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| A VERY PRETTY PICTURE TOTALLY UNRELATED TO THE STORIES YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ AS I DIDN'T THINK I OUGHT TO PRINT PHOTOS OF THE PARTS ABOUT TO BE MENTIONED ! |
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| I THOUGHT THAT THIS ONE AND IT'S FREUDIAN CONNECTIONS BELONGED WITH THE DEFLOWERING TALE BUT I CAN'T GET IT TO PRINT THERE ! THIS BLOG DEALS IN HORRIFIC DETAIL ABOUT GENITALIA ! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED ! |
No-one and especially not me should have watched the episode of ' Embarrassing Bodies ' which I had just seen, where a young mother with a web cam at home reported a vaginal prolapse and then revealed her problem to an unready world !
It wasn't the shaven ugliness but the double piercings that did for me!
Nearly as much as what the sight of a thick-set fifty year old man who revealed the outcome of a shallow, rather than full-vaginal transexual operation did to me, an unprepared small leathergoods manufacturer as well as the rest of the world !
I started to think a chain of thoughts that frightened and disgusted me !
Like...who actually performs such piercings or operations ? Why would anyone want to have their most sensitive parts pierced or removed or turned inside out to provide a reception area for other worryingly strange men ? Or rendered unnaturally hairless ?
I once had a young man at my stall who I had shown some compassion towards a couple of years earlier when, dressed as a woman he had told me of his struggles dressing and living as a woman for the required two years before being allowed to be operated on.
When I next saw him he told me that although he was still waiting for his breast enlargements he was now a lady down below and still a virgin !
I wished him luck and good fortune with his future life with a determined finality in my voice, fixed stare and firm handshake all of which barely concealed my rising hysteria as I tried to hide my fear that he would be requesting ME to deflower him !
Did the lady give birth with both the upper and lower piercings in place and as nature requires maximum stretching would the metalwork not have caused the baby and mother some discomfort ? Did she attend her ante-natal classes ' pins-intacto' ? What do doctors and midwives think when they see these things? And could the lady I once saw with over two hundred internal piercings hope to one day have children ?
I know that one of 'The Twins' will know the answer to these questions if she can ever look me in the eye again !
I STILL don't know which twin is which !
I was once a little curious about changing the appearance 'downstairs' and not meaning to make you all sick as you read this at breakfast, when I was twenty one I was lying in the bath in my parents' house when my father, the local doctor, walked in unannounced and vomited when he noticed that a girlfriend had shaved a part of me which lies a little below the belly button into a heart shape! ( Sorry, no surviving photos ! )
NO ! I hadn't done it myself and YES ! I really did have a girlfriend !
And I'd 'done' hers ! ( I've still got THESE photos ! )
YUK ! YUK ! YUK ! Now maybe but then ? YUM !YUM !YUM !
" Shirley ! " I'd choked, " This is disgusting ! "
" Then don't watch it you pervert and anyway I want to watch the re-run of ' DEAL' ! So give me the remote ! "
" NO ! I've got to watch it ! "
" Sod off ! You've had control of the TV for four minutes and that's your lot ! Anyway, haven't you got your bloody blog to write ? "
I just had time to peer through my spread fingers as a young man, also with a web-cam displayed the shattered end of his doodah ( NOTE: vagina for women and transexuals and doodah for men ! ) from which he'd had his ring ripped during a rugby match tackle !
Why hadn't the idiot removed it before taking to the pitch ?
Even Dr.Chris swallowed hard and winced unprofessionally when he saw that one !
The entire crew must howl with laughter off camera and at Christmas parties mime the worst patients' sufferings to rapturous hoots of joy !
We do our own version of 'EMBARRASSING BODIES CHARADES' in my house after we get all the neighbours round and we've all had a good drink and I can't recommend the idea highly enough !
And to those who think I am sick, did you actually feel as sick as I did when the fertility Lord unnecessarily produced a dishful of his own sperm to illustrate sperm ?
It raised questions of what is acceptable on TV and what is not.
Anything to do with ladies various downstairs problems is OK !
Like thirty-times-an-hour adverts for Tena Lady and Tampax, just because no-one could possibly associate leaking parts with sexuality !
But mention a gentleman's sensitive concerns and it's ' filth ' !
And away from the TV, should a gentleman show interest in reading 'Real Life ' experiences of a window cleaner then he's likely to have his collection of similar literary magazines hurled at him in a blind fit of hysterical screaming and claims that he doesn't love her when " All I've ever done is pander to your perverted needs ! "
But now, as if by magic, a woman has produced several volumes of fantasy about a much younger man who repeatedly ties her up, whips her and torments her before overwhelmingly satisfying her, that have sold by the truckload, causing great dissatisfaction amongst others of her sex and IT'S 'literature' !
YEH ! YEH ! YEH !
If you haven't worked it out yet ladies, men want their tea on the table and VERY little else !
And if you wouldn't mind falling asleep before things got going then all the better !
In a similar vein about 'Bits' for those of you who are still reading this, I mentioned in ' Tokyo, Not For The Feint-Hearted ! ' the tale of the elderly lady who asked my wife if she had also received a letter from 'Colonsay Council' claiming that 'Dogging' was of growing concern on the Island and requesting her not to take part in case word got out and brought additional unwelcome visitors to the place !
The letter had actually been written and planted by her naughty husband and was of course a practical joke !
But that didn't stop me getting an email from a reader who thought that my story was well observed or somesuch and then when I clicked on her site, it was an actual 'Dogging' site, complete with full-action photos.
I spent several hours examining some very gruesome subject-matter before replying that I had no interest in her practices !
Her name was "AMBER" if any other men want to write her a disapproving note !
The trouble with writing in the caravan and not in the privacy of my room is that Shirley has to pass me quite regularly on her way to prepare more food and coffee for me and she finds it almost impossible to do it without making one or two caustic comments, like ," You type 'Camp' and you haven't trimmed your eyebrows properly !"
I mean, I'm the one who's supposed to be intolerant of minorities but in reality I tolerate everyone and she none !
How insulted will those few people be who are 'Camp' when they read her admonition?
Shirley actually used another word when she criticised the way I type with only my two middle fingers whilst the rest are held curled upwards in a sweeping manner reminiscent of posh people drinking tea in a " National Trust " tea room or of 'Camp' people talking to others in a rather unnecessarily florid manner but she won't let me use it in case ' Camp' people are offended !
Her general impatience extends to having to acknowledge the existence of all other humans should she come into contact with any of them on her rare excursions out of the house !
Only last week we visited a newly "National Trusted" house just five minutes from home and as I walked up the stairs to the fire-gutted main hall, I spotted the volunteer standing at the entrance holding a bell on a spring!
And he had spotted his next victim..Shirley !
He had obviously been instructed to talk to people as if they were about three years old and as I sidled to the wall-charts I sniggered to myself as he closed in for the kill on the most impatient and intolerant woman in the world!
And don't think of bothering me with Emails claiming your woman is even more impatient and intolerant than mine because it's NOT possible !
" Hello there ! " he condescended, " I bet you couldn't imagine being a servant two hundred years ago and being able to recognise each of over two dozen bells arraigned over your head in the kitchen, each one associated with a different room? "
Shirley's trite "No." spoke volumes to me, a grinning idiot but washed over the man's head as he continued by telling her his entire and unrequested life history!
She kicked me hard on the shin when she finally escaped !
We once again didn't have tea or coffee as we hadn't at other " Trust" properties, preferring instead a short snooze before the three mile trip home on which I hoped I wouldn't get lost and so our "BUY NINE GET ONE FREE NATIONAL TRUST DRINKS VOUCHER CARD " remained worryingly blank !
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