SALLY....PART 250.... CHRISTMAS DAY WAS GOING REASONABLY WELL UNTIL I GOT HOME !

 

I have three children and my youngest lost the toss with his siblings to see who had to have us over for Christmas Dinner this year !

I had barely got through the front door when Janny said, "Can you put Toby in the car and take him for a drive to get him to sleep and then sit with him for an hour until he wakes up ?"

 He's two and terrible !

As it turned out he screamed blue murder and wouldn't let me dress him or take him out of the house so at least I got my lunch first before I swooped him up under protest and buckled him in, wrapped in a thick blanket.....he was asleep before we had turned the first corner !

So I drove for ten minutes, returned to the house and sat freezing and sleeping myself until Janny opened the door and handed me in a mug of tea and her mobile phone for me to read the papers on although she hadn't changed the script from Thai back into English which made things difficult !

Anyway, the day was got through and when I got home just now I really fancied a couple of pieces of a gift I'd got, some Marks and Spencers chocolate covered honeycomb which was too hard to bite and too big to eat in one go so taking an ordinary knife and a cereal bowl I cracked the first bit with too much force and it EXPLODED, turned to dust and covered every surface in the kitchen but knowing that I had only thirty seconds to clear up the mess before Shirley came in having changed from her hot house wear into our somewhat cooler house wear I did a remarkable job silently, screaming, "Fuck, Fuck FUCK !" under my breath !

I stuffed the remaining whole piece into my mouth and sat there looking nonchalantly innocent or tried to but I couldn't shut my mouth and slurp started to drool out of me and into the dish, puddling revoltingly until I'd melted it enough to chomp down on !

Enter the eagle eyed one !

"WHAT IS THIS !" she demanded, spotting the last hundred or so fragments that had avoided my panic !

"Oh it could be a bit of this honeycomb that broke up a bit when I hit it gently !" I replied, lisping gurglingly through a pool of  sticky saliva that lay under my tongue and coated my teeth and roof !

"And is that what I've just trodden in too ?" she growled, staring at her chocolate encrusted foot !

"Oh did a bit fall on the floor too ? Sorry !" I said through a mouthful of mixture that I wouldn't be able to swallow for several more minutes !

"And WHAT is in the bottom of this dish ?" she demanded as she swept it away to wash it up without recognising a small pond of uncontrollable slurp lying there !

"It's the honeycomb melted a bit." I lied unconvincingly !

Well Shirley, if you've read this you will now know what it was !

 

SALLY....PART 249....I'M NOT HAVING IT I TELL YOU...I'M NOT HAVING IT !

 "Can you take this with you ?" It wasn't really a question, more of a getting told what to do thing, as I was handed 'my' mobile phone as I was setting out by bike looking like a stupid Christmas tree with the bobble on my 'woollen' hat bobbling ridiculously happily as if the man beneath it was happy which he wasn't and never is and now never will be again !

I don't actually own a mobile phone that I've signed up for and refuse to as I loathe the intrusion into a life that no-one is slightly interested in !

But our offspring have handed them on when the technology that supported them originally became so outdated that they were of no further use to them....so mine's the pink one and Shirley's is the red one and I am now forced to carry mine when I take the two and seven year olds to the Metro Centre in case I die and the stranger who finds me can look up the emergency numbers and phone a family member of mine who will only be concerned about the children and not me, once they've worked their way through my wallet which is tied to my belt so I don't leave it in a shop !

Anyway so I cycled to the chemist to collect Shirley's statins....YES ! She's finally having to take a drug !....and on the way back, as I was cycling across the field the town's fog horn went off which was odd, I thought on top of what I was already thinking about my next Facebook posting, as the day was clear....and it annoyed me and all the women out walking their dogs as the sound became more shrill and insistent and they were all staring at ME, tutting and shaking their heads at each other !

Eventually it dawned though my skull that the sound was coming from inside my poacher's pocket and was from the phone which was sitting under my facemask and Shirley's bag of drugs and that meant stopping the bike in the middle of the enemy who stared at me even more ferociously whilst I grabbed the bag, dropped my facemask in the mud and brought out the by now screaming phone into which I punched the easily forgotten code but which WOULDN'T stop making its racket !

By now the dogs were all howling in unison with the STUPID bell tones wailing out of the speaker and so I stuffed the idiot machine back into my pocket and doing my privates an injury as I bent down too quickly to pick up my three month old soiled mask which probably has more germs embedded in it than an old first world war gangrene dressing, launched myself homeward !

I arrived back flustered to be met at the door by a triumphant wife exclaiming, "I could see you the whole way there and back again !"

Well I'm not having it I tell you...I'm NOT being traced and followed...I'm just NOT !

My daughter traces her husband and I think it's the final straw !

"Oh look !", she'll say to her mother, "He's in Screwfix !"

"Ooh !" her mother replies, "I could do with seeing what your father gets up to ! Set mine up for me will you ?"

So here I am, the final barrier gone. No chance of lying ever again !

Not that I've got anything to hide....but if I did....................................................

SALLY....PART 248....SO I LATHERED HER FACE WITH SHAVING FOAM AND SHARPENED THE CUT THROAT RAZOR ON THE STROP !

 

When I was about twenty one and had moved to Brighton I suddenly got an urge to become a medic and was offered an initial place as a nursing auxiliary to see if I was basically suited to things.

Let me first explain what an auxilliary nurse is...they are nothing...they have no qualifications or medical knowledge and are essentially skivvies.

It wasn't long before I was doggy paddling cluelessly in a world I had no idea existed but having sat nuns on bedpans, cleaned up doubly incontinent patients and packed out gaping bedsores I felt ready to face just about anything after two hours on the job and was very relaxed about ending my shift in A&E.

I was summoned to a cubicle to attend two surgeons who were assessing a young woman with appendicitis and whilst they were playing their part lower down her body I stood at the top end reassuring her that everything was going to be fine, like I'd seen nurses do on Emergency Ward 10 !

I was probably thinking about getting to the beach to sleep and sunbathe after work when my daydream was interrupted by one of the surgeons saying, "Right nurse, we're going to operate straight away so will you shave this charming young lady and change her into a gown ?" Surgeons always call people 'charming'...I think it must be a part of their training.

I looked closely at her face and and holding both my hands open towards it in a sort of doubting way and screwing up my face into a ''Are you sure ?' questioning way motioned at her perfectly smooth skin and with disbelief in my voice said, "Shave her doctor ?"

"Yes please, that's what I said !" he replied a little tersely I thought but my role was not really to question a doctor even when I was at a loss, so I lathered her face with shaving foam and sharpened the cut throat razor on the strop and was just about to grip the end of her nose and start the job when an extremely angry man shouted, "STOP ! What do you think you're doing nurse ?"

"You said shave her Sir, did I misshear you ?"

"How long have you been a nurse, nurse ?", he barked, staring at his colleague in disbelief who stood stock still with his jaw dropped nearly to the floor !

"This is my first night Sir but I'm pretty sure I won't mangle a simple shave !"

"Stop what you're doing and get out you complete idiot ! Go to Matron NOW and tell her I said you're sacked and you're NEVER darken these doors again !"

I didn't actually go to the Matron but simply walked back to my locker, took my slightly stained white jacket off and flung it in there before returning in some confusion to my bedsit which was overrun with mice and picking up the local paper started to look through the jobs section to see if there was anything else that might suit me better.

"AHA !" I said out loud after my eyes alighted on, "Leather worker wanted...no experience necessary !", I think I'll give that a go next....and here I am, fifty years later, still with no real experience, a leather worker and Leader of a virtually unknown Facebook photographic group called 'THE LEAST SUCCESSFUL PHOTOGRAPHIC GROUP EVER !'

SALLY....PART 247....SORRY BUT I'M EXPECTING MY CHINESE DELIVERY !

 "Do our tyres really come from China now ?", I thought as I drove away from a back street tyre place after being refused a puncture repair whilst I waited !

You see, couple of mornings ago, Friday it was, we had to get somewhere within a time limit and looking out I noticed the car was sitting on the drive with a completely flat front tyre so I jacked the car up and put on the spare before heading to town to get things repaired.

No woman could have undone the nuts or released the spare from its cradle no matter how tough they might be; only brute strength would suffice and yes I was sure it was completely airless and couldn't be driven down to town on as it was hinted I might be able to do !

And yes I DID know that it hadn't been flat when I drove yesterday as I would have noticed the sudden collapse of the front left of the vehicle, the steering wheel being yanked out of my hand and the sound and smell of a tyre getting shredded; a question I answered remarkably calmly I thought !

"Shouldn't you phone ahead first, just in case they can't do it and if they can't, what happens if we set out and get another puncture ?" Perfectly reasonable questions but I'm a man and drove off after saying, "Leave it to me !"

So at the first of the four tyre places in town the man working on his own for one of the major brands said, "Not 'til next week as I'm on my own !" so I set off for the next which was an independent with one man standing ticking off a list of all the tyres he had.

"Can you repair a puncture whilst I wait ?" I asked, certain he'd jump to it.

"No mate, my Chinese order is due in !"

"Oh OK !" I said, jumping back in and quickly reversing my car out of his back lane so I wouldn't block the wagon from China he was expecting !

And as I drove off I was just thinking, "I wonder how long it takes a man to drive a load of tyres from China and how many must he deliver to make it worth his while ?" when I spotted a Chinese man presumably from a Chinese Takeaway on a bike with a food 'Hot Box' on his back cutting across behind me and shooting up the lane I'd just left !

Well I didn't go back and tell the tyre man about my misunderstanding because he would have thought I was a twat and drove on to the third tyre nationally known place instead which had a car park full of waiting vehicles and every ramp with a car on it !

Still nothing ventured, nothing gained and parking in the disabled bay I limped in, grasped the counter and repeated my request in a breathless voice !

The four men gathered around a computer console looked at each other and one of them said, "I can do it for you if you'll sit down over there." and handing me a hot chocolate and a Computer magazine (don't ask me) had the job done in twenty minutes !

And I almost forgot to limp back out to my car !

Here's the three inch nail that had fortunately not gone through a side wall or that would have been a new tyre !