Sally-Part 101 . IT ALL STARTS AGAIN HERE, BACK IN SCOTLAND !

WHO WOULDN'T WANT TO HAVE FIVE DAYS OF SOLID SUNSHINE HERE AT AUCHENLARIE IN SOUTHWEST SCOTLAND PERCHED HIGH ABOVE THE OCEAN AND  FACING THE SOUTH ?

The day was starting rather well I thought as I dragged myself from my usual eight hours of deep sleep because Shirley, sensing my return to consciousness, seemed quite happy within herself as she wakened me fully telling me about her only needing a pee at 1:16am, 3:48am and 5:21am !

DAWN AT LOW WATER PERFECTLY REFLECTED IN THE WET FORESHORE !

AND THE SUNSETS HAVE BEEN SPECTACULAR EACH EVENING !

NOW THAT'S COLD !

YOU PROBABLY WON'T BELIEVE THIS BUT IT WAS AS IT SAYS WHEN WE GOT BACK FROM OUR WALK TO ROBERT THE BRUCE'S STONE IN GLEN TROOL !

She had on her smiley face if you can call not waking me with a bark and a list of wrongdoings her smiley face !

And this having been our third night back in our silent Scottish retreat we're finally really relaxed !

There's no reception and so there's no Facebook or e-mails and there are no grandchildren to call me "stupid brainless old man" !

But my goodness the nights have been freezing and with the central heating constantly roaring away I have stayed warm beneath two heavy quilts wearing a full-length cashmere nightshirt with my feet on a hot water bottle and a nightcap on my head !

Shirley hasn't stayed warm at all sadly as her blood boils at about seven degrees Celsius and she has lain naked and roasting on top of the quilts tossing and turning, gasping in the Saharan heat and resenting my unconsciousness !

There's another problem; when she wakes up my wife is immediately functioning at full power and wants answers, fast !

During her generally sleepless nights she has thought of at least a hundred things I or she or someone else has said over the last forty years and gets extremely annoyed if I fail to recollect a fact or someone's name that whizzed through my life for a moment years before !

Because the mood was light, when Shirley asked me to hop out of bed to turn the central heating back on  I,  in an act of really stupid defiance dared to say, " Do it yourself !"

Rather silly really as Shirley is not a woman to say "No !" to even as a joke, which it was meant to be as apart from being able to wake up in an instant, her mood can change equally quickly from acceptably calm to raging bull in the same split second !

As she attempted to hurl herself at the switch threatening me with all sorts I, at the same instant and laughing out loud, threw my right arm around her waist endeavouring to pin her down and leap over her to do the job !

Unfortunately and honestly without knowing it, my left elbow, which I was using as a springboard to take all my weight, had pinned her hair down against the mattress and the scream that erupted from her as her scalp apparently detached itself from her skull was not pleasant !

Of course I couldn't do anything about it as all the dynamics had been set in motion and as I'm not as agile as I once was I was powerless to release her hair for quite a few excruciating seconds or at least not until she had elbowed me violently under the ribs which threw me forcefully backwards and left me lying totally winded for some time whilst she stumbled wailing to the mirror and stood staring in horror sobbing and examining what she knew would become a great bald patch and a disaster for our thirty nine year old son Jonathan's upcoming wedding day in five weeks time !

I am sixty four and wonder if I stand any chance of growing up !