Sally-Part 20. POOR SHIRLEY!

GEMMA'S BRILLIANT PAINTING FROM 1987 .

Lots of you have been writing begging me to tell you a little about my long-suffering wife.

Well, hang on a bit, it's not as if she was the first woman I had ever met who had agreed to go out with me!

 Actually.... she was !

I had TALKED to other women, like my father's receptionist who stank of sweat and old sex: I know that now, though I didn't then.

There was a cleaner who was always good for two bob when I drove her home.

There were my two Grandmas who were also good for two bob and a box, not a tube, of Smarties.

And there was an aunt who started to go hysterical when she spotted a dead fly inside her stockings and started to tear them off in terror out in the "cloisters", screaming for my uncle who I think was as revolted by the sight as I was!

Ancient, undernourished and wrinkled legs aren't something a young boy should see being rapidly released from tight stockings , though to tell you the truth, I don't know why I was there watching!

Oh! Yes! I nearly forgot! The German Au Pair girls! Lots of them, the poor things, paid in pocket money to look after five, only four of us were interested in girls! nod nod, wink wink!, leaking pubescent boys who crashed into each other during the wee small hours on the way to knock gently on the girl's door, seeking they knew not what whilst trying to avoid the creaking floorboards !

 Stand on one and my mother would call out, regardless of the time, " Get back to bed you dirty buggers!"

So you see I wasn't without some worldliness!

Those older women and quite a few more were part of what I now recall as "The Great Drivellers" ; able to drone on with my mother for hour after hour about absolutely nothing of any consequence to man or boy, rather like today's women planning their weddings!

I know I'm dead!

NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL BEAUTIFUL !

One day, aged twenty two and having recently finished a job making made-to-measure suede hot-pants in Brighton and that's true, I was living back at my parent's house in London when I walked into the kitchen and there, sitting at the table was the most beautiful, angelic-faced and fragile-looking twenty one year old woman that I had ever seen!

When I was introduced my head was in such a spin that I didn't notice that she wasn't actually sitting but standing. It didn't matter; I was entranced.

It didn't occur to me that one of my brothers might have brought her home! Not that that minor fact could have cooled my canine instincts.

"Hello gorgeous!" she said, I mean I said. " How about you and I getting married?. I'm skint and have no job or prospects !"

A VERY LUCKY LADY !

Shirley jumped at the chance and we were married within a week and have lived happily ever after.

BECAUSE I AM TECHNOLOGICALLY INCOMPETENT IT NOW APPEARS THAT WE CUT THE CAKE.......

..........BEFORE WE GOT MARRIED !

Luckily for me I married one of the wisest women ever born. From one minute after the wedding ceremony she was able to start offering me advice on every single aspect of life, bar none. She has helped me form opinions. She has guided me through decision making and has always been willing to point out any tiny failings which I might show from time to time.

Shirley was a primary school teacher in Walthamstow and most of her seven year olds were taller than her!
 

SHIRLEY IS ACTUALLY IN THE PICTURE ( BACK LEFT ) EVEN IF MOST OF THE SEVEN YEAR OLDS LOOK BIGGER THAN HER

Fortunately she loves me and the way I dress, eat, sneeze ( always in threes and very loudly and for some reason as I approach or am driving round roundabouts! ((No I've never heard of it before either!)) ((( Another psychiatrist writes.......)))  ), whistle, hum, sing, play the guitar, drive, feel ill, talk very loudly about myself to anyone stupid enough to say hello, without stopping for breath until they selfishly drop dead from boredom, snore her awake at night, though she snores for England herself, dawdle behind her on walks, read very slowly when sharing some ceefax thing so that she has to wait for me to catch up, Oh and many other things that would probably make other wives a little impatient!

In return, I adore everything about her except one thing and that is she can get a wee bit shirty about my choice of lunch. I'll give you an example. I work at home and one day she said lovingly,

 " I suppose you're hungry!Well what do you want for lunch? God I'm sick of having to feed you!"

 But that's just her little joke!

"Well what is there sweetheart?"

"I don't bloody know! You were in the Supermarket when we were doing the shopping weren't you? Staring at women and yawning I suppose, as usual, leaving it all to me!"

Ah! We do make each other laugh!

"I'll have Cod In Batter please"

"And chips?"

" Yes please!"

"And peas?"

"Yes please!"

"Or I could do you Mackerel on toast?"

"No thanks, the Cod'll do fine"

"Or you could have chicken nuggets, chips and broccoli."

"No honestly, the Cod really will be fine."

"Or I could do you....."

"I said the Cod woman, the Cod, for God's sake, give me strength!"

"Right, if you're going to argue about it you can cook it yourself!" And she stormed out!

What had I done? What had I done?

Oh! We do make each other laugh!