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| I HELD MY NERVE AS THIS BRUTE SIDE-STEPPED MY OUTSTRETCHED ARMS AND CHARGED AFTER SHIRLEY! YOU CAN SEE TINY WHIFFS OF SOIL ON THE RIGHT THROWN UP DURING HER DESPERATE RUN FOR SANCTUARY IN THE CLAN MACPHEE MONUMENT ON COLONSAY |
You can watch fat cuckoo chicks sitting on power lines being fed by hoards of tiny reed warblers and not, as an arrogant " expert " said to me dismissively in the hotel bar when I told him what I'd seen, " You mean attacking! " and turning to his fellow drinkers in the bar and motioning towards me went " Tch! ", his chin nearly jumping over his head in derision!
I found out years later that I had been right all along but I obviously carry the humiliation quite close to the surface
These might have been the same group of men that Shirley asked some years before if they had seen me, "A six foot man with a beard" when she was waiting to go somewhere and I had disappeared and she went into the bar to see if I was in there and they, without looking up from their drinks grunted "Naw!"
Few men say "Naw!" to my wife and live to tell the tale! She must have been in a good mood that day!
The only problem there was that I didn't HAVE a beard!
INTERLUDE:
How unobservant some women are!
And how unobservant are men?
I mean, well, all men have had their wives stand in front of them and say, "Well, what do you think?" And the poor man then has to try and take his eyes off the telly for long enough to try and work out what he's supposed to have noticed!
Then his wife collapses in fury and goes on at him for far too long, especially if snooker or a Bond film is on, about how much she hates him and how she wishes she had listened to her mother and married dependable Frank from thirty seven, before bursting into tears and running up stairs for a major convulsion behind the locked bedroom door.
What I recommend men do if this does happens in your house is as follows...... Wait until the worst of the sobbing has died down and put on your trainers. Open the front door and call upstairs "If you're over your hissy fit I'm sure you'd like to come down and cook me some dinner. Lasagne would be awesome!"
And then run! As fast and as far as you can and don't go home for three days!
BACK TO COLONSAY!
Cows and sheep graze by the roadside and at most give you a mournful look as you walk past.
Whenever we go to the Island Shirley writes a list of her favourite places to visit and ticks off each one after we've been there.
There's one walk in particular which we both enjoy.
We park at the entrance to Baleromindhuh Farm and walk the three miles or so via the unspoilt Silver Beaches and back across the magnificent Strand, passing the haunting monument repaired relatively recently by the dispersed members of the McPhee Clan to honour the memory of the last McPhee Chief, Malcolm killed on that spot by a renegade MacDonald in 1623.
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| SHIRLEY, NOW CALM AFTER HER FRIGHT, (see below ) ON THE BEAUTIFUL CABLE BAY |
Passing through the farm gate you walk upwards across open land with a few sheep and cows grazing quietly in the distance.
But Shirley doesn't like cattle. She believes that they are all just waiting to charge her and she has been known to refuse a walk if one is visible from two miles away.
So on one particular day we were about half way to the monument, that is about a half a mile from it and Shirley stood stock still and moaned, "Did you hear that?"
"No! What?" I said a little wearily.
"A bull!" Her voice rising with anxiety.
"Where is it?" I tried again with even greater weariness.
"There! No you fool THERE!" Quite animated now and pointing at a dot on the far horizon which if you looked at it through powerful binoculars you could just make out was a youngster.
"Nothing to worry about I can assure you!" I said, failing to assure her!
"I don't like it!" She growled.
"But it's nowhere near!" I soothed.
"What if it sees me and charges?" She whimpered.
"For goodness sake, it's half a mile away and it's only a calf and you're in no danger at all!" I replied sympathetically.
"I still don't like it! It's a fully grown bull and I'm heading for the monument compound! At least I'll be safe in there! You can do what you want!" Her chin all aquiver
The noise or the palpable fear must have pricked the young creature's interest as it started ambling over towards us.
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| THE WEE MITE BEFORE I CUT THE WIRE! HE!HE!HE! |
"Oh My God David! Do something! I'll run! You stop it!" And she was off, on legs considerably shorter than her father's short ones and at a speed that amazed me, staring wildly backwards over her shoulder, stumbling over heather clumps and rocks and shouting in terror, "Catch it! Stop It! I told you you idiot! I'm going to be killed! HEELLPP!"
The three week old bullock came trundling up towards me with Bambi eyes and delightful little four-legged skips of joy. He almost purred!
But he'd seen Shirley belting off into the distance and probably thinking that it was a game of "Chase me!" neatly side-stepped my waiting outstretched arms and picked up speed to join in with her!
I whispered as it trundled passed, " Stop! Oh please stop!" And then as it didn't seem to have any intention of stopping, a little more forcefully, "OK then, my little beauty, KILL!
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| KILL! KILL BOY! KILL!CRUSH,GORE,TRAMPLE,THEN FINISH HER OFF! |
It was a question of who would reach the compound first! The small, wild, screaming creature or the tiny bullock!
The former won and I managed to hide my disappointment at finding her still standing and compose myself well enough by the time I arrived at her sanctuary to try and offer a reassuring arm around her shoulder and a "There there, it's all over now! You did VERY well and I'm VERY proud of you!"
"I told you!" she wept. "I told you that they're vicious! And what did you do you useless lump of lard? Nothing! That's what you did, NOTHING!"
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| ONE KNACKERED BULL AFTER SHIRLEY OUTRAN HIM TO THE McPHEE MONUMENT |
The bullock, standing nonchalantly grazing some way off received my most withering look!
OK! It really was a full-grown Highland bull with enormous horns!
And I WAS scared..... witless!
( No I wasn't, it really was a sweet little calf! That last tosh was just in case Shirley read it! )
Next year, though Shirley doesn't know it yet,I'm booking a holiday in Pamplona and you know what happens there!
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