SALLY...PART 223. THERE ARE NONE SO BLIND........

I had to return to my Dispensing Optician today to ask him why my left eye is off a bit and he demonstrated to me that with one lens fine and one with a little cataract building up they could only make one eye perfect whilst the other remained a little hazy at long distances !

"It's all to do with the cataract not allowing an image to focus on the retina !" he said, illustrating his words with a similar drawing to mine.

The clear lens at the top allows the image to focus onto the retina whereas the cataract in the lower sketch won't allow a sharp image to focus on the retina but just in front of it ! My readings of 66 and 675 mean NOTHING to me !

Anyway I showed this sketch to my wife this evening once I'd got her to briefly look up from the latest ScandiNoir !

"Are you saying that the pupil is a hole ?" she asked, with her eyes on her screen !

Shirley didn't know that the pupil was a hole that light rays passed through !

 "Yes !" I replied incredulously.
 
"I never knew that !"

"You never knew that the pupil was a hole that light passed through ?"

"No."

"Well how did you think that light got through to your retina ?"

"I don't know, I've never thought about it !"

I am now back in my room and it occured to me that when we first met I pointed romantically at the full moon as we lay on Brighton beach listening to waves breaking on the shore and said, "I think he's smiling down on us tonight !"

"There's a man in the moon looking at us ?" my then girlfriend asked !

"Who's looking down at us ?" she said, sitting up and destroying the atmosphere I'd spent at least a minute building up !

"The man in the moon !" I murmured, urging her to return to a more comfortable prone position !

"There's a man in the moon looking at US ?" she asked, refusing to lie back down !

"Of course there's a man in the moon, look, there he is !"

"Well I've never seen HIM before !" she said after putting on her glasses which I didn't know she needed !

I could have walked away but I had other things on my mind !

My wife continued to watch her programme and I went back to sewing THIRTY SEVEN wallets !

SALLY...PART 222 ! COOKING MY OWN BREAKFAST !

Waiting for an untrackable parcel of zips is a pain as my doorbell is INSIDE my porch so no one knows it's there and Shirley can't STAND having to keep an eye and ear open for a man who doesn't realise that our doorbell is hidden so I had to cook my own breakfast today and how hard can that be ?

Ignoring all dictated recommendations I poured FAR too much oil into the smallest frying pan, heated it up FAR too high and then threw three frozen thick Richmond sausages into it without first pricking them which of course is impossible to do when they are as hard as iron !

Amazing how far boiling oil can travel isn't it ?

I then opened the window and fanned furiously to get the worst of the smoke out and reached for four tomatoes which I couldn't be bothered to slice and threw THEM in with the sausages too !

Amazing the force an unsliced tomato thrown into a mixture of boiling oil and sausage fat can explode with isn't it ?

I then used wet tea towels to seal the gaps in the door that divided the kithchen from the lounge where my wife's now muffled shouts were coming from !

I next carefully opened the tin of baked beans that we had been hoarding for when Coronavirus strikes and found that had I read the label I would have seen that sausages were a part of the contents so I carefully spooned them out into a dish and covered them with a few spare beans, covered the whole lot with a tea plate and put it in the fridge ready for a snack later and microwaved just a portion of beans for FAR too long in a dish without a lid on it and as quietly as possible wiped out the inside surfaces of the machine whilst whistling loudly enough to disguise what I was doing!

Unfortunately if there's ONE thing that Shirley can't stand it's me whistling and her demand for me to cease did NOT sound very muffled !

Now anyone can fry an egg can't they ? Yes of course they can and mine was PERFECT because I'm not stupid !

Nor did I burn the two slices of toast THAT badly before joining Shirley in the lounge to eat whilst she continued to stare out of the window cursing any vehicle that drove into our road that wasn't 'our' delivery van !

In my man's mind I'm a good washer upper and even did the dry fryer or whatever it's called that Shirley had left in the sink unwashed because her thumbs, behind her knees and somewhere else I'd rather not mention and she doesn't want me to mention hurt !

Some time later I heard any number of tuts and got called back into the kitchen to be shown dried egg on my plate and dried fish on the dry fryer and told not to bother washing up ever again unless I could change my ways and do it as well as a woman can !

Some time later, 12:45 to be precise, when hunger drove Shirley into the kitchen to chop yet MORE onions to pile onto her cheese on toast that she had to eat as I was still too full to share a frozen curry she heard a faint banging on the door which turned out to be my zips which were about to be taken back to the depot for a second time because the man couldn't get a response from us or any of the neighbours !

I scrawled something on his phone screen that couldn't be used in a court of law to identify me as the recipient and we both sank onto the settee, exhausted by the day's tension !

That's me and my wife not me and the delivery driver !