Sally - Part 5. IT'S NOT AN EXAGGERATION!



SALLY AT HER HAPPIEST AS A SNOOKER 'BANDIT' ! SHE ROAMED FOREST GATE SNOOKER HALLS TAKING ON AND BEATING ALL-COMERS ! SHE LOST ONLY ONCE....TO RAY REARDON, SIX TIMES WORLD CHAMPION !

You may think that I have exaggerated my accusation against my mother but I haven't. I was a witness, as I was a sickly, skeletally thin child who spent most of his early school years at home vomitting copiously in a virtually permanent state of gastro-colonic collapse caused, as shown by extensive laboratory investigations, by my mother's appalling lack of hygiene,  both personal, in the bathroom or in the kitchen.

No matter what modern theorists say about today's children's lack of exposure to microbes because of their mothers over-zealous use of bleach, Mr Muscle and Cillit Bang, I was bombarded with hostile and infectious matter direct from maternal orifices to which I developed no immunity whatsoever.

I repeatedly heard her answering the phone when my father was out on his home visits; " Hello darling. Dr.Nash's surgery.  Mrs Nash speaking.How may I help?  Oh darling! How awful! Is he/she feverish? Does he/she have diarrhea or/and a headache? Does his/her wind smell wineish or meaty? Oh darling, give him/her two aspirin and if there's no improvement in a fortnight don't hesitate to call back. Byee!".

Then when my father returned, did he not think it odd that my mother told him that no one had phoned? After all, the phone never stopped ringing during the rest of the day .She never told him because she thought he was busy enough and anyway his patient list was far too big for him to notice a few untimely and unnecessary deaths. There would definitely be some interesting research findings if anyone examined the health authorities records for his practice.

It is my mother's telephone voice that I return to now. She spoke as so many do in that plummy forty's film style, Queen-like. The panel was waiting for her question:

"Hello darling, Iwas just reading the radio times on my knees on the kitchen floor whilst feeding my pet field mouse which has built the sweetest little nest behind my fridge and I saw that there was a medical phone-in. Well, I'm a seventy year old doctor's widow and my great,great aunt Rachael on my mother's side died in1874 from pernicious anaemia and I wondered what my chances of dying from it are? I do suffer very badly with wind and I feared that this my be an indication of something more serious as eating burnt toast doesn't really relieve the condition".

Silence! You could almost see the tumbleweed blow through the studio as the stunned panel sat shocked and speechless!