Sally-Part 73.GOLF....THE SECOND SHOT AND BEYOND. IT'S SUCH AN EASY GAME THAT EVEN WOMEN CAN PLAY IT !

ME ! A POWERFUL DRIVE AND A GREAT, GREAT FINISHING POSITION ! THE CALLY PALACE HOTEL GOLF COURSE

I'm assuming that you eventually managed to hit the ball forward !

It doesn't matter how far as long as it's in front of the tee and even if it is only a few inches or if by some miracle as much as six feet you must adopt a swagger of supreme confidence, as though you had meant your ball to end up where it did with you covered in mud!

Replace your 'driver head-cover' which should always look as immature as possible; by which I mean the head of  a soft toy like Garfield. Give it a resolute tug, shove it forcefully back into it's compartment giving your fellow players the impression that you feel that 'THAT' was a 'GOOD' strike and stride out towards your next 'stance' !

It may well be that you are only about to take three steps but take them with purpose and determination and call out ' Ah ! Here it is ! ' when you arrive, saying loudly, 'Good shot' ! to yourself as you take out your 'course yardage guide'.

If the 'hole yardage' was say 379 yards and you hit four feet then subtract four feet or one and a third yards from 379 and work out which club you'll need for the following shot using this handy mantra;
                                        
EACH SHOT BRINGS ME NEARER THE HOLE
AND EACH CLUB HITS FIFTEEN FEET LESS
SO I WILL CHOOSE RIGHT
AND ON THE WHOLE
I'LL END UP IN LESS OF A MESS!

I chant  this short verse to myself and repeat it regularly as I fall further and further behind my opponents !

So 379 minus 1 and 1/3 equals 377 and 2/3rds yards which is quite a long way and as you are not allowed to use your 'tee' or your 'driver' again on the same 'Fairway', you would be advised to take your lowest number ' iron ' which might be a '1' or more probably a '3' and will hit further than the higher numbered ones which is something that I'll explain later.

Or you could take your '3 wood' which is good for long 'ground' shots or your 'rescue club'. ( You must remember all these terms as there will be a test later ! )

PLAYING AFTER SUNSET ALLOWS YOU TO CHEAT WITHOUT BEING SEEN! YOU CAN'T SEE IT BUT I'VE KICKED MY BALL ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY YARDS NEARER THE FLAG !

Refer to your 'yardage' book again and note the position of single trees, bunkers, rough grass, out-of-bounds marker posts, lakes, forests, roads, slopes, buildings and the 'green' which is where you'll see a pole with a flag on it stuck in a hole which is your ball's ultimate destination, hopefully within an hour or two !

Before taking your second shot, eat a sandwich, a piece of fruit and a chocolate biscuit and have a large swig of brandy from your monogrammed hip-flask

Actually I recommend doing this before each shot and pretty soon you won't care about how many shots you're taking !

Now 'adopt' your stance a short distance away from your ball, practice your shot ten or more times and move into position.

Don't forget to look down the course up to twenty times, wiggling, shuffling and waggling at every opportunity before launching your ball with a new-found confidence and ferocity another few feet!

Repeat all the above instructions, selecting higher and higher numbered clubs until you arrive on the 'green' !

Right, 'The Numbering Of Clubs' !

Each successive club is angled backwards a few degrees more than the previous one and sends the ball higher into the sky, though as I remarked in my mantra, fifteen feet less in distance for each successive club.

I allow for a ' 6 ' iron to reach 150 yards and so it should be quite simple for you to work out all other distances with that as a guide, once you have become as good as me !

Try memorising THIS Mantra and you'll soon find yourself as close as I am to becoming a professional player:

THREE SEVEN NINE MINUS ONE AND A THIRD
LEAVES JUST UNDER THREE SEVEN EIGHT
THE LOWER THE IRON THE LONGER THE SHOT
AND THE LESS TIME OPPONENTS MUST WAIT!

Eventually you WILL arrive on the ' Green ' !

COW PATS ADD THAT EXTRA SOMETHING TO PUTTING! THE EIGHTH ON COLONSAY GOLF COURSE.

What you do when you get there is worthy of it's own Blog ........ so that's what it'll get !