I didn't think that I believed in anything and have scoffed at people my whole life who blindly did, which brings me to a "visitor centre" on a bleak, foggy and freezing autumnal afternoon on a lonely moor in Devon.
I was the only person there and as Shirley would never go into such places with me, I left her in the car in a windswept and deserted carpark.
I'm interested in all the "ologies" and Shirley's interested in none! In fact Shirley has no interest whatsoever in how or why anything works. And I don't mean that in a disparaging way. She's just a woman. And of course I didn't mean THAT in a disparaging way either but although commonsense tells me to stop digging this hole right now, I must carry on for a little while longer and let fate take it's course!
When we first met, we must have been out one evening and I must have said something romantic about how lucky I was to have found her and how the moon must have been smiling down on us and when she asked me why people said that, I realised that her short-sightedness meant that she had never seen the face in the moon!
I can still get her to touch anywhere in the car and the horn goes off and she unquestionably accepts my explanation of electrostatic forces creating a circuit. ( N:B Other ladies reading this.....that is not true...the real cause is telepathic waves!
Last night Shirley asked me if the reason she couldn't see the stars was because the moon wasn't out lighting them up?
In every other way Shirley is exceptionally knowledgeable and I often have to bow to her superiority!
Anyway, after that short thought diversion, I read my way around the displays until, upstairs I read about Water-Divining, one of the biggest loads of nonsense you could be fooled by, or so I thought!
On a table were a pair of metallic right-angled copper rods with plastic sleeves on the handles and an invitation to stand in one corner holding them parallel to the floor, elbows tight against one's ribs and thus to walk slowly to the corner diagonally opposite.
So making absolutely sure that there really was no one else around to see the foolishness about to take place, I followed the instructions and I hoped that to support my appalling cynicism that nothing happened.
But, blow me, it did! Both rods swung towards each other!
Obviously I had moved inadvertently so I retraced my steps, made sure every muscle was tightened to the point of seizure and tried again and the rods moved again!
Repeat followed repeat and each time the rods moved with the left stronger than the right.
"Ridiculous!" I snorted, not really fooling myself at all!
" Nearly had me fooled there! " I said to no one and left.
On the way out I saw a man at work in his office and mentioned to him what had just happened and wondered if he had any knowledge on the subject.
" Follow me! " he said and grabbing a forked Hazel branch standing against a wall he led me outside to an area in the car park just in front of our car and turned to face a stream.
Shirley watched this with a furrowed brow, stifling her impatience because I had already been more than a minute and a half.
The man grabbed me firmly around the shoulders and each of us holding one fork of the branch we walked towards the stream.
The entire branch turned in our hands! It was not like a Ouija board with someone controlling the pointer and scaring the life out of vulnerable souls! This thing moved each time we tried it and I was staring at his hand intent on exposing him as a fraud!
I thanked him, made some inane remark about science not being able to explain everything, mentioned Gamma-radiation bursts and wondered if he could explain why wherever I touched myself I got a terrible pain.
He simply took my hand, looked at it briefly and said, " You've got a broken finger! ", shook his head in bemused wonder and disappeared back into his office.
When I got back in the car Shirley was drying her tears and laughing uncontrollably!
"I've wet myself laughing you idiot!"
" What on earth were you doing you twit? " ( I have totally moderated her actual words here! )
" Water Divining darling! And it's amazing because it actually, really and I'm not just saying it, works! "
" You looked like a complete idiot! Now if you don't mind you've wasted ten minutes here and if we don't get back quickly I'm going to miss " DEAL " So get your foot down!"
"Water Divining indeed!" She guffawed!
It DOES work!
Honest!
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