Sally-Part 74. PUTTING ! THE FINAL ENTHRALLING GOLF INSTALMENT!

I ACTUALLY HIT THE BALL SO HARD IT EXPLODED ON IMPACT ! THE FIRST TEE AND JONATHAN'S ON THE BOOZE ALREADY ! ONCE AGAIN THE PERFECT FINISHING POSITION ! BECAUSE I TEND TO TAKE RATHER LONGER THAN MOST TO COMPLETE A ROUND WE HAVE TO START JUST AFTER SUNRISE IN ORDER TO GET BACK FOR SUPPER....HENCE THE LONG SHADOWS !

And finally we come to the whole point of golf which is to hit a small white dimpled ball for four or five miles, getting it into eighteen holes only slightly larger than the ball, in as few shots as possible !

I treat it as an opportunity to talk about myself, mostly to myself as it turns out, for up to five hours !

Most of the men I have ever played with take it and themselves far too seriously and are so intent on not talking to me that they don't ask me anything about myself !

My oldest, Jonathan, manages to talk about HIMSELF and criticise everything about ME and my game at the same time; from my clothing to my 'address', my 'backswing', my 'downswing', my 'follow through', my head's position, my elbows' positions, my knees', hips' and my hands' positions!

He tends to do this just as I start my downswing and it is a LITTLE off-putting !

But however unending and unwanted his comments are, I tend to end up on the green only one shot behind him !

He might 'play off' five but he is as able to hit as dreadful a shot as anyone else; as indeed he did recently !

I 'tee'd off' and frankly it wasn't a very good 'drive' ! In fact, although I had put all my strength ( which is only slightly less than Mr. Burns from the Simpsons ) into the shot , my mis-hit sent it six feet to the right!

And Jonathan said with utter pomposity, " Dad ! I have played golf thousands of times on hundreds of golf courses on five continents and I've never seen a worse shot than that in my LIFE !"

Julian, my other son who was also playing stood shaking his head in total disbelief at what I'd just done and he and Jonathan shared a 'look'!

Then we watched Jonathan go through his relentlessly time-wasting routine of wiggling, looking, waggling, looking, paddling, looking, knee-bending, looking, wiggling,waggling, paddling and knee-bending without looking before finally settling himself over his ball and then after clearing his throat and peering down the course three more times he launched a shot that went two feet left !

AFTER FIVE MINUTES OF WIGGLING,WAGGLING AND WIGGLING AGAIN JONATHAN FINALLY GETS TO TAKE HIS SHOT!

There's no other response than the one that came from Julian and I !

We exploded in gales of laughter and instantly collapsed to the ground with tears shooting out of our eyes and unable to breathe for about a minute but still able to point at Jonathan and howl again !

It is a truly humbling game and thankfully Jonathan laughed at his own appalling shot as much as we did !  NOT !

So to the putting green!

In the last Blog I explained how once on the green when playing on my own, I don't bother finishing off as I know I'll easily get the ball in the hole on my first attempt !

But when I'm playing with others I have to go through a ritual that is simply ridiculous !

Firstly you draw from your bag a flat-faced club called a 'putter' and after placing a small flat round marker behind your ball you pick up the ball, take it back to your bag and clean it on a stolen pub bar-towel, even if it's clean !

Then you inspect it minutely though I don't know why and replace it, remove the marker and step back several yards before crouching down on your haunches whilst holding your putter vertically off the ground and then with one eye shut stare at the flag via the club to work out angles, slopes, wind-speeds, dampness and other things!

Make sounds like, "Mm ! Yep ! Well well ! Good job I checked that !" and lots of other nonsensical grunts and stuff !

Stand up and repeat the procedure from many different places around the green before satisfying yourself that you have really irritated your competitors for long enough !

Stand slightly away from the ball and practice hitting the ball several times before actually taking up a comfortable stance by settling yourself over the ball with your feet a short way apart and stroke the ball confidently into the centre of the 'cup' . Easy !

 Except that the ball WILL miss the hole and you must then point at a blade of grass and say, " I cannot believe that ! Did you see THAT ? "

THE PERFECT PUTT ON IT'S WAY TO THE HOLE ! THE BOYS' TERROR OF LOSING TO ME WAS STARTING TO SHOW !

Then you take four or five more shots until the ball finally and reluctantly drops into the hole !

Pick your ball out and holding it up for everyone else to see say;
 "It's got to have been a manufacturing defect !"

Now it's time to move on to the next 'tee' where before you repeat the whole process you mark your card with the score that you would have liked to to have got on the last hole!

A most important final word of advice for you to remember........

If you take a large swig of brandy after every shot, you will enjoy the game much more than if you don't !

ENJOY YOUR GOLF !

WE DO !

                                                                      
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