Sally-Part 96. STUFFED IN THE LAKE DISTRICT ! NOW FULLY PHOTOED UP !

THE HAMPSFELL HOUSE HOTEL AT DUSK IN NOVEMBER.

I am stuffed and I can't move !

I have just eaten one of the best meals of all time in a lovely Cumbrian hotel !

SHIRLEY POINTING ! A FASCINATING STUDY OF A HUMAN'S REACTION TO THINGS AND ONLY SLIGHTLY MARRED BY BLURRING CAUSED BY MY EXCITEMENT AT WANTING TO LOOK AT WHAT HAD BEEN POINTED AT !

This is Shirley's fault as usual because now that we only have on average three days out every week when I'm frog-marched around the grounds of one of Northumberland's Stately Homes; the caravan in Dumfries and Galloway, for a minimum of five nights as less isn't worth the journey, where I'm frog-marched around the site up to eighteen times a day, in order to check up on who's sold up, relocated or doesn't seem to be spending as much time on the site as last year and therefore might be thinking of selling up, which would give us the opportunity of moving to their pitch and an uncountable number of holidays around the world every year, she called me through to tell me about the website she'd just found which offered incredibly discounted hotel breaks around the world !

NO! I'M TELLING YOU IT'S THAT WAY ! SHIRLEY AND I HAVE NEVER AGREED ABOUT A SINGLE THING SINCE WE MET, THOUGH I TELL HER I AGREE WITH ALL HER OPINIONS ! I'M NOT STUPID YOU KNOW!

One of the offers was for this hotel that we're now in, The Hampsfell House at Grange-over-sands for £35= per night for TWO bed and breakfast and which is terrifically located on a silent hillside up an uninviting lane with no passing traffic.

A LITTLE-USED BENCH ON A LITTLE-USED BACK ROAD UP TO HAMPSFELL HOSPICE.

Promoting itself as a dog-friendly place, Shirley had the nerve to ask for a room that hadn't had dogs in !

Whether we got one or not I don't really know but as neither of us can detect any canine odours and I haven't collapsed in a paroxysm of asthmatic choking, I presume we have !

A DISTANT VIEW OF THE HILLSIDES DRAPED IN THICK BUSHES ! OR IS IT A CLOSE-UP OF A DRYSTONE WALL COVERED IN MOSS ?

We'll be having two nights here; a decision that was reached approximately as follows.

"David !" it started three days ago, " If you're not busy...( one is never not busy when one has vital Blog statistics to check and a million leather purses to make ! )...you know that we've paid to have the caravan drained off and we have to get over there to bring the bedding home before everything freezes and goes mouldy, stand the cushions up and make sure the little loose nail on the outside is properly sealed with clear mastic and pay the insurance ? Well, I've been checking the weather forecasts and Monday and Tuesday are going to be washouts in Scotland but they're showing sun all day in The Lake District with no nights going below 1*C at the caravan until next Monday, so I thought that if you want to get some work done on Monday and Tuesday and see the kids, we could then combine going to Scotland with a couple of separate stays in The Lakes either on the way there or the way back.What do you think ? "

Actually I DON'T think ! What is the point when whatever I think is rejected !

( As a perfect example I'll tell you about one holiday in Cornwall when  exasperated at having to make all the decisions, as you're about to hear, I was confronted whilst trying to eat my Golden Syrupped porridge: " I am sick " I was moaned at, " of having to make every decision around here ! Now, just for once you take the map and decide where we're going to go today !"

So I took it, looked at it and frankly randomly pointed at somewhere . " I'd like to go there. " I said, pointing.

Shirley examined my choice and said with contempt, " Get lost ! I've decided we're going here !"

And that's why I don't bother thinking and just pick up the keys and await instructions on how to drive ! )

"Fine!" I replied as usual, not taking my eyes off the screen, "Sounds great ! Book it !"

" What do you mean ' Book IT ! ' ? Were you listening to me ? I said two nights in different hotels !"

"Bugger !" I thought " Pay some attention or you'll get caught out again as usual !"

So I shouted through, " I said 'THEM' ! You must have misheard me !" Phew!

"Well I need you to come through and take a look as I'm not sure which one to go to first as it will mean an extra mile and a half on the clock and with it hardly doing fifty to a gallon rather than the fifty one it said in the manual I think we should discuss this really important matter !"

So without wishing to bore you, which I believe I've never done, two nights were selected and booked in and around Lake Windermere.

A BIG SKY OVER ULVERSTON ESTUARY.

A SLEEPING CROCODILE ON THE SHORES OF CONISTON WATER !

Back in my room and with my Stanley knife barely back in my hand, I was re-summoned because the weather forecast had changed in the blink of an eye to the temperature not sinking below freezing until next Wednesday which freed us from the immediate urgency to get to Scotland and this meant that, " We could have another night in The Lakes and I've found THIS one if you'll come through and have a look !"

So, kneeling down beside her and her laptop at a distance, either four feet away or two inches away from the screen, which are my bifocals either/or ranges I squinted at the blurred images and once again said ,"Book two nights there as well and then we'll find things to do and places to explore during the six hours between booking out and then in again at each of the hotels which are all next door to each other ."

" OK  ! But I'll just check the weather forecast again before I do ."

I have learnt, frankly only recently, that if I can keep the tone in my voice jaunty that I can give the impression that I'm really happy to share the entire world's meteorological forecast of one cloud in Cumbria and the likelihood of it ruining a short break !

Our horrendous journey here through storms.fog and flood must wait for another Blog !

UNHAPPY TREES REALLY IN AN OVERFILLED  LAKE ULLSWATER !

I CAN'T REMEMBER WHERE I TOOK THIS ONE AND I DON'T KNOW WHY THE LETTERS HAVE CHANGED STYLE WITHOUT ME DOING ANYTHING !

Anyway, for now and if I've managed to keep this tale running reasonably smoothly, that is how I've managed to end up in agony tonight !

I GOT REALLY SHOUTED AT BY LOADS OF DRIVERS WHEN I STOPPED THE CAR IN THE MIDDLE OF THE M6 AND JUMPED OUT TO TAKE THIS !

And now I can start writing the Blog I meant to write about my fall from grace at Pontin's Holiday Camp Quiz Night !