Sally-Part 106 . SOUTH TO PERSIA ! Part two of my round the world cycling tour !

I didn't cry but I couldn't speak when I held Angie for the last time before she mounted the Ferry steps . She had to get back to college and because I'd told everyone I was off round the world I was duty bound to get pedalling !

She promised she would write every day once I found a way to receive mail and would be waiting for me when I returned !

So I was on the quayside in Dieppe, watching her tiny figure disappear across the channel, just about penniless and still suffering from the effects of food poisoning and needing the toilet again!

The need to go quite blotted out the heartbreak of the end of a year or so's love and once I'd found and entered the public cubicles I had no choice but to use the most disgusting toilets in the world ! Squat of course and about one inch wider than my shoulders and covered from floor to ceiling in excrement both dropped and smeared on the walls !

What is wrong with people !

Mind you Ponteland public toilets aren't far behind !

I repeat, what IS wrong with people ?

Newcastle City spent a fortune a couple of years ago having an all bells and whistles self-cleaning public toilet built behind my market stall on The Quayside. It was

constructed by a team of four men contracted from CORNWALL who went home every weekend and their equipment was hired fron PENRITH ! Do we not have people capable of putting up a structure in the North ?

They took three months to flatten a small piece of land, lay on electricity and water and top their laboriously slow work with a prefabricated hut !

It cost twenty pence a go unless you were amongst the mean people who quickly discovered that a five pence piece would do the trick !

It never flushed away solid matter and it's floor was always drenching wet because of the self-cleaning mechanism which was a big brush on a cantilevered arm that came

out of a door and swept across the seatless toilet pan ! It's automatic toilet roll dispenser was often empty and supplemented by rolls tied up with string before being untied and dropped onto the soaking floor !

It's baby changing shelf was covered in the remnants of lines of cocaine and I once found an entire lumberjack's shirt stuffed down the pan just after a regular nutcase had been in there !

It's sink stunk of rot and the council never responded to my complaints !

Eventually, as part of their policy to save money the City Fathers had it taken down and in fact closed all the City's public toilets !

So now if I need a pee, which I generally do once I've set up my stall I have NO choice but to secret myself in a hidden corner and....well you don't need details !

Why aren't there spotlessly clean, attended toilets in EVERY street in the world ?

Anyway, rant over......I headed south towards Persia and hit Paris in a couple of days with three centimes in my pocket !

So in about five days I had lost my girlfriend, at least half my already low body weight, spent all my money on ineffective drugs and found myself riding a very narrow tyred racing tandem that although lightweight by the standards of the day, still weighed too much for me !

I knew my French sister-in-laws parents lived in the south of the city somewhere and so set off in search of an address I only vaguely knew in a direction which took me over every cobbled Avenue in the Metropolis !

So, worn out, sick, skint and starving I arrived by some miracle at their complex where their security guard took one look at me and refused to believe that I was who

I said I was !

I eventually fought my way in and actually received a warm welcome from the 'elderly' Madame Carton who only died last year aged one hundred and four, forty two years after my visit !

I left the next morning, clean and fed but as I was too proud to ask for money, just as skint as when I arrived and headed East to pick grapes in the Champagne region

!

Sally-Part 105. MY WORLD CYCLING TOUR PART 1 ! Sadly without photos as none exist !

Shirley thinks I should start writing an unembellished true life history so I'm starting with this absolutely honest account of my WORLD CYCLING TOUR !

When I was about twenty one I set out on a cycling world tour with my girlfriend Angie as rear passenger on my racing tandem !

I've just finished reading a book called Janapar, which means Journey in Armenian, about a twenty three year old Tom Bell's round the world cycling tour which actually ended in Yemen once he discovered the overpowering magnetic pull of the love he felt for the woman he had met in Armenia and turned his bike round to return and marry her !

And now, rather than carry on my blog with somewhat exaggerated accounts of nearly fictitious events, I've decided to write only the truth which, actually, is probably as weird as anything else I've made up !

I stupidly left my three year Foundation Garment and Lingerie Design course after a year and a term for reasons which looking back do make me seem hopelessly in need of serious help !

To outsiders I was bursting with confidence and ideas ! I was having a great time acting the goat off and on stage and frankly fell in love with a couple of women who quickly saw that I was a really rather shallow person !

Both of them gave me the elbow and this combined with being absolutely skint and starving and clueless led to my leaving !

I know it sounds pathetic now but it wasn't then !

So I left and continued being the fool in Brighton where masquerading as an artist I met Angie who had no idea that I was living on air and conned her into a relationship !

I got turned down when I applied for a bus driver's job and ended up as an auxillary nurse in The Royal Sussex Hospital where overwhelmed by the real needs of others I finally climbed away from the self pity that I can now see I had allowed to dominate me !

Whilst at the hospital my father, a doctor, had arranged for me to visit a psychologist whose office was in a mental institution in Essex which called for a train journey early in the morning !

By this time I didn't need any help and was brimming with happiness as all I'd really needed was a job and the unquestioning delight of a woman's company but I still went twice for some reason !

It might seem odd but at this time Shirley was being driven around Brighton by one of my brothers who actually pointed out his 'Nutty' brother to her ! Little did she know that I was the man she was going to meet and fall in love with within a few months !

Each time I got to the hospital  I had to walk passed the seriously mentally deranged before getting to the clinic where I asked to go for a pee before we started !

Irrelevent you might be thinking until I tell you that in week two the young South African doctor asked me if I thought I had a homosexual crush on him which I expressed in asking to use his toilet !

That was the LAST time I ever thought that I was the mad one !

He wrote to me a few times imploring me to return to complete the consultations but I'd had the kick up the butt that I'd needed and frankly have been as strong as an Ox ever since .

After a few months of nursing I couldn't stand it any more and ran a student cafe until I started making women suede hotpants for a few months in a posh shop in the centre of town  until I got this mad idea for the cycling trip which Angie agreed to accompany me on for a couple of weeks until she had to return to college .

We set off one August from London without decent clothing, a decent tent, with no camping experience, no map and little money !

Worse still we had never ridden a tandem before !

Within five miles of heading out to join my family on the South Coast we were knackered and our thighs couldn't go on so we caught a train and got someone to come and pick us up so we could regain some strength before catching our ferry from Dover to Calais !

When we got to my family's holiday home in Kent which coincided with our tour my mother apologised to Angie and explained that as she had no spare single beds Angie and I would have to share a double into which my mother had placed a bolster to prevent any physical contact occuring accidentally ! Angie thanked her for her thoughtfulness even though her hormones were flowing just as forcefully as mine !

We made landfall in France and managed to cycle or rather wobble about five miles before buying a rancid cheese sandwich from a roadside cafe which sat at the entrance to a cliff top campsite, our first and several more nights resting place as  I got rather very ill on our first morning !

Whether it was the cheese sandwich or the mussels which some fellow campers had invited us to share with them after they had gathered them freshly from the pools at the base of the cliff which were formed from the raw sewage which ran down the cliff from the exceedingly primitive squat toilets I never really knew !

But ill I was even if ILL does not convey quite how bad things were !

Though being young and horny I wasn't really ready to give up almost constant shagging, with or without my feet stuck out the tent as long as poor old Angie didn't mind me running to the bogs with gastro enteritis every half hour !

Well she said she didn't mind though looking back on things, the fact that she returned to England after two days seems to suggest now that she did !

Sally-Part 104. JONATHAN AND JAY'S WEDDING OF THE DECADE ! With more photos to follow as I gather them in !

SO LET'S START WITH THIS PERFECT IMAGE OF THE TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PERSONALITIES AND THE BLURRING ADDS TO THE ATMOSPHERE !

The Balmoral Hotel, Edinburgh's most prominent and prestigious venue had no idea that a new record was about to be set in it's Wedding Suite last Saturday when my new daughter-in-law's hairdresser managed to make her seventy five minutes late for her own wedding !

I THINK JONATHAN WOULD HAVE WAITED A WEEK !

The congregation waited patiently for two minutes and once it became obvious that no-one had the foggiest idea what was going on, the decorum cracked slightly at first and then rent right open as we all dropped our sophisticated facades and joined in a good old sing-song with me leading a tumultuous 'Knees Up Mother Brown' Conga through the dining room where the visiting elite stopped eating and gaped in horror !

The MC eventually managed to lock us back in 'our' room and we calmed ourselves down sufficiently for the service to go ahead, which it did beautifully !

" HELLO ! TALK TO YOU LATER !"

Being an hour behind schedule the welcoming sixsome was reduced to two and the hundred guests who had hoped to spend at least some moments chatting to the line up found themselves whipped through with little time to even say congratulations !

The poor devils were then herded back into the transformed ceremonial room where a delicious dinner awaited after the newlyweds had paraded through to the top table !

UNFORTUNATELY my best friend Michael managed to stand on the bride's train and rip it off her bodice just before this grand entrance and he got called a silly boy before the mother whisked out a needle and thread and reattached it !

JAY IS ONE OF THE WORLD'S TRUE BEAUTIES !

After that everything was truly brilliantly superb and as modest as I'm known to be, mine and the other four speeches were crackers and you can read mine in the two parts that precede this blog !

Jay's Dad was fantastically diffident and modest  and started everyone laughing !

Then Jay's Granny Reid, aged ninety four, stood and made a beautiful speech and told the heartwarming and heartbreaking tale of how the stole the bride was wearing was bought in Dunkirk by her then twenty two year old husband as he retreated from the battlefields of Northern France and hidden under his uniform as a gift for his wife !

Because he was the only driver in his platoon he took their vehicle on one ferry whilst the other men escaped on another ship in which they all drowned when it was sunk by enemy fire ! Makes you think doesn't it ?

I followed with my promised ten minutes which stretched to twenty five because everyone laughed too much and then the brilliant best man, Alastair, who'd been at school with Jonathan made everyone howl again with his version of their history !

JONATHAN AND HIS BEST MAN ALASDAIR PRACTICING WAITING !

Finally Jay's incredibly handsome, debonair and infinitely talented brother Tim recited a poem that he had written whilst eating his dessert !

To tell you the truth Tim is a fantastic pianist, composer and singer and it was him and not me who entertained the congregation during our interlude and sung his own beautiful song during the service as well as being joined for 'chopsticks' by his cousin Shona and on the Ukelele by his sister Jo.

TIM WHO CAN'T WORK OUT WHY THE PRODUCERS OF THE BOND MOVIES HAVEN'T CALLED YET ! ELLIOT THE 'OFFICIAL' PHOTOGRAPHER IS JONATHAN'S OLDEST FRIEND AND FLEW IN FROM MALTA ESPECIALLY FOR THE EVENT !

Tim would probably like me to continue on here about his superb physical attributes but I won't !

Because Tim, I have to tell them about the wonderful Piper and dancers who performed before we ate and the great Ceilidh we had for an hour of hilarity after the meal was finished and we were all stuffed and a bit unsteady on our feet!

All weddings should include a Ceilidh !

DJ JULES WITH HIS DANCERS:  FEATURING A SMALL FRENCH HORN PLAYER ON THE LEFT, TARA POLE DANCING IN THE CENTRE AND THE GROOM GIVING IT LARGE ON THE RIGHT ! THE BRIDE AND HER ENTOURAGE CAN BE SEEN MAKING SHAPES IN THE FOREGROUND ! I HAVE LEARNT SINCE WRITING THIS THAT IT IS MATT ON THE RIGHT AND NOT JONATHAN BUT THEY'RE SO SIMILAR WHO WOULD KNOW ?  SO I'VE LEFT IT AS IT IS !

And THEN the party really got started with my other son Julian setting up his own amazing sound system and DeeJaying the night away, forcing us all to dance to Psy Trance tracks which sounds like it should have been awful but was actually brilliant fun for all those of us who could drop their guard long enough to rock the hours away !

THIS IS HOW I SAW IT FROM MY SPECIAL POSITION WHICH YOU'LL FIND OUT ABOUT SHORTLY !

MORE DAMNED HIPPIES THAN YOU COULD SHAKE A STICK AT GATE-CRASHED THE BASH !

And then we went to bed drunk, partied out and much poorer !

So, as you can see, it was a fantastic day in the company of Jonathan and Jay's totally eccentrically drunk friends who are all top people in their chosen professions and should be ashamed of themselves and  some of their sozzled antics like podium dancing on The Balmoral's windowsills !

EVENTUALLY A FREEMASON FROM THE INAUGURATION NEXT DOOR JOINED US FOR THE LAST DANCE ! ON CHECKING HIMSELF IN THE MIRROR HE FOUND HE HAD TWO HEADS OF DISPROPORTIONATE SIZES !"

OH! That was me wasn't it ? Sixteen years off EIGHTY !

Sally-Part 103. THE SPEECH CONTINUED !

HE DIDN'T STAY STILL FOR A SECOND ! I THINK HE WAS CHECKING UP ON WHICH BEERS WERE ON TAP !

So I changed slowly into a full set of bright yellow waterproofed oilskins, including a Sou'wester, sea boots, face mask and snorkel!

This wasn't to assist at the birth which men did NOT do in those days as giving birth WAS exclusively women's work where men, useless at the best of times and not as now shown on the telly allowed to get in the way and sit eating a Gregg's sausage roll whilst watching Jeremy Kyle and texting or occasionally remembering that they have to say 'pant' or 'push' to a Harridan who's screaming obscenities at them whilst furiously bouncing up and down on a huge inflatable ball !

No ! My waterproofs  were because it was bucketing down and I faced a ten mile drive in an old Ford Anglia that had a dinner plate sized hole in the floor directly behind the bald front right tyre ! So I would be facing a drive through a deluge sitting IN a flood !

I wasn't worried when I arrived in the Hospital car park ! I knew our dog Muttley would survive a ten minute wait tied to the steering wheel on a lead long enough for her to get out through the hole and stretch her legs !

Before going to the ward to congratulate Shirley on having accomplished what I believed was and is a totally natural and virtually painfree act, I was shown into the Nursery and left alone to see my son who lay in a cot beside another new-born boy whose father was on his way.

All I can say is that what I saw did NOT please me !

My son was my double ! Very skinny and narrow all over with matchsticks for legs and a rather weedy, mewling whimper !

HOWEVER, in the next cot and here comes my confession and as yet unvisited was a HEAVYWEIGHT ! Fat faced, fat legged, broad shouldered and with an obvious desperation to get milk into his stomach !

He was an altogether finer example with an evidently high degree of intelligence shining out of his eyes as his extremely robust lungs screamed for what only a woman could provide !

Even his lusty cry sounded like " BOOBIES !"

Reaching into my pocket for the jar of Vaseline which I always carry, I eased each baby's wrist band off and changed them and the cots' name tags too before quickly heading out and holding the door open for a huge, smiling, healthy looking giant carrying a set of golf clubs !

And then I walked into the ward where I found Shirley sitting up and looking worried !

"Oh ! You poor darling !" she said, " I forgot to leave you instructions on how to make Marmite on toast didn't I ? You must be starving !"

I assured her that I would forgive her with time and told her that I had left the washing up neatly stacked for her to do once she got home !

By the way, in the next bed lay an exhausted Gargantuan !

Ever since then I've often wondered whether a very well built couple, possibly still living in Kent, have learnt to accept that their son would never inherit their overwhelming love of all their favourite things : BEER-FOOD-GOLF-SKI SUNDAY-BEER-FOOD-PIES-FILMS-VERY LOUD RAVE MUSIC-GOLF-FOOD-BEER-SAUNAS-BEER-TRAVELLING-PIES-TELEVISION-APPALLING JOKES-BEER-GOLF-WINE-HIGH SPEED DRIVING-DRIFTWOOD-GOLF-WINE-PLANTS-PIES-BEER-FOOTBALL-FOOD-CATS AND GOLF ?

If they do wonder why THEIR son has a peanut shaped head and not one resembling a basket ball with a grin that goes from ear to ear and an enthusiasm for absolutely everything----well the simple answer is I have their REAL one----and they can't have him back !

Now you two had better get on with things before I'm too old to bring up your kids !

Sally-Part 102. the first part of THE FATHER OF THE GROOM'S SPEECH IN FULL !

THIS CAPTURES THE DAY PERFECTLY- JAY'S BEAUTY AND JONATHAN'S EXUBERANCE !

( Loud applause and cheering as I rose to my feet ! )

My Friends,
                    I might sound a bit odd as at 4am I woke with that dryness in my mouth that we men know means a full blown double pneumonia is on the way !

" Shirley ! Are you awake ? "
"Of course I am ! You know I never sleep in a strange bed and I'm too hot and your snoring's impossible !"
" Shirley ! I'm ill! I said I didn't want to go on that open-topped bus yesterday morning in minus ten degrees and without my woolie hat !"
" Go back to sleep and man up!" she growled kindly !
" I need a cup of tea! I can't swallow !"
"Well you know where the tray is! But don't put the light on as you'll wake the neighbours !"
Uh? Wake the neighbours ?
So I made my tea in the pitch black and got back into bed wearing an extra jumper over my floor-length nightshirt and nightcap!
Shirley sweats profusely if it's over zero degrees and I wasn't allowed to close the full-width patio doors !
I sat up shivering and sipping my rapidly cooling drink and feeling for the braille strips on the dozen packs of tablets I'd brought with me !
" I won't be able to talk by this afternoon !" I said woefully, " You'll have to read my speech for me !"
" You ! Miss a chance to talk about yourself?" she quipped in that playful way a wife does, "Knowing you and your love of the spotlight you'll use sign language if you have to !"
And we laughed heartily until we fell back to sleep cradled in each other's arms !

Well anyway, if you'd been with me when I first went to the bathroom this morning to empty my hot water bottle you would have seen and heard three great sobs heave their way up from my toes and shake my entire frame !
The first when looking at my body under the dreadful hotel lighting and I realised that my self-devised exercise programme of one whole press up each day for three days had made no difference to my biceps or thigh muscles in preparation for tonights Ceilidh !
The second when I realised that, as many of you gents sitting here appear to have also realised, that 'Regain For Men' doesn't work !
And the third when I thought about the cries of " NO ! NO !" which would roar through this room when I announced that this would be my fifth and final wedding speech ! And with only ten minutes and not my usual hour effort, I don't have time to explain how it's my fifth when I only have three children !

So, finally, after thirty nine years I have a full house and I stand here before you as proud and happy as a man can possibly be !
Three beautiful daughters, Gemma, Janny and now Jay and three-erm-sons !
Jay, my latest addition is absolutely stunning today-but then she always is !

Now, I know that whenever a wedding is announced we men enter a period of gloom because we know that to help our better halves we will be forced to live without puddings, biscuits and cakes....until today !

This is it then ! Three children all married off to lucky spouses and as Shirley and I aren't planning on having any more, but who knows and before my ailing brain forgets anything else like " Why have I come to the bathroom ? or " What am I doing at this junction ?" or " What did Shirley tell me not to forget to buy ?" I've decided that, whatever the consequences, today has to be the day that I confess to a terrible deed which has been troubling me since 1973-in fact since the day my oldest son was born nearly forty years ago !

And in fact in just over a fortnight one very lucky lady is going to celebrate being married to me for forty years !

As you all know, I am a hugely successful businessman and I believe that behind every successful man is a surprised woman and no one could be more surprised than my lovely wife !

D'you know-because I forgot to say it before-when I woke from a quick nap during the service I actually looked at the groom and thought, " I've got a son about his age ! I wonder if he'll ever get married and I do hope he's got over me wopping him at golf last month !"

Well ! On the thirteenth of November 1973 I popped Shirley into Ashford Hospital in Kent for what was then considered-before the days of 'One Born Every Minute'-woman's stuff-a slight inconvenience and a brief diversion from the usual enjoyable tasks of ensuring the happiness of a husband !

Later that day Matron phoned me to say something like, " Your wife's lost her waters and dilated to four feet !" or whatever Twinkles do and that I'd better get in !

To Be Continued !