Dylan, my eight year old grandson and the boy I carried everywhere on my shoulders for his first six years was brought to me at market by his mother last Sunday so that she could have a night in a luxury hotel to celebrate her fifth wedding anniversary to her second husband.
He, Dylan and not the husband, though...... has become surly and argumentative and is now quite frankly more of a pain than a pleasure and thinks that any money he takes at my stall is HIS !
He slept at mine that night and argued his way through plates of food, gallons of his grandma's orange juice and a refusal to go to bed at a decent time !
It was Bonfire night on Blyth Harbour and we just managed to get there two minutes before the start of one of the most awe-inspiring experiences of my life !
By chance we stood about a hundred yards from the crowd in what turned out to be the very spot beneath where the fireworks exploded and no trip to see the hour long New Year's Firework Celebration in London could equal standing for twenty minutes in what seemed to be the epicentre of scores of exploding stars !
The sights and ear-splitting sounds were tremendous and we stood with about a dozen others in HELL before staggering back to our cars in silence because we were totally deafened by it all !
I'm not about to reveal exactly where we stood as we don't want hordes of you spoiling our view next year !
Talking to four parents of eight year olds in the playground the next morning I discovered that their children all also argue that black is white, say, "Whatever!" to any suggestions they make, refuse to go to bed at a decent time, take ages to get dressed, are ridiculously capable on their Ipads, extremely intelligent in class, continue to grow at a prodigious rate and have all become quite intolerable to live with, just like my grandson !
My taking him to school and being in the playground has become rare these days as he insists on going to school on his own and if you watch him swaggering there you'll see that he's got his jacket open, his hands in his pockets and the look of a sneering Mafia Boss about him !
He generally then approaches the first girl he sees and tickles her under the chin !
And they LET him !
And yet he still likes being read to sleep, mayonnaise squirted in individual blobs on his two eggy breads at breakfast and being made a bed in my room to watch my Shrek DVD from !
He won't be cuddled or kissed any more and it dawned on me that when his mother Gemma once asked me why we stopped kissing her at eight, she was exactly the same natured and it wasn't us who stopped kissing her !
In other words, he's growing up, just like all children do and is shifting into the next stage like scuba diving and windsurfing in Egypt .
And that's where we were last week, in a beach front hotel with views over the Red Sea and as much food and drink as you could desire !
Dylan did indeed learn to scuba dive and windsurf and took to them both without any trouble at all as well as quadbiking in the desert !
BUT despite his maturity and abilities way beyond anything I would have been capable of at his age he still wanted to be read to sleep !
So each night, worn out by the day's activities, he would lie and listen to Roald Dahl's 'The BFG' for about five minutes before we were BOTH sound asleep!
Well nothing's changed there then because that's exactly what used to happen when I read to my own children thirty years ago except then it was only me who fell asleep !
Saturday, 9 November 2013
Friday, 8 November 2013
Sally-Part 124. NANNYING AGAIN IN EGYPT !
I am in pain from a pulled muscle at the bottom of my back caused by lifting my bag in the wrong way when I played golf yesterday and now I can barely stand up and so am going to spend the day sitting and being waited upon !
What darling ? I do that anyway ? That IS true actually !
It's really pathetic to watch me try to stand and walk and I now feel guilty about making Shirley cook my meals when her similar attacks have left her shouting out in an agony of Tourettian expletives !
A week ago today I was about to leave the 35*C heat of The Middle East and was facing a two hour wait in the airport before a six hour flight and then another one hour queue in England for passport control ! Yes ONE HOUR !
I was left on my own for half an hour in a huge hall in Sharm airport whilst the others went to stare aghast at the ridiculously high prices in the Duty Free shop and order five slices of the most expensive pizza in the world !
I watched an armed guard standing nearby talking to two others about something seemingly important and with each of them talking earnestly into their walkie-talkies .
Suddenly they all started searching each of the three desks that stood in a row before them without finding whatever they were looking for and then staring at me and making me feel very insecure as the terminal is so large that I was literally sitting vulnerably on my own !
The boss one motioned an underling over to me with a very slight upward movement of his face and I felt immediately very unsafe and uncomfortable !
I sat up trying to look as undangerous as I could and as friendly as possible as the man motioned with his eyes towards the paper aeroplane I had made for my grandchildren and which we'd been flying around !
It was obvious from his actions of pretending to fly it that they wanted it !
I gave it to him not believing that I was about to watch three armed men playing aeroplanes and breathed again for the first time in three minutes !
He took it back to the others where the boss unfolded it and used it to write notes on as he talked into his phone !
Yes they had no spare paper in Sharm Airport !
The three men then went their separate ways leaving my aeroplane unfolded on the desk.
I knew that the children would wonder where their aeroplane was when they got back but daren't touch it until one of the guards walked back and I found myself thanking him for MY piece of paper !
I got it back though !
I have already refused to go on holiday with them again on the grounds that I was barely needed and I can't take the sun which burnt me on contact and made sunbathing unbearable but the real reason is that I can't stand the thought of spending another two weeks in such a beautiful place !
What darling ? I do that anyway ? That IS true actually !
It's really pathetic to watch me try to stand and walk and I now feel guilty about making Shirley cook my meals when her similar attacks have left her shouting out in an agony of Tourettian expletives !
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| FLYING OVER KOS GOING TO BOREDOM ! |
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| BORING ! |
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| BORING ! |
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| BORING ! |
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| BORING ! |
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| TEDIOUS ! |
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| BORING ! |
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| WHO COULD BE BOTHERED ? |
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| JUST GET ME HOME ! |
I was left on my own for half an hour in a huge hall in Sharm airport whilst the others went to stare aghast at the ridiculously high prices in the Duty Free shop and order five slices of the most expensive pizza in the world !
I watched an armed guard standing nearby talking to two others about something seemingly important and with each of them talking earnestly into their walkie-talkies .
Suddenly they all started searching each of the three desks that stood in a row before them without finding whatever they were looking for and then staring at me and making me feel very insecure as the terminal is so large that I was literally sitting vulnerably on my own !
The boss one motioned an underling over to me with a very slight upward movement of his face and I felt immediately very unsafe and uncomfortable !
I sat up trying to look as undangerous as I could and as friendly as possible as the man motioned with his eyes towards the paper aeroplane I had made for my grandchildren and which we'd been flying around !
It was obvious from his actions of pretending to fly it that they wanted it !
I gave it to him not believing that I was about to watch three armed men playing aeroplanes and breathed again for the first time in three minutes !
He took it back to the others where the boss unfolded it and used it to write notes on as he talked into his phone !
Yes they had no spare paper in Sharm Airport !
The three men then went their separate ways leaving my aeroplane unfolded on the desk.
I knew that the children would wonder where their aeroplane was when they got back but daren't touch it until one of the guards walked back and I found myself thanking him for MY piece of paper !
I got it back though !
I have already refused to go on holiday with them again on the grounds that I was barely needed and I can't take the sun which burnt me on contact and made sunbathing unbearable but the real reason is that I can't stand the thought of spending another two weeks in such a beautiful place !
Sally-Part 123. TAKE ME NOW GOD !
I am shortly going to reach my 65th birthday which is ridiculous in itself and I woke up thinking about my seemingly total lack of achievements !
I have a very few 'O' levels which took three attempts anyway and no 'A' levels, no Degree and no qualifications of any sort !
And yet by marrying a woman who had all these and was prepared to go out to work even whilst pregnant whilst I did very little I eventually got round to the position I'm now in which is being busier than anyone would believe by selling my own home-made leather bags and purses at just one weekly Sunday market !
I own my own home and have no debts whatsoever AND money in the bank !
BUT am I in a worse position than those who have all the qualifications imaginable, big houses, fast cars, second, third and even foreign homes, time-shares, investment portfolios and money pouring in from private pensions ?
Well the obvious answer is YES but actually I'm not and here's why :
I have been able to choose my working hours, go on holiday whenever I wanted, watch my children play in sports matches and been available as their taxi service when others have NOT !
Our real problem is having watched our parents die realising that our own time is rapidly running out and the end isn't that too far away, always hoping we can remain fit until the plug is pulled !
What I face is no different to what the richest and most successful people in the world face and many of them will have left a trail of emotional devastation for their children who would have led lonely lives shut away in some grotty boarding school.
I look at my own three and can't honestly say that they are happy with their lot despite a great education and Degrees and excellent jobs !
So actually I haven't done too badly and my kids will have to sort themselves out !
MY END !
PS. It's November the seventh and I've just read an invitation in Aldi's magazine to "Extend the Christmas spirit into your bathroom with our range of festive toilet rolls !"
Take me now God !
I have a very few 'O' levels which took three attempts anyway and no 'A' levels, no Degree and no qualifications of any sort !
And yet by marrying a woman who had all these and was prepared to go out to work even whilst pregnant whilst I did very little I eventually got round to the position I'm now in which is being busier than anyone would believe by selling my own home-made leather bags and purses at just one weekly Sunday market !
I own my own home and have no debts whatsoever AND money in the bank !
BUT am I in a worse position than those who have all the qualifications imaginable, big houses, fast cars, second, third and even foreign homes, time-shares, investment portfolios and money pouring in from private pensions ?
Well the obvious answer is YES but actually I'm not and here's why :
I have been able to choose my working hours, go on holiday whenever I wanted, watch my children play in sports matches and been available as their taxi service when others have NOT !
Our real problem is having watched our parents die realising that our own time is rapidly running out and the end isn't that too far away, always hoping we can remain fit until the plug is pulled !
What I face is no different to what the richest and most successful people in the world face and many of them will have left a trail of emotional devastation for their children who would have led lonely lives shut away in some grotty boarding school.
I look at my own three and can't honestly say that they are happy with their lot despite a great education and Degrees and excellent jobs !
So actually I haven't done too badly and my kids will have to sort themselves out !
MY END !
PS. It's November the seventh and I've just read an invitation in Aldi's magazine to "Extend the Christmas spirit into your bathroom with our range of festive toilet rolls !"
Take me now God !
Sally-Part 122. A QUADBIKING NIGHTMARE IN EGYPT !
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| I COULDN'T FIND A BURKHA SO I WORE THIS ! |
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| THE BUS TRIP TO OUR EXECUTION IN THE MIDDLE OF ABSOLUTELY NOWHERE ! |
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| AFTER FIVE SECONDS I WAS ALREADY WELL BEHIND ! |
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| THE ONLY TREE IN EGYPT ! |
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| WE SURVIVED AND ESCAPED ! |
I only went because I had once again allowed myself to be coerced into being my lazy daughter Gemma's nanny for the third time so that she and her whatever number husband could go scuba diving on day long boat trips or lie by one of the pools smoking one of those Hubbly Bubbly glass things and drinking vast amounts of 'local' vodka whilst I went mad trying to control her two feral children !
So after five days of mindless snorkelling watching myriads of multicoloured fish in every shape and size you could imagine in the transparent Red Sea under a clear blue sky, swimming in one of our hotel's ten beautiful pools, drinking and eating more than my skinny little body had room for and groaning as I was unable to avoid seeing the shameless young Russian beauties who cavorted all day around the pools and on the beach or who ate their meals in the dining room still dressed in their micro bikinis, I accepted the chance to escape !
I felt terribly sorry for my son-in-law who being so much younger than me looked tormented as he sensibly decided not to discuss what he'd seen with his wife ! He did however catch my eye a couple of times and I believe I heard barely stifled whimpers and saw steam coming out his ears on several occasions !
Frankly now that I've done it I'd rather have been forced to watch monstrously ugly and hairy female Russian shot-putters sunbathing in micro bikinis in the birthing position; a sight I ran into at every turn amongst the gorgeous, than have had to get on one of those absolutely dreadful motorbikes !
Why do the people who live in abject poverty in a super-heated fly-blown corrugated dust bowl think that soft Westerners want to pay good money for an hour or two of excruciating awfulness ?
There were a few highlights, not including the best thing of all which was when it finished!
The first was after five minutes when driving in agony at the back of our group at speeds up to ten miles an hour I saw a shack appearing through my slitted eyes and the whirlwind of choking dust and prayed that it was the halfway point where we'd stop for a drink !
For once I really wanted to be short changed and be ordered off the bikes as the ride was finished but no it was still just the start!
And we didn't stop for a well-deserved drink ! It WAS just an abandoned shack or more probably someone's home !
It took me some time to realise that I had to accelerate beyond ten miles an hour to smooth out the apalling hammering my backside was getting and stand up when I hit the largest boulders so that my legs could absorb the worst of the collision forces!
The four other bikes were miles ahead of me and how the two with children on their fronts managed I'll never know !
Apparently, Daniel, 3 and tied to his Dad with a Bedouin scarf fell asleep even as his helmet continuously whacked his father in the chest !
And Dylan, riding shotgun to Jaime loved every second !
Our guide who incidentally rode the entire trip standing up on one side of his bike eventually stopped us after an eternity at the ONLY tree in Egypt and getting us to dismount lined us all up in it's shade where we were immediately covered by nasty biting flies !
Of course I'd had to nip off for a wee as soon as we stopped as my kidneys had had such a pounding that they'd vibrated their entire contents into my bruised bladder !
Ahmed, our leader said in his heavily accented English, "Now my friends, I want you to trust me ! Do you trust me my friends ? Will you all shut your eyes for me ?"
( Sound of shuffling feet and mumbled " I'm not shutting my eyes to get machine gunned in this Godforsaken place !" )
"Come my friends, shut your eyes ! I have a special treat for you !"
( Sound of more shuffling feet and more nervous mumblings enhanced by the sounds of the release of intestinal gases not already released by the ride ! )
"I promise that you will be amazed ! And you Daniel (3) my friend, shut your eyes too !"
I hoped they'd shoot Daniel first so he wouldn't have to see our heads blown to smithereens !
I squinted my eyes and pressed play on my video camera and worked out how to fall on it so that the NATO soldiers finding our bodies would be able to see what had happened !
Then we heard, "When I count to three I want you all to shout 'EGYPT !" as loudly as you can ! So ONE TWO THREE.....EGYPT !"
We shouted and opened our eyes and heard a faint echo !
"There ! Do you hear my it friends ?...an ECHO ! Let's do it again ! ONE TWO THREE.....EGYPT !"
I don't want to swear but for ***** sake, do these people think they're dealing with morons ? Don't they know that we have echoes in our own countries ?
We remounted and staggered on towards an abandoned settlement where one emaciated camel with a couple of tatty bits of coloured wool attached to it's saddle was tied to a stake and an equally emaciated slave served us overpriced Coke and a miraculous drink called TEA (again I repeat 'for ***** sake' !) where our guide kept leaping on the poor devil and beating him up whilst the poor lad laughed in terror ! (That's true!)(( Very much like I did at school when I was regularly beaten up by the school bully !))
Here our guide apologised for boring us with his life history after telling us about his attempts to escape from Egypt into Italy via Libya where the Libyan soldiers repeatedly electrocuted him and beat him up for a year before throwing him back across the border !
He showed us the appalling scars on his body where they'd taped the electrodes, though thankfully we were not treated to a view of his testicles and he continued with his history for another hour !
We eventually decided to make a break for it and ran for our bikes and tore back to the base camp where we whipped off our facemasks and helmets and dived for our bus which we threw ourselves onto laughing hysterically about electrocutions in the Libyan desert and desperately wishing we had been THERE and not where we were !
And THEN another man came on our bus and made us buy photos of ourselves as souvenirs !
NEVER AGAIN !
Sally-Part 121. MILKING AN INJURY !
After a day and a half I'm nearly fully recovered from my pulled back muscle that has seen me unable to do anything but shout in agony whilst trying to stand up by first falling to the floor and then pulling myself upright using two dining chairs !
I could not bend from the waist to shave and literally could not lift my right leg at all without a huge jolt shooting through my hip and pelvis and boy do I appreciate good health and fitness now !
As a result my golf carry-bag is now redundant as it was the cause of my injury and although I only intend to use my pull along trolley from now on I fancy I might just get myself an electric one !
Or perhaps I should just give up golf altogether !
This evening I was secretly feeling so much better and was about to get up and offer to make myself and Shirley something to eat (which I would never do under normal circumstances as I do nothing but work, eat and sleep) when.....and it did coincide with the end of 'Emmerdale'....Shirley asked me if I was hungry and I replied that I'd LIKE to try and get up and make her something and managed to sound so pathetic that she said that it was too soon to risk restraining my repair and asked what I wanted ! Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk !
I managed between gasps to request an apple cut up and served with some Tsatziki, toast, cheese and a glass of wine, a cup of coffee and a bar of chocolate !
She did it cheerfully enough if you could say that deliberately banging plates, cutlery and doors amounted to cheerfulness before saying with a slight growl, " You know even MY milk of human kindness is starting to run out !"
I think that that might be the last of her compassion used up for some time !
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| I WAS A SILLY MAN CARRYING SUCH A HEAVY BAG WITHOUT WARMING UP FIRST ! |
As a result my golf carry-bag is now redundant as it was the cause of my injury and although I only intend to use my pull along trolley from now on I fancy I might just get myself an electric one !
Or perhaps I should just give up golf altogether !
This evening I was secretly feeling so much better and was about to get up and offer to make myself and Shirley something to eat (which I would never do under normal circumstances as I do nothing but work, eat and sleep) when.....and it did coincide with the end of 'Emmerdale'....Shirley asked me if I was hungry and I replied that I'd LIKE to try and get up and make her something and managed to sound so pathetic that she said that it was too soon to risk restraining my repair and asked what I wanted ! Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk !
I managed between gasps to request an apple cut up and served with some Tsatziki, toast, cheese and a glass of wine, a cup of coffee and a bar of chocolate !
She did it cheerfully enough if you could say that deliberately banging plates, cutlery and doors amounted to cheerfulness before saying with a slight growl, " You know even MY milk of human kindness is starting to run out !"
I think that that might be the last of her compassion used up for some time !
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