could have been my imagination !
Thursday, 2 January 2014
Sally-Part 129. I THINK I'VE BEEN THE SUBJECT OF HOMOPHOBIA !
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| WHOEVER THIS ANGEL WAS SHE INSISTED ON SIGNING MY PETITION ABOUT THERE BEING TOO MUCH FEMALE FLESH ON SHOW |
I am a heterosexual male who has spent his entire life staring at women and wanting to take them out to dine and regale them with my enchanting tales about myself before letting them take me back to their place where they would beg me to bestow on them a solid three minutes of splendour after which they would cradle my sleeping head in their arms and thank God for their good fortune !
Is that straight enough ?
I am not what anyone would call a pretty man and certainly do not put myself out there hoping to attract the attention of other men !
Is THAT straight enough ?
I have been known to retch at the sight of sheer female ugliness but THAT is natural and not a sign of Gayness !
I did once draw up a petition against there being too much female flesh on show at my market but that was because of the number of young, fat, cellulited buttocks and thighs, both short and tall wearing very very high cut-off shorts at a music festival ! (see photo !)
What I think I'm trying to establish here is that at no time do I think I look or try to come over as Gay !
So I wondered yesterday about an incident that happened at market just before Christmas a few weeks ago.
Two of the friendliest stall holders who have now left Newcastle WERE Gay and I thought of them as no more than genuine friends and great blokes who were both very funny, well educated and charming ! It was always a pleasure to see them and I was really sad when they left !
One of their mothers accompanied by a man came up to me and introduced herself and handed me a Christmas card from her son and his Fiance .
It was a gesture that touched me deeply as I am generally really unlikeable and over the years have never before had anyone send me a Christmas card !
BUT....and here's the point, the man she was with stood well apart during the exchange, did not say hello or communicate with me in any way and I think I now know why !
He obviously thought that I was one of those aging and revoltingly predatory Gay men considered responsible by the world at large for the corruption of the young !
In other words he silently treated me with contempt and loathing because he just took it that I was a Gay !
I have come to the conclusion that I was at the receiving end of a Homophobic reaction and I want to know who I can talk to about this with regards to taking legal steps to sue for defamation of character !
Or is it all in my mind ?
Perhaps he wasn't with her at all !
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