Sally-part 141. GETTING MY A### BITTEN !

We've eaten out badly so many times that we decided never to ever eat out again and to eat badly at home instead !

Today after a really poor day out in The Lake District firstly visiting a Tourist Hotspot Waterfall which because there had been no rain for a couple of weeks was more like a noisy trickle than a 'Force' and then a two and a half hour overcast Lake cruise which was frankly the least interesting thing I've ever done !

EVEN THE TREES WERE BORED !

We sat on the open deck in the overcast gloom and as there was no sun I froze as the thing sped up to eight miles per hour and the slipstream sent the passengers racing for the warmth and overpriced coffee in the enclosed salon below decks .

AM I THE ONLY MAN TO BE BORED SICK IN THE LAKE DISTRICT ?

The only other people who stayed on deck were a fat husband and wife with their foul aging Labrador which they didn't even try to stop interminably barking for the hour they sat there ignoring each other !

OH HOW I WANTED TO ! AND IF I COULD HAVE SQUEEZED OUT THAT WINDOW I WOULD HAVE...EVEN IF IT HAD MEANT LEAVING MY £1:80 PAPER CUP OF THERMOS FLASK COFFEE BEHIND !

I WAS SO BORED I PRESSED BUTTON THREE ! I JUST COULDN'T HELP MYSELF !

It's nearly July and officially summer in the Northern Hemisphere but we've been unlucky this year as when we've been anywhere it's been raining and/or freezing but then that's why we chose the end of June to return to The Signal Box at Cliburn where before arriving, Shirley wondered why she had chosen to spend a few days sweltering in what was bound to be a virtual greenhouse .

She needn't have worried as even the underfloor heating, supplied by a groundsource generator, has turned itself on automatically !

Anyway, returning home after an exhausting eleven mile drive Shirley climbed up to the lounge which was once where the signalman carried out his duties and fell into a coma after explaining to me how to cut ready prepared stirfry vegetables into even smaller pieces using a knife !

THE SIGNAL BOX WHERE GHOST TRAINS STILL HURTLE PAST AT MIDNIGHT WITH THEIR WHISTLES GOING AT FULL BLAST !

I don't do any cooking usually but as I simply don't understand what's hard about it, I set to with relish, even working out how to turn the hob on without any help and also cutting up some extra mushrooms to add that little something extra.

Well, the veg was frying away nicely and I had just added the stirfry sauce and was frying the noodles after microwaving them, as it told me to do on the packet they came in when the upstairs door opened and Shirley stood arms and legs akimbo staring down with her eyeballs bursting out of their sockets before finding her well known powerhouse of a voice and shouted down, " NO! For God's sake what are you doing ? You don't fry noodles you idiot and you should know that you NEVER use a metal implement to stir anything in a non-stick pan !

Well, I'll give her that bit about metal stirrers but it definitely said to fry the noodles and I meekly mentioned it !

"DON'T TRY TEACHING YOUR GRANDMA TO SUCK EGGS !" she yelled !

"It's written on the packet dear." I timidly ventured.

"I DON'T BELIEVE YOU FOR ONE SECOND !"

"Well it does !" I timidly ventured again, tears sprouting from my eyes !

"THEN PROVE IT AND IF YOU'RE RIGHT I'LL #### #### #### ! (I am absolutely forbidden to reveal the easily worked out promise she used though it's the same as the one used a billion times a day by women around the world and never carried out !)

SHE RELUCTANTLY ACCEPTED THE PROOF AFTER READING THE WRAPPER FIVE TIMES AND WITH ME IN A VULNERABLE POSITION WITH MY EYES CLOSED IN EXPECTED BLISS SUNK HER TEETH WITH FULL FORCE INTO MY RUMP !

I'll never trust her again ! (There is NO photo of her teeth marks in my buttock but imagine one of that biting footballer's attacks on a rival player and DOUBLE it !)