Sally-part 149. WHY SHIRLEY WON'T BE GOING TO JOSH GROBAN'S CONCERT THIS YEAR !

JOSH SIGNING AUTOGRAPHS FOR EVERYONE WHO WANTED ONE A FEW YEARS AGO IN MANCHESTER ! SADLY SHIRLEY CAN'T BE SEEN GETTING HER PROGRAMME SIGNED AS SHE HAD BEEN KNOCKED TO THE GROUND AND TRAMPLED UNDERFOOT IN THE STAMPEDE TO GET TO THE MAN !

You would have to be dead not to know that ever since discovering the twenty one year old Josh Groban twelve or so years ago Shirley has read every single word written about him to date and seen him live seven times including a return trip one supposedly summery July evening from Cornwall where we were on holiday to Hampton Court Palace in London in one day to sit frozen to the bone as an Arctic blast set the entire audience and performers shivering to pieces !

It was even worse for me because I had borrowed a very early version of a digital camera from my daughter Gemma to record the show on, only to find that the primitive memory card could either take about twenty still shots or thirty seconds of video, all of which I lost when I later ignorantly pressed 'FORMAT' whilst trying to show Shirley the tiny amount I'd captured whilst actually missing the entire show because I couldn't concentrate on two things at once ! Oh ! And I was typically sat behind the biggest man in the audience who completely blocked my view !

Have you ever tried using an unfamiliar digital camera in the dark, illegally, with white fingers aching from the cold and eyes that couldn't read the tiny instructions or work out what the symbols on the screen even meant ?

We had only just driven from Newcastle the ten hours to Cornwall the very day after having driven the three hours back from Glasgow where we had seen him in concert as well !

I will do anything for my wife but this was well beyond the call of duty and only further confirmed in her mind the mistake she had made all those years ago in marrying me instead of waiting thirty more years for Josh to be born and start singing !

Well anyway, he's touring again in November this year which I read about whilst we were away a few weeks ago but as there was no way to buy a ticket at the time shirley waited the couple of days until we got home before plugging in her laptop to take a look !

Shirley called through to me devastated ! All the decent tickets for each of the three performances he was giving were gone.....Manchester, Birmingham and London !

It was true ! There was one single one left about fifty rows back in the upper gallery !

The touts had got them all !

And that Josh Groban, if you ever get to read this, is DIABOLICAL, not just for your show but for all seats at every show !

Within hours decent seats were reappearing on the web for £200 each and more !

Bought purely to make an absurd profit on and take advantage of true fans !

So we are not going aren't we not ?

Well the thing is that Josh's new album has some absolutely wonderful tracks on it which I'm certain when performed live will bring the audience to their feet as one and we (and I honestedly do include myself here !) REALLY want to be there !

So unless Josh's Tour Management agree on some more dates for which I can get tickets, my bank account is going to have to take a severe hit as some scumbag gets my hard-earned money !

Sally-Part 148. "DAVID ! YOU'VE RUINED MY BLUE COAT BY SLEEPING IN IT !"

It was a lovely sunny day last week in early April when coming back from somewhere neither of us can now remember we parked by the gigantic newsprint and wind turbine storage sheds and walked to Blyth's secret yacht basin and pier.

COULD BE THE MED !

After a ten minute stroll along the ancient wooden structure, straight into the face of almost no breeze at all, tutting at anything we saw, like fishermen doing nothing more innocuous than sitting quietly watching their lines or dogs on the beach, full of beans having a great time running for miles and swimming after sticks, we returned to the dunes where after dismissing the sheer enjoyment that some teenage lads were having running into the flat calm sea as vandalism that deserved them being locked up for ever and the key thrown away, we fell into a deep sleep !

WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT THAT THIS WOULD LEAD TO BEAUTY ?

I was woken from yet another 'losers' dream by Shirley demanding something incoherent !

"Burliurch ?" I stuttered, meaning to say, "What have I done NOW ?", tripping over my swollen desert-dry tongue !

"I said, you deaf idiot, WHY have you got MY blue coat on ?"

"Why have I WHAT ?" I replied, suddenly fully alert and looking down, saw that I was indeed wearing her blue coat and not my own ! How HAD I managed that when we have our own hooks ?

"I thought that you were looking particularly stupid when we were walking along ! Look at it ! The sleeves are too short, it hardly covers your arse and the zip's the wrong way round and I've looked after it for years and now you've ruined it by sleeping in it ! It looks like a sack and you look Gay and I am just too embarrassed to be seen walking along with you !"

TRYING TO RIDE A THIN WHEELED BIKE DOWN THE PIER IS NOT TO BE RECOMMENDED !

She often has a go at me and I generally feel aggrieved that I get blamed for everything but this time I knew she was right !

My mind is definitely on the blink and I, well both of us if the truth is to be known, forget things that I/we would never have forgotten in the past !

I think of things to note down before I forget them and have forgotten them before I've found a pen to note them down with !

We walked back to the car in silence except for Shirley's continuous,"My BEST coat RUINED !..RUINED !....God you are SUCH a liability !" raining down on my tinnitissian wrecked ears !

I resolved to pay more attention in the future and eat walnuts to improve my brainpower and we drove the entire half mile home in tight-jawed loathing of each other !

After I'd unlocked the front door, Shirley hissed at me through her still clenched jaws, "Now get my coat OFF you stupid, forgetful, impossible-to-live-with TWERP ! I'll NEVER get those creases out ! GOD ! What did I ever see in you ?"

I didn't, for once, bother arguing as I felt guilty as charged and went to hang her coat back up on her hook but couldn't because there was already a blue coat on her hook and I just stood agog trying to work out why I would have hung my blue coat on HER hook.......and then something dawned in my tiny brain.......!

"Shirley ! Come here ! NOW !" I actually dared to shout !

"What fool ?" she snorted back ! " Hurry up, 'Deal's about to start!'

"What is hanging on YOUR hook YOU fool ?"

"MY blue coat. WHY twit ?"

"Because if THAT is YOUR blue coat then WHAT have I been wearing ?"

It only took another five seconds of both of us staring at my empty hook to realise that my coat was missing !

"Shirley ! My coat's not there ! I must have left it somewhere but I haven't been anywhere have I ?"

"How am I supposed to know where you've been ? You'd forget your own stupid head if you didn't have me to organise every single thing in your pathetic little life !" she joshed playfully !

I stared at her and then at her coat and then at my empty hook and then at what I was wearing !

"Then what is THIS ?"

"Well I've never seen it before so there's no point asking ME !"

I think it dawned on both of us at precisely the same time that what I was wearing WAS my coat, the one that I had been wearing for about three years and that in fact fitted me perfectly, covered my arse and fitted to my wrists !

I really have NO idea what's going to happen as we start to really get old and forgetful !

Sally-Part 147. I AM NOT PARANOID BUT EVERYONE'S STARING AT ME !

Last Friday, late January, I suddenly fancied a sauna and a Turkish bath so dropped my cutting knife (What else does one do with a knife ? Stab I suppose !) and walked through to announce my intention to Shirley who was watching another film illegally !

I was going to nip along to my local 'Nifty at Fifty' which should be more accurately renamed 'Nearly Dead at Ninety' once the council look in on the decrepit old toads leaking into the Jacuzzi but Shirley suggested I treated myself to Whitley Bay's Leisure Suite and also recommended driving one eighth of a mile to the beach car park's far end from where I could then catch a bus the 5 miles to the place thus saving a quid on petrol whilst taking advantage of my free bus pass !

I sat alone downstairs on the deserted bus as even I think I'm pathetic for wanting to sit at the front upstairs and quickly noticed the bus driver staring at me in his rear view mirror !

I tried to ignore him but every time I glanced, he was STARING at me !

I furtively felt down to make sure my flies were done up which they're more than likely not to be  these days and reassured that they weren't open, causing his interest, tried to look like a dozy pensioner which isn't a difficult thing for me to do !

But still he stared !

I was so unnerved that I failed to press the stop button efficiently once I'd spotted my destination and as it remained silent the bus sailed through to the next halt, leaving me a half mile walk back !

Has anyone else ever pressed a bus bell inefficiently ?

I find these days that driving means I've never noticed things like how big the houses lining the sea front are .

Walking gave me the opportunity to stare at them and into them and I found the inhabitants staring back and reaching for their phones !

Well anyway the lady on the reception desk who managed to suppress a sneer as she fleeced me of £6:20 asked me in that dreadfully patronising way a fifty year old woman reserves for older men whether I knew where I was going !

I told her that I'd just follow the bright blue, clearly written 'SPA' signs with the arrows on and I was sure that I'd find it !

Unfortunately that answer wasn't good enough for her and leaving her Receptionist's seat which I happened to notice these days are made extra wide and coming round to the front she then, after placing her hand on my arm, instructed me on how to find my way by walking through various double doors, up flights of stairs and direction changes, none of which I paid the slightest attention to because after a lifetime of receiving overly copious ones every time I leave the house I now go immediately and completely deaf when a woman gives me instructions !

So I did actually manage to get lost and ended up in the Ladies changing room !

I very quickly turned around and left as the sights that greeted me of naked ancients was not a good one and despite their cries of "Come back young man !" I hurtled away !

I am uneasy in communal changing rooms and prefer my own cabin but needs must and aware that what looked frankly like many ex-cons hovering about elbowing each other when I walked in I was extra careful in not bending over to pick up my shorts whilst naked !

One particularly big bloke aged about forty just simply STARED at me with a Cheshire cat 's fixed grin whilst taking an age to get changed himself, folding up each article of clothing with studied care !

He suddenly piped up in a very curiously high pitched lisp, "I'm going to the Gym now ! Anyone want to chase me ?" and shot out giggling maniacally !

I felt ill at ease but after packing my clothes into my Asda bright green 'Bag For Life' I stuffed it into a locker, carefully pushing my pink leather change purse containing £1:20 in 20pees for a cup of tea afterwards to the bottom of it, I sallied forth without my glasses on and therefore BLIND !

Mr Magoo like I pressed my nose up against the signs outside the various 'rooms' but all every one said was....actually I can't remember what they said....and entered the first obviously steam room, finding myself surrounded by swirling clouds of mentholated super-heated water droplets which made me choke and gasping for my life I sat down without being able to focus on the activities going on around me  !

It was only when an allotment blackened hand squeezed my knee and a male voice simpered, "Hell LOW , YOU'RE new aren't you and such a big boy ?

Two seconds later I was out of there and stubbing my toes on the raised rim of the Jacuzzi, dived head first under the water coming up spluttering between a pair of fat man's thighs which had a neighbour's hand evidently protecting the chaps 'privates' so I leapt out of there and onto the most stupid thing of all, a roughly tiled heated reclined concrete bench that cooked anyone daft enough to lie on it !

 Hotter than I ever got in Egypt I stood under the ice bucket, pulled the chain and SCREAMED like a stuck pig and frozen half to death rushed for what fortunately turned out to be the sauna but realising after quickly finding my brain fried that Spas are the most stupid thing in the world and shaking with heat exhaustion stumbled for a shower where for some inexplicable reason I looked up into one of those appalling spotlights that have replaced proper bulbs which immediately triggered a violent visual migraine !

Staggering out to get dressed and bear in mind that this entire experience had so far only lasted four minutes I found myself towelling down in front of the same man who'd wanted chasing a few moments before !

Thankfully I spotted a man I vaguely knew from Blyth and called out, " Hello there ! How are you ?"

His response was neither expected nor welcome : " Not so bad now thanks ! I'm not bleeding so much from my rear end anymore and I seem to have got back the use of most things since my stroke three years ago !" (Strokes cause what's called 'disinhibition' which he was clearly still suffering from !) .

I threw my clothes on whilst I was still soaking and rushed out and down to the lobby bursting for a cup of Bovril and a packet of OXO crisps like I always had at the pool when a boy but they no longer serve such food of THE GODS !

Trying to ignore all the mothers who were ignoring their babies whilst on their i Phones I decided to go and have a cup of tea and a scone in The Rendezvous Cafe on the Prom !

I no longer cared that I'd blown £6:20 PLUS 20p for my locker and had decided to tell Shirley how much I'd enjoyed the whole thing even if she did notice that I was home rather sooner than she'd expected !

There's also a posh cafe at the back but I wanted a view so I sat in the fifties throwback,with plastic chairs and unable to look out onto the view I wanted because the windows were running with condensation from the cooking and the wet dogs which were allowed in and ate a rather dry item smeared with butter and jam and which exploded when I tried to lift it, scattering itself across a suspiciously uninviting table top !

No-one talked in the place and it really wasn't terribly nice but the scraps of scone I gathered up and swallowed with my tea re-energised me and afterwards I went and stood on the prom where I was swiftly joined by a very fat and old Pug dog whose owner couldn't shift it from where it had collapsed on my foot ! It smelt awful and feeling sick I forced my foot out from beneath it's bulk and went for my bus !

Now ! How come when as a car driver all I see is buses but when I actually want one I end up standing freezing and spotted by the local nutter ?

This charming lady in her thirties must have seen me from some distance because I couldn't help but notice her dreadfully knock-kneed enormous legs clumping rapidly in a straight line for me with her top half invisible behind a wreath of cigarette smoke !

"Con yee see it ?" she wheezed, "Cos I canna !"

Thankfully 'IT' appeared and I'm afraid I did NOT for the one and only time in my life, stand aside to let this fouly dressed vision of horribleness on first ! Shame on me !

I plonked my bus pass with the photo of me looking dead onto the reader, took my ticket and fled upstairs where a young man sitting alone in a front seat of the deserted level turned and STARED at me with incomprehension in his eyes ! I sat at the back....he sat turned in his seat and stared at me the entire journey back !

Perhaps I AM paranoid !

Sally-part 146. 'TWAS A SPIDER NOT MOULD ON THE CEILING OF SHIRLEY'S BATHROOM !

I DID NOT OPEN THAT WINDOW !

Whilst I was finishing off my last Blog, Shirley asked if I could go in and clean the ceiling of 'her' caravan bathroom !

To all you foreigners........Now THIS is what a 'caravan' is over here ! Ours sits high above Wigtown Bay in South West Scotland and here's the highly skilled man I paid to paint the decking painting the decking !

'Mine' is the larger of the two and frankly no couple should have to live with only one !

And this my friends is a typically glorious sunset seen from our decking !

She said that there appeared to be a light covering of mould which would only get worse over the coming winter months when we wouldn't be visiting .

So in I went, mixed up a mild bleach solution in the smallest sink in the world and dipping in my kitchen towel was about to start wiping when I spied a spider weaving it's web across the entire surface .

I've trawled through the internet and this is as near as I can get to what I let climb onto my hand before blowing it out of the window !

This web was in fact the 'mould' that Shirley had seen !

Anyway, opening the window wide I introduced the spider to the outside world and carried on cleaning the place despite the lack of mould because after eight years I thought it was about time to wipe over ledges and blinds and things like that that had gathered a small amount of dust !

OK so I admit it wasn't really a Redback but it was this real MONSTER !

I sat back down to edit my last post and felt a cold breeze and when Shirley saw me looking around, just before her first snooze of several, asked what was up .

I said that there was a strong cold breeze which was surprising as all the windows were shut and carried on writing.

Shirley came back from inspecting my cleaning project and said that she'd closed the bathroom window as that was the likely source of the cold air.

"Well I'd already closed it when I found it open when I went in to clean the ceiling !" I said, confused !

"Well I didn't open it and in fact haven't even been in there this morning as I used your bathroom  !"

"You used my bathroom ? Why would you do that ?"

"It's closer to the bedroom and if you didn't open it and I certainly didn't then that means it was open all last night and a burglar could have gotten in and taken all or valuables you idiot ! You're in charge of locking the place up at night !"

"I never go in your bathroom so I wouldn't have known the window was open so you should have closed it yourself and so I'm not the idiot am I ?"

"You're always an idiot and if you want any dinner you'd better apologise for calling me one !"

"I don't see why I SHOULD apologise as I didn't actually say you were an idiot did I ?"

"Do you want any dinner or not ?"

"OK ! I'm sorry ! What's for dinner ?"

"I'll tell you what though !" Shirley said as the mood returned to calm...for us anyway, "If neither of us can remember opening the window it's a bit worrying isn't it ?"

"Ah don't worry about it ! We're just getting older that's all ! Hey ! Guess what ? When I went in to clean the ceiling there was a spider weaving a web right across the place so I got rid of it before I started "!

"What did you do with it ? Not down the toilet ? "

"No No ! I put it out the window !"

Perhaps it's the cold that's affecting me or I really am getting old !

Sally-part 145. EGYPT WAS SOMEWHERE I WASN'T GOING TO GO BACK TO !

For those of you who have read EGYPT 2013, EGYPT 2011 or EGYPT 2010, you'll recall that I said that I would never go again as I was really quite scared at being in a Middle Eastern Arab country on the brink of political instability and at the mercy of armed guards should any of them decide to kill me for a bit of fun !

Since then the extremists in Syria and Iraq and elsewhere have shown themselves to be well organised, well armed and determined to sieze power and return the Arab world to a time when every aspect of life was controlled by Clerics.

They have beheaded western journalists and charity workers on video and posted their terror onto the internet for the eyes of those sick enough to watch !

Egyptian politics are in a state of uncertainty and insecurity with masses rioting in the streets of Cairo and....and....and.... WHY would I want to go back again this year !

Of course Sharm El Sheikh is hundreds of miles from any trouble and surrounded by speed bumps, armed police and soldiers and once inside the ring of steel all seems normal !

Of course it IS normal....the charming workers work and the holidaymakers relax .

I hit one or other of my elbows on joints in everyone of those slides as I screamed in fear on each descent !

The fantastic complex, The Royal Albatros Moderne, apparently had five hundred staff and five pools, a major waterslide park, about eight restaurants and a jetty six hundred metres long reaching out to the drop-off point where scuba divers ventured down a hundred feet to see what the snorkellers could easily see about three feet down without the risk of drowning or getting the bends !

The water was crystal clear and as one peered down from the three or four mid stages where ladders into the three feet deep water could be accessed one could easily see down the cleavages of all the lithe Russian supermodels cavorting in the water whilst being photographed by their much older and very podgy Mafia 'boyfriends' !

My son-in-law and I often found ourselves a long way behind our family admiring those podgy 'boyfriends' or discovering that we'd 'left' something on the beach or 'dropped' a towel much further back which meant we had to walk very slowly back to retrieve them !

I did say CRYSTAL clear didn't I ? Here's Derek leading Jack !

It was all Shirley's fault that I returned to Egypt this year because when Gemma told her that she was about to book, I was approached with the sentence, " Are you SURE you don't want to go to Egypt this year ?" "Absolutely NOT !" I replied.
"But you enjoyed it so much last year and I'm not stopping you from going !" "Yes but I promised you that we would spend more time away at the caravan this year and my taking a week away by going with Gemma will ruin two weeks at the caravan because of the flight times!" "Look forget about me !" Shirley groaned in exasperation, "I'll be alright ! Now do you want to go or not ?" (Shirley doesn't go to Egypt as it's too hot for her !) "Absolutely certain!" I repeated, "I'm ignored by everyone anyway, I eat less than a fly, despite the choice of about fifty dishes at every meal and even the little I eat will upset my delicate system whilst there and for weeks after I get back, I can't stand the ten hours from  waking up to arrival, hate flying, hate mosquitoes, feel sick if I accidently swallow even the tiniest drop of the extra salty Red Sea, can't sunbathe for even five minutes without my skin falling off, have to stay alert every waking second to make sure the children aren't falling off something, getting stung by jellyfish, are eating properly, washing their hands after going to the toilet where I'VE wiped their backsides, got sea sick whilst babysitting on dive boats, developed exploding piles riding a hideous Quadbike, been forced to shout out 'EGYPT!" with my eyes shut and whilst standing in the middle of absolutely nowhere under the only tree for a thousand miles so that we could hear an echo ! NO ! I don't want to go back EVER and I can live without Gemma screaming at me to 'GET BACK ON THE F#####G BUS !' when I got off it (leaving an unattended baby with an armed youth) to photograph everyone else riding camels into the 'Bedouin Night' where Daniel, then a few months old and I were 'greeted' by two utterly miserable and badly dressed 'guards' toting machine guns with spare clips in their hands before getting eaten alive by massive red ants! NO NEVER AGAIN !"

I told you the jetty was six hundred metres long and this was just a resting station half way along !

"OK ! Keep your hat on ! I was only asking!" Shirley said, reaching for the phone. "Hello Gemma, your dad definitely doesn't want to go to Egypt ! What ? The Albatross ? With it's own Aqua Park ? Right on the beach ? Fully inclusive Five Star resort you say with everything anyone could ever want ? I'll  tell him ! Hang on ! DAVID !"

I had been hiding behind the door and listening, squeaking with envy at the thought of what I'd be missing out on !

"COMING !" I called out, pretending to have no idea what she was about to say !

"David, the hotel sounds amazing and look, here's the photos and the recommendations on Tripadvisor and you DON'T have to worry about me !"

"OK !" I said in a split second, "I'll go !"

Laurence of Arabia dressed as me leading Jack !

It was fantastic, I LOVED our Camel ride and now I'm wondering which Hotel I'll be forced to go to next year !

Sally-Part 144. "YOU ARE A REALLY DETESTABLE MAN !"

I am NOT what I would call a horrible man so I was quite surprised, when driving over to Scotland the other day, my wife of forty one years suddenly blurted out, " You are a really detestable man and if I wasn't married to you, you would be the sort of man I would absolutely loathe ! In fact you ARE the sort of man I can't stand and how I haven't plunged an axe into your scrawny neck on any of a million occasions I'll never know ! "

Oh how we laughed and drove on in that companionable silence that accompanies an outburst of that sort !

To earn her wrath I simply wrote about the three dog-rage incidents I'd had in two days, including dog poo all over my hands on Whitley Bay's Municipal 'Pitch And Putt' course where I didn't notice the uncleared gifts I'd put my clubs down in !

Of course my nine year old grandson Dylan laughed his head off when he saw me running screaming into the nearest bunker to scrub my hands clean, which I managed, though without removing the stench !

The assistant disinfected me and the clubs which were smothered in the stuff and told me that there was a continuing problem with owners who bring their dogs onto the course and allow them to foul without clearing up after them !

So dog owners of Whitley Bay and everywhere else ! Clear up after your dogs or get rid of the dog !

A 'SWARM' or 'PLAGUE' of dog walkers !

I suppose that having had an uncontrolled Bull Terrier run full tilt within inches of my four year old grandson on the beach whilst it's owners sat gormlessly nearby on the beach started it off .

Then returning to my son's house where we were staying to look after his two cats who poo a great deal and by choice on the stairs or in the bath instead of in their TWO cat trays, I was greeted by the delightful sight of three slightly loose piles outside his front gate, blocking our re-entry !

So I went on a bit on Facebook about hating not only dog owners who don't clear up after their dogs but dog owners in general, especially those who DO clear up after them and then carry their dear one's little parcels in clear or just opaque plastic bags, on full display, like trophies, to prove what conscientious souls they are and the sight of which makes me retch for some inexplicable reason !

An unbloodrelated dog-owning relative wrote in response, " I'm sorry to read that I disgust you David!" to which I playfully replied,"You would disgust me even if you didn't own a dog!"

My rapier wit caused a ruction which saw me resentfully forced to write an apology for overstepping the mark !

And then to add insult to injury, the unbloodrelated relative 'Blocked' me before putting on one of those REALLY ANNOYING 'quote' posters which are apparently put on, according to research so it must be true, by people of lower intellect which read, 'NEVER APOLOGISE etc etc !'

That relative, with whom I share no blood, and I will be sharing responsibility for looking after three grandsons in Egypt shortly where I will be spouseless and therefore unprotected !

I might survive and I might not because without my wife I have no-one to advise me about my lack of an edit button and I may well say some other things which I consider hilarious and which others won't !

Keep an eye out !

By the way it's not just dog owners I hate, I hate everyone and everyone seems to hate me too though I have absolutely no idea why !

Sally-Part 143. A THREE P REFUND ALL THE WAY FROM SOUTH AFRICA !

When I was a boy I had an Aunt who lived in New York and once in a blue moon my father would 'book' a call to her .

I seem to remember it costing a pound a minute which meant that it cost more than four day's pay for a three minute call !

When I was sixteen I earned seventy five pence a DAY working as an assistant storeman on Saturdays at Woolworths !

So a call to The States was significant and expensive and not to be made lightly !

So what's all this about then ?

Well whenever Tescos delivers our shopping which is something they do about once every few weeks because we can't stand mixing with the working class people who frequent our local Supermarkets, they inevitably send items on the point of exceeding their 'sell by' dates, a loaf with a larger than acceptable air hole at one end, a lettuce with a slight browning of one leaf, apples of a variety other than those ordered, large pots of 'Finest' Coleslaw  rather than the 'Extra Creamy' one requested or Aunt Bessie's Roasted Potatoes instead of Aunt Bessie's ROSTI Potatoes as desired !

The 'ROSTI' problem has occured on more than one occasion and Shirley gets particularly incensed!

Then there are the inevitable frustrations caused by being overcharged by as much as three pence on an item and the maddening list of 'alternatives' supplied by overworked 'shoppers' who probably forgot to collect the wanted items when they passed them and couldn't be bothered to go back !

Whatever the reasons, Shirley gets straight onto the internet once she has expressed her frustration at me about the lack of storage space for three hundred pounds worth of groceries and informs the system of her concerns !

This is followed by a phone call the next day usually because to save a delivery charge she selects the free 10pm to 1am slot...and here comes the nub of the reason for writing the lead-in...from a truly humble administrative assistant in SOUTH AFRICA to tell her or more likely me, because Shirley HATES answering the phone, that the company apologises for any mistakes made and to let her know that the overcharge of three pence will be refunded to her account and that if she wishes a man in a van can be dispatched to pick up the nearly out of date products !

She never actually takes advantage of their offer so what happens is that I end up eating large quantities of 'on the turn' items that then make me ill !

How can phoning from South Africa be cost effective and why don't the companies have offices in the UK instead where people phoning me wouldn't be asked to repeat what they have said several times because I simply can't understand their accents ?

Well that's as long as the offices weren't operating out of Wales, Scotland, Ireland, Liverpool, Newcastle or anywhere in Yorkshire !

And don't get me started on the Africans, Indians and South Americans who phone me to tell me that I've won their National Lottery.....without even buying a ticket.....and all I'd have to do to receive several million pounds is to give them my bank details !

And I will scream if anyone mentions the calls I run to from the toilet that are silent or sales pitches from 'Home Improvement Companies' or anyone telling me that as a pensioner I'm eligible for a new boiler !

Sally-Part 142. AN ENCOUNTER WITH AN OUTTHRUSTLY BUSTY YORKSHIRE COUGAR !

Today Shirley and I touched index fingertips and swore never to go on holiday again !

It's summer and instead of sun we're sitting under lead-heavy cloud !

We went to a privately owned 'National Garden Schemes' or something garden that promised much, according to it's write up and delivered an overgrown mess!

Shirley's jaw set stone-like within one second of my putting ten instead of nine pounds in the honesty box and I then watched as it turned from stone into concrete before she asked for the car keys and left, almost apologising for making me drive fifty miles to see it.

Anywhere with garden gnomes does that to her....and me really !

I know just how long I can safely leave Shirley before she starts shouting for me so I stayed for a further ten minutes taking a few shots which thanks to my magic filter made the place look enchanting but no overcast day helps any garden look it's best.

I TRIED not to talk to anyone but had to say something to a plump grandiosely outthrustly busty lady with an appalling claim written on her T-shirt ! She was in her sixties or seventies and I found myself forced to assure her that I wasn't stalking her as I followed her behind an overgrown thicket or two along slippy paths too narrow for her immense girth !

She giggled in a deeply cigarette-damaged voice and rather to my chagrin SHE  turned into the stalker and I found it very hard not to bump into her on several occasions despite being aware that she kept trying to hide herself behind various trees and sheds once she had spied out my route along a series of darkly hilly paths !

She'd leap out of nowhere with her lipstick reapplied too thickly and her eyes freshly enlarged by Abba-blue mascara and ask in her grating rasp, "'ast thou t'seen Meconopsis Alpinatis 'cos if not I'll t'show yers !" or, "Thems Eucalyptusses are grand t'aint they ?"

EXTRA LARGE PHOTO FOR EXTRA LARGE NORKS ! ( face hidden for legal reasons and because it was hideous !)

I tricked her into taking a steep path upwards and saying I'd join her at the Rhododendron Nepalesearctus shot back to the car and sweating a bit too much for a garden stroll started the engine and drove off at high speed without checking to see if Shirley was in the passenger seat, which she wasn't as she'd apparently taken a stroll across the road to see the 'remarkable' contemporary copies of mesolithic cup and concentric ring carvings in a lower field !

I quickly realised she wasn't there when I hadn't been instructed how to drive for four bends and braking violently, reversed to find her steamingly angry and staring helplessly at her signaless mobile phone on which she was desperately trying to call our daughter Gemma to tell her what had happened and to get HER to phone me on the mobile I carry uncharged in the car for emergencies like this !

I skidded to a halt, threw open her door and yelled at her to get in when I saw in the rearview mirror the distressed fat woman charging down the road waving her wobbly arms at me, shaking her fists whilst sobbing and shouting out something about thinking we'd made a date and screaming, "ANOTHER LIAR!" as I hurtled away !

I was emotionally drained and try as I might I couldn't get Shirley to believe my tale of the 'Cougar' who had set her sights on me !

We drove on in silence as I quickly stuffed down my smoked salmon and cream cheese sandwich which Shirley had made for me this morning when she still trusted me !

"Shirley! She's mad!" I bravely ventured."Come on ! Talk to me!"

"You never change do you after all I've ever done and sacrificed for you! All I have to do is turn my back for one second, ONE SECOND and you're trying it on with another woman! Well I've had enough this time so you can just drop me here and go back for that...that Trollop and good riddance !"

I called her a dafty, promised never to talk to another woman ever again and she gradually calmed down enough for me to gently ease the carving knife out of her clenched fist !

"Cor ! Me and women eh?" I joked and joshed her under her chin until I coaxed a smile out of her as she wiped the tears that had been streaming down her face !

"I'm sorry for always going over the top!" she murmured, "But I can't bare the thought of living without you! Come on, I'm starving ! Let's go and eat !"...and the crisis had passed !

So there you go, I'd cleverly engineered an apology and brilliantly calmed the situation before the insufferable drive back through the overcrowded Ambleside, over the too-narrow Kirkstone Pass and the roads that endlessly twisted and turned along the uninteresting shores of Lake Ullswater before returning to my favourite cafe in Pooley Bridge where I yesterday absolutely refused to pay a machine in a car park seven pounds for a four hour stay whilst I sat freezing and bored to death on an uncomfortable and noisy boat trip....don't they know people need seats with backrests and not bum-numbing hardwood slatted benches !

Unfortunately Shirley's BATTERED Whitby Cod Goujons which I had specifically requested were BREADED, her Chips were awful, the Tartare Sauce foul and her Mushy Peas disgusting so I'm afraid her face quickly turned to stone once more !

WE ATE IN THE SHADOW OF THE BRIDGE WHERE WE WERE ABLE TO ENJOY THE SIGHT OF A LOCAL FARMER REPEATEDLY PASSING WITH HIS STINKING SLURRY TANK EITHER FULL AND SPLASHING OR EMPTY AND STAINED !

I wasn't allowed to complain and once I'd wolfed down my delicious Meat and Potato Pie, bought two slabs of cake to bring home and shelled out twenty five quid for something we could have bought for six quid in Aldi agreed NEVER to eat out or, in fact, go on holiday ever again !

Now where DID I put that Yorkshire woman's phone number ?

Sally-part 141. GETTING MY A### BITTEN !

We've eaten out badly so many times that we decided never to ever eat out again and to eat badly at home instead !

Today after a really poor day out in The Lake District firstly visiting a Tourist Hotspot Waterfall which because there had been no rain for a couple of weeks was more like a noisy trickle than a 'Force' and then a two and a half hour overcast Lake cruise which was frankly the least interesting thing I've ever done !

EVEN THE TREES WERE BORED !

We sat on the open deck in the overcast gloom and as there was no sun I froze as the thing sped up to eight miles per hour and the slipstream sent the passengers racing for the warmth and overpriced coffee in the enclosed salon below decks .

AM I THE ONLY MAN TO BE BORED SICK IN THE LAKE DISTRICT ?

The only other people who stayed on deck were a fat husband and wife with their foul aging Labrador which they didn't even try to stop interminably barking for the hour they sat there ignoring each other !

OH HOW I WANTED TO ! AND IF I COULD HAVE SQUEEZED OUT THAT WINDOW I WOULD HAVE...EVEN IF IT HAD MEANT LEAVING MY £1:80 PAPER CUP OF THERMOS FLASK COFFEE BEHIND !

I WAS SO BORED I PRESSED BUTTON THREE ! I JUST COULDN'T HELP MYSELF !

It's nearly July and officially summer in the Northern Hemisphere but we've been unlucky this year as when we've been anywhere it's been raining and/or freezing but then that's why we chose the end of June to return to The Signal Box at Cliburn where before arriving, Shirley wondered why she had chosen to spend a few days sweltering in what was bound to be a virtual greenhouse .

She needn't have worried as even the underfloor heating, supplied by a groundsource generator, has turned itself on automatically !

Anyway, returning home after an exhausting eleven mile drive Shirley climbed up to the lounge which was once where the signalman carried out his duties and fell into a coma after explaining to me how to cut ready prepared stirfry vegetables into even smaller pieces using a knife !

THE SIGNAL BOX WHERE GHOST TRAINS STILL HURTLE PAST AT MIDNIGHT WITH THEIR WHISTLES GOING AT FULL BLAST !

I don't do any cooking usually but as I simply don't understand what's hard about it, I set to with relish, even working out how to turn the hob on without any help and also cutting up some extra mushrooms to add that little something extra.

Well, the veg was frying away nicely and I had just added the stirfry sauce and was frying the noodles after microwaving them, as it told me to do on the packet they came in when the upstairs door opened and Shirley stood arms and legs akimbo staring down with her eyeballs bursting out of their sockets before finding her well known powerhouse of a voice and shouted down, " NO! For God's sake what are you doing ? You don't fry noodles you idiot and you should know that you NEVER use a metal implement to stir anything in a non-stick pan !

Well, I'll give her that bit about metal stirrers but it definitely said to fry the noodles and I meekly mentioned it !

"DON'T TRY TEACHING YOUR GRANDMA TO SUCK EGGS !" she yelled !

"It's written on the packet dear." I timidly ventured.

"I DON'T BELIEVE YOU FOR ONE SECOND !"

"Well it does !" I timidly ventured again, tears sprouting from my eyes !

"THEN PROVE IT AND IF YOU'RE RIGHT I'LL #### #### #### ! (I am absolutely forbidden to reveal the easily worked out promise she used though it's the same as the one used a billion times a day by women around the world and never carried out !)

SHE RELUCTANTLY ACCEPTED THE PROOF AFTER READING THE WRAPPER FIVE TIMES AND WITH ME IN A VULNERABLE POSITION WITH MY EYES CLOSED IN EXPECTED BLISS SUNK HER TEETH WITH FULL FORCE INTO MY RUMP !

I'll never trust her again ! (There is NO photo of her teeth marks in my buttock but imagine one of that biting footballer's attacks on a rival player and DOUBLE it !)

Sally-part 140. IN A TINY FREEZING FLAT IN MAY ON COLONSAY 2014 !

IT DIDN'T LOOK TOO PROMISING AS WE SAILED TO COLONSAY ! SHIRLEY SAID THAT MAY WAS VIRTUALLY GUARANTEED TO HAVE WALL TO WALL SUNSHINE AND BE ROASTING !

I was 'allowed' half an hour's electric this morning to warm the water just sufficently long enough for me to have an undignifying crouch shower in a bathroom in the attic with a sloping roof that even someone as short as my wife couldn't possibly stand up in !

We've come to a Scottish Island for the twenty fifth time in as many years to share an enormous five bathroomed house for a week with as many family members who can get here but first Shirley decided that a week was too short a time to make the harrowing 240 mile drive to Oban worth the effort so she booked four nights in the Laird's loft to get us here early .

OUR ATTIC WAS AT THE FAR END.

It's minute and sweet and not for a man who's virus wrecked lungs had to heave our goods up four goes at thirty two steps a time !

Yes that bloody virus that I got five months ago, described by each of the dozen or so consultants I've insisted on being examined by as a head cold has left me fighting for breath if I even slightly exert myself !

EVEN CARVING STONE COULDN'T CURE MY CIRCULATION PROBLEMS !

SURPRISINGLY NONE OF MY FELLOW CARVERS ASKED ME A SINGLE QUESTION ABOUT MYSELF.......BUT I TOLD THEM ALL ABOUT ME DURING THE THREE HOURS WE SPENT TOGETHER ! THIS IS ACTUALLY A VIDEO AND SHOWS HOW TIME SEEMED TO STAND STILL FOR THEM !

SO, electricity is on a meter fed by £5 cards and is set to use it all before you've turned the tap on !

Using a stopwatch and counting down from ten Shirley has worked out what it takes to have a tepid wash and shave and that's what I got !

After failing to dry myself decently on the damp towel Shirley had already used the previous night (she insisted it was bone dry and it was therefore unnecessary to make them launder a second) and supplied as part of the fifty pound a night deal I rushed out with dripping hair to let the gale blowing through the yard dry it off at a bone chilling ten degrees C which was twice the temperature in the roof before setting out with my mobile phone to walk up to our next stay to check on the strength of the signal in case my son-in-law needed to make alternative arrangements to be able to run his business whilst he reluctantly spends a week with his least favourite people in the entire world !

IT REALLY WAS THAT COLD AND RATHER DIFFICULT TO EAT AND READ AT THE SAME TIME!

I had a break after writing that opening to warm up by walking with Shirley for an hour to get her cooled down in the rain because whilst I shiver with white-tipped frostbitten fingers she collapses from heat exhaustion !

EVENTUALLY ON THE THIRD DAY I WAS BRAVE ENOUGH TO ASK MY WIFE IF I MIGHT LIGHT A FIRE TO HELP STOP MY NOSE FROM DRIPPING OR DROPPING OFF ! SHE DIDN'T ACTUALLY REPLY BUT SAT DISAPPROVINGLY AS THE ROOM TEMPERATURE ROSE TO 3*C !

We went through the grounds out onto the fog blown moorland and around the lake stepping off the rutted single track road each time one of a dozen vehicles crawled past, our rain-soaked glasses in our pockets leaving us blindly making for the next landmark building which generally eventually focused into a cow or a stick, depending on how much rain was striking our eyeballs at the time !

Many of the cars belonged to depressed day-trippers from the neighbouring Island wondering why they had ever thought that a day-trip in bad weather from one Godforsaken place to another would brighten their day !

Islands are funny places inhabited in the most part by thoroughly grouchy, unfriendly people !

Of course the holidaymakers don't realise this as each one expects to be greeted warmly and invited into every house for a 'wee dram' !

The reality is quite different, be warned !

And quite rightly too !

Damned visitors think that they can ask the shopkeeper any question they like and pry into the Islander's private lives or sit at the bar without offering to buy the entire community a drink and get their noseyness answered especially when their wives had given them such a long list of questions to get answers to !

OH ! So it's ME I'm talking about ?

Yes ! I have been rejected wherever I've visited and now don't bother even asking anyone those questions, knowing that at best I'll get a grunt and a back turned to my face and at worst a mouthful of phlegm containing the term Sassenach several times !

My wife did visit the bar once . She was looking for me, probably because I'd done something wrong or hadn't done anything at all and failing to spot me, summoned the courage to ask the four reticent men there whether they had seen a six foot man with a beard.

They stared silently at her and she left flustered and indignant to find me, six foot and BEARDLESS returning from the shop where she'd sent me to buy just one  medium sized potato. I loved those trips to the shop where people would gather round me watching a clueless nutter carefully comparing potatoes, muttering to himself about size and cost !

I've seen really wealthy people in there nudging each other and pointing at price labels three or four times the price of their home groceries or the long-expired 'sell by' dates, so I wasn't alone in wondering how we were going to feed our family for a week !

I am now eating the most delicious Chicken Korma, prepared for me by Tescos and frankly as good if not better than anything served in a restaurant and the two of us are sharing one very adequate meal which cost three quid !

On the way here Shirley said, " As this is probably the last time we'll ever come back and your business is doing so well shall we treat everyone to a meal in the Hotel ? Mind at twenty five pounds a main course plus drinks, puddings and starters for the greedy it'll cost the best part of two hundred but of course I leave the decision entirely in your hands !"

Well a couple of points here.

Firstly, I don't make decisions in my house and if I try to be firm and put my foot down it is rapidly pointed out to me what my place in life is and and told not to forget it and secondly, six adults and three children couldn't possibly cost that much in a pretentious 'Only Hotel On An Island' restaurant could it ? Well actually yes it easily could and I don't care how much money I might have, I would deeply resent paying that even if my face didn't disclose that fact to my ungrateful lot and thirdly, I ate and watched my wife struggle through the worst meals I have ever been served in my life when we called in for 'The Pre-Ferry Meal' several years ago !

I didn't complain !

Oh and I nearly forgot about the steak I was treated to by the two friends honoured with an invitation to join us for a week !

Just after I swallowed the first mouthful, my diaphragm went into spasm and I had to rush to the toilet where three poor strangers had to listen to me wretching my guts up which is what my body demanded whenever this occured ! Not nice but true I'm afraid and long in the past since it got sorted .
I returned to my seat to find the others not in the least aware that I had even been away as they stuffed their faces !

If things were bad to begin with they immediately got a lot worse as the agony returned and I ran out into the storm-lashed night to suffer another twenty or thirty bouts hanging onto an umbrella I had found in the porch and which caused Shirley the only concern of the night.....my using someone else's umbrella, not my condition !

The attack actually continued through until eight o'clock the next morning and what made the entire thing worse was that my friend was a Doctor who was unable to help at all AND he and my wife shared my uneaten steak !

Shirley's general reaction to anything traumatic I've suffered has never been to show compassion, like when I sliced my hand in two and she ran away leaving me not only to get myself to hospital and the surgeon's needle and thread but to clear up the blood when I got home the next day too !

Anyway, that's enough for now as I've just been brought a large slab of carrot cake with orange coulis frosting on top ! It's thick and I desperately need a mug of boiling hot coffee to get it down but reacting in a way I thought was best to Shirley's slightly sarcastically and impatiently drawn out, "I sah pozzze you'll need a coffee with that !", I replied that I was fine with the remains of my glass of water, left over after my curry !

Now I'm about to subtlely admit to needing one as I push my chair back !

I think I'll leave it for two more minutes !

AFTER TWO FULL DAYS SLOGGING AWAY AND FIVE OF MY TUTORS CHISELS BROKEN HE PACKED AWAY IN SILENCE AND LOOKING AT MY 'S' FOR SHIRLEY SAID, "THAT'S SHIT !"

Sally-Part 139 . WHAT HAPPENED TO THE THORNTONS DAD ?

Today I discovered that two adults CAN be mentally broken whilst trying to work out how an 'Induction' oven works in a holiday home !

I MENTIONED OUR PROBLEM TO THE OWNER ! HE LOOKED GUILTY AND  MUMBLED AN APOLOGY ! HE KNEW !

Shirley discovered a converted railway signal box close to the Lake District and booked a few days here without thinking about me and how exhausted I'd be travelling so far from home and now, jet-lagged and up after a deep sleep following a harrowing seventy mile saunter I find myself on the edge of a nervous breakdown having been driven close to insanity by an electrical device !

THE PERFECT HIDEAWAY FOR TWO ! NO NOT FOUR WITH TWO ON A SOFA BED UPSTAIRS EVEN THOUGH THEY SAY IT IS AS THE TOILET'S NEXT TO THE ONLY BEDROOM DOWNSTAIRS ! SORRY !

I was upstairs, surrounded by the ghosts of long dead signalmen and their levers, shut in by a heavy fire door and still in a stupor when my tinnitised ears vaguely heard something being shouted at me about a 'potato's feelings' !

I waited like all men for the third summons before shuffling to the door which I failed to open and instead wrenched my wrist tendons because I hadn't yet discovered that fire-doors need seizure-inducing amounts of energy to open them !

"Did you call ?"

"Three bloody times you deaf idiot ! I can't use these stupid potato peelers that you have to pull towards you ! They're alright for carrots but not potatoes, especially these stupidly small ones so can you take over !"

I took the award-winning triangular shaped nightmare and taking the tops off only three fingers completed the job of peeling four small potatoes in well under an hour !

Then for the hob, an 'induction' thing without any instructions for the touch switches a three year old could operate !

We searched the drawers, the cupboards, the oven, the two hugely over-packed visitor-attraction files which contained instructions for every other gadget and the dishwasher several times without any luck and as we grew weaker from repetitively climbing and descending the steep stairs finally found them sitting by the hob !

SO what you do is touch an etched sensor for two seconds which unlocks another set of sensors before deciding which ring you want to work by touching another sensor for two seconds and choosing a number between 1 and 9 !

You then have ten seconds to press another sensor for God knows what reason before the thing automatically turns itself off and you have to do it all again !

Occasionally the chosen ring would flare red for a second before going black again and neither Shirley nor I had a clue what we were supposed to do !

As we clung weeping to each other with the now overcooked fish in a bag dried to a crisp in the microwave and the pre-microwaved broccoli (I've just been imformed it was cabbage !) growing steadily colder the hob suddenly kicked back into life for another second before once more going off which it then did repeatedly for the ten minutes it took to cook and mash the little bleeders !

I sunk in gratitude into my seat, opened the free bottle of red wine which tasted of harshness rather than the 'smoked oak' and 'vanilla ovetures' the label promised before we ate in exhausted silence !

Because I have no WiFi here, have left my guitar at home and without sufficient padding on my rear end can't sit on the rock hard kitchen chairs to write this Blog I have since sat on a leather settee through four episodes of Coronation Street and Emmerdale which are indistinguishable from one another, staring up angry nostrils as the characters lie there way through the supposed lives of people who spend their torrid waking hours in a pub in a permanent state of aggressive confrontation with each other, eventually sleeping with every other person in their communities, whether of the opposite or the same sex before being killed by a crashing plane, drowning after losing control of their cars and plunging into a canal at three miles an hour or burning to a crisp at the hands of an arsonist !

Shirley, lying over on the other settee with a now empty box of Thornton's chocolates on her chest who watches this tosh snored her way through the lot !

Sally-part 138.MY SCRUMPTIOUS FULL BODIED FULL ENGLISH BREAKFAST VERSUS SHIRLEY'S DRIED UP YUK !

FULLY BOOKED AND UNDERSTANDABLY SO ! THE CONVERTED SIGNAL BOX WE RENTED AND THE SETTING FOR A TERRIBLE BREAKFAST !

There's nothing like a hearty fry up to start the day properly and using just slightly less than a litre of Virgin Olive Oil I can rapidly produce a feast for four that leaves my guests drooling grease down their chins and begging for a top up of tea to help wash down their Oxford Thick Cut Marmalade on toast !

The secret is of course in the timing, so bringing a giant frying pan half full of oil to smoking hot I drop in par-boiled sliced potatoes to saute before adding the sausages, then the onions and then the mushrooms, allowing them to swim and sizzle for a while before moving them to one side to get the tomatoes and the bacon going !

Once done I spoon them into a sieve and let them drip for ten minutes before pouring the mountain of splendour onto a huge serving platter and sliding that into a hot oven before lowering several slices of bread into the pan to fry in the flavoured oil residue and frying two eggs per person without forgetting the eight slices of buttered toast and pots of tea and coffee !

Yesterday, before going out for a drive Shirley decided that SHE would cook us a breakfast, commenting that she would do it as she'd only brought a couple of thimblefuls of oil to both cook and prepare salads with and she couldn't imagine what sort of mess I'd create if I was let loose !

SHIRLEY ALWAYS MARKS HER EXTRA VIRGIN OLIVE OIL BOTTLES ! HERE YOU CAN SEE HOW MUCH SHE USED FOR TWO FRY-UPS AND THREE SALADS !

Shirley was as supple as a snake in our youth but now suffers from a collapsed pelvic girdle and pubic tendons or some such ailment which means that for the first three hours each day she can only stand for no more than three minutes without letting out great yelps of pain when she moves !

She also suffers from her condition for the remaining thirteen hours of her waking day which is apparently why she spends so much time sitting reading about Josh Groban on her laptop !

I felt really guilty sitting reading as she prepared breakfast, letting out grunts and gasps of pain !

"Sit down for goodness sake and let me do it !" I thought without actually saying it as saying it would have annoyed her !

Now, the 'induction' hob is a nightmare to operate and neither of us have mastered it so I was of no help whatsoever as Shirley failed to get the ring to maintain the required heat to actually fry an egg rather than eventually warm it to the consistency of a second world war lorry tyre !

TECHNOLOGY BEYOND THE LIMIT OF OUR COMBINED BRAINPOWER !

I CHALLENGE ANYONE TO MAKE SENSE OF THIS !

She managed to bake the sausages in no oil at all, even regularly emptying out the tasty oil which slowly leaked out of them, reducing them to a withered state resembling what I think my penis will look like ten years after I've died !

The baby tomatoes and sliced onions which supplied the only flavours were slightly heated in the oven and WERE chewable if you bit down really firmly !

I had just finished my morning mug of coffee which I'd let go cold before I'd started eating and daren't have another one before our outing as I knew Shirley tends to get slightly irritated whenever I have to pull into a layby for a pee !

OH WHY DID I NOT SAVE SOME COFFEE ? IT MIGHT HAVE HELPED ME SWALLOW THE UNSWALLOWABLE !

So I ate dry, if not very dry, sipping on a small glass of warmed through water to prevent the agony of 'an attack' when my diaphragm goes into spasm as I swallow the first mouthfuls of any meal Shirley cooks !

My thinly buttocked backside ached because I was sat squeezed tightly onto a hard, sharp-edged right-angled wooden chair unable to breathe or move and not daring to push the table away from me a little because 1. It would have screamed along the floor annoying Shirley, 2. With restricted width in the narrow kitchen Shirley wouldn't have been able to get into the fridge which would have annoyed her and 3. Doing anything annoys Shirley !

Without tomato sauce, which apparently I forgot to bring, the tasteless and altogether horrible meal took some bravery to chomp through though eventually I discovered that spreading unutterably unbuttery 'Utterly Butterly' on my barely toasted slabs of compressed white sawdust made it all just edible ! ( The bread was barely toasted because Shirley dreaded setting off the unreachable smoke alarm which was screwed to the ceiling ten feet up ! )

THE SMOKE ALARM THAT NEVER WENT OFF !

I thanked her for my meal which annoyed her and held the rucksack open as she piled in several dozen essential items like her spare shoes, spare spare shoes and her now wrecked silk scarf torn to blazes by the velcro tabs on her Goretex coat, bottle of frozen water which would gradually melt and soak everything else, anti-thigh rub gel, a single packet of crushed 'cheap' Asda crisps and her apple, a single boiled sweet each and my fun size chocolate bar !

I COULD HAVE EATEN A TASTY BREAST FROM ONE OF THESE FREE RANGE BEAUTIES RIGHT OUTSIDE MY FRONT DOOR !

Now TODAY with only a bowl of porridge for breakfast we walked a mile around a National Trust parkland soaked in stinking sheep's urine before wending our way to Pooley Bridge for a two and a half hour nightmare for me on a Lake Cruise which would see me green with seasickness however smooth the water ! (Fortunately the wind was too cold and we stayed on land !)

On the way we passed a magnificent Country Pub which offered 'Home Made Food' and I suggested stopping there for some lunch .

" Home Made Food !" she scoffed, " I would have thought that that was the last thing you wanted after yesterday's breakfast !"

And of course she was right ! Why would any man choose 'Home Made' when he'd spent a life eating indegestible meals cooked at home with resentment ?

ONLY JOKING ! Shirley IS a slightly reluctant chef but produces delicious meals all the same ! PHEW !

Well referring back to my 'suggesting' the pub, anyone who has read any of my blogs knows that it's a waste of breath for me to 'suggest' ANYTHING !

My 'suggestions' are invariably rejected as Shirley has long decided on a plan of action and today she had already chosen  Granny Dowbekin's Cafe, described on Tripadvisor as superb !

We stood outside the place whilst I was read each item and 'advised' that I wouldn't eat any of them especially the MEAT AND POTATO PIE as it was bound to have gristle in it ! BUT we did go in and we ate MAGNIFICENTLY without ANY gristle at all and it was SO tasty with the best pastry I've ever eaten ! In fact I had a corner piece and the thick crust was like a cake and I ended up picking it up in my fingers to finish it off ! YUM YUM !

And their heavenly Bread And Butter Pudding was the finest I'd ever eaten as well, although Shirley looked less than impressed with what she called "A School Dinner and what I ate every Saturday when I worked at Woolworth's !" before falling thankfully silent and WOLFING down every last scrap !

The staff were really top class and friendly and I will add my opinion onto Tripadvisor too !

So well done Granny's, I can't wait to eat at your place again and I have not eaten a thing since lunch and you might have noticed that when I paid the bill Shirley peeped around my back and asked for a slice of Lemon Drizzle Cake to take home which now eight hours after the meal we have just eaten and was delicious too !

Finally, when I say 'WE' she parsimoniously and VERY reluctantly passed me three unbelievably tiny tip-of-a-teaspoon teasers !

Sally-Part 137. STRUTH !

FORTY YEARS AGO NO ONE WOULD HAVE BET A PENNY ON US STILL BEING TOGETHER AND BEST FRIENDS !

STRUTH !

it was about 10am and I was trying to think hard about what the nub of my problem is, which is why nobody likes me when my thoughts were broken into by quite an impatient,"D'you prefer your egg whole or 'omeletted' ?" shouted through with just a touch of irritation !

"Omeletted please ! Or whatever's easiest and puts least pressure on your aching hip seeing as you won't let me cook breakfast for you because of the mess you say I'll leave !" replied to with just the right amount of humility to really annoy her !

"Well you wanted it whole the other day !", returned with slightly more irritation !

"Then whole'll be fine thanks !", replied with just a touch of hope of a friendly acceptance !

"Plain bread or toasted !", even MORE irritated !

"Plain please!" sung rather than said in the hope of dispelling any residual tension !

Then quicker than any top chef could make a cup of tea I was shouted at, "Move your thing ! Move your thing ! Your bloody laptop ! MOVE IT !" as the plate was thrust under my face before I'd finished writing my first word !

I started eating absent-mindedly but still managed to think that I ought to express some gratitude so I mumbled, "Delicious thanks!"

"You WHAT?"

"I said 'DELICIOUS! THANKS!"

"And I didn't use a DROP of oil, unlike the pint of my best Virgin Olive Oil that you would have wasted and I suppose you'll want a drink or have you got one?" she snorted, impatient to get back to yet more of the daily thousands of Josh Groban reports !

"Got one thanks!" noting my mug was all but empty but not wanting to annoy her further and deciding that I'd wait and quietly go in and make one for myself once she was out of the kitchen !

"I can smell pepper!" she suddenly called!

"Smell WHAT ?" I replied trying to show interest !

"Pepper, PEPPER ! You deaf idiot !"

"Uhm!" I thought."I remember once reading that smelling rubber can signify an impending heart attack but pepper?"

Could smelling pepper also actually signify an impending heart attack I wondered with not a little hope quickening my heartbeat !