SALLY...PART 204. POPPYCOCK !

YES ! THIS IS THE SHOT THAT GOT ME BANNED !

"WHAT have you done, written or posted to get you banned THIS time ?" Shirley snarled a couple of years ago when I got wiped from the Facebook page of a photographic group called Hidden Northumberland .

I was sat, staring shocked and feeling totally humiliated by some Admin's action ! I'd only joined the area's leading Group with it's twenty thousand Membership a couple of weeks before and had been basking in some of the Members enthusiastic response to my shots !

"I simply put on a shot of one of Northumberland's most iconic images and asked, tongue in cheek whether anyone knew where the four Gargoyle heads which had originally been on London Bridge were now on display and they banned me ! ME ! BANNED !"

She didn't even hand me a hanky to blow my nose and wipe away a tear but went straight in for the kill, "Serves you right ! You think you're funny and you're NOT ! How many times have I told you how unfunny you are ? I would have banned you myself ! These people are serious photographers and they don't want the likes of you as a Member ! Now forget it and concentrate on what you're good at which is making leather purses and NOT playing the guitar whilst accompanying your dreadful playing with your diabolical voice !"

Like old Steptoe I smirked to myself and immediately set up my own Facebook Photography Group which after a number of name changes is presently called 'POPPYCOCK' !

It has about four Members who contribute photos and insult me and a few more who simply insult me but it's been such fun that I can't let it go !

SO, if you want an unexpurgated, funny, non-banning, politically incorrect and getting more incorrect with every passing day Group, why not join us ? You don't have to be a photographer but it is after all a photographic Group and I don't care how good or bad your shots are or what the subject matter is...just post them !

SALLY...PART 203. LUCINDA ! YOUR SNEEZING AND HONKING INTO YOUR HANKY HAVE PUT ME OFF EVER GOING OUT AGAIN !

I SO looked forward to seeing the live beaming of Swan Lake tonight, especially as I was going on my own due to Shirley's coughing fits preventing her accompanying me !

The problem with going anywhere with my wife is that NOTHING suits her, whether it's a cinema seat or an armless chair in a restaurant, the position of the table in said establishment or basically having to mix with other humans !

We tend to go at least half an hour early so that she can change tables or seats several times whilst at the same time growling at me not to introduce her to anyone I might happen to know !

So yesterday she told me NOT to buy her a ticket for the Ballet as she feared 'SUDDEN ONSET COUGHING FITS' during the performance caused by dust coming off the seats, the actual height of her seat above ground level, her proximity to other humans or the three week old cough that keeps grumbling on !

So I looked forward to a frictionless evening during which I could chat to people I knew and/or complete strangers !

But today she felt better so she came with me to a converted church where raked seating should have provided an uninterrupted view...except for the fact that the architect got his sums wrong and he put the screen too low down so we both had THE tallest people in town sat blockng our view !

I recognised several people but felt it best to ignore them and I think that they were under the same orders as I was ! What is it about women and their choice of the wrong husband ?

I moved right along the row where I had a splendid view, pushing past Lucinda who was so large she couldn't stand up or move her legs because she was wedged into her seat !

Lucinda's friend, whose name I couldn't catch because Lucinda's voice was one of those tremendously deep bossy ones, couldn't or wouldn't move either !

Lucinda sneezed extremely loudly several times during the three hours we were there and immediately after loudly blew what sounded like nosefuls of thick green endless gunge into her hanky making me and several others around her, including I would imagine her friend, feel nauseous, to the point of retching some small amounts of our dinners back into our mouths !

Lucinda's other hugely irritating fault was her voicing of her opinion after each solo, like, "GOOD LINE WHAT ? I SAID GOOD LINE, HIM, THAT DANCER CHAPPIE ! HER HANDS ARE GOOD ! I SAID HER HANDS ARE GOOD ! HAVE YOU SEEN MY THIRD TUB ?"

Lucinda was obviously once a Colonial lady who was used to bellowing at her late husband and her servants !

Shirley joined me after the interval because she couldn't stand the man and his ever moving head blocking her view and to get away from Lucinda !

Lucinda also changed seats with her friend and sat next to me where her overwhelmingly large thigh pressed under our mutual armrest and hard up against my skinny little thigh, rapidly killing all feeling in that leg !

Her other problem was the size of her backside which she displayed at the end of the show when she bent down after she'd stood up to pick up her empty ice cream tubs from the floor, thereby revealing several layers of slightly discoloured underwear !

She continued to do this with other peoples tubs and beer glasses and I only stopped staring at her hideousness when my wife insisted that I pushed her out of our way, not an easy task, so we could get to the chip shop before it shut...which we failed because it WAS shut...just !

SALLY...PART 202. SHIRLEY ! YOU CAN'T HIT ME ANYMORE !

It's not that she's ever hit me because quite simply, I've never done anything to make her want to !

OK, I might have annoyed her a bit at times which I believe is unusual in itself because my male friends tell me that their wives never get upset with them .

When things get a bit sticky, she normally squeezes her eyes shut and counts silently to ten before opening them and smiling at me in an understanding way.

So what's all this about NOT hitting me then ?

Well I've had to start taking an anticoagulant drug to prevent my dodgy AF ridden heart pumping blood clots to my brain where they would possibly have a small effect on my life.

The trouble with the tablets is that there is no antidote to them and should I have a major bleed after being whacked across the skull by an angry woman I WOULD hemorrhage to death !

I must also avoid getting into fights up the pub, not have a high speed car crash, not fall over or cut my hand open with a Stanley knife !

My Grandson is not allowed to headbutt me or kick me in the shins anymore either !

So I was explaining this to Shirley when we had a drive today and after I said, "Shirley ! You can't hit me anymore !" she dismissed my words with, "I shall hit you if I want to !"

So everyone, anyone, I just want someone who reads this to bear in mind that if my death seems to be surrounded by mysterious circumstances I have probably been hit round the back of the head by my wife whose Crocodile tears WILL be totally false !

Please tell the police !