Sally-Part 34. SO, SHIRLEY, HOW MANY ROLLS SHALL I BUY FOR THE TWO OF US ?

THREE DAYS OF SOLID SUNSHINE. TAKEN FROM MY VERANDA 29th MARCH 2012

Right, so no more foreign holidays and no more two-night breaks and no more dreadful pub lunches as you will have read in a previous episode!

So that just leaves Shirley cooking, both at home and in our caravan  at Auchenlarie which I think I've already mentioned elsewhere. I'll check.

I would love to take over the cooking but my attempts have always seen the children begging their mother never to let me do it again!

Look, I didn't know you had to cook sausages before putting them in the batter for " Toad In The Hole " and I don't think it was my fault that the oven door hadn't shut when I only quarter-cooked the chicken Kievs!

Our static caravan is set about one hundred feet above the coast and facing south in south-west Scotland's Dumfries and Galloway. We enjoy all-day sun and spectacular views in a particularlarly picturesque part of the world and I'm writing this there at the end of three hot, windless days at the end of March when it should reasonably be cold and stormy. We have slept on the veranda and on the beach in our secluded cove and beside a river way out in the countryside.

That much sleep can make a man hungry and because adamant intentions are soon forgotten, we have ventured to eat out again!

My safe Scampi and chips on the first night was excellent from the site's takeaway, though Shirley's incinerated breaded haddock sat so heavily on her stomach that it caused her to sink into a coma.

And then last night we went into Gatehouse of Fleet and consumed ( "ate" doesn't do justice to the huge portions ) Steak pie, peas, chips and a pint, "Special" for £6:95 a go.

Even Shirley, who never leaves a morsel on any plate, had to admit defeat! So try "The Bank Of Fleet" next time you're passing through on a Wednesday.

And today, with a drive up into the hills scheduled we planned to pick up a picnic at The Marbury Smokehouse, but not before Shirley had made some emergency sandwiches out of the last few bits of cheddar cheese and pink sauce in case the smokehouse was shut, which it wasn't.

" I'm not coming in! You can choose and we'll share one between us! " were my instructions as I  got out the car and walked past the sign ( RIGHT! MY ADVISER ASSURES ME THAT I REALLY AM THICK AND SHE SIMPLY CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHY I DON'T UNDERSTAND THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN VERBS AND THINGS....." YOU WALKED PAST THE SIGN BUT YOU PASSED THE SIGN! GOD IT'S SO EASY! DID YOU NOT LISTEN TO A THING AT SCHOOL?"  )( No! Boys are sitting dreaming about rescuing girls from the clutches of dragons, not learning about verbs, nouns,pronouns and adjectives! Chinese seems easier to me ) which I didn't read but which I, for some reason thought said, " STOP HERE FOR YOUR DELICIOUS TAKEAWAY PICNIC! FROM ONLY £6:75 "

So I asked for a picnic only to be told that they didn't do picnics and that the sign which I hadn't read referred to customers using the courtyard as a picnic area to consume the food that they had bought within.

I was then thrown into a quandary by being presented with a menu which I scanned and immediately couldn't remember what I wanted but I did like the sound of the children's portion of flaked smoked salmon on chips but then couldn't remember how many portions two people would need and so borrowing the menu I shot out to the car to get reminded.

My reminder reminded me that we only required one portion and as it was still my choice that she would like cold smoked salmon with dill and hollandaise sauce.

Back inside within thirty seconds and having completely forgotten what "I" wanted, I asked for the chef's recommendation and came away only ten minutes later, because the preparationiste had been stuck on the phone taking a large order from someone else who didn't know what they wanted, with a hot-smoked salmon baguette ( which is a fancy and therefore much more expensive word for a roll ), with a side dish of salad ( and that means a few cut up leaves which are supposed to do you good but not as much good as they do rabbits, when I would have rather had a good serving of chips smothered in salt with a big pickled onion! ) for only £6:75. Mm! That probably doesn't sound too much to you Londoners but up here that's nearly a week's shopping!

As we drove along, Shirley seemed not to enjoy the smell that she alone could detect coming from the tightly knotted carrier bag.

HOWEVER! When we stopped to share our treat. IT WAS HEAVEN AND WORTH EVERY PENNY!

Go there! Spend your life's savings and find out what taste and flavour and scrumptiousness really are!

AT BLOOMIN' LAST ! Food to write about with enthusiasm!

AND THIS IS WHERE WE ATE IT BEFORE SNOOZING ON THE SAND BANK! THE BIG WATER OF FLEET VIADUCT WHICH I SNAPPED FROM THE HILL OPPOSITE, MANAGING TO SOMEHOW IMPRINT AN ADVERTISING LOGO ON IT!

And the dry cheese sandwiches got fed to the ducks!

CHEESE ON TOAST CHEZ-MOI ANYONE ? BETTER IGNORE THE PRODUCTION FIGURES !THIS IS NOT "THE" SANDWICH BUT A FAIR REPRESENTATION OF IT, FOLLOWING "OH BUGGER! DAVID! I'VE BURNT MY CHEESE ON TOAST AGAIN! HERE YOU ARE, YOU CAN HAVE IT!

On yer bike! We ate them half an hour later because one baguette just wasn't enough!

I should have over-ridden the proffered advice and bought two!

I'm dead again!