You could chew the silence, thick and all-enveloping was it, until; "Cooee! Hellower! I forgot to mention that if I'm in company and my wind is very bad then I strike a match to mask the smell as my mother taught me. You might like to pass that one on to your listeners."
Yet more, even thicker silence.
On hearing "Hello darling", several things happened to me in quick succession. I screamed for my wife. My bladder and bowels lost all control and emptied on the spot and every sweat gland produced torrents of fluid that soaked me thoroughly. By the time Shirley came running through, expecting to find at least an arm off, I was pointing, goggle -eyed at the radio stammering; "It's it's mer my mer mother!"
Now Shirley doesn't like being disturbed from her life of complete leisure and before she realised what was going on her opening and comforting words to me were; " What the ****'s wrong with you? You nearly gave me a heart attack you stupid ****! I was just having a snooze! (At 10am?)
But by the time Sally had finished her question we were clasped in each other's arms staring at the radio
The chairman finally spoke, "Urm Sally, this is a program about kidney failure, not pernicious anaemia so we really can't answer your question though of course we are sure that our listeners will appreciate your advice on dealing with wind."
"Oiveh! Chello darlink. "Sally had transformed her voice into an ancient Lithuanian crone's, full of Scottish"ch" sounds and the tribulations of millions . Her speech slowed, slewed and wheedled, "Ch eye erm zo zorry but eye vaz not listerning to you kindly zirs but still eye vunder vot are my chances ov dis end?
Her parents and Sally herself were East End cockneys so where she dredged this voice up from I'll never know. She must have been watching too many Greta Garbo films or something!
Radio silence was once again broken by the quick-witted chairman asking , "Sally, do you have a bus stop outside your house?" To which Sally answered a little defensively "Vell down zer road along zer Vansted Flats iz vun but mine huzband alvayz drove mee in zer car zo eye never cort no buz. Vy are you askin me zis?"
" Well Sally, ( he knew he was dealing with a nutter ) in answer to your first question, we think that you have as much chance of contracting pernicious anaemia as you do of stepping off the pavement and falling under the wheels of a number nine bus!" Delivered with a definitely cold finality!
" Oi! Eye zee darlink. Vell cud eye just ask about my zon Jonazan vot ve call David vot haz a problem viz hiz......."
"No Sally, you may not! Now we must move on!"
And the programme did move on but my hearing had gone as my body entered a new phase of uncontrollable shaking, flatulence and finally maniacal unstoppable laughter.
Shirley just quietly said "Oh ****!" over and over again as did I and I prayed that I would wake up to find it all a terrible nightmare.
"Please tell me that I didn't just hear what I just heard" I whimpered but of course I had. Sally had reached out three hundred miles and got me again! Again? You might well ask.
Yes Sally is almost solely responsible for the Giant Redwood tree that my wife insists I carry on my shoulder.
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