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| HE DIDN'T STAY STILL FOR A SECOND ! I THINK HE WAS CHECKING UP ON WHICH BEERS WERE ON TAP ! |
This wasn't to assist at the birth which men did NOT do in those days as giving birth WAS exclusively women's work where men, useless at the best of times and not as now shown on the telly allowed to get in the way and sit eating a Gregg's sausage roll whilst watching Jeremy Kyle and texting or occasionally remembering that they have to say 'pant' or 'push' to a Harridan who's screaming obscenities at them whilst furiously bouncing up and down on a huge inflatable ball !
No ! My waterproofs were because it was bucketing down and I faced a ten mile drive in an old Ford Anglia that had a dinner plate sized hole in the floor directly behind the bald front right tyre ! So I would be facing a drive through a deluge sitting IN a flood !
I wasn't worried when I arrived in the Hospital car park ! I knew our dog Muttley would survive a ten minute wait tied to the steering wheel on a lead long enough for her to get out through the hole and stretch her legs !
Before going to the ward to congratulate Shirley on having accomplished what I believed was and is a totally natural and virtually painfree act, I was shown into the Nursery and left alone to see my son who lay in a cot beside another new-born boy whose father was on his way.
All I can say is that what I saw did NOT please me !
My son was my double ! Very skinny and narrow all over with matchsticks for legs and a rather weedy, mewling whimper !
HOWEVER, in the next cot and here comes my confession and as yet unvisited was a HEAVYWEIGHT ! Fat faced, fat legged, broad shouldered and with an obvious desperation to get milk into his stomach !
He was an altogether finer example with an evidently high degree of intelligence shining out of his eyes as his extremely robust lungs screamed for what only a woman could provide !
Even his lusty cry sounded like " BOOBIES !"
Reaching into my pocket for the jar of Vaseline which I always carry, I eased each baby's wrist band off and changed them and the cots' name tags too before quickly heading out and holding the door open for a huge, smiling, healthy looking giant carrying a set of golf clubs !
And then I walked into the ward where I found Shirley sitting up and looking worried !
"Oh ! You poor darling !" she said, " I forgot to leave you instructions on how to make Marmite on toast didn't I ? You must be starving !"
I assured her that I would forgive her with time and told her that I had left the washing up neatly stacked for her to do once she got home !
By the way, in the next bed lay an exhausted Gargantuan !
Ever since then I've often wondered whether a very well built couple, possibly still living in Kent, have learnt to accept that their son would never inherit their overwhelming love of all their favourite things : BEER-FOOD-GOLF-SKI SUNDAY-BEER-FOOD-PIES-FILMS-VERY LOUD RAVE MUSIC-GOLF-FOOD-BEER-SAUNAS-BEER-TRAVELLING-PIES-TELEVISION-APPALLING JOKES-BEER-GOLF-WINE-HIGH SPEED DRIVING-DRIFTWOOD-GOLF-WINE-PLANTS-PIES-BEER-FOOTBALL-FOOD-CATS AND GOLF ?
If they do wonder why THEIR son has a peanut shaped head and not one resembling a basket ball with a grin that goes from ear to ear and an enthusiasm for absolutely everything----well the simple answer is I have their REAL one----and they can't have him back !
Now you two had better get on with things before I'm too old to bring up your kids !
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