SALLY...PART 207. NO ONE COULD BE FOOLED BY THIS SURELY ?

THE BLOOD RED MOON LAST NIGHT !

My sister in law was over from Spain with her daughter yesterday so the fridge is now FULL of Marks and Spencer's finest foods !

Even IT, the fridge that is, keeps letting out gasps of surprise at the quality and price of foodstuffs it's never held before and didn't know existed !

I'm sure I heard it say, "What the #### is Haddock Chowder Soup when it's in town ?"

It also means that meal portions are much smaller as a packet with three very thin slices of ham, costing a king's ransom has to be shared between four as does a packet of  five tiny 'Princess Charlotte Water Boiled New England New Potatoes Sluiced In Real Butter' !

Still, we bulked up on a largeish 'Prize Suffolk Radish' each and a 'Lancashire Tenderleaf Lettuce Leaf' which again had to be divided into four !

Everyone praised my wife's culinary skills as she whipped her kitchen scissors across each packet !

Cutting a single small 'Luxury Apple Slice With A French Flour Based Topping' required great skill and we tossed for the raisin, which I won but then had to hand over when my wife gave me one of her looks and I had to pretend that I didn't like raisins anyway !

After our meal my sister in law suddenly announced that there was to be a rare blood red moon between the hours of 8:30 and 10 and that she would very much like to see it.

Well our long hot eight week summer had literally just come to an end and we were experiencing an almighty thunder storm with huge banks of black cumulus clouds releasing lakesful of rain whilst sheets of lightning turned the entire sky varicosed white !

But she didn't understand that the moon would have been BEHIND the clouds and therefore invisible...see Father Ted 'Near and Far Away'...and kept peering out of the drenched patio doors.

Finally, I could stand it no more and grabbed a felt tipped pen and piece of card and bluetacked a blood red moon onto the door and called out, "Remarkably Debbie, the blood red moon IS visible through the cloud !" and she came excitedly running down the lounge with her Iphone in hand, snapping shots and shouting out, "Oh my God, look at it Shirley, it's magnificent !"

This is true and what's more she kept going back for another look !

She is a Professor of Astronomy in her adopted country and I didn't have the heart to tell her what I'd done !

SALLY...PART 206. I THINK MY WIFE SHOULD BE WORRYING MORE ABOUT ME AND LESS ABOUT NADAL !

I returned home from my doctor's a little stunned yesterday afternoon !

Following MONTHS of waiting for appointments and then getting referred on for tests my GP told me yesterday that my left ventricle, the main heart chamber that pumps oxygenated blood through the body is working at 38% !

This is not particularly good and she's put me on beta blockers as well as high blood pressure and anticoagulants as I also have Atrial Fibrilation too which means that the atria have enlarged to compensate for the ventricular ectopics (irregular heart beats) and wall thickening which have been a long standing problem !

And yet I feel and look so well, not that I've ever looked well or felt it either !

So did my wife cradle me and rock me gently and weep over my face ?

NO !

She asked me to step to one side so she could watch Nadal at Wimbledon !

Later on she asked me what had happened at the Doctors and also asked me to look up various categories of life expectancy for men of my age with my condition !

She then asked me to put my Last Will And Testament into her shoulder bag before turning her attention back to the tennis !

SALY...PART 205. WHY DOES MY WIFE CLAIM SHE CAN'T COOK ?

"A SNACK FOR YOU MY DEAR !" SHE SAID SLYLY !

I don't have time to cook and so rely on my wife To feed me at regular intervals which she does marvelously well despite telling me over and over again how much she HATES cooking !

She also apparently hates Hoovering, housework, shopping, flying and sex !

Anyway, this morning at 8:45 my workshop door creaked open and she handed me in...she will not cross the demarcation line between HER space and mine...two sliced juicily ripe nectarines, followed shortly afterwards by a plateful of nigh on totally incinerated hot roasted almonds with pieces of Asda's cheapest 30p a bar milk chocolate melting droolingly all over them !

I WONDER WHY SHE DIDN'T TELL ME THAT THEY CONTAINED CYANIDE !

And HOW delicious were they ?

YUM SCRUNCH that's how !

And she STILL says she can't cook !

She was then rather worried about the effects of eating burnt food and Googled burnt almonds and only told me later that they contain CYANIDE !

Goodbye everyone...Shirley knows where my Will is...in her bag !