With the two of us still full from breakfast and without an emergency sandwich in sight we set out at 10:45am for the sixty mile trip to eat in the Mull of Galloway Lighthouse restaurant and enjoy the fantastic view out to sea and over to Ireland.
Tired out we stopped for a rest after two miles at The Marbury Smokehouse to spend £6:85, the last of our meagre life savings on our second hot smoked-salmon baguette of the season.
We then carried on for a further non-stop twenty minutes of exhausting driving before pulling off the road because I was starving and desperate for a nap.
After I ate my half of the baguette, Shirley, who was STILL full from breakfast, ate the other half plus the salad and packet of crisps ( Not such bad value then ? ) that I wouldn't touch as I don't understand how anyone can like eating soggy leaves soured with vinegar and accompanied by large rings of raw onion as a delicacy I presume, to perfume the breath!
I think that salad is unmanly!
Arriving at our destination weak from lack of sleep we reclined our seats for another nap before setting out for a walk right around the round lighthouse.
Thankfully I wasn't staggering under the weight of Shirley's usual necessities as even she felt capable of managing ten minutes without needing to change her shoes, jacket or slap on extra sunblock, though of course I secretly stuffed the unopened Anti-thigh-rub-gel into my coat pocket just in case!
" I'm not going to be able to eat a dinner after that roll but d'you know what I really fancy?" Shirley asked.
Not being clairvoyant I had no idea and dared to say so. Or rather I said, " My half of the salmon baguette? "
"Don't be stupid! If I'd wanted your half I would have eaten it! Look what do we always see people eating on a day out that I would never normally ask for?"
"Err! Chips? "
" No! You really are thick aren't you? What is the one thing that I would NEVER eat? Think man! People hold them and eat them and I've just seen a man with one wrapped in greaseproof paper! What's up with you? Don't stand there looking gormless! "
" Shirley I really don't know why a man would be wrapped in greaseproof paper! Can you give me more of a clue? "
" Not the man thicko! The thing that I wouldn't normally want but really do now!"
" A Hot Dog? And is this your way of telling me you're pregnant?"
" No! Oh God give me strength! And don't be disgusting! I'm sixty years old! A cornet you idiot! A cornet! I've just seen a man eating a cornet and I want one!"
" If you'd said that five minutes ago we wouldn't have had a row would we? And I've never seen a cornet wrapped in greaseproof paper!"
"We haven't had a row! You're too sensitive! And if it wasn't greaseproof paper it was something that made it look delicious and it had three lumps and I want one!"
" So calling me gormless and a thicko and an idiot is not having a row? "
" Of course not. We had a DISCUSSION and now you're going to sulk for three days! Well thanks for ruining my day out!"
" Oh God! Right! What flavours would you like and I'll go and get one and I'm not sulking right?"
" I know you and you ARE sulking and I don't want your bloody ice cream and don't think I'm going to forget this in a hurry!"
"O.K! I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you !" ( There I go, the innocent party, apologising AGAIN! ) "Look let's go and get something to eat first and then have a cornet O.K ?"
" O.K. But I'm not hungry now though I wouldn't mind a Cappuccino and then we'll have a cornet but we'll just buy one and share it!"
The Lighthouse's restaurant has huge floor to ceiling windows with panoramic views from it's cliff-top position and whilst I waited five or so minutes for Shirley to test and choose her preferred table from a choice of twenty and believe me, just like the rare occassions when we have been to the cinema, it can be like watching a dog circling around in it's basket before settling down, I absent-mindedly found myself thinking things.
The first was what a good decision it had been to build the lighthouse up here so it's restaurant would have such a good view!
And the second was 'Blimey! Shirley never goes in cafes! She must need a wee 'cos she IS pregnant but then she'll never use a public toilet for fear of getting locked in, which she never has been so why is she scared about it and anyway we carry an emergency Tupperware sandwich box in the car for such 'emergencies' which she then empties out the window when we're on the move and the contents of which I get covered in when the slipstream throws it back in in a fine spray!
And my third thought was, 'I'm really hungry!'
And all those thoughts whilst I was waiting for 'table approval'!
We sat, only changing seat positions twice and Shirley said," I hope that you're not hungry are you 'cos I'm not and anyway you won't like any of their mains so we'll just have two coffees and go O.K?"
So as I obviously wasn't hungry I spent only £4 on two tasteless cups of hot water with foamed milk and seemingly very little coffee.
Thankfully they were such big drinks that my ravenous appetite was held at bay and I went back to spend several more pounds on a three-flavoured cornet delightfully wrapped in greaseproof paper, just as Shirley said it would be, which we took back to the car to share and watched in silence as it slipped down Shirley's gullet until only the last inch of the delicious soggy end was left and only then dared to give a gentle 'reminder' cough.
" Oh ! You know I love the last bit and you don't really like ice cream do you?"
"Apparently not! But I AM hungry"
"Well why didn't you say so before? We're not going back in now! And anyway you're being ridiculous! You can't possibly be hungry after half a baguette only three hours ago and you've had a humbug and a leaf of my orange and if you're really starving there's a Crunchie in the back! Can't you hang on 'til we get home and get scampi and chips from the take-away and then I can have the small ones?"
And I did hang on and got scampi and chips which I ate as I read my book, failing to remember to sort out a few small ones for Shirley who then approached, 'humphed' and proceeded to inspect by flicking each one, squeezing her selection until she was satisfied that they were just right, leaving the now damaged rejects piled at one end of the polystyrene container for me!
" It's O.K ! My hands are clean !" She snapped when she saw me staring in horror and dismay.
To properly appreciate the look that I'm trying to describe you have to watch ' Bitzer's' face in ' Shaun The Sheep ' !
I've just finished them off two hours later by filling a sandwich with a dozen 'left-over' chips covered in mayonnaise which I was too full to eat at the time and now I'm in pain!
PS. AN EDITORIAL NOTE FROM MRS.MAINWARING:
There is no point in editing this story as about only 20% of it is true and it would take too long !
I do have to correct a couple of points though.
The real truth is that I tried to force the old pain to have a main course in the cafe but he refused and I then tried to talk him into going to Portpatrick to get a Dublin Bay Prawn open sandwich that we last ate in 1985 and which he still raves about but he was too tired to make the 10 mile extra drive there !
Then I suggested a Chinese in Newton Stewart but he said that they're all crap except his beloved "Broadway" in Blyth of course and that's why he ended up with his scampi !
Also we did NOT actually have an ice cream as we were too full from the huge Cappuccinos!
Mrs Mainwaring.
PPS. That's blown it! Now who's ever going to believe a thing I write ?DN
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