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| MY REAL PROBLEM IS THAT MY NEW INDOOR SHOES ARE IDENTICAL TO MY OUTDOOR ONES ! |
I can be anywhere these days when I suddenly can't remember which shoes I've got on or whether I've got any on at all! I can be seen stood, frozen to the spot and staring down at my feet in a panic!
This anxiety is not a sign of senility but of Shirley's obsession to keep our
newly cleaned pale lounge carpet as spotless as possible even with grandchildren
ruining it with their unwelcome sticky fingers and nappy accidents.
It was always a nightmare bringing up three children who more than once brought
in something very nasty they had trodden in on the way home from school and
deposited it on our then long-haired carpet for me to comb out and sterilise!
So once our present carpet was cleaned Shirley had said to me, "David. DAVID ! LISTEN! Are
you listening to me or are you thinking about Facebook or your next Blog as usual?"
"What? Yeh yeh I'm listening. What now? What have I done? What HAVEN'T I done?"
"There's no need to get on your high horse, I was just going to say that I want
this carpet to stay clean so there's to be NO FOOD in here at ALL right? You, Janny and the
Grandchildren will have to eat in the kitchen from now on OK ?"
"Yeh right, whatever."
"And I don't even want them playing in here anymore so you'll have to have them
in your room or in the loft OK?"
"Yeh right."
"And no outdoor shoes in the house at all unless it's the Vicar or the Doctor right!"
"Yeh fine."
"Now repeat what I have just said!"
"Something about Facebook and my Blog wasn't it?"
I now change from my IDENTICAL indoor shoes into my outdoor ones to leave the house and from my outdoor shoes into my indoor shoes whenever I re-enter the house even if I've only stepped out to the bin!
Sometimes I forget and fumble around in the hall pretending to change.
I have even known me to walk through to MY room carrying my wet indoor shoes hidden
behind my back after I'd forgotten to change into my outdoor ones to go to get the
Grandchildren from school !
My ears are ringing now to those terrible high-pitched growled words, "And what are you hiding from me you horrible, devious man?"
Sometimes I forget to fumble and walk through the lounge wearing the shoes I've just
been out in, only to be challenged with a snapped, "OI! I didn't hear you change! Are
they your outdoor shoes?"
"No! You obviously weren't listening as you had Josh (or DEAL) on so loud, I CHANGED
OK !", staring back with dread at where I'd just walked in case there were muddy
footprints to prove my guilt!
And this has all installed in me a phobia about whether I'm wearing the right or the
wrong shoes or any shoes at all!
It's far worse than realising my flies are open or that I forgot to open them in the first place!
No believe me it IS!
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