Sally-Part 76. YET ANOTHER TALE OF MY PRIVATES !

IT WAS THIS YOUNG MAN'S CONCEPTION THAT EVENTUALLY LED TO MY DEVASTATING VASECTOMY !

I walked into the Obstetrics ward carrying a bottle of  Lucozade to toast my newest child's birth and to congratulate my wife on her stirling effort to repopulate Blyth when I heard her Consultant saying, " Sorry for the delay Mrs. Nash but we're running a little behind and I just wanted to make it clear that I'm not happy to tie off your 'tubes' during a caesarian as they'll be very swollen and the sterilisation might fail ! However I'm quite happy to perform a vasectomy on your husband next week and Ah! here he is now so I'll just get him to sign the consent form whilst I'm here!

I dropped the glass bottle which smashed into a thousand shards, blindly signed the form and my hair started to turn at least fifty shades of grey !

I forgot all about the impending birth or that my wife might be feeling a little anxious and sat rocking and murmuring " No no no no no! What have I done to deserve this? Contraception is NOT my responsibility !"

I got 'nadgered' as a day patient in the obstetrics ward where a reception committee of heavily pregnant women badgered and cat-called  me on arrival and called my manhood into question when I left six hours later in a wheelchair!

Shirley thought I was play-acting as I crawled from my taxi to our front door !

But I wasn't and started dying !

I couldn't stand, I couldn't sit! I couldn't lie down and finally I couldn't breathe !

The emergency Doctor told me to stick my face in a paper bag, breathe slowly and relax!

I stopped hyperventilating and tried to put a brave face on my horrendous experience, caused by my being a weed who didn't drink at all, let alone the amount a Northern man drinks and  got given a dose of general anasthetic large enough to knock out a horse or a Northern drinking man !

A week later with my left epidydimous or epydidimous or epididymous  (you'll have to look it up) swollen enough to cause excruciating pain I returned to the clinic to be told that the reaction was normal and would continue to cause me problems for the rest of my life !

And then six weeks later having 'provided a sample' to an extremely young and attractive receptionist I was ushered into a consulting room to be told by a Nigerian doctor that " Your sperms are deaded!"

My hair was by now totally grey !

Men, this is a true tale and a real warning....DON'T DO IT !

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