Sally-Part 102. the first part of THE FATHER OF THE GROOM'S SPEECH IN FULL !

THIS CAPTURES THE DAY PERFECTLY- JAY'S BEAUTY AND JONATHAN'S EXUBERANCE !

( Loud applause and cheering as I rose to my feet ! )

My Friends,
                    I might sound a bit odd as at 4am I woke with that dryness in my mouth that we men know means a full blown double pneumonia is on the way !

" Shirley ! Are you awake ? "
"Of course I am ! You know I never sleep in a strange bed and I'm too hot and your snoring's impossible !"
" Shirley ! I'm ill! I said I didn't want to go on that open-topped bus yesterday morning in minus ten degrees and without my woolie hat !"
" Go back to sleep and man up!" she growled kindly !
" I need a cup of tea! I can't swallow !"
"Well you know where the tray is! But don't put the light on as you'll wake the neighbours !"
Uh? Wake the neighbours ?
So I made my tea in the pitch black and got back into bed wearing an extra jumper over my floor-length nightshirt and nightcap!
Shirley sweats profusely if it's over zero degrees and I wasn't allowed to close the full-width patio doors !
I sat up shivering and sipping my rapidly cooling drink and feeling for the braille strips on the dozen packs of tablets I'd brought with me !
" I won't be able to talk by this afternoon !" I said woefully, " You'll have to read my speech for me !"
" You ! Miss a chance to talk about yourself?" she quipped in that playful way a wife does, "Knowing you and your love of the spotlight you'll use sign language if you have to !"
And we laughed heartily until we fell back to sleep cradled in each other's arms !

Well anyway, if you'd been with me when I first went to the bathroom this morning to empty my hot water bottle you would have seen and heard three great sobs heave their way up from my toes and shake my entire frame !
The first when looking at my body under the dreadful hotel lighting and I realised that my self-devised exercise programme of one whole press up each day for three days had made no difference to my biceps or thigh muscles in preparation for tonights Ceilidh !
The second when I realised that, as many of you gents sitting here appear to have also realised, that 'Regain For Men' doesn't work !
And the third when I thought about the cries of " NO ! NO !" which would roar through this room when I announced that this would be my fifth and final wedding speech ! And with only ten minutes and not my usual hour effort, I don't have time to explain how it's my fifth when I only have three children !

So, finally, after thirty nine years I have a full house and I stand here before you as proud and happy as a man can possibly be !
Three beautiful daughters, Gemma, Janny and now Jay and three-erm-sons !
Jay, my latest addition is absolutely stunning today-but then she always is !

Now, I know that whenever a wedding is announced we men enter a period of gloom because we know that to help our better halves we will be forced to live without puddings, biscuits and cakes....until today !

This is it then ! Three children all married off to lucky spouses and as Shirley and I aren't planning on having any more, but who knows and before my ailing brain forgets anything else like " Why have I come to the bathroom ? or " What am I doing at this junction ?" or " What did Shirley tell me not to forget to buy ?" I've decided that, whatever the consequences, today has to be the day that I confess to a terrible deed which has been troubling me since 1973-in fact since the day my oldest son was born nearly forty years ago !

And in fact in just over a fortnight one very lucky lady is going to celebrate being married to me for forty years !

As you all know, I am a hugely successful businessman and I believe that behind every successful man is a surprised woman and no one could be more surprised than my lovely wife !

D'you know-because I forgot to say it before-when I woke from a quick nap during the service I actually looked at the groom and thought, " I've got a son about his age ! I wonder if he'll ever get married and I do hope he's got over me wopping him at golf last month !"

Well ! On the thirteenth of November 1973 I popped Shirley into Ashford Hospital in Kent for what was then considered-before the days of 'One Born Every Minute'-woman's stuff-a slight inconvenience and a brief diversion from the usual enjoyable tasks of ensuring the happiness of a husband !

Later that day Matron phoned me to say something like, " Your wife's lost her waters and dilated to four feet !" or whatever Twinkles do and that I'd better get in !

To Be Continued !