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| SEE ! I HAVE MADE MY WIFE AND CHILDREN PROUD OF ME ! |
See ! There was another category of people waiting to be insulted !
It's only a joke George ! Don't stop reading now !
( The following paragraph once contained libel and slander and after some consideration I have removed many very hateful thoughts which really destroys the Blog by letting someone off the hook who should really be hung by the neck but frees me from the lawyer's greedy grasp ! )
Actually I love the only Pub quiz I ever go to and that's when I go on holiday but where I never win !
I prefer to witness the desperately hopeful determined-to-be winners in relentless competition with each other and don't mind losing my pound just because I can't believe no-one else realises they've lost to people who eat 'General Knowledge' books for breakfast !
Their encyclopaedic knowledge is not the stuff of ordinary general knowledge !
Frankly, I usually find myself shouting out, " How can anyone possibly know the answer to that ?" at most of the obscurely stupid questions !
Like knowing who scored the winning basket in the Harlem Globetrotters win over The New York Yankees in 1957 isn't either !
I reckon that I can score between one and six out of fifty were I to play on my own and I would have thought that I was pretty average for a man !
Shirley who is super intelligent and knows everything about everything and apart from Trivial Pursuit which she can win with her eyes shut, can get about seven right on the very rare occasions that she has accompanied the boys and I to the pub !
Our friends, a doctor and a lawyer, score zero !
So what happened to me at Pontin's Morecambe Bay thirty years ago ?
Well with three young children to impress, I entered myself for the Camp Quiz immediately after LOSING the knobbly knees competition, both of which were held on the stage in the entertainment complex for normally sexed people and was not, as the title would suggest for men dressed in tights !
There were ten of us, each asked a question in turn.....I picked up this system quite quickly..... and as I was number ten I was able to answer all the other's simple question easily; only learning when I'd been punched a few times that you don't answer other people's questions !
Questions like 'Can you name the three colours used on traffic lights ?' or 'complete this series..1, 2 3,4,5,6,7,8,9 and .....?' or 'What symbols are used on toilet doors in pubs to show which are for men and which are for women ?'
So, looking and feeling bored I awaited my first simpleton's question which was 'In 1923 Isaac Einstein added a new equation to his theory on quantum mechanics. Can you give me that equation ?'
So that was the first of my three similar and ridiculously impossible questions which got me eliminated immediately and resulted in my shouting " Well could any of you have done better ?" at the booing and hissing audience of two thousand !
Shirley and the children ran out without waiting to commiserate with me as they didn't want anyone to know that they were with me !
Still the following day I made it up to them by scoring the winning goal in the 'Staff versus Campers' football match, which I managed after I found myself leaning, gasping against the opponent's goal posts having run a whole length of the half-sized pitch, and just being in the right place at the right time as one of my own team slammed his shot into my kidneys from where it dribbled across the line !
I think he thought I was wonderful as he screamed, "Fucking poacher!" into my ear which I took as a compliment, never having ever played any sport before in my entire life !
SHORT INTERLUDE : I have just fallen down the step into the gents because I ignored the sign on the door which said 'MIND THE STEP !' !
Anyway the next day and to cement my family's respect for my sporting prowess, I came third out of three in the 'Father's Fifty Yard Breaststroke Race' coming in a respectable three quarters of a length behind the second placed man as we thrashed our way through an indoor pool so neglected that it's surface was covered in seagull's feathers and poo from birds trapped for years inside the most cracked glass roof ever seen !
I had to beg for the certificate which proved my sublime achievement as the camp was only funded to give one to the winner ! And that's true !
I'll find it and print a copy of it shortly and print a photo of me in my football outfit which I had to borrow from my ten year old !
Pontin's closed it's doors at Morecambe Bay forever shortly after we left !
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| A NATURAL SPORTSMAN AT HIS BEST ! |
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