Whenever I drive away from the caravan to go home to do a market I can see Shirley in my rear view mirror still calling out after me adding to the list of the dozens of things I mustn't forget to do but all of which I will have forgotten by the time I drive out of the site and which I will remember with horror as I drive back in!
She will be thinking, " Ah ! Peace ! I won't have to feed him or tidy up after him or listen to his schoolboy guffawing at his own supposed wit as he writes another unamusing blog about me ! "
I will be thinking, " Ah now ! A packet of Vimto's Chewy Toffees and another of Buttermints eaten together will be delicious on the three hour drive home and there'll be no-one to point out how many I'm eating ! "
That's the extent of my subterfuge, not, " Let me look in my little black book for a lucky lady's address !" or " A few pints I think at the Cock Inn at Smithfield !"
Mind you, even if I've just eaten a dinner, which I will have done just before my pre-drive half hour's snooze, I will be hoping that the chip shop in Longtown which shuts at nine will somehow still be open at ten when I drive through !
Failing that I'll be salivating at the thought of Vegetable Satay and Fried Rice from the Brampton Takeaway which will be exactly the correct temperature for eating when I get home one and a quarter hours later !
None of my customers believe that I am anything other than a debonair and highly successful leather bag maker, especially when they read my signs or listen to me regaling them with my tales of my life cavorting with famous filmstars and members of the Royal Family and if in desperation they try to get away from me then I refuse to hand them back their kidnapped and bound children unless they stay to the bitter end !
Of course I do keep secrets from Shirley ! Well for the briefest amount of time before I have to blurt them out !
And this is where I come to the reason for my title . Last Monday morning I had an appointment with my dentist and I had no breakfast beforehand knowing that if I had done then anything in my stomach would end up over him when he touched my gagging point which he inevitably would !
So, having survived that and without my wife at home worrying about my getting back to work I toddled off to the town's enormous number of charity shops which now outnumber all normal shops and are only outnumbered themselves by junk shops !
Had Shirley been at home I would still have gone shopping but put on an act of magnificent frustration when I got home, blaming the dentist for keeping me waiting for over an hour !
Anyway, starving and weak and without my usual lollipop from the dentist's recertionist for not being sick I spotted a sign, " A FULL ENGLISH BREAKFAST WITH TEA AND TOAST FOR £4 ! " and succumbed !
The fact that it was in a cafe decoratively untouched for forty years and held together by sour odours and chip fat did not put me off and neither did the less than fastidious clientele !
We have cafes for the better off but this one caters unashamedly generally for a couple of classes below that !
And the food was ABSOLUTELY DELICIOUS !
" Scrumptious ! " I said to the waitress as I rooted in my purse for the exact change !
When I got home I worked for quite a long time on my laptop before phoning Shirley for advice on what time I should leave to get back in time for a walk with her and she asked whether I'd finished off last night's takeaway for my lunch !
" Oh ! Yes !" I lied as the bacon and sausage grease was still sloshing around comfortably in my stomach !
But eventually, having chucked the remains of last night's meal in a neighbours bin, I got back and had to go for a walk AS SOON AS I got out the car as she was desperate to tell me that she had had her terrifying recurring nightmare again about a foreigner ( I daren't write that it was a 'Blackman' [I'd call him Negro but that is worse apparently though OK in my younger days !] as that would invite racist accusations ! ) in a clown's suit walking along the veranda grinning, looking for a window to climb in through to murder her !
I found sleep eluded me for well over three minutes that night as I was so excited by my secrets !
In the morning Shirley said, " Show us your new old shirts then ! I know you must have bought some ! You're just like your mother ! You can't pass a charity shop to save your life !"
Thank goodness I'd bought well and my new old shirts were approved !
After at least two minutes had passed I quietly squeaked, " Erm ! There is one other secret that I can't keep any longer !"
" Don't tell me ! You had a Full English Breakfast in THE HENRY THE EIGHTH RESTAURANT didn't you ? " ( Cafe name slightly changed for legal reasons ! )
How did she know that ? It could have been any one of a million things !
I hadn't told Gemma who would have phoned her immediately to spill the beans !
I had searched the street before entering and after leaving to make sure no-one recognised me and I knew none of the other customers !
So ! How DO wives just KNOW !
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