SALLY....PART 259....I AM NOW FULL OF SELF LOATHING !

 

Jonathan phoned me last week to ask if I still loved Mon Cheri Liquer Chocolates as he knew that I had sadly let myself down by buying EIGHT boxes of Thorntons chocolates for my birthday treat which I THOUGHT had hard ones in them but which ALL turned out to be absolutely YUK....like the ones nobody eats from the tin of Christmas Quality Street until two weeks later when they become desperate !

"How can anyone NOT love them ?" I replied !

"Well I haven't got you any but I have found something very close at M&S and I've bought you six boxes !"

"Lovely ! They'll do !"

Let me tell you this...they are GORGEOUS and I can eat all twenty one in a box in two sessions and now, not one week later I've just started my fifth box !

And that's after experimenting this afternoon with a number of  Chocolate Bourbons to see how long I could dunk one in hot coffee before it fell to pieces and I was left holding a soggy tip ! The answer was six seconds !

I am disgusted with myself but not as disgusted as my wife who is even more enraged because I never put on an ounce and my annual blood tests all come back with 'EXCELLENT' marks, despite my having been just one decimal point short of type two diabetes for the last ten years !

And the Thorntons ?

Shirley's had the lot !

SALLY...PART 258...TODAY I ATE A SUCKED CRUMPET !

 

Above is a shot of Toby's father at the same sort of horrible stage his son now is !

Sometimes hunger just gets the better of me and waiting for more than two hours for my daughter in law to get home with a Chinese takeaway was too much for a man who had only had a dish of Rice Krispies half a day before !

Toby, two, had demanded a buttered crumpet when he got home from nursery and I watched in disgust as he drooled whilst sucking the hot butter out of pieces of the thing whilst chewing and then spitting out the solid leftovers !

I would have made myself one but his was the last in the packet and for some reason Shirley seemed to forget that I would be starving and had offered me nothing, assuring me that a meal was on its way !

Then Toby got given a Yum Yum which he also chewed and spat out the plain dough remains after ingesting all the tasty sweet bits !

By then my legs had gone weak and shaky and I couldn't stand the hunger pangs any more so I grabbed the young child's leftovers and stuffed them greedily down my throat before anyone could stop me and I felt much better for it !

Now no-one's talking to me because they were SO disgusted by my behaviour....and frankly...so am I !

SALLY....PART 257....I AM SICK AND TIRED OF LOSING AT SCRABBLE...D'YOU HEAR ME ? SICK OF IT !

 

I dread hearing the words, "Come and get your daily drubbing !" which today came earlier than expected so I hadn't even mentally prepared myself for my ritual humiliation !

And I'M the one who reads and writes whilst all SHE ever does is listen endlessly all night and then to the repeats all day of Steven Nolan and his phone-in wingeing losers !

She tries to soften me up with, "The tide's going to turn, I can feel it and as I only had twelve seconds sleep and fifteen wees last night whilst you snored your way through nine solid hours, my brain is completely done in and I can't think any more !"

Needless to say, the tide DIDN'T turn today and I'm not expecting it ever to again !

So anyway, here's my real face at the top and then the one the public see, below, when I masterfully give the impression that life's just fine ! And note who's cooking my tea because she feels guilty for being superior ! Here she had demanded 3 minutes 45 seconds on my stopwatch and was saying, "Did you here me you deaf idiot, three minutes forty five or your curry will be ruined ?"

Of course I'd heard her but I carry on my deaf act so I don't get asked to do stuff because I'm a LOT cleverer than she thinks I am !

And here is one side of the score sheet showing 18 circled wins for HER and one boxed one for me !

I'm surprised she hasn't steamed off that franked stamp for me to use on a parcel !